Finding forgiveness.

That person over there wasn't me, standing over the bridge ready to jump over the edge, at the first opportunity. That wasn't me standing there having given up on life and love. I was looking from the outside as I wasn't like that. I hadn't lost hope like she had. I wasn't one to consider taking my own life. I needed to help her but how could I. What could I do to save her from this path? The first question that sprang to mind was why. Then I had to ask the question how. How did a person get to that point? Surely a person can always find a way out of the depression or sadness? Surely there was help available to prevent people from getting to this point. I had to wonder though as I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

I felt the cool breeze brush my burning cheeks, as its icy fingers touched my skin I flinched. I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to remember what being alive felt like. Every cell in my body prickled with anticipation. It was as if my body was fully aware of what I was about to do and it was crying out in protest. It was amazing how fully alive I felt now that I had reached the end. I noticed everything around me letting it sink in for the last time. The couples walking hand in hand with love and hope still left in their eyes. The sky which was a brilliant blue and the sea below which now was a mixture of blue and green and it called to me invitingly. The cars hooting impatiently in the hope of eventually reach their destination in a reasonable time. I was surprised at how calm I actually was considering I was leaning over the bridge which I was about to jump off of into the icy waters below to where I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. I wouldn't have to face the person who I was and everything that I could never be. I wouldn't have to face the reality of my dreams that could never truly be mine. How could he have left me this way thinking that I would be better off? How could he have said that I could love someone else? Why Why Why???? I stopped my mind running along that track again as I knew if I started thinking of him again it would make this so much harder. There was a job that I had to do and I was going to do it that's for sure.

My thoughts now drifted to the people that I would be leaving behind. My mother who wouldn't really miss me as she had made her choices in life and she had chosen drugs and alcohol to be her companions for the rest of her life and I couldn't change that. My dad who I had never met and I'm sure he didn't even know that he was about to lose a daughter in this world. My sister I knew would miss me but I just wasn't strong enough to stay for her. There was just too much that I wasn't strong enough to face. Everybody had their faults and I had mine. I wasn't like my sister who was successful and beautiful and everything that I wasn't and never would be. I felt a twinge of sadness when I thought of Mia as deep down I had always loved her and had an enormous of respect for her but I had broken our bond with all my mistakes and the pain I had caused her. She had been taking care of me her entire life and I was finally setting her free now. It would be my final gift to her. She deserved to be happy and free from the chaos that followed me everywhere I went like a parasite that just refused to let go of me.

I felt tears starting to fill up in my eyes. I cursed them as they betrayed what I was feeling. I didn't want the memories to fill my mind now as it would make it so much harder. I wanted to finally be strong enough for just this once in my life. To be brave enough to do what I was about to do. I wanted to free my mind of anything that would make me turn around.

I placed my hand on the edge of the barrier and slowly climbed over looking down at the sea. I held on the barrier and closed my eyes as I thought it would be easier if I couldn't see where I would ultimately be plunging into. Now I could feel my heart beating erratically. How amazing it was to have a beating heart that meant there was still life flowing through me. Suddenly a sense of fear overcame me as I allowed myself to truly think about what it would truly feel like when my body reached that icy water. I scolded myself as this was one time I would not be a coward. I took a deep breathe and let my one arm hang loose. Now it was only my one arm which kept me from the water below. I willed myself to let go but my arm wouldn't listen to my brain. I was frozen suspended between life and death. Then all of a sudden I heard the most beautiful voice shouting at me

"Wait stop don't do it"

I turned my head slightly and looked into the kindest golden eyes that I had ever seen.

"Please just leave me alone" I pleaded as I couldn't believe that I was going to falter at the last moment.

"I'm not leaving until you come with me and explain to me why you are about to jump off a bridge?"

I looked into his eyes and could see the determination in them.

"Look you don't understand. It's nothing to do with you. Please just leave me be"

"Help me to understand then. I'm involved now so I won't be going anywhere. Please give me your hand and let me help you."

"I'm sorry I can't. I'm not strong enough."

"Never say that as I can see that you are strong enough.. You don't want to do this."

I looked away from his face then as I didn't want to see the kindness or pity for me there. It was too much for me. Why couldn't he just let me do what I came here to do?

"I'm beyond saving." I looked at him one last time and jumped. It was the most amazing feeling while I was freefalling. I had never felt so utterly free ever in my life before.

My body shuddered violently as it touched the icy water and then everything went black.