Disclaimer: I own neither Gakuen Alice nor the songs I feature here.
Claimer: This fan fiction and its concept are mine.

This story is dedicated to Rachelle/rawrchelle, my best online friend/reader/critic forever. Thanks for putting up with me. I hope you like this. :D

Master of Secrets

And yet they knew nothing. Because she was Hotaru Imai, master of secrets.

"…there's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me…"
- More to Life by Stacie Orrico

Chapter One

Chasing Down a Temporary High

Thursday, eight o'clock in the morning.

"Hotaru Imai, Top Inventor of the Year," the speaker boomed out. What followed was a respectful round of applause only for the serious, violet-eyed genius who wowed everyone with her inventions.

There was a loud cheering as the sixteen-year-old Hotaru stood up from her seat. Shoulders squared and chin held high, the young genius stood poised, looking neither right nor left. She was unsmiling, her expression showing only the faintest of pride. It was only until she saw Mikan Sakura, her very own best friend, that she let a small smile form her lips.

"You're the best, Hotaru!" she heard Mikan exclaim as she made her way to the stage, to the award that awaited her. Behind her, her best friend the rest of the Academy continued their applause, knowing that no one else in the school deserved the award as much as she did. Her classmates were a witness to how carefully she had planned her invention out, and how much she had diligently worked on it for the past few weeks. They knew how much effort she had put into this invention, and how patiently she had waited to see the results of her hard work.

They knew.

And yet, she thought, with a strange indifference to the people who praised her, they know nothing.

Because she was Hotaru Imai, master of secrets.

۞۞۞

Twelve hours ago.

Ruka Nogi shook his head, amused. "Can't find Mikan, can you?"

The sixteen-year-old Natsume Hyuuga frowned, evidently irritated by the question. "She's so annoying," he huffed. "She's not here when I'm looking for her." He put a hand in his pocket, a perfectly good sign that he was bothered. Very, very bothered.

A good-natured laughter escaped Ruka's lips as he watched his friend squirm. "Natsume, the girl you've always liked chased after you for a whole month before you said yes to her, and now that she's not around you're getting angry?"

Natsume threw him a sharp look. "Shut up, Ruka."

He simply shrugged, enjoying every minute of Natsume's irritation. "I'm just telling the truth."

And of course he was.

It all began eight weeks ago, when Natsume had finally decided to tell Mikan how he felt about her. He had planned to do it as intimately as possible, preferably under his favorite cherry blossom tree, where he could always count on Mikan to go to so she could lecture him about cutting classes.

Unfortunately for the Black Cat, Mikan Sakura, who by then had also realized her feelings for a certain fire alice wielder, decided that she would tell him, too. In a moment of confusion and panic, and on the very same day that Natsume was going to profess to her, she declared what she felt for him in front of the whole school. To sum it up, she basically beat Natsume to the most important confession of his life.

Natsume, who hated to lose in anything to anyone, got absolutely pissed off. Mikan had ruined the whole thing, and to think he had planned on giving her a necklace, too. Unreasonable as it might sound, he made sure that she paid dearly for confessing before he could.

"All right," Natsume said, his tone bland. The smirk on his lips was half-amused and half-smug; he had another crazy idea in his head. "Prove it."

"Prove it?" the audience chorused.

Ruka could only laugh quietly at Natsume's childishness. He shook his head, noting how the faces of the female population resembled the collapse of an empire. All of them knew that this was more than a confirmation of the Black Cat's feelings for a certain brunette.

'Prove it' was too vague for everyone else in the room, but not for Mikan, who came up with the unthinkable: She actually courted the Black Cat for a whole month, making sure that she sent him everything she could and that she was with him whenever she could be. Natsume undeniably enjoyed the attention, and if not for Ruka he would have continued making Mikan squirm.

"She hasn't kissed me yet," Natsume said, shrugging as he pinched the stuffed toy Mikan sent him.

"Bastard," Ruka muttered, incredulous but unable to hide his amusement. Who knew that the Black Cat could be this immature? "Just say yes to her already."

Natsume gave his friend one of his rare, boyish grins that fan girls would die for. "No way."

At the end of the fourth week, Ruka took pity on Mikan and told her what exactly Natsume wanted. Naturally the Black Cat was fuming when he learned of it, but Mikan was grateful enough to make sure that her boyfriend didn't pounce on his best friend.

"So now you know how it feels to do the chasing?" Ruka teased.

"I'm not doing the chasing," Natsume replied, then cocked an eyebrow haughtily. "You are."

Before he realized it, Ruka was already blushing in embarrassment. "Natsume!"

Natsume tilted his head to one side, assuming a calculated, bored look as the topic shifted to his friend. Ruka knew, then and there, that their positions had been changed. Natsume played dirty, and now he was going to play the devil - again. "You know I'm just telling the truth."

And of course he was.

A month ago, just after Natsume and Mikan officially became a couple, Ruka had declared that he was in love with Hotaru Imai and that he planned to win her heart.

Ruka looked away, uncomfortable with the direction their conversation was heading. "Let's just eat," he said, and led the two of them to the banquet prepared for the students. It was almost the end of the Alice Festival, and they were given the rest of the nights to party away.

After this the two of them settled in a table farthest from the celebration, neither one wishing to be to be bothered by their several remaining fan girls. For several minutes the two of them concentrated on eating, not one uttering a word.

Making an attempt to distract himself, Ruka let his gaze wander to the festivity around them.

The whole academy was busy with the preparation for the Last Dance, which would be held two nights from now. He could see most of the students still clamoring to find themselves a partner for the most important dance of the year, and silently wondered if he would be able to participate in the Dance himself.

He had been asked by a lot of girls to be their Last Dance, but he politely turned all of them down. He was still hoping that a certain raven-haired girl would actually ask him to it.

As if reading his mind, Natsume decided to speak up. "Has Imai asked you to be her Last Dance yet?"

It took a while before he shook his head. "No. And I don't think she will," he said without looking at his best friend.

"You can talk to me about it," Natsume said seriously.

This time Ruka couldn't help but glance up at Natsume, grateful for the unmistakable concern in his friend's voice. He wanted to laugh when he saw that Natsume wasn't looking at him either. They were the closest of friends, but it was still difficult to talk about things like this. The last (and uncannily the first) time they discussed this, everything went well but they ended up walking the opposite directions, both discomfited.

He smiled faintly. Awkward as it was, he knew that there was no one else that he wanted to talk to right now but his best friend. "There's nothing much to tell. Hotaru's been avoiding me, is all."

Natsume took a big bite of his roasted chicken thigh before eyeing Ruka intently. "She doesn't like you courting her, huh?"

Ruka groaned, although inwardly pleased that the unease between the two of them was gone as quickly as it came. He didn't miss the teasing in Natsume's softly spoken words. "You think I didn't notice? It wasn't as if she didn't hit me with her Idiot Gun after I told her my feelings."

Natsume chuckled upon remembering this, amused.

Ruka clenched his fists at his sides, giving a sigh that made it seem like it was his last. Natsume wanted to laugh. Even from where he was, he could tell that his friend was nervous as hell.

"I'm in love with Hotaru Imai and I plan to win her heart!" Ruka declared bravely, although the color of his cheeks seemed to disagree.

The whole Academy was quiet. Observant as always, Natsume saw the collapse of another empire in the eyes of the female population and knew that it was the empire of the girls who had always adored his best friend from afar.

Several moments later, Ruka was sprawled on the floor, having been mercilessly blasted by Hotaru's Idiot Gun.

"Idiot," Hotaru murmured before she finished with a dramatic exit.

Natsume shrugged, suppressing the laughter that threatened to escape his lips. "You can't blame her. You know she doesn't like attention to herself."

Ruka frowned as he put down his eating utensils. "She didn't have to hit me in front of so many people."

"Why did you do that, anyway?" Natsume asked, sounding very curious.

Ruka stared ahead, his eyes glazing over. "Because aside from you, she's the only one who knows that I liked Mikan."

Natsume's eyes widened at the statement, and he found himself looking wordlessly at his friend. "Ruka…"

Ruka glanced at him, the corners of his lips curving up into a small smile. "I was too shy to tell Mikan what I felt for her. I wasn't bold enough to say anything. So it was only you and Hotaru who knew about it – who figured it out for yourselves," he muttered, as if he was recollecting something from a long gone past.

"But I've realized that I wasn't shy at all. It's just that what I felt for Mikan wasn't enough to prompt me to a confession." He swallowed, and when he spoke again he knew his voice was stronger. "It was different when it came to Hotaru. I like her, and I instantly knew that I had to say what I feel, no matter how uncomfortable I am when it comes to public speaking." He paused. "What I feel for her is something that made me act, and I wanted her to know that."

Natsume remained quiet for several seconds, until finally he grunted. "You idiot."

Ruka chuckled, not offended. "I know."

"You think she got the message?"

"With the way she blasted me with her gun? Most probably not," he said with forced nonchalance.

"Tell her to her straight," Natsume said, rocking his glass of drink in one hand. "Some people don't get hints." A thoughtful expression crossed his face and seemed about to linger there. "You can't win her over if she got the wrong message," he added cryptically.

Ruka furrowed his eyebrow at this. He could almost tell that Natsume was hinting something. "I plan to," he said instead, knowing that he would figure things out by himself soon enough. "It's just that something's bothering me about Hotaru. She… she's not acting like herself at all."

"Oh?"

"She's… she's avoiding and ignoring me. At first I thought it was all because of what I said in front of the whole school. But now she rarely even takes blackmailing pictures of me anymore. That's not Hotaru," he said contemplatively. He knew that Hotaru must not have appreciated his little confession in front of the whole Academy, but the nagging feeling that he had messed up something else entirely did not leave him. "And when she looks at me - I… I'm not sure, but I feel like she doesn't believe me."

"The more you should talk to her soon," Natsume said.

Once again, silence ruled over them. A short while later it was Ruka who decided to break it. "Do you think I have a chance?" He didn't have plans of giving up, but he couldn't deny that he was starting to lose hope. The only rational explanation why Hotaru was avoiding and ignoring him was that she didn't like him back, and that he had no chance from the very beginning.

His friend took a good look at him and sipped his drink. When he replied, his tone was almost amused. "She wouldn't have blackmailed you for so many years if she didn't like your face."

"So you're saying I have some chance."

"No, I'm saying she must like your face somehow. That's an entirely different thing."

Ruka shook his head, a grin slowly forming his lips. He knew he couldn't possibly be more thankful for a best friend like Natsume. "You like torturing me, don't you?"

Natsume shrugged casually. "Is she worth it?"

"Huh?" He was confused. "Worth what?"

"The torture. Look at you: Imai's torturing you – and she even does it without getting her hands dirty."

He leaned back in his seat, openly laughing now. "You make it sound so nasty, Natsume."

"Isn't it?" Natsume finished his drink. "She's Imai."

"Exactly why she's worth that torture," Ruka said, smiling.

Natsume smirked. "Hah. Besotted fool."

۞۞۞

It was happening again.

Hotaru made an instinctive grab for the shower curtain, her eyes widening at the sudden lack of air. Breathless, she pressed one hand over her chest, as if fighting back the pain that had seized her without warning.

With a stifled moan, she loosened her grip and let herself slide down, feeling weak in the limbs. The continuous flow of water from the showerhead sloshed over her back, and she could do nothing as she felt its coldness send a ripple down her spine.

She swallowed, her eyes blankly staring at the tiled floor as she concentrated on breathing. She could feel it - that unwanted fear slowly creeping over her entire being. This had happened so many times before, but it never ceased to stun her somehow – not even after how much she had always prepared herself for it.

Leaning against the nearest wall for support, she drew up a leg beneath her chin while awkwardly placed her weight on the other. She took another lungful of air, feeling as though every ounce of energy had been drained of her. She clenched her trembling hands into shaky fists and snuggled them against her chest, silently wishing for them to stop.

She closed her eyes, catching her breath while the rivulet of shower poured down and ran down her face. For the briefest of seconds, a detached part of her mind wondered if she was crying, if her tears were simply lost in the running water. But she knew it could not happen, so she quickly dismissed the idea before she could dwell on it.

She did not cry, because she had no time for tears.

She bit her lip when she felt the pain persisting, this time even tangoing at her temples. With all her remaining strength, Hotaru clutched on the shower curtain and pulled herself up. She needed medicine, and fast.

She stepped out of the shower, too preoccupied by the pain to shut down the water. The fresh, cold blast of air hit her skin, and she flinched, hugging herself to stop her shaking. Quickly she snatched the bathrobe on a nearby counter and threw it around herself, a futile attempt to cover her nakedness and keep herself warm.

Panting, she pressed one hand against the wall for support and steadied herself. Her other hand crumpled together the unfastened laces of her robe, desperately trying to shield her body from the cold. With short, feeble steps, she made her way to her medicine cabinet and tried her best not to stumble; she knew she wouldn't be able to get up if she did.

She continued on, slowly but without hesitation. I can do it, she thought stubbornly, ignoring the small voice that told her she should get some help. With every step she felt her knees get weaker and weaker, but she would be damned if she asked for help now.

Just a little more.

۞۞۞

Ruka stared at the imperial, mahogany-colored door to Hotaru's room and fidgeted, unsure what to do. The faint light escaping through the gap between the door and the floor told him that Hotaru was inside, but he still couldn't make up his mind if he should knock. In the first place, he wasn't even certain if she wanted him there.

"It's okay," he whispered to himself, and quickly felt foolish. It was a good thing that the dormitory was almost empty, so no one could have heard him talking to himself like an idiot. I'm losing it, he thought, and wondered if he made the right decision of going to this place.

"Didn't Hotaru ask you to be her escort for tonight's celebration?" Mikan asked as she eyed Ruka weirdly.

Ruka flashed her a puzzled look. Hotaru asked him to be her escort? He parted his lips to deny what Mikan said, but Natsume was quick to interrupt him.

"Imai did, huh?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at his girlfriend. He didn't bother to offer his seat to her.

Mikan frowned at her boyfriend's ungentlemanly behavior and carelessly plopped down on his lap, looking very pleased when he stiffened. "Uh-huh. She told me she asked Ruka and that he agreed to it."

Ruka paused, exchanging glances with a most uncomfortable Natsume. Both of them knew that Hotaru hadn't spoken to the blue-eyed alice ever since his little confession seven days ago. But what Mikan was saying was… strange. She couldn't be lying about the whole thing, could she?

Ruka remained where he was for a few seconds, thoughtful. Why would Hotaru say that to Mikan? Could it be possible that she did want him to be with her tonight? If so why didn't she just ask him in person? What - ?

"Ruka was just leaving for her," Natsume said, snapping his best friend back to reality.

Ruka darted a quick look at his friend and saw that Natsume was nodding at him, as if prompting him to grab the chance and be with Hotaru. Do it, his stare seemed to say, and Ruka couldn't help but smile appreciatively. He knew Natsume was right.

"Well that's great! Hotaru should be in her room preparing for tonight. Hurry up; you know she doesn't like to be kept waiting," Mikan cheered on, beaming. "I think she really likes you, too, Ruka!"

He smiled wistfully, deciding not to comment on that. If only Mikan knew how Hotaru had been keeping herself away from him. "I'll see you guys, then," he said, and started for the top star dormitory.

So there he was, at a loss. He couldn't even think. What would he tell Hotaru? That Mikan said she wanted to be with him tonight? It sounded ridiculous; she was too independent to want anyone with her. And even if she did, would it be him?

He shook his head, staring at the door once more. Do it, Natsume had urged him. Before he could think twice, he clenched a fist, raised it to the door, and knocked. "Hotaru?" he called out, his voice coming out stronger and steadier than what he felt."Hotaru?"

Silence.

He knocked several more times. "Hotaru?"

He waited for a full minute, fidgeting in nervousness. Had Hotaru gone to the festivity without waiting for him? But there's a light from inside… he thought, a scowl gracing his features. He knocked again, then waited another minute.

Still no answer.

He took a deep breath and let out a frustrated sigh. Hotaru must have already left her room. She must have forgotten the lights, he told himself as he pressed his forehead against the door, feeling miserable upon the realization that this meant Hotaru really didn't want him around. He then pushed on the lever door handle thoughtlessly, expecting it to be locked.

The door swung open, sending Ruka face-first to the carpeted floor of the room.

۞۞۞

Hotaru fumbled with the medicine cabinet, fighting the weakness in her limbs. Packets of tablets and capsules fell to the floor, sometimes to the sink, but she paid them no mind. She was only concerned about one thing, and that was the rack of small, liquid-filled vials and nothing else.

Trembling, she pulled out one vial of blue liquid, popped it open and took a swig. As soon as it was empty, she let it slip between her fingers and fall to the floor, shattering into tiny little pieces.

She felt her body slack, the mixture of relief and helplessness triumphing over her resolve, She shut her eyes, lowering herself to the floor carefully. Her chest was heaving and her breathing was still in gasps, but she knew there was no need to worry now. She had taken her medication, and the pain would fade away soon.

She swallowed, biting her lip when she remembered that this was her second attack this month. This wasn't good; it used to be that she had it twice a year at most. Was her situation worsening? She muttered an oath, realizing that it was all her fault. She had been so caught up in her inventions that she completely forgot how sick she was. Damn.

It was the Alice Festival, and she had been busy with all the invention contests that she signed up for. Only one of them was required, but joining them seemed the most natural to her, and so she did. She was the Hotaru Imai, the genius when it came to invention. How could she possibly turn down a challenge?

For the past few weeks, she had been missing a lot of classes, depriving herself of good sleep and sometimes even skipping lunches and dinners. This week had particularly been exhausting. After being heralded Top Inventor of the Year, she had been working nonstop to make sure that her latest invention would be a perfect presentation to everyone. It required patience, endurance, and sleep-deprivation – but she knew it was worth it.

In her mind she could already see the shock and fury of her doctors once they found out about what she was doing. She had the two best doctors in the Academy, and they had both warned her to slow down and give herself a well-deserved rest.

Those were instructions that even she could not follow.

She had tried to listen to them – she really tried to. But that until she realized, with gnawing clarity, that she didn't know how to slow down. She didn't know how it was to be idle. She didn't know how it was to rest. She didn't know what she should be doing if she wasn't in her laboratory playing with her genius, creating something for herself and for everyone.

Invention and winning were the two things that kept her going, and the two things that kept her alive. She invented and won; she won and invented. This had been her life from the very beginning, from the very moment that she decided to make the best out of her alice – the gift that she had been given.

How could they tell her to stop?

A temporary high, she remembered her doctors call it. She hadn't commented on it, had forced it to the back of her mind. It was too silly, too preposterous to even think about. They didn't understand her at all. They didn't understand how she felt, and they didn't understand that her happiness was much, much different from that of everyone else around her.

It was ridiculous. It was not a temporary high – it couldn't be a temporary high. How could it, when she already had everything?

"Inventing and winning makes me happy," she said, the slightest smile gracing her lips.

Yet now, as she shivered, she wondered if she had been lying all along.

۞۞۞

With a groan, Ruka immediately stood up and pulled himself together, embarrassed. Idiot, he thought, cheeks flaring deep red. He flinched when he heard the door close quietly behind him.

Grimacing, he adjusted his eyes to the dimness of the room. It was dark, but he could still make out the size of the room and its rich wallpapering and carpeting.

He blinked, distracted by the loud splash of water from inside the bathroom. Biting his lip, he quickly shut himself up when he realized that Hotaru would undoubtedly murder him if she found him spying on her.

Uh-oh. He stepped back sneakily, eyes still on the bathroom door, hoping against hope that she didn't hear him enter. He would just wait for her outside the building and –

The bathroom door creaked open.

۞۞۞

Hotaru reached for the sink, pulling herself up clumsily. Her legs were weak, and almost numb, but she managed to stand up. She swallowed, slowly making her way to the door. Earlier this evening she had decided not to go down to party and take a rest instead. She was sure that no one would be looking for her and –

The pain flashed with savage intensity, and Hotaru felt her body stiffen in protest.

Don't scream.

She clutched on her chest, feeling as though the air had been knocked out of her, and gasped. What was happening? Hadn't she just taken her medicine? She moaned, struggling for breath as she stepped forward, almost stumbling with every stride.

She filled her lungs with air as she neared the bathroom door. At least Mikan doesn't know, she thought, and could almost smile. She was glad that her doctors and the administration had followed as she instructed them. Mikan had no knowledge about this, and Hotaru planned to keep it that way.

She felt her eyelids dropping, exhaustion taking over her being. She turned the knob and walked out into her room, feeling her half-naked body tremble as the cold wind blew against her skin. Dammit. She took another step, her vision getting fainter, and she almost, almost felt like giving up.

But she knew she shouldn't, because she couldn't.

She had only herself to rely on.

There would be no one to help her, because no one knew of this. She had kept this secret so well from everyone; too well, in fact. Even Mikan, who was her very own best friend, didn't know about it.

She had made sure no one knew, and that no one would.

No one could.

Because this was a secret – a big secret.

And I'm Hotaru Imai, she thought, just as her legs betrayed her, master of secrets.

"Hotaru!" she heard someone yell just before she collapsed to the floor, losing consciousness.

…to be continued…

It's supposed to be just a one-shot, but I rethought that one since this chapter alone is, well, ten pages. It's tentatively going to be three chapters only.

So does anyone want to guess what exactly is going on in this fic? Come on, you know you want to.

In-depth reviews and massive concrits are always welcome. :)

Hilaire
06.15.09