A/N: Definitely in a major RENT mood - second one-shot of the day, and longer this time. The song 'I'll Cover You', my ringtone, actually, is in my opinion one of RENT's most beautiful songs. I love Collins/Angel, but I've never attempted a fic centered on it before now...Collins-centric, as he reflects back on his relationship with Angel. Takes place around 'Goodbye Love.'
Disclaimer: No.
In Memory of an Angel
We never went to Santa Fe.
It seems odd to be worried about that one, irrelevant fact when there are so many other things we never got to do or say. Especially when we were just joking about opening a restaurant there. Weren't we?
With a pang, I realize that deep inside I always thought it sounded like something I would enjoy. Getting out of the city…leaving it all behind. Roger, Mark, and even Angel may have taken it as "having a little fun," but I have to admit to myself that I wanted it to happen.
Now it never would.
There are so many things I never got to ask her. Like…why she enjoyed blue fingernail polish. She wore it constantly, but I never asked why. Was it just another interesting "Angel-quirk," one of seemingly millions, or was there a real reason behind it? I wish I knew.
One thousand sweet kisses. We promised to protect each other, to cover each other no matter what. And we upheld that promise to Angel's dying day. I will never regret the short time we had together. At least we were lovers for a little while. It isn't enough, but nothing short of forever could be. At least it was true. That much I can say with absolute certainty.
Time. That's always the problem – not enough time. There is never enough time in life. After a while, you'd think we'd learn not to take it for granted. And Angel and I didn't, to an extent. We talked about the important things – but not the trivial.
Now I realize I don't even know how Angel got AIDS, and she never asked about mine, either. Again, it wasn't something we discussed. Who would want to discuss a sickness eating away at the very soul? Angel didn't live as though she had AIDS, and therefore I didn't either. We never worried about being out in the rain or snow. As she put it, we couldn't let our condition dictate what we did in life. We had to live as though we had nothing to lose.
But we did, and still do. Because now Angel is gone, and I am left behind to put the pieces back together. On top of that, everything else is crumbling. The strong group of friends I thought I had is disbanding. As if Angel was the only thing holding us together, we are breaking apart. And as a further cruel irony, Roger's going west. To Santa Fe.
It isn't fair.
'Life isn't fair,' Roger would spit bitterly. 'We can only do our best with the time we have,' Mimi would say gently.
Funny how those words seem the right thing to say until you're faced with a situation on the receiving end. That life isn't fair brings me no comfort. If life was fair - if life had to take someone away - it should have been me. Angel was so much more alive, so free and spirited and loving. She had so much more to bring to the world. But her life was snatched away too soon.
She never quailed from her own impending death. To the day she died, she never broke down. Oh, she was scared. Who wouldn't be? But she never let the sickness defeat her, not really. She made me promise to keep the others together.
I'm failing.
If I can't hold our family together, I can do something for her: hold my head high and move forward, the way she'd want me to. Angel rescued me, nursed me back to health, and made me happier than I have ever been. Now it's time to give that love to the people around me. In memory of an angel….my Angel.
A/N: That was my first Collins fic, so I hope I did it okay! Review?