Reminder: If I owned Harry Potter I would have significantly more money than I currently do.
"Argus Filch, what do you think you're doing?" McGonagall's clear voice rang out over the chatter in the hallway. Everyone fell into respectful silence as the Deputy Headmistress stepped forward.
Filch was tempted to yell back at her. Keeping his job was more important to him than revenge, at least at that moment.
"Her filthy little beast just scratched Mrs. Norris." He glowered at the girl before him and the ginger tomcat clutched protectively to her chest. Filch's mop was held at the ready, hoping that he could take a swing at the thing when she finally put the beast down.
"Mr. Filch," McGonagall continued, finally realizing her lapse in calling him by his full name in front of the students, "follow me." Snickers erupted from the gathered horde.
For a moment's wild instant, Filch felt like a student. The one thing he had always been denied. He followed her, not forgetting the ginger tom, just putting him off for another day.
Once they were in her office, she had him sit down.
"Argus, this has gone on far too long. I believe Albus would agree with me." Her lips pursed for a moment and he could tell she was thinking of a punishment. "I want you to write a list of ten good things about a student in this school." He wondered if she saw the gleam in his eye as she announced. "And they have to be still living, as well as attending the school this year."
Filch thought over the rules and nodded. Without asking if he could, he grabbed a quill and parchment from her desk. In sloppy handwriting, with many inkblots, he wrote a hasty ten points and handed it to McGonagall as soon as it had dried.
Her eyebrows rose at the name on the top of the paper.
"'Number One,'" she read allowed, "'he doesn't talk, much.'"
Well of course he doesn't talk, no one lets him. It's better for him that way.
"'Number Two, his toad is fun for Mrs. Norris to play with'. Argus, you can't be serious."
Wonder how many times Mrs. Norris's almost caught the damn thing too...
"'Number Three, he keeps himself outdoors most of the time and not in the bloody castle.' Argus!" The shocked look on her face made his normally sour face brighten for just a moment.
"'Number Four, farming is honest work.'" Her eyebrows rose further at this. "I suppose that is a good point, much better than what some of his classmates get into."
Filch nodded. She sighed, resignedly, and kept reading.
"'Number Five, I've never found him snogging in my broom cupboard.' Granted, that is an admirable thing..." The look on Filch's face shut her up and she continued to the next point.
"'Number Six, he don't play Quidditch.' Argus, your grammar is worse than my first years. That does make him less likely to duel in the hallways though." McGonagall sounded almost thoughtful.
"'Number Seven, he knows how to clean up after himself.' Well, he would after all the times that Severus has had him doing drudge work."
Filch kept his mouth shut and let his list speak for him.
"'Number Eight, he's not a Marauder or a Weasley.'" She gave him a piercing glare. "Not a very good point, but still..."
His logic was not hard to follow on that point. Those boys had been the bane of his existence.
"'Number Nine, he tried to stop Potter his first year.'" She smiled, proudly remembering that those ten points had won the House Cup for her House for the first time in years. "A fine piece of Gryffindor bravery."
"And 'Number Ten, he's almost a squib.' Does that place him indefinitely in your good graces?"
With a small nod, and a rather frighteningly toothy smile, Filch stood to leave.
"Why Longbottom?" Her tone was searching.
"Why not?" He muttered back, leaving the room and a very startled McGonagall in his wake. Who would have thought that Neville Longbottom was Argus Filch's favourite student?
...Author's Notes:
I think I sense a pattern here. I have gone completely crazy from reading too many fan fictions. Why else would I do a Filch story?