Long after everyone else left, Rodney stayed in the stasis pod room. To monitor the machinery, he told the tech as he practically threw the man out of the room. But really it was to stay with Carson just a little while longer. It was wrong to leave him there alone. They'd already done that for too damn long.
It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, Rodney really wasn't sure when he heard Sheppard enter. He knew it was Sheppard from the way he walked; he could even hear the slouch in the way Sheppard walked.
Rodney kept his eyes down on his work pad because he didn't want to talk to anyone just then, except maybe Carson and that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He hoped that Sheppard would get the hint that he just didn't want to talk and go away.
"Hey, buddy," Sheppard said. Of course he didn't get the hint; Sheppard never got the hint when Rodney didn't want to talk.
"You missed dinner so I brought you a tray."
Said tray appeared in front of Rodney: the dreaded meatloaf (there was some kind of meat in it, Rodney had been assured by the kitchen staff), mashed notpotatoes with lots of gravy ladled over it all (it was the only thing that made the meatloaf palatable), there was a Pegasus-variety vegetable (meaning it was an odd color and texture but it tasted alright) and two of the yeasty rolls that Rodney couldn't get enough of with a large dollop of butter (it was blue but it still tasted sweet and creamy). Off to the side was a pudding cup with a spoon sitting beside it.
Rodney knew what the tray was. Sheppard thought that Rodney needed to talk and Sheppard thought this was the best way to coax him into it. Well Rodney refused to be coaxed into anything.
He thrust out his chin mulishly. "Set it over there. I'll eat when I'm hungry." He gestured vaguely to the room at large and went back to ignoring Sheppard.
"Dammit, McKay," Sheppard growled. "You can't just camp out down here like a hermit. This has been hard on everyone, okay?"
Rodney rounded on him at that. "Oh, it has, has it? I don't think I remember you standing beside Carson's bed trying to convince him to keep on living. I don't think I remember you trying to reassure him that he was real," Rodney snarled. "But that's right. You're the one that told me to let Elizabeth die and you're the one that ordered me to vent Midway so I almost killed you. And you're the one…" suddenly there wasn't enough air in the room and Rodney felt like he was suffocating. "I can't do this again, John. I just can't."
And Sheppard was there with his arm around Rodney, holding him up, helping him to sit. "Rodney, it's alright. It's going to be alright."
"No," Rodney gasped out. "I don't think it is. Do you know that he's been waiting for us to rescue him for two years? And we didn't even know he was missing. I think that's the worst thing of all. I should have known that he was out there, John."
"Dammit, Rodney, how were you supposed to know that Michael made a clone of him? It's not like he was sending us memos of his super-secret evil plans. So, you tell me, you're the genius here, just exactly how were we supposed to have known?" It was almost a plea as if Sheppard wanted to know, too.
Sheppard forced Rodney's face up and stared into his eyes with his hard uncompromising Sheppard stare.
Rodney shuddered. "I'm his best friend, John, I should have known," he whispered. "I should have known."
"God, Rodney," Sheppard shoved them both so they were sitting with their backs against the wall. There was silence between them as they sat. Carson stood in his alcove staring down at them.
"He's been Michael's prisoner for two years, John. I just can't…"
"It's okay, Rodney," John put an arm over Rodney's shoulder and pulled him a little closer. Sheppard never touched anyone unless he was forced to. But he had his arm around Rodney holding him tightly, like he was trying to keep Rodney from flying to pieces. "You'll make it okay. You and Keller will figure this out."
"Carson didn't think so," Rodney mumbled, ashamed to admit that Carson didn't have faith in them. "He doesn't think he'll ever get out of that pod."
"That's where he's wrong," John said, his voice insistent. "I've known you two years longer than this Carson has. I know what you can do when your back is against the wall."
"I don't know. I almost killed my sister the last time my back was against the wall." Rodney looked up, returning Carson's unblinking stare. "Things are so fucked up, John. How did we get here?"
"It's the Pegasus Galaxy," John said. "It's had it in for us ever since we got here. Remember? First thing we walked through the gate, we almost drowned. But we didn't. We've all almost died ten times over, but we're not dead yet and Carson's not dead yet. You have to have faith that it'll all work out."
"And where there's life, there's hope, right?" Rodney wanted to believe it so much.
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything quite as corny as that. But if you want to say that…"
"You so, too, were going to say that," Rodney shoved Sheppard so that his arm fell away. He took a shuddering breath. "Thanks."
Sheppard shrugged, "It's what friends are for." There was silence for a moment. Then John said, "You know I wanted it to be Carson, right? I just can't let go of all my fears and skepticism and just accept the way you do sometimes."
"What?" Rodney twisted so that he could glare at Sheppard. "I don't do that." Rodney was horrified to think that Sheppard thought he would just accept something at face value like that. He was a scientist after all. "I look at the facts and weigh all the options. It didn't matter if he was made in a test tube or born, that is Carson." He jabbed a finger in the direction of Carson's pod. "We owe him so much. How could I not accept him? We've lost so much. It felt like Pegasus was giving us something back for a change. Trust that to be fucked up, too."
There was another long silence. But it was comfortable this time, as if they'd worked through their issues and come out the other side. And they had in a way. Carson wasn't dead yet, and Rodney was determined to keep him that way. Sheppard had faith that he could do it and that was enough for Rodney.
"So, you okay?" Sheppard asked at last.
"No," Rodney answered honestly. "But I will be." And that was the most he could ask for at the moment. "Where'd that tray go?" He had a lot of work to do and he had to keep his strength up. For Carson, for Sheppard, for Atlantis, for himself.