Title: You Wear the Brand of Traitor
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Jesse/Rachel
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Spoilers: Up to 1x19 "Dream On"
Summary: She had to forgive you—you wouldn't accept anything less. Oneshot.
Notes: I started this way before "Funk" aired and though it wasn't intended to makeup for the inconsistent breakup between Rachel and Jesse, it sort of does. Also, I should add that this is completely unbetaed, therefore all mistakes are mine.
—
She hurls a stapler at your head as she struggles for calm and repeats her command that you vacate her room. Immediately. Frantically she paces the carpet and shoots looks in your direction as if you're unrecognizable, as if you're a stranger. Which perhaps you are.
You're no different today than you were yesterday except that today Rachel knows that you switched to McKinley not to be with her, but to spy on her. It was why you sped to her house after a secret meeting with Shelby—damage control.
Shelby had gotten what she'd wanted and sacrificed you in the process. Somehow she'd been under the impression that you'd told Rachel outright that Shelby was her mother prior to Rachel's visit to Carmel. To say that Rachel was peeved was a gross understatement. Evidenced by the stapler at your feet.
You pluck the stapler up off the floor and set it back on the desk, circling around Rachel hoping to veer her away from any other potential weapons. Luckily your reflexes were quick and you ducked just in time to prevent a maiming.
You step closer to Rachel, your self-preservational instinct having deserted you. Your only goal at the moment is explaining yourself and (with any luck) wiping that look off Rachel's face that spoke of a betrayal so deep that it was simply inexcusable.
She had to forgive you—you wouldn't accept anything less.
Rachel desists her attack, allowing you to grab her hand and pull her against your body. You wait for a slap, kick or punch, but none come. Instead she buries her head in your neck, hot tears splashing your skin in a steady stream. "I hate you," she mumbles into your shirt, the insult slicing right through your heart. You can handle her indifference; you just can't handle her silence.
"Please, Rachel…talk to me." You're aware that you're begging and though you find the practice beneath you, you don't give a damn how it makes you look or sound.
"I can't," she sobs, holding on tighter, her fingernails piercing your skin like this wisp of a girl has pierced your heart. It was never part of the plan for you to care about Rachel, much less fall in love with her. Now that you have, it makes an already precarious situation downright disastrous. Shelby won't allow you to date her daughter. It was all in good fun while you were pretending to do it, but to date Rachel for real…You'll discuss that with Shelby later. After all, there's no point in getting kicked off Vocal Adrenaline if Rachel can't forgive you.
Rachel pushes you away so forcefully that you nearly lose your balance. Luckily you're a dancer and far more nimble and recover quickly. "Rachel—" you try again, but she cuts you off as her anger reaches a fever pitch, her disappointment and your disloyalty put into words that tumble out of her mouth at lightning speed.
"You pushed me, Jesse. You pushed me and I never asked why. I trusted you so I never thought…I never thought that you were a spy for her. Oh, sure everyone in New Directions thought that you were a spy for Vocal Adrenaline. Like me they came to trust you, to believe in you. You're more deceitful than I ever thought you were capable of being."
She's right, you concede, though you keep that thought to yourself. It was an underhanded thing that you did, though your intentions were pure. Shelby wanted to meet her daughter and you didn't think it would harm anyone to infiltrate McKinley's glee club and reunite mother and daughter.
You just never considered Rachel's feelings and how it would all affect her. Shelby's assignment was your only concern, even once you'd developed feelings for Rachel and had begun to look at her as more than a mission to accomplish, as a supporting character in a part that you had to play.
As she opens her mouth to ream you some more, you clamp your hand over it, telling her softly, "I'm not leaving until you let me explain." You wait for her nod of agreement before you drop your hand.
"Are you going to tell me more lies or will you succumb to the truth now that I know who you really are?"
You sigh, silently wishing that you could just turn and walk out of her life like you were supposed to, like Shelby had planned. If only things were that simple. If only you hadn't gotten so embroiled in Rachel Berry's life and let her neurosis and her star quality bewitch you.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Rachel. I was only supposed to get close to you and lead you to Shelby. I was never supposed to care. Shelby picked me because I'm so emotionless."
"Mission accomplished, then. Your job is done. You can go back to Vocal Adrenaline and have a laugh at how stupid New Directions is…how stupid I am," she snaps, her voice losing its edge, cracking as her true feelings pervade her pain.
Grabbing hold of her arms, you shake her once, twice. "Rachel Berry, you're not stupid and I won't stand by and listen to you berate yourself." Rachel rolls her eyes, not buying your sincerity.
"Your job is done, Jesse…why are you still here?"
You grab her hand, urge her closer. "I'm here for you, Rachel. Because even though this started for Shelby…I'm here for me. Now that the pretense is over, I can't just walk away from you. I want you, and though it might cost me my position in Vocal Adrenaline, I'm willing to risk it. The question is…are you?"
She looks at you, her eyes glassy, tears pooling in the corners. You hope that all of your subterfuge isn't for naught and hold your breath hoping that she'll divulge the depth of her feelings, that she'll put you out of your misery and confess to feeling the same as you. But then she steps back, letting your hand fall back at your side and you know that you're not going to like what she's about to say. Rachel Berry is about to break your heart, and although it's going to be painful, you're going to let her.
"Jesse, you lied to me when you said that you switched to McKinley to be with me. I can't just forget that and I'm not sure…I'm not sure that I can get past it. A relationship built on lies is no relationship at all."
You're not surprised by Rachel's statement. You knew it wouldn't be quite that easy, that you'd have to make penance for the sins you've committed—even though they aided her in fulfilling her longtime dream of finding her birth mother. "Is this because of Finn?" you ask just to be sure that she's not forgiving you just to pave the way for some other guy.
"This has nothing to do with Finn, only you and your dishonesty." She stomps across the room to the door and pulls it open. "I think you should go, Jesse."
She needs time, you tell yourself as your make your way to the door where she's standing, staring at her bare feet. You stop abruptly at the door, touching her cheek lightly, triumphant when she glances up at you looking as miserable as you feel. "I really loved you, Rachel. That wasn't a lie. If you can't believe anything else, believe that."
You round the doorway and are almost at the stairs when Rachel says from behind you, "I loved you, too, Jesse."
You look back at her, hope springing into your heart. "But?" you prod because you know there's a but.
"But I can't trust you and I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust."
You may have promised yourself not to accept anything less than full forgiveness, but Rachel makes a good point. You wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone you mistrusted either…or worse, someone who mistrusted you. So you flash Rachel a warm smile and say, "Good luck at Regionals. You're going to need it."
"No, you will."
You share a smile with her, and then take your leave, already busy sketching a plan in your head on how you're going to get her back.