I seem unable to write anything but a oneshot lately... well, spoilers for 'Night'. Bucken-Berry and I were talking about the word 'cuddling' and I got this urge to write a CO fic around cuddling. Wound up a bit more sad than I intended it to, but whatever. Enjoy!
"I'm so proud of you, baby," Olivia said softly into Casey's ear, but the young redhead just shook her head and turned away from Olivia. With a sigh, Olivia pressed a kiss onto Casey's forehead and sat down next to her. "Can I get you anything?"
Casey shook her head and Olivia smiled at her. "Okay. You want me to stay with you?" When she hesitated, Olivia rested a hand on her shoulder and said, "You know, it's fine if you want me to. I've already got the day off work and I'd like nothing more than to spend it with you."
Keeping her eyes closed, Casey nodded weakly before raising her arm in an invitation for Olivia to crawl into bed beside her. She felt Olivia's warm body slide into her embrace and draped an arm over her gently.
"I'm sorry," Casey choked out, still facing away from Olivia. "I'm really sorry."
"Why do you keep saying that?" Olivia asked her, gently running a hand through soft red hair. "Why do you keep apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."
With a low, sad sigh, Casey said, "No. That's not why I'm sorry. It's because you're here with me when you have so many better things you could be doing then taking care of me after I… after he…" A low sob forced its way out of her throat and Casey stopped talking, a strangled cry surfacing as she squeezed her eyes shut and silently prayed for Olivia to just leave and not call her out on it.
No such luck.
"Oh, Case," Olivia sighed and pulled Casey gently into an embrace. "I'm so sorry."
Outbursts like this had turned into something common for Casey, in the two short days she'd lived in a blurry, pain-filled haze since her assault. 90% of the time, she was fine- a little moody, a little distant, but FINE. But there was that ten percent of the time where she'd couldn't stop thinking about what had happened… how every single bruise she had was another tender, sore post that Zergin had hit, tried to break her. How another human being had hated her so much he'd tried to beat her to death… and how she'd be unable to stop him.
She was forever tormented by the images that fled from her mind of the attack, all those memories that she both wanted to see and needed to hide from… because what if she hadn't fought back? What if she'd just given up and let him?
And was the alternative any better- that'd she fought back but just not been strong enough to stop him? Yes, it was. Casey wanted to believe that was the truth, because at least then, she wasn't this weak creature who didn't deserve Olivia's- or anyone's- love. At least then, she would be able to say that she'd done everything she could, that it was definitively HIS fault.
Leaning back and accepting Olivia's embrace, Casey closed her eyes and allowed hot tears to make warm tracks down her cheeks, sniffling slightly and trying to stop crying. She concentrated on Olivia's arms around her, on her warm, comforting hands gently tracing on her broken, painful ribs. Focusing on Olivia holding her helped her forget exactly what she was so upset about. As always, Olivia was able to calm her down. To assuage her fears, her worry, her anxiety.
"Thank you," she said softly when she felt like she could talk without crying.
Olivia kissed her neck, her tongue moving softly over a line of stitches. Casey let out a low sigh, less tortured than before, as Olivia made her way up to her lips. "I love you," Olivia mumbled into her mouth, her hand coming to rest softly on the back of Casey's head.
God, she hated how gentle Olivia was with her now. Like Olivia thought she would break if she was too rough, or maybe shatter into a million pieces.
As if she could hear Casey's thoughts, Olivia kissed her again, quicker this time, hard, her mouth crushed to Casey's, and said, "You know that I don't think any less of you, right? If possible, I think I love you even more now."
"Tell me why," Casey ordered, half-teasing, half truly needing to know why on earth Olivia would love someone like her… who'd let herself be assaulted.
Olivia forced herself not to smile, still chuckling under her breath. "You survived. You're here with me. You were strong enough to fight back."
"You don't know that," Casey said, in nearly an inaudible whisper. "You don't know that I fought back because I can't remember what happened. We don't know if-"
"So we don't know the specifics. We don't know exactly what happened but I do know YOU, Casey, and I know that you would of fought back."
Casey laughed bitterly. "You say that now, but how can you be sure? What if I just froze up or, worse, was just too… too scared to fight back? Or what if-"
Olivia cut her off with another kiss. "No. Don't start thinking like that. How do you think Zergin got that black eye?"
"Maybe he walked into a door, like he said."
"Or maybe you hit him back. Case, you did try to get away. You did fight back. Hell, Zergin even told us that you tried to hit him with your bat."
Casey sighed and rolled away from her. "And then he said…"
Olivia groaned. "That he got the bat away from you and hit you with it, I know."
"And you know what's the worst about that? That Zergin had to be the one to tell you what happened. I can't tell you because I can't even remember. And that's not what I want to know; I want to know if I kept fighting up until I passed out."
"You did," Olivia promised easily, crawling over to Casey's side and kissing her shoulder. "You did and even if you never remember, I still know that you fought him. I'm still proud of you. I still love you."
Keeping up her resistance required energy, and she wanted to believe Olivia. It was too easy to simply forget, for now, why she was upset and accept the comfort she was being offered.
Turning over so she was facing Olivia, Casey rested a hand on her hip and kissed her back. "Thank you- and I love you too."