Author's Note: Cuz Imma be honest, Mr. Steal Yo Girl Crane's behavior made me nervous in this episode (Necromancer). SPOILERS, GUYS, SPOILERS.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It was only when he discovered the Horseman's true identity that Ichabod realized something fundamentally flawed about his own character. As noble, principled, and good-hearted as he had believed himself to be, he had one very troubling personality trait: he was unfaithful.
His discretions started in small increments, slowly degrading in their moral nature. First and foremost, of course, was the fact that he was a traitor to his country, a turncoat indisputably guilty of treason. On the surface, this was quite a grave crime (at least in terms of legality) and would have certainly stipulated his execution. However, his qualms with his motherland were rooted wholly in moral grounds, and so he was quickly able to forgive himself for this apparent lapse in his loyalty – for he was being loyal to his own values (just not those of his country) and so he was not completely disloyal.
However, this trait soon spiraled into something quite a bit more ethically ambiguous. When he had fallen in love with Katrina, his best friend's fiancée, he knew that he was treading into dangerous territory. Yes, he and Katrina were in love and yes, Abraham's engagement to her was arranged without her consent, but still he was his friend and he had betrayed his trust in a most tragic and unforgivable manner. Now that he recalled their skirmish, he realized how audaciously foolish he had been to even dare to ask for his blessing, a mere day after Katrina had terminated their engagement. Had he been in his friend's position, he likely would have responded similarly. True love or not, he had violated Abraham's confidence. He was true to his heart, but not to his values.
And now, he embarked on his most unfaithful tribulation yet. His affection for Miss Mills was morphing quickly into a whole new beast, and he feared he was hazardously close to committing the most classic and abhorrent act of infidelity of all: adultery. Be it emotional or physical adultery, it was adultery all the same. He dared not make a distinction between them, because a distinction had no bearing on the moral fabric of his soul. He was not sure if he was being true to his values or his heart anymore, and so he was appropriately terrified. If he crossed this bridge, he feared there was no redemption for him – he would not be able to delude himself that his actions were anything but woefully depraved.
He had trusted, in the past, the purity of his own heart; that was what had allowed him to overcome his previous two transgressions. But now, the thoughts that swirled in his brain were categorically impure. His feelings for Miss Mills, heartfelt though they were, should not have existed. He should have stifled them, or found a way to ignore them. But they blossomed, like a lover's red roses, wrapping their thorny vines around his heart. He was trapped.
And perhaps his poor heart was true, perhaps his feelings for Abigail were genuine and had displaced the ones he had held for his absent wife. This was still entirely unjustifiable. Adultery was inexcusable, full stop. And so long as Katrina's fate was not sealed, he was an adulterer.
And what else did this make him? It threw out everything he had thought he'd known about himself, threw it into the flames of hell that he so hypocritically fought to stave off. Perhaps he was just inherently fickle, and was becoming more so as time marched on. Perhaps he'd been living a lie his entire life, perhaps he had never been as chivalrous as he'd thought himself to be. It was laughable, he thought, that his role as a Witness demanded such integrity of him, that he'd been chosen for this holy path. He was nothing but a sinner, just like the rest of the world. He was a disgrace especially to Abbie, who had such fortitude; he was ashamed to even call himself her partner.
He wondered if she knew this about him, knew what a wretched person he most certainly was. He couldn't imagine that she did – when she gazed at him, her doe eyes held such respect, such admiration, that he knew that any adulterous advances would not be spurned. She knew his marital status, and so she could not be wholly ignorant to his shortcomings, but they were evidently not a deterrent. He wagered she was either blissfully unaware of his licentious feelings toward her, acknowledged them and was wary of them, or acknowledged them on a subconscious level but endeavored to look past them. He was inclined to believe it was the latter – she knew his history, and she was smart enough to read between the lines when he brushed his fingers over the small of her back, 'following' her. Motions such as these were simply a ruse, a pathetic excuse to touch her that he hadn't dared name outright until now.
But even if he did act on his feelings for Abbie – and he now feared that it was imminent, given the passion that coiled itself tightly inside him, like a spring begging to be released – he could not trust that this would be his final deception. If, God forbid, he betrayed Abbie, he could never live with himself. She was more, so much more, than a mere object of affection – she was a colleague, a companion, a guide in this strange world. His only colleague, his only companion, his only guide. He could not betray her, he could not lose her. He needed her, just as he needed the air in his lungs. He prayed that the circumstances were different, now, and that this fated mission had brought them together for a reason, that the sacredness of their plight would rub off on his character.
Only time would tell.
Author's Note: Soooo I can't write anything other than Ichabbie... Sorry not sorry. But seriously, Ichabod's character is kinda conflicted, right? It seems to be a fundamental thing that he betrays what he thinks to be of the utmost importance to him once something else comes along. He thought his country was the most important thing until he fully understood the forces driving the Revolution, he thought his friend was important until he met Katrina, and who knows, maybe he'll think Katrina is important only until he realizes how deep his connection with Abbie is. I can dream...