Hi! I'm back with another alternate universe situation for our favorite couple! This has been in my head for awhile and I finally got up the guts to post it. BE GENTLE!
And I'm open to ideas, so don't be shy!
Something About You: Leah is a snarky successful lawyer. Jacob is the object of her wet dreams. They work at the same law firm and all should be right with the world... Except they hate each other. Blackwater Humor, Lemons in later chapters.
Chapter One: My Goddamn Parking Spot
LPOV
-Ring-ring-ring-
"Wake up, Seattle! This is Mad Mike in the Morning here to give you the rocking-est beats to get you up and mov-"
BANG!
I pulled the pillow over my head and turned my back on the probably now broken alarm clock. It was only a matter of time until...
"God dammit, LE-AH! That's the third damn alarm clock!" -Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-SLAM! Emily Clearwater, my cousin and best friend, burst into my room. "Now get the hell up, Lee."
"Gu' mornig... you to... Em..." I said from under the pillow. Suddenly, my nice warm comforter and sheets were thrown off. Without coming up from under the pillow, I searched for the bed clothes with my fingers, disappointed when I found none. "Mmmm. Leave me 'lone. I have time."
Emily knocked the pillow off of my head and I cringed at the sudden burst of cool air. "No you don't, Lee. I let you sleep in. It's 7:00 now. Now get the hell up." Sighing, I dragged my sorry ass off of my warm bed. Since I was beyond consciousness, Emily said nothing, but followed me to the kitchen.
Seth, my younger brother, was already there straddling a bar stool, drinking a big cup of coffee, and reading the newspaper. He was in his suit, ready to go to work. I noticed Emily was all dressed. She was wearing an emerald green blouse, a black pencil skirt with a slit up to here and her fuck-me-please stilettos.
"There better be some damn coffee, squirt." I said to my brother. "And what the hell are you wearing your fuck-me-please heels for?" I directed this at Emily. She smirked and stayed silent. Usually, this annoyed the hell out of me, but I was a bit preoccupied with the liquid caffeine in the coffeepot.
"Aww! Come on Lee! I'm taller than you. Get a new damn nickname." I pretended to think about it and shook my head.
"I am older than you. To me, you'll always be a Squirt." He rolled his eyes and laughed.
"Well that means you'll die first. So hah!" He smiled goofily. Emily snorted and let out an unattractive horse laugh, which made me even more annoyed.
"Get a new damn insult!" I grabbed a cup and poured the coffee into a cup. "And you should know better than to insult me this early in the morning. I'll get you back." Taking a big sip, I sighed in contentment.
Seth quickly finished off his mug of coffee and got his keys. Smart move, Seth.
"Well, I'm off. Those students aren't going to teach themselves about sex." Seth grabbed his suitcase, waved cheerily, and walked out, locking the door behind him. After he left, Emily looked at me and sighed. I had finished drinking my coffee and was beginning to make scrambled eggs.
"What's wrong now, Em?" I took out the eggs, milk, pepper, and cheese. There was a clean bowl and whisk in the drying rack by the sink, so I grabbed them and began to crack the eggs. "And seriously, what's with the fuck-me-please heels?" She said nothing, so I raised an eyebrow. "It's Sam, isn't it?"
Emily worked at the same law firm I did, the Law Offices of Black and Cullen or 'the LBC' as we liked to call it. Her office was directly to the left of mine, but right across from Sam Uley's. What she felt for that guy was a pure crush; complete with the blushes, awkward conversations, and breathlessness.
Her new plan, titled Operation Get Sam To Fall In Love With Me, consisted of her wearing her sexiest outfits and generally flaunting her goods in front of him until he can't take it any more and fucks her like an animal in the company bathroom or proposes to her with a flawless, four carat, princess cut diamond hidden in her favorite chocolate cake after a great dinner at La Bella Italia. Whichever comes first.
Her words not mine.
So far, her plan wasn't as successful as she'd hoped it would be.
She nodded and I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. "Wanna talk about it?"
Emily shook her head forlornly and sighed. "If this outfit doesn't work today, be ready with the Chunky Monkey after your lunch break." She came to stand next to me by the stove. "Go get ready for work. I'll finish these."
Muttering my thanks, I ran to my bathroom, desperate to get clean. Once I stepped into the shower, I relaxed. The hot water relaxed my muscles, but instead of feeling tired, I felt re-energized.
Once I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off, I began to put on my make-up. A glance at my alarm clock startled me back into reality. "Mother-fuck! I should've woken up earlier. Shit, Shit, Shit!"
"Language, Leah!" Emily called from the kitchen, bored at my antics. I flashed the finger through my wall, snarling as I pulled on my black skirt. "I saw that."
I threw on a teal blouse and strapped on a random pair of heels from my closet. With the heels still on, I flipped across my bed, landing perfectly, thankfully, on the platforms of my heels. My cell phone, I-Pod, Blackberry, and wristwatch lay on my nightstand. I searched frantically for my purse, cursing like a sailor and snapping my watch on my right wrist.
"Your purse is in here, Lee." As fast as I could, I scooped my devices into a bundle and ran to get it. Emily held it out for me, and I dropped them in. Emily, ever the efficient one, had put up all of the ingredients for my scrambled eggs and passed me a granola bar. She had seen how I could get when I didn't have breakfast in the morning. "And don't worry, I'll sneak to Starbucks during my break and get us something."
We scooped up our briefcases and left the apartment. While Em pressed the button for the elevator, I locked the door. We stepped into it and as soon as the elevator doors slid open, we made a mad dash for my car at the front of the building.
"Late again, huh ladies?" Alec, our doorman called as we rushed past him. Emily nodded as she ran for the passenger's side of my Lexus. I jumped into the driver's side, inserting the keys into the ignition and tossing our bags in the backseat. I honked at Alec as we drove past and we began the race to the office.
"Phew. That's all the exercise I'm doing for this month. No more sleeping in for you." She patted her hair into place and glanced over at me. "You need to brush your hair."
"Wha-?" I said intelligently with half a granola bar in my mouth. I had it styled in a messy bun. I thought I looked okay. Emily's long hair was straight and shiny, as per usual. I swallowed my bite. "It's okay. Unlike you, I have no intention of seducing someone."
"Yes you do... At least not yet." Emily said in a sing song voice. I blushed and poked her softly on the side of her head. She giggled and shook her head as we pulled into the company parking lot. I turned the corner, ready to turn into my parking spot.
Before you ask, I actually do have a parking spot, with my name on it and everything. It was a prime location, next to the elevator and the vending machines. After Victoria Hunter had left the firm to 'pursue other interests' (which basically means that she got pregnant), her parking spot was up for grabs. We had a name drawing contest one day in the break room. Since Johnny, the mail guy who did the picking, had a huge crush on me, I used my womanly charms to make sure that he 'randomly' picked my name out of the hat. It isn't cheating per se, just upping the ante.
I guess it didn't look good for me when my name card was bright pink, which stood out against all the white index cards. But they didn't say what color paper our names had to be written on. Loopholes people, loopholes.
My old parking spot used to be in the darkest corner of the garage, so I was thankful to win.
"WATCH OUT!" Emily shouted. I braked the car, causing an earsplitting squeal. Luckily, it stopped before it could hit whoever was parked in my spot. Wait what the fudge cake! I was confused until I saw the personalized license plate, which read STDMFFN.
"Emily? Does that car belong to who I think it belongs to?" I asked slowly and calmly through gritted teeth. Em noticed my expression and hastened to calm me down.
"It may not be him. I mean, lots of people own fully restored navy blue Aston Martins with black interior and tinted windows." She faltered off uncertainly. I nodded, and continued to drive, flashing the finger at someone who was honking at me from behind.
"Don't worry Em. I'll park somewhere else." My anger was waiting to bubble out. I found another parking spot near the elevators and stopped the car. I passed my keys to Emily. "Can you get our stuff? I'm just going to go take care of this."
Without waiting for a response, I got out and slammed the car door. My heels clacked angrily against the smooth concrete as I strode purposefully to the elevator. A whistle sounded from the direction of Emmett McCarty's car and I flashed him the finger. "I'm going tell Rosalie you did that.
The elevator doors opened and I waited for the couple inside to pass me by before stomping into it myself. I punched the button for the 25th floor and tapped my foot angrily as the doors closed slowly. With each level the elevator rose, my anger seemed to become more volatile. Oh, he's gonna get it. He will die... Or at least move his goddamn car.
The doors slid open to the hallway in front of the office. I pushed open the glass doors angrily. Gianna, the kindly old secretary, looked up with a smile. "Morning Le..." She sighed heavily, shaking her head. "He did it again, didn't he?"
At my curt nod, she sighed again as if I was giving her a migraine, which I did frequently whenever something like this occurred. "Don't yell too loudly; remember what happened last time." She warned.
Stomping angrily to his office, I could hear snippets of my co-worker's conversations as I passed.
"Gianna sent an emergency e-ma..."
"Oh, not again. Tell me he didn't..."
"Parking spot..."
"We might have to interv..."
"I wish they would k..."
"Here it goes again. Every damn week..."
"You'd think he'd learn..."
I made it to my destination and pounded on the door. At the silence that greeted me, I checked to see if the door was unlocked. It was.
Throwing open the door; I opened my mouth, ready to yell. Jacob Black was sitting at his desk, nonchalantly flipping through a file, as if he hadn't just taken my mother fucking parking spot. I strode to the front of his desk, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for him to say something. He looked up with a panty dropping smile.
Okay, so the guy is sex on legs. And just thinking about his hair causes me to cream my panties. And looking at his eyes makes my insides turn to goo. And looking at his smile makes me want to smile back.
Jacob Black was the bane of my existence and also the most handsome creature walking this Earth. And when he pulled stunts like this, it only made me angrier because I couldn't decide whether to throttle him or kiss him. But before I can 'accidentally' trip and land on his lips, he opens his perfect mouth, and I remember my murderous intent.
"What's wrong, Leah? Anything I could help with?" He leaned forward, giving me a really good look at his big, manly chest, covered only by a thin, blue button down shirt. Before I could begin my drool fest, I narrowed my eyes.
"Don't 'Leah' me! Y-You know exactly what you did!" I sputtered furiously. "I thought I told you before not to park your disease ridden, not-so Mystery Machine in my fucking parking spot. Unless your name is Leah Clearwater, you shouldn't be in it." My chest heaving with calming breaths, I waited for him to respond. "SAY SOMETHING!"
"You're hot when you're angry." He said, giving me a wolfish grin and standing up. He towered over me by at least a foot. Even as he leaned over the desk, I had to crane my neck to glare at him. His cologne and man scent wafted to my nostrils, and I had to lock my knees to keep them from buckling. I decided to ignore his sexy voice and continued to glare.
"Don't park your little gay car in my spot again, or I'm totaling it." Jacob looked kind of hurt for a second, and then shook it off. That cocky grin I liked so much came back in full force and he chuckled.
"My car is not gay. Do you want me to prove it? One little cruise in the backseat will have you thinking otherwise." Well that blows. I'm going to have to change my damn underwear and it isn't even ten 'o' clock yet. Good thing I keep spares in my desk drawer. I snorted as if my thoughts weren't in a gutter and backed up a little.
"As if, Black. I might catch an STD just by standing near it. Go ask one of your little whores to do it. I'm sure Bella will be more than willing to drop her panties for you." He narrowed his eyes and walked around his desk to stand next to me. Well, more like stomped, really, because of his immense size. We were chest to chest, or rather, chest to nose.
"Oh, come on, Clearwater. No one told you to walk in on us. You were supposed to be on a lunch break." The image of the future Mrs. Edward Cullen sucking him off is as clear in my head as the day it happened. The word 'cum' is enough to have me screaming in the dead of night. And not just from fright...
I smirked evilly. "I thought I told you, Black, I decided to stay in to catch up on some work. It's a good thing I did, too. If you don't move your ass out of my parking spot, I'll tell Edward that you're fucking his fiancée."
"Oh, please. Like it isn't common knowledge around here that Edward's banging his secretary." I glared at him. I thought he had forgotten about that! I stomped my foot angrily and began to poke him in his hard, muscular chest, using my last resort plan.
"Get." -poke- "The." -poke- "Fuck." -poke- "Out." -poke- "Of." -poke- "My." -poke- "Mother." -poke- "Fucking." -poke- "Parking." -poke- Spot"." -poke- "Man-whore." -poke-poke-poke-poke-poke. He rubbed the spot where I poked as I resisted the urge to cradle my hand. We had a stare off for what seemed to be ten minutes. Jacob finally flashed an angelically innocent smile and spoke.
"Nope." He replied, popping the -p- childishly. "It's too much fun seeing you angry and worked up. And I prefer the term 'Stud-Muffin.' 'Man-whore' sounds a little mean." I snarled and was about to lunge for his throat when someone cleared their throat and we turned toward the sound.
Sam Uley was standing in the doorway with a box of files in his hands. If Sam is right there, then Emily...
"Leah! You haven't killed him yet? This means that those anger management tapes are working." Emily appeared next to Sam and he gazed down at her with pure adoration and lust, but Emily didn't seem to notice. God help me, those fuck-me-please heels actually work. If those two don't screw each other soon, I'm going to go crazy. She had nothing in her hands, so I assumed she put our briefcases and purses in her office.
"No, he's alive. For now." I turned to glare at him again. "I want that damn car out of my parking spot, or I'm shoving it up your ass." Jacob crossed his arms, giving me a mini heart attack at the sight of the tattoo on his upper arm, plainly showing through his shirt.
"Not the parking spot again." Sam groaned and brushed past me to get to Emily and she could barely contain her delight. Frustrated, I threw my arms up in anger and screeched in the manner of an overdramatic teen in the soaps I like to watch on my days off. Em sensed my distress and pulled my arm to get me out of the office.
"By lunchtime, Stud Muffin, or I'm castrating you with a rusty spoon." Before he could respond, we turned the corner and entered Emily's office. She shut her door and deposited me on her desk chair. Emily looked at me for a long time, and then she finally spoke.
"I think that went well. Last time, you tried to attack him with a stapler. Remember, Sam and Paul had to wrestle it from you?" Emily said brightly.
"I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids..." I said, waving my fist jokingly. I checked my wristwatch and got up. "Sam was all over you." I shuddered, remembering the lusty look her had given her. No one likes to think about their relatives doing 'that.'
"He was?" She started to bounce, which I thought was impossible in four inch stilettos. "What did he look like? Spare no details."
"Emily, I don't think it was possible for his eyes to get as wide as they did. He looked like he wanted to attack you."
"Really Lee? You mean it?" I nodded.
"Yup. Scout's honor." Emily squealed and clapped her hands.
"He's getting closer! Okay now I have to plan my next strategy. So you've got to get out!" She threw me my purse and briefcase and escorted me the whole three seconds to my office to 'make sure I didn't go back and kill him.' Emily waved and practically pushed me through the door of my office.
Laughing, I took off my shoes, settled into my desk, and began to work.
Yep, just a normal Monday morning.
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