Disclaimer: Clearly I am not Eoin Colfer – which means I do not own any of his characters. However, I do own Anna-Maria. This is the first time I am writing in this format (and solely for the purpose of humor) so please review!
-Readers enter a room with three occupants – all genii; two girls, one boy.-
Readers: What's going on?
Brunette Female: Look, Minerva; I did not hypnotize Artemis or use the mesmer on him! He asked me to the dance because he wanted to!
Artemis: -looks uncomfortable-
Minerva: Are you calling me a liar, Anna-Maria?
Anna-Maria: -crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Minerva with scorn- No, not a liar. I am calling you a misled human with toilet paper for brains!
Minerva: What?! Why, you!
Artemis: Anna-Maria, Minerva; please, stop!
Minerva: Shut up, Artemis!
Anna-Maria: Yeah, we're fighting over you!
Artemis: -gulps- When will this nonsense stop?
Minerva: As soon as Anna-Maria admits that she bewitched you.
Anna-Maria: I did NOT bewitch him!
Artemis: She didn't bewitch me.
Anna-Maria: -smiles triumphantly- Ha! I told you so! Let's go, Arty.
Artemis: Since when do you call me 'Arty'?
Anna-Maria: -looks thoughtful- I don't know. Do you like it?
Minerva: Arty's mine, you lousy brunette!
Readers: -gasp- Oh no she didn't!
Anna-Maria: -looks as if she agrees with the readers- And what, may I ask, does that mean?
Artemis: Don't call me that, Minerva. And no insults.
Minerva: -ignores Artemis- It means you're a lousy brunette!
Anna-Maria: Really? Am I? You dumb blonde!
Artemis: -looks shocked- Anna-Maria, I thought you did not agree with stereotypes!
Minerva: Dumb blonde? How dare you, you…you…you Italian half-breed!
Anna-Maria: -flicks a strand of hair away from her pointed ears- Stupid French girl!
Minerva: -sticks her tongue out at Anna-Maria- At least I'm not from a nation partially responsible for toppling the balance of power established by the Congress of Vienna! And I'm not stupid; I'm a genius.
Anna-Maria: You're a stupid genius! And at least I'm not from a nation that had a ten-year revolution and made the guillotine popular!
Artemis: -sees that any attempts at stopping the argument are fruitless and sits down with a bowl of popcorn- She has a point.
Minerva: Stop taking her side, Arty! –turns back to Anna-Maria- And 'stupid genius' is an oxymoron.
Anna-Maria: You're a moron all right! And just because it's an oxymoron it doesn't make it untrue!
Minerva: Yes it does!
Anna-Maria: No it doesn't!
Readers: -to Artemis- Aren't you going to stop them?
Artemis: -looks at the readers with a surprised expression- Why would I want to do that? And how did you get in here?
Readers: The authoress let us in.
Artemis: -looks confused- What authoress?
Authoress: -waves at Artemis from a safe observation area- That would be me.
Artemis: -looks up- Oh. You have nice hair.
Authoress: -flips black/brown hair over one shoulder- Why thank you.
Artemis: It's about the same color as Anna-Maria's; the same length too. Are you her twin?
Authoress: -looks baffled- No…I imagined Anna-Maria. That is why her hair looks like mine; I wanted to give her something of mine.
Artemis: -nods while taking notes- That makes sense. Shouldn't you stop Minerva and Anna-Maria?
Authoress: Oh, Anna-Maria won't get hurt.
Artemis: What about Minerva?
Authoress: -grins evilly-
Minerva and Anna-Maria: -have been continuing with their argument-
Minerva: Oh yeah? –shoves Anna-Maria-
Readers: -gasp-
Artemis: -covers his face with his hands- I can't look!
Anna-Maria: -glares at Minerva- Oh no you didn't!
Minerva: Oh yes I did!
Anna-Maria: Need I remind you of my occupation as LEP commander?
Minerva: -realizes she has made a mistake- Meep.
Anna-Maria: -rolls up sleeves and jumps on Minerva- Get ready to pay, Mud Menace!
Artemis: -stuffs popcorn into his mouth-
Readers: Move over Artemis; we want to sit and eat popcorn too.
Artemis: -moves over on his couch and hands the bowl to the nearest reader, never taking his eyes off of Anna-Maria and Minerva-
Readers: -offer the popcorn bowl to the Authoress- You want some?
Authoress: -shakes her head- No thanks. I can't get butter on my camera; I'm taking photos for my 'I Hate Minerva' photo album.
Anna-Maria: You are going to regret calling me an Italian half-breed you blonde siren!
Minerva: Have you ever heard my singing? It's horrible!
Anna-Maria: Then it won't bother you as much if I do this. –smashes her fist into Minerva's jaw-
Artemis: -covers the readers' eyes- Hey, hey! There could be children reading this fic!
Authoress: That's why it's rated K+. The + is for possibly mild violence.
Artemis: Oh, I see. What's your blood type?
Authoress: B+. Why?
Artemis: Minerva's going to need a blood transfusion or two after this. Anyone here with AB- blood?
Everyone: -silent-
Artemis: O-?
Everyone: -no response-
Artemis: Oh, well. Too bad Minerva; if you had AB+ instead of AB-, anyone could have donated blood to you. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if your body can produce enough.
Minerva: What blood type are you?
Artemis: I'm an A-.
Minerva: Then you can give me blood!
Artemis: I could, but I don't think I want to.
Minerva: This is not over, Arty! You will take me to the prom!
Artemis: That's two years from now.
Minerva: I need two years to decide what to wear.
Anna-Maria: -slaps Minerva- mary sue!
Minerva: Tomboy!
Should I continue? I think I'll let you decide that.