Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls or anything related to it so please don't sue me thank you very much

Part 1 'On the outside looking in'

(I used to care… about people, about the world, about what people thought of me, about everything really. Now I don't really care, I lost my sense of kindness a while back, right after I moved in with my grandparents. They gave me everything and more than I needed that I became so reliant on other people it was almost like I forgot how to care. I know my mom would be disappointed in me right now, I used to be so good and I went to Yale and had good boyfriends, I had a job in a bookstore and was nice to the people of our town. Now things have changed. I live in the city, and, like everyone else around me, I don't care about anyone else but my self. I get up, walk 2 blocks to work, work, walk 2 blocks home and sleep, that's about all I do, all day everyday with the exception of eating and showering I basically live in a circle, going round and round. I never stop or pause to look at the world, to look at the place I used to long for so much. New York City. The lights, the colour the people. I used to love the whole culture of New York and the whole sense welcoming it used to have when we visited. Now I wish that I'd done something to bridge the ever growing gap between me and my mom, before I fell so far that I couldn't get up, but now I'm too far away from everything real, everything I used to be to go back. I often pick up the phone and dial my mom's number, I let it ring until it gets to the machine, and then I put it down. I only ever once got someone on the other end, every other time the machine picked up. It was last week, around 4am on Tuesday, I'd just got in from another late night party and I decided to ring. A strange voice answered, I didn't recognise them. They said "Hello, who is this?" I waited on the other end of the phone just in case there was a chance I would hear her voice in the background "hello? Is anyone there" I was just about to hang up, when I heard it, she was walking down the stairs and I heard it, "Sweetie who is it? Why are they calling so late, or is it early, I never really knew" the minute I heard her voice a strange warm feeling came over me, like I was back home on a Saturday night with pizza and Chinese watching showgirls, my mom loved that movie or riding on the bus with my sister, that was my favourite, we always watched classics, we didn't really care much for new movies. I got so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't realise that they'd hung up the phone. Ever since that day last week I've been puzzled about who that person was, why was my mom calling them Sweetie, where was Luke, was my mom still working at the inn and why when I called did I always get the machine? I realised that I had so many unanswered questions and things I needed to say bubbling up inside of me, that I needed to go home, I wasn't going to go in the house or see anyone, the whole town would probably know about me and my mom. I was just going to quietly drive throughout the town, like an outsider looking in. except I wasn't an outsider, I knew all of these people, I knew their families, I knew their friends, where they lived and their history. I knew what they were like and they knew exactly the same about me. It made me think about why I'd wanted New York so much when I had comfort and warmth at home. I'd always wanted to venture out, to see the world and the people in it. But none of the people in New York that I passed in the street knew my name, they didn't know my family, my friends or who I was, they just walked past me, because to them I was just another person, someone they passed that day in the street. But in Stars Hollow it wasn't like that, people knew you, they knew your name, where you lived, your family and most of all they knew you as a whole and I never realised how much I needed that. I always thought that people knowing everything about you was a bad thing and you were better off somewhere where people had no idea who you were. I was wrong, being in New York makes you lonely, and you lose yourself, your identity. With no one there to point out who you are everyday and how good you are you sort of forget yourself and just fade into the city, you become another person in the world, you become another number, not yourself you fade away and become just another statistic, just a number. That's why right now I'm driving at 3 am down a busy interstate to get to Stars Hollow. I just want to see it, to drive past Doose's, to look at Luke's, see Miss Patty's, to see Lane's apartment, just to stand outside my house. And even then when I go back I think I might just be another number there too. They wont recognise me, they wont know who I am, I'll just be a passer by, just someone for Taylor to write on his list of visitors to the town so we can beat Woodbridge in the most visited Connecticut town of the year award. I say 'we' like I'm one of them, like I belong there. I don't. No anymore, I left stars hollow and I haven't been back, not once for 4 years, 3 months and 4 days. That's was the last time I was there and I'm saying I belong there. I don't I'm not a member of any community I'm just a person standing in the distance watching my life drive by me, looking at the life I used to have.)

I look up at the sky

I see darkness

Everyone around me is standing still

"Hey Luke" Lorelai was lying next to Luke in bed, she turned wide awake and tapped a tired Luke on the shoulder

"What, who's crying? I'm up" Luke started to get up but Lorelai pushed him down

"No, no one's crying I just wanted to ask you something"

"Sure" Luke got comfortable and turned to face Lorelai

"Do you think, I mean will she, do you think that you know, she ever, thinks about coming back, here I mean, not forever just to be an outsider looking in, to see where we are, what we're doing, I mean do you think it was her that called the other night, she could be the one calling us but never leaving a message" Lorelai looked saddened as she asked the question, she often thought about her and now and then she would get the feeling that there may be a chance she would come back, just for a look, to see, if what she left behind was still the same.

"I think she thinks about us, of course she does, how could she not, we have always been here and we probably always will be, here together, you and me" Lorelai smiled at this" she probably thinks about coming back to, to see us, to talk to us or even just to be an outsider looking in, like you said. We are here and she is there, wherever there is, you think about her right, so she is bound to do the same. She can't just get up and walk away one day and never think about coming back, because this place, the people were too big of a part of her life for her just to get up and leave and never, ever, even one time think about it again. It's not possible." Luke stopped and looked into Lorelai's eyes

"Thanks Luke" Lorelai looked satisfied, like all she needed was a little convincing, that Rory was even remotely thinking about them, even just for one second, Lorelai needed the reassurance.

The lights shine bright

Red, Yellow, Blue

But all I can see is you

(Everything in my life seemed to pull together into shape, like I always wondered. After I had Rory I thought that when she was gone and when she had left home, what would I do without her. But now I see what she meant when she would say 'I needed her to leave so I could have my proper life'. She meant that she was my kid but one day when she was out of the picture, I would get married, have kids and move on to my real family. I just never thought that when she said out of the picture she literally meant it. Maybe she didn't, maybe she didn't intend for this to happen. I didn't. I always thought that after I told her she couldn't bum around Stars Hollow, that she would find a place, go back to Yale and graduate and that she would come back to me. But that didn't happen, I missed her wedding, her graduation, the birth of her first kid. The only thing I ever got from her was a clipping, from the New York Times, her first article. The envelope was pink and had swirly flower patterns around it with a few scribbles and doodles around the edge of it. Her handwriting was the same and it was addressed to me directly, not the inn or Luke's but my house, her house, our house. The cutting was from about a year ago the same time as I received it, there was no note with it nothing but that single sheet of newspaper, but I didn't need anything else, that piece of paper was all I needed to reassure me that somewhere somebody, other than Luke and all the other people in my life, cared.)