THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE JEW

Chapter 1

Summary: Kyle Broslovski has been secretly in love with his best friend for some time now- 7 months, 4 days and 13 hours, 14 minutes and 10.45 seconds- but who's counting? And just when Kyle thinks he can't take it anymore, it's about to get a lot worse. Slash and Het! Pairings: Style, Candy, Benny, Stendy, Staig and love triangles are : Stylendy (KylexStanxWendy), Kytanoken (KylexStanXToken) and Cartendan (CartmanxWendyxStan), Heimandy (HeidixCartmanxWendy) and Kyendman (KylexWendyxCartman) and some Bromance between Kyle and Cartman (Horray for Kyman!). This sounds like a whorefest. But then again, we are in South Park.

Thanks for reading! R&R&R! New chapters go up every couple days!

Alvinroxz

disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Damn!

XXX

Tuesday, April 8th. Last Period Physics, 2:45 PM.

Dear Journal,

Afternoons were unusually loud in South Park. But not this particular afternoon, which happened to be the 150th anniversary of our little mountain town. Shouldn't people be getting wasted in the streets and shouldn't houses be getting vandalized?Why isn't the sidewalk littered with beer can or cigarettes? I mean, this is a total excuse to celebrate. Where is everyone?

I'm sorry for that ramble. I feel like because this is a new journal and all, I should be introducing myself and stuff. I'm Kyle Brofslovski, an 12th grade top honors student at South Park High School, a current employee at South Park Bowling Lanes, i'm going to Harvard University in the fall, and I'm completely and utterly in love with my best friend.

Wow, is that really how I introduce myself?

Yes, I'm in love. For the 1st time in my life, i'm in love. With my best friend. Who is a boy. Which means that I'm gay. Except no one knows it yet. Not my dad or especially not my mom, not my friends or my canadian brother. I haven't even said it or written it down yet…until now.

The only and sole reason I am writing a diary- no a journal- is because my mom is paying me for every entry I make. How sweet is that? I get paid to write a paragraph about my life! She says that I need to "express myself"…she's crazy. No really. She actually almost caused a war between Canada and the USA once. And anyway, I also kinda wanted to talk about the whole-I'm-in-love-with-my-best-friend-which-makes-me-gay thing, because it's been bugging me for quite awhile. 7 months, 4 days, 13 hours, 14 minutes and…10.45 seconds…11 seconds now…but who's counting? Seriously though, it's been bugging me ever since Wendy Marie Testaburger, Captain of the Cheerleading Squad, Debate Club, Editor of the School Newspaper, And founder of the L.O.V.E Club (Love Our Visionary Earth Club), and the World Peace Club, dumped my beloved Stan Marsh, The Founder of the Nothing, because he wasn't "mature" enough for her…again. And she dumps him again, again and again. Every 5 seconds up until 7 months ago, she dumps him.

Well that day I was oddly glad, until I saw Stan crying- SOBBING- behind the school with those goth kids like as if somebody DIED. Well, I'll admit that got me jealous. Really jealous. Then I realized why I was so jealous.

And to top it off, Stan never got over Wendy. Never! (I think I was because he believe that they were a couple from out of a cheesy romance movie, like High School Musical or something). He still talks about her, and it's really starting to piss me off!

Anyway…I don't want to talk about that anymore. Let's talk about my passionate hatred for Eric Cartman, a sadist monster i've known since the beginning of time. He's narrasisctic, mean spirited, pessimistic, racist, sexist, anti semministic and I hate him! He is the worst person in the entire world, and he doesn't deserve anyone. But for some reason, my other friend, Kenny, feels bad for him. HA! well, Kenny is like MOSES or something because that is impossible, no matter how much you try and feel his pain about his dad and shit. I swear, I hate him, I hate, I ha

"KYLE BROFSLOVSKI!"

My head snapped up from my journal and I could feel the stare of everyone else in the class bore into my back. My palms began to sweat as I considered the consequences for writing a journal in a physics class.

"Yes, Sir?"

"What is the answer to the question I just asked?"

"…I don't know sir." I answered honestly.

"I know you don't. Put that notebook away now."

Trembling from relief, I shoved the journal into my green backpack. It wasn't my fault this class was boring as hell!

The teacher gave me one final look before turning back to whatever he was talking about.

I rested my head on my hands and closed my eyes, thanking sweet Moses that the teacher didn't take my journal and read it aloud, like he does whenever Craig passes a note to Token. I swear, if He read it aloud, my life would have ended. I would have had to move to China, or Mongolia.

From behind me, I noticed that Eric Cartman wasn't here today because I couldn't feel any spitballs, baseballs, or paintballs penetrating my behind.

I thanked sweet Moses again.

I stared at the clock above the doorway. 10 Minutes until the end of the day. 10 minutes, then I could go to my house and play guitar hero and eat popcorn and watch 80s films with…with..Stan…

I was anxious to see him. Well, I thought logically. I could waste like 5 minutes in the bathroom, and then it will be time to go…

My hand shot up in the air.

"Yes, Mr. Brofslovski?"

"May I go to the bathroom?" I asked politely.

The teacher rolled his eyes, but gave me a pass. I could get away with this, because I was getting an A in this class, it was easy, no matter how boring it was.

I walked out the door and stepped into the 1st floor hallway, breathing in Chef Jr.'s cafeteria food, and I allowed my mind to wander to my fantasies as I pondered aimlessly down the hallway, In search of a bathroom. Most of my fantasies consisted of me and Stan, being held in his strong arms or us kissing in my living room, or in that old treehouse we built together- Or my favorite- him rejecting Wendy one day because..because he wants..me instead.

I sighed, and decided to push those thoughts away. It was almost the end of senior year, and Stan and I never were…and probably will never be. There was always things that separate us, like how he was so attached to Wendy, and how now he's going to be 500 miles away from me when we go to college, and how he isn't gay…I never did tell him. I wish I could…I wish I had the courage…

I strolled over to the bathroom, but before I opened the door, I heard a sudden shriek coming from down the hallway, followed by a long, howling sound.

Being the seuth that I am, I decided to investigate. I turned down the purple hallowys, following the sound of the shrieking and the howling, the moaning. It was quite loud. Was there a dog trapped somewhere? Some other animal? The screams and whimpers grew stronger as I stomped down a hallway that was being painted and the floors were torn apart and shit. I tiptoed down the hall. It smelt like paint and dust. It was dark, because they couldn't afford lighting in this part of the school. Ohh, South Park.

I stopped abruptly in front of a janitor's closet, not knowing what to expect. My shaking hand grasped the doorknob as I flung it open, expecting to see a litter of puppies or something.

No puppies. Far from puppies. VERY FAR FROM PUPPIES. I'd rather have puppies.

In the musty, dirty, stuffy closet, Wendy "Miss Perfect" Testaburger and Eric Cartman were wildly humping the brains out of each other, panting, moaning and wet. Did I mention that THEY WERE COMPLETELY NAKED?

Cartman was groping her…as he…and she was…and they…Oh god, Cartman's orgy face? Did I REALLY need to see that?

I think I was going to be sick. I made a revolting sound, and then Wendy looked up at me and gave me a look that made me wish that Death himself would come and swoop be up and take me to the fiery pits of hell.

Then something hit me, and darkness overcame me...