Author's Note: Okay…I don't really know where this entire piece came from. Maybe it's from reading World War Z too many times. (Which is an awesome book by the way. One of the best I've ever read. The zombies are a great plus too!) Or else I've been involved in way too many shipping wars. The idea of writing this whole satirical piece just came to me yesterday morning out of no where and I've been typing it down ever since.

Okay, so we all know about the whole Duncan/Gwen and Duncan/Courtney shipper war going on right now. And I can tell from all the flamers and list-fics titled "Ten reasons why Duncan and Gwen should be a couple" and the enemy of it "Ten reasons why Duncan and Gwen Should NOT be a couple", that we're all pretty pissed at each other right now.

I'll give it to you guys straight. I'm a Duncan/Courtney shipper and, yes, I'm pretty upset all the Duncan/Gwen stuff going on. However, if this shipping war is going to happen, then I might as well have some fun with it.

So, both Duncan/Courtney shippers and Duncan/Gwen shippers alike, I like to present to you the Nonofficial Documentation of Shipper War CxDxG…

Warning to Readers: This story was written strictly for humor-related purposes and contains a lot of shipper bashing, particularly both Duncan/Courtney and Duncan/Gwen. It also pokes fun at tons of other stuff so please do not get offended.

The war was starting.

It was no surprise to any- no, everyone could practically feel it brewing for months- but it still struck fear to know that it was finally here. At the beginning there were a couple minor spats- harmless jeers between friends and comrades at the beginning in season one. Some might even consider it playful banter. I do recall two acquaintances of mine of a long while past- good buddies and childhood friends who happened to like the Total Drama series very much.

As the first episode rolled, and the contestants were stepping out of the boats, one friend playfully nudged the other and pointed at the character known as Courtney, saying, "Ten bucks say that the hot ass gets with the delinquent!"

The friend smiled and winked, "Yeah, right the delinquent and the Goth would get together, wait you see!"

Then they clink their drinks and got drunk while watching the rest of the episode.

Now many months, and three seasons later, one of the acquaintances (a Duncan/Courtney shipper, Duncney for short) is dead- killed by a pole stuck up his butt. He was murdered by his friend and drinking buddy (a Gwen/Duncan, let's call it Gwecan) during one of the many Duncney and Gwecan battles that happened after the Celebrity Manhunt episode.

War is hell and shipper wars are the worst. Fellow fans have turned against fans. Friends have turned into enemies. Thousands of fanfiction stories and Deviantart pictures have been burned in the masses. Tears, sweat, and blood has been spilled in the battles that have been raged in the last couple of months. Veterans and survivors of previous and still ongoing shipping wars fear that the war between the Duncney and Gwecan shippers may soon rise to become one of the worst in shipping history.

"The war between Zutara and Kataang was the worst!" A retired Kataang (Aang/Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender) shipper, but now supporter for the Duncney side gruffly said.

Under a white Katie/Sadie gossip flag of peace, I was allowed to enter a hospital that was located on the Total Drama Action movie set ground- neutral territory. Neither the Duncney shippers nor Gwecan had fully managed to fully win it. Hundreds of wounded shippers from both sides had been sent here for recovery. It was a good time to interview some shippers.

"Go on," I, journalist Strix M. Wing , urged, quickly writing down every word he said. I had been assigned the job of collecting researched documentation of the CxDxG War so that it could be studied and preserved for future shipping crisis.

"These Total Drama fans don't know nothin' about real shipping wars!" The Duncney shipper barked. He pointed to a large, red scar on his leg. "See that? Got that burn from a Zutara in the shipping battle that came after the Southern Raiders episode. In my good ol' Avatar days, we Kataang shippers really knew how to really bash them dumb Zutarians real good!"

"You Kataang shippers were nothing more than a bunch of daisy-picking, yellow-bellies, empty-headed, suck-up pussies!" a dark-skinned man with his arm covered in bloody bandages, lying in the bed besides the Duncney shipper piped up. "I've seen more imagination in a rock than in your Kataang shippers! Zutara was the way to go!" The Zutara raised his non-injured arm in the air in a Fire Nation salute and shouted, "ZUKO AND KATARA FOR LIFE!"

The Duncney shipper shot a withering glare at his neighbor. "Damn it, I thought the Gwecans had done something right for once and killed your sorry ass."

At this point, I paused from my scribbles and raised an eyebrow in confusion. I pointed the eraser of my pencil to the Duncney shipper. "Griff, you mean that that guy isn't a Gwecan shipper?"

The Duncney shipper, Griff, shook his bandaged head. "Nay, as much as I hate Marvin, him and me are on the same side in this war."

Marvin, the Zutarian and Duncney shipper nodded. "That idiot is right! Gwen and Duncan are too nice to each other for my taste, Ms. Wing." He gave a flirtatious wink in my direction. "We Zutarians love a bit of conflict in our ships. I'm not a canon person myself, but Duncan and Courtney have enough conflict to make me happy!"

Griff sniffed. "Canon is the only way a ship should go!"

"But if Gwen and Duncan kiss won't that then be considered canon?" Marvin pointed out.

"Oh go boil your head you slimy dick!"

At this point, I had to call for attention before a food fight of nasty hospital jelly could break out. After being restraint by a team of doctors and nurses (all neutral, peaceful Geoff/Bridgette and Lindsay/Tyler shippers) and threatened to watch two hours of Chowder, the interview continued.

"Aye, strange thought seeing a Kataang and Zutara shipper working together." Griff said. "But that's the deal with ships- they're fickle buggers! Sides change, you know. Just as two friends can become enemies fighting for one show's ship, two enemies can become friends supporting a ship on another show! It's a dangerous business, I tell you. One can't afford to get attached to anyone you know." He jerked his head towards Marvin, snarling, "You can tell that I truly support Duncney because I teamed up with this idiot!"

"Idiot yourself! You're just lucky that The Last Airbender movie sucked so badly that it's not worth having any shipping wars over it or else I'd burned your ass off!"

"Damn, that movie did suck ass." Griff agreed.

The every conscious patient in the hospital room, whether they be Gwecan or Duncney shippers, all nodded in solemn agreement.

As my trip to the shipper hospital revealed, this war not only brought new fans of the Total Drama island, but veteran shippers from other mediums. But war does not just affect Gwecan and Duncney shippers. Many minor Total Drama ships have been pulled into the war front. I traveled deep into Gwecan territory (quite dangerous for those who support Duncney like myself) using my Bridgette/Geoff shipper passport. Brideoff shippers are, for the most part, left in peace, through they occasionally ambushed by crack ships such as Bridgette/Pole who, for some odd reason, knock them out and still their shoes and underwear. In Gwecan territory, I got to interview with some who worked at the Gwecan fanfiction center.

"What our job is?" a pretty woman with short, curly blonde hair, styled into a bob and a Brooklyn accent asked. She leaned close and inhaled deeply into her cigarette and tapped it some ashes into the ashtray. "Now let me tell ya toots, we do big business here! This war can't be won without us, ya know why, sweetheart?"

I cough, fanning away the putrid smoke with my hand. "No, Miss. Gothlet."

"Call me Cathie." The woman that acted like she belonged in some black and white crime movie said. "Moral support! That's what it is missy! We at the fanfiction center are dedicated on writing up fanfiction stories practically drowning in Duncan and Gwen mush! We spread the word of Gwecan around to squash out that bitch Courtney out of the picture!" Cathie gave a big, red-lipped smirk and pulled out some papers. "I've written a few good ones myself! Want to take a look?"

I hesitantly read through the first chapter of the fanfiction story she had given me which involved Gwen finding Duncan somewhere in African. I then read through the second chapter…something putting vipers out for Courtney….and then the third…running away and camping out the desert…..I really had to stop by the fourth…

"You're….you're very graphic on the murder and sex scenes." I weakly commented. My face was a nasty color of green. Oh god, what was that I just read? There was a lot of blood and sand stuck in between someone's butt cheeks.

The Gwecan shipper's face lit up. "They're my specialty! Wanna read my other one with Gwen, Duncan, and Bridgette doing a threesome?"

I barely made to the trash bin before I hurled up my lunch of Indian food. Some people were just not made to write fanfiction of any ships.

Afterwards, Miss. Cathie Gothlet gave me a tour of the fanfiction work center. There were rows and rows of people on computers, intensely typing away, not even bothering to look up as we passed by.

"Now, let me tell ya, we were a bit on the slow side getting started in the war." Cathie animatedly narrated as we passed through the many roles. "In season one, it was all Duncan and that bitch what's-her-name all over the internet! Not a single Gwecan fic to boot!" She leaned close and whispered into my ear, "And, between you and me, the Gwen and Duncan fics that were posted up at that time were absolute crap!" She let out a mocking, screeching laugh, "Not like my masterpieces!"

I slapped a hand over my mouth to hold in the vomit.

"But around season two," she continued, "things started to really heat up, I'll tell you! Gwecan actually became possible and Duncney shippers practically pissed themselves! Now that season three's around, Gwecan fics have practically taken over !"

The saucy New York woman sauntered off, sexily swinging her hips, to one of the authors typing. It was a fairly handsome, brunette guy with glasses. Cathie abruptly glomped him, wrapping her arms around his neck and cooing, "This is here Ted, one of my personal favorite Gwecan authors!" She gave a roguish wink. "If you catch me drift, sweety."

Looking quite flustered and uncomfortable, Ted tried to pull himself out of the ditzy girl's grip by tugging on his computer. "Er…I'm really more of a LeShawna/Harold shipper. I just have Gwen and Duncan as a side couple in some of stories."

"But Courtney dies in it right?"

"Er…no…she's with Cody."

"…She still dies right?"

While Ted was sighing, I asked, "So how is this war affecting the side ships of Total Drama?"

The nerd-like dude began cleaning his glasses as he explained, "Well, this shipping war has been tough for all ships to tell the truth. It doesn't matter if your Total Drama OTP…er…One True Pairing…isn't Duncan and Courtney or Duncan and Gwen. Many fanfiction writers who have used them as only side pairings have been forced to choose sides in this war. I don't even like the character Duncan very much to tell the truth…"

Thousands of gasps erupted throughout the room and every female head turned to stare, jaws open in shocked horror, at Ted. The poor guy gave a frustrated sigh.

"For the love of…I'M A GUY!"

This seemed to be a satisfying enough answer and the girls all turned away and went back to work.

"Oh, yes, you are definitely a guy." Cathie purred, eyes roaming down his body. "And what fine piece of one too."

"Anyway," Ted continued, ignoring the creepy comment. "Even my main ship is Harold and LeShawna, but I believe that Gwecan is the most logical choice between it and Duncney. You must think of romance as a science. The 'opposites attract' argument, as romantic as it sounds, hardly ever works in real life. In order for a couple to work, they must have some common goals. Personality wise, Duncan and Gwen are very compatible with one another because they have similar interests. Duncan and Courtney together just has too much fire which is why…"

"She's a bitch!" Cathie interrupted.

"…No, which why I pair her up with Cody." Ted finished. "Logically, Cody's calm personality would cool down Courtney's temper. Plus, they're on the same team in this season so it's highly possible my assumptions could proof correct."

"Wow, you make me want to screw so bad when you talk smarts." Cathie purred. She grabbed his arm and tried to tugged him away from the computer, "Come on, sugar! How about you help me work out a lemon scene for my new story. It's rated M!"

"Okay, I think I've heard enough." I said, grabbing my suitcase and coat. As I walked out of the room, I could still hear Cathie yelling and Ted wailing.

"No…no…no! I have to finish this story! I'm not ready for a new girlfriend!"

"Let's go the closet and roleplay as Gwen and Duncan! Come here my sweet delinquent!"

"GAH! HELP!"

The next stop on my journey to officially document significant events and proceedings of the warfront was to the a chosen group of people called the Admins, who's so duty was to enforce the law, break up small shipper fights, and to protect the innocents involved caught up in the bloody shipper battles. I was lucky enough to have a conversation with the lead Admin, Officers Beneatha, during one of her patrol rounds.

"Yeah, since season three of Total Drama rolled around, we Admins have were had our hands full." The tanned skinned, slightly Hispanic woman said as we patrolled down the empty streets. "Every patrol we have to break up to two or four fights between Duncney shippers and Gwecan shippers each night. Not that it really surprises me. Three's the unlucky number, I tell you. In every show, season 3 is the absolute worst for shipper fights." She counted off fingers. "Danny Phantom, Avatar the Last Airbender, Transformers Animated….season 3 was always their last season, but always bombarded with shipping hints."

"What happens after the last season is over?" I asked, pointing my flashlight into some bushes.

"It starts to cool down after a couple of months. But small scuffles will still break out." Officer Beneath answered. "I still have to break apart a Robin/Starfire and Robin/Raven shipper every once and awhile, same goes for those darn Avatar shippers. Shippers are a stubborn bunch, I'll hand them that."

"How are the Total Drama shippers different from previous ones you've had to deal with?" I ask.

"A lot more violent towards each other, for starters! I haven't seen a group of shippers hate each other so much since the whole Edward/Bella/Jacob war! If you support Duncney then you hate Gwen and if you support Gwecan, then you hate Courtney! There's no in betweens with these people! I've the fire department go put out two fires made by flamers who were burning on some Gwecan stories and pictures, even a couple of music videos. The hate never stops! And don't get me started….Oh shit!" Her eyes go wide with fright and she quickly grabs her walkie-talkie, shouting, "We have a Code 146! Crack ship is spotted! I repeat, a crack ship has been spotted!"

In front of us, digging into a trashcan, was a man with spiky, brown hair, a dark overcoat, and a wild look in his eyes. Officer Beneath ran towards him, waving her beating stick up in the air. "Hoy! You! Out of the trash and hands up in the air! You're under arrest for the charges of shipping under the influence of ridiculous insanity!"

The crack shipper spotted the Admin officer and bolted, shouting up at the top of his lungs.

"You will never catch the mighty BRIDGETTE/POLE SHIPPER! We shall WIN this WAR! And when we do, we'll steal all of your underwear and shoes….maybe even your BUTTONS AS WELL! MUEWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Before he ran off, he spotted me and rushed towards me, snatching off a button off coat and ran off again, laughing maniacally.

God, I need a new day job.

"Those Gwecan shippers are nothing more than vile, traitorous delinquents who wish to ruin the delicate romantic balance within the Total Drama." A deep, intimidating voice silkily rumbled. This voice belonged to an equally intimidating-looking man- General Lucian Rusfin, Head of the International C.I.T's, the largest organization of Duncney shippers in the world.

I had come to the headquarters of the International C.I.T's, which is located in a secret underground faculty somewhere in the bleak deserts of Arizona, probably under the bombing area showing the Celebrity Manhunt episode. I haven't the slightest idea for in order to obtain this interview, I was required to be led to the base in blindfolds.

General Lucian was a large black man with a shapely, well muscled body with eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. Always at his side was a large, vicious looking, Doberman Pincher.

"Is the dog part of the war efforts?" I inquired, slowly backing away from the snarling beast.

"Her name is Courtney." General Lucian darkly droned. "She's here to sniff out Gwecan shippers in disguise. For example…" the menacing looking man turned to his dog and said, "Courtney…" he pointed a finger toward me. "Gwen!"

'Courtney' let out an aggressive snarl and leapt away from her master's side, barking and giant jaws snapping…

The page of the returned manuscript following this point was found ripped to tiny pieces and covered in dog drool. However, a C.I.T worker who was in the same room at the time, gave an eyewitness report of journalist Strix M. Wing squealing in terror, jumping in a nearby computer chair, and screaming out, "I SUPPORT D AND C! I SUPPORT D AND C! I READ DC COMICS DAMN IT!" while the dog Courtney tried jumped up and down, trying to snap her face off.

"Duncan."

The Doberman immediately backed down at the command and trotted back over to General Lucian.

"How very efficient." I managed to squeak out as soon as I had stopped trembling from my flash with death. "Don't you think all this is a little extreme?"

"One can never be too extreme with dealing with the pestilence known as Gwecan." The General growled, clenching his massive fist. "That ship is a scourge among the name of all ships canon. Never in my life have I encountered a ship so vile, so immoral as the one I am speaking of. It is dark menace upon societ- GOTH!" the general unexpectedly cried out in midsentence and pulled his large gun out, looking around wildly like a fox searching for a rabbit. Everyone else did the same.

Seconds ticked by before the general calmly straightened up and put the gun away. "False alarm people. Return to business." As everyone resumed their tasks, the leader muttered, "Damn it, those Goths escaped me again!"

At this, I slowly backed away from the unstable man.

"As I was saying," continued General Lucian acting as if nothing happened, "Duncney is a ship that should have never been messed with! I'd rather die than allow Gwecan to become the main ship on Total Drama and I stop any Gwecan shipper that gets in my…."

All of the sudden all the lights went out in the huge chamber and the giant wall-covering computer screen began to flash a dark blue, screeching, "BLUE ALERT! BLUE ALERT! BLUE ALERT!"

"Uhh…shouldn't it be red alert?" I asked.

"Blue is the most dangerous color there is." General Lucian snarled, "It is the color of Gwen and is the color I despise most of all. The only blue I like to see, the blue on a Gwecan shipper's face as I strangle them."

Once again, I slowly inched away from the frightening man.

"What's the problem?" the general barked to one of the panicking people running around.

"A spoiler alert has been found!" shouted one of the people furiously typing numerous codes upon the computer screen. "And it's a major one! We found it on Youtube and it seems to be a real one this time!"

"Pull it up on screen!" General Lucian ordered. "NOW!"

The front page of Youtube popped up on the giant computer screen. One of the C.I.T's keyed in a couple of words on the search bar, "Total…Drama…Duncan…and Gwen…kiss…enter." The spoiler video was at the top of the page.

They pressed the 'Play' button.

Every Duncney shipper was silent as the short video played, eyes lifted up and reflecting the light from the computer screen. When it ended, the silence had turned deafening.

That's when the panicking began.

Screams filled the air as Duncney shippers toppled their chairs over and ran around the room like headless chickens in blind panic.

"WE'RE ALL DOOMED!"

"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE CAPTURED AND BRAINWASHING INTO BECOMING DUNCAN/GWEN SHIPPERS!"

"THEY'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" The gunshot followed this particular exclamation, and blood and brain bits splattered all over my clipboard and suitcase.

"EVERYONE, SHUT THE F-another gunshot- UP!" boomed the General, standing in the middle of the chaos. The rest of the Duncney shippers all froze, staring up at their leader like lost puppies. Once he had all their attention, the general spoke.

"Are we going to take this load of bullshit?" the General roared, "Or are we going to take back what is ours?" Not waiting for an answer, he growled, "Everyone grab your weapons! While those vile cretins are gloating for this win, we'll take the battle to them and win the war!" He placed an army helmet on his bald head and lifted a deadly looking sword in the air. "Who's with me?"

"DUNCAN AND COURTNEY FOR LIFE!" the Duncney shippers roared, rushing off to grab their assortment of weapons, eager to go off slaying a couple of Gwencan shippers in battle.

I was about to sneak off, when suddenly a large hand tightly and painfully gripped my shoulder.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" growled the general.

I lifted my bloodstained clipboard. "Off to finish the documentation?"

"Oh no, Missy! You're a Duncney shipper aren't you? Instead of scribbling useless, yippy-loving words, about time you earned your place in the war effort!" he slapped an army helmet on my head. "You're joining the battle!"

"WHAT?"

I am sorry to say, dear readers, that this may very well be the end of the Nonofficial Documentation of Shipper War CxDxG. As I am writing this, I am huddled in one of the Duncney war trench, awaiting my doom as the Gwecan army steadily approaches. This was supposed to be surprise attack, since most of the Gwecan shippers were off partying after viewing the Youtube spoiler video of Duncan and Gwen kissing, however some idiot had the bright idea of updating her Facebook status saying, "OMG! The Duncney army is about to wipe out the Gwecan army! Like so excited!:))))"

Stupid Facebook.

While everyone else is armed with guns, knives, swords, cheese grinders, light poles, chainsaws, and other deadly looking items, I only have a blood-spattered suitcase, clipboard, and pen. My odds of surviving this battle aren't good, I'm afraid.

The approaching Gwecan army also has many lethal looking weapons, though the majority of them are just carrying metal poles with sharpened ends. One of their famous ways of killing Duncney shippers is by sticking a pole up their butt. Rather gruesome. I'm hoping that once the battle starts, if I can pretend to be dead, everyone will leave me alone and I'll be able to crawl away after every else has been brutally killed.

The General does a pep talk before the fighting shall begin.

"Remember my fellow Duncney shippers," General Lucian, says in a fearless voice, "Our enemies may have won many battle recently, but their ship has only made it this far through deceit! A good relationship should not be formed by underhanded lying, cheating, and backstabbing others!"

A voice shouted out from the side of the vast field where the Gwecan army was.

"OH STOP BEING SO MELODRAMATIC! COURTNEY HAD IT COMING SINCE SEASON TWO!"

The Duncney leader shouted back.

"HOW CAN YOU IDIOTS SUPPORT YOUR STUPID SHIP? IF I COMES TRUE THEN YOU'RE JUST SUPPORTING A LYING CHEATER AND A BACKSTABBER!"

"GWEN AND DUNCAN WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE!"

"GWEN'S NOTHING MORE THAN A FILTHY GOTH!"

"BETTER A GOTH THAN AN UPTIGHT BITCH!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"Ah, forget the pep talk!" General Lucian pulled out his sword and pointed toward the Gwecan army. "CHARGE!"

"Duncney is true love!" the Duncney shippers roared as they climbed out of the trenches and began to run across the empty field, yelling and waving their weapons. I was pushed along with them.

"Gwecan forever!" shouted the Gwecan shippers as they did the same.

It was at that moment, all hell broke loose.

Instead of all the shippers colliding together in a mass of blood and weapons, there was numerous screams and people suddenly disappeared from sight. Suddenly, I and everyone around me, suddenly felt the earth vanish from beneath our feet, and were sent toppling down into a massive deep hole.

All of us, Duncney and Gwecan shippers alike, laid stunned and groaning at the bottom of numerous holes that someone had managed to dig in the middle of the field.

"What just happened?" A Gwecan shipper on my right asked.

Suddenly there came a familiar, utterly insane voice from above.

"SEE? I told you! Us, Bridgette/Pole shippers shall win this war! NOW GIVE ME YOUR BUTTONS AND UNDERWEAR!"

The documentation ends after this point and nothing else is know about what happens after the battle. However, it should be noted that when this manuscript was brought to be published, it was delivered by the authorist herself, Miss. Strix M. Wing. When she brought it to us, she came in with no shoes, buttons missing from her shirt, covered in dirt and with an extremely agitated look upon her face. She threw the slightly damaged manuscript into the publisher's face, flipped him off, and stomped out of the room. When asked if she would be working on any more projects concerning the Duncney and Gwecan shipping war, her reply was "Never in a million years."

Like I said at the beginning of the story, if this is a humor-based story that's content should not, by any means, be taken seriously. I wrote it just to poke fun at the Duncan/Courtney and Duncan/Gwen shipping war going on. I tried to make fun of both the Duncney and Gwecan shippers, as well as all ships in general, equally.

No matter what ship you support, I hope you guys had fun reading this story and got a few laughs out of it. I'd really appreciate a review!

Oh, and Bridgette/Pole shippers rule even if they do dig in your trash and steal your buttons and underwear. Lol.