Long time no see everyone! It's been . . . . a year and a half since I posted last. Senior year of high school and first year of college really sucked away all of my time. But here I am with a story that I hope doesn't suck! Also, this is very angsty. I warn you now. But I really hope you like it! Enjoy :)
Three Cheers for Five Years
Five years. He had wasted five fucking years on someone who didn't care. Five years on someone who only wanted to string him along with constant promises of what was never going to happen. He was finally done.
And none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for Georgia. Georgia and those stupid fireworks.
15
It had been a big surprise when Logan's parents offered the fly them all down to Logan's grandparent's house in Georgia for Fourth of July weekend, but a very welcome surprise. Logan hadn't wanted to go by himself and his parents had enough money that they could easily get all four of them down there.
But it didn't start until they were under the fireworks.
It was a warm summer night, air think with buzzing as the fireworks bathed everything in light. They were positioned on a small cliff overlooking the town, Logan's grandparent's house a three minute walk to the right as they observed the scene in front of them. He should be watching the fireworks, be as enraptured with them as the rest of the boys were, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from something else.
Had he ever looked so perfect, or was it just the multi-colored light reflecting on his face that made him seem out of this world? It had to be a trick, because in thirty seconds flat his friend had transformed into this strange beautiful creature. And he couldn't stop staring.
"Kendall, what are you staring at?" Logan asked, not in the slightest bit oblivious to the fact that the blonde boy had his eyes trained on him for the last minute.
Shaking his head, Kendall's cheeks turned a light pink as he snapped himself out of his thought. "No-nothing. Just looking at the fireworks. That's all." But Logan was smart, and he knew what he wanted.
"Come here." Logan said, reaching out for Kendall's hand, ready to lead him away from Carlos and James.
Kendall apprehensively let the smaller boy pull him to his feet, and with a quick "we'll be back in a second" throw at Carlos and James, Logan was pulling him into the trees that surrounded their viewing area.
His heart was suddenly racing. He had always liked Logan better, differently, than all his other friends. That wasn't a new revelation, but being here, underneath the fireworks, no one else around, Logan looking up at him with the cute cocky look he knew so well, it felt real. What had once been nothing but a fleeting thought in Kendall's head solidified. This was real. They were real. Anything could happen.
"Do you like me Kendall?" Logan asked.
"Of course I like you," he answered without missing a beat.
"I mean . . . you like me don't you. Really like me." At these words Kendall went slightly stiff. Was this the moment? Was this the right time? "It's ok," Logan continued, looking straight into the taller boys eyes. And that was when it happened.
Before Kendall even knew what to think, Logan's lips were pressed against his. It wasn't long, it wasn't deep. It was sweet, quick, just enough to make him want more.
It took several moments before Kendall's brain maintained semi-normal functioning. "Logan?" he asked, not sure exactly what this meant.
"Yeah?"
"Do you like me?"
Logan smiled "Of course I like you Kendall," he responded, mirroring the blonde boys earlier response. "But don't tell anybody about this okay? Not even James and Carlos. It'll be our little secret."
Kendall nodded as Logan grabbed his hand and started leading him back to the other two boys to finish watching the fireworks show. Kendall followed, his lips still buzzing.
After all, at 15 all you really want is someone to share a secret with.
16
It was March of sophomore year when Logan pulled up to his house in a dark blue car, honking loudly until Kendall came running out to admire the machine with him.
"Your parents actually bought you a car!" Kendall said with amazement, running his fingers across the length of the thing. "This is sweet."
"Wanna go for a ride?" Logan offered, tossing his keys in the air and raising his eyebrows in a suggestive way that made the blonde boy laugh.
"Totally." After a quick trip inside to let his mom know he would be back soon, the two boys were sitting in the car, Logan revving the engine before taking off down the street.
"Where do you want to go?" Logan asked, keeping his eyes on the road.
"I don't care. Anywhere is fine with me."
A slight smile came onto Logan's face and he nodded. "I know just the place."
After about ten minutes of singing along with the radio and collectively geeking out over the car, they arrived at a small back road surrounded by trees. Logan parked the car, and Kendall was struck by the familiarity of this scene; before he had time to think about it more, Logan was pulling him into the back seat and, for the second time, their lips locked.
However, this time was very different from their first kiss.
It was hot, sweaty, needy. It was a mix of entangled limbs and hot breath looking to be deeper, closer to one another, desperately pulling at clothes to try and bring the other impossibly closer.
Slowly, they came down from their high, panting into each other's necks as their heart rates returned to normal. Much sooner than Kendall would have liked, Logan pulled away, straightening his shirt and climbing back up to the front seat.
Kendall followed, once again confused at what had just happened between him and his friend.
"You can't tell anyone again." Logan said, not looking at Kendall. "We can't be anything more than friends right now. People wouldn't get it. They wouldn't understand. It has to be between us."
And as much as Kendall wanted to tell Logan that people would understand, that they'd just have to deal with seeing them together, that he didn't want to be friend with the smaller boy, he wanted to be more, he stayed silent. If this was what Logan wanted he would give it to him.
"It's for the best," Logan continued as he buckled his seat belt. "It's the only way it can be." Kendall moved closer, trying to pull Logan into his arms again, wanting to feel him one last time before they left, but the small boys moved away, dejecting Kendall's advances. "This is the way it has to be," Logan reminded him, putting the car into drive and pulling away
And as Kendall turned back forward to face the road he frowned. At 16, all you really want is someone to hold.
17
For all people cracked it up to be, Junior Prom was turning out to be complete and utter hell. To make it fair, Kendall didn't get to go with the person he wanted to. That was because the person he wanted to go with was still refusing to believe there was anything between them but normal friendship.
It wasn't that Kendall didn't understand what Logan was afraid of, coming out scared him to. It was more of the fact that Logan wouldn't even tell him that what they were doing was real, that it meant something. That was the most frustrating part, like Logan was trying to deny what was really going on.
Still, he thought he might be able to have a decent time tonight . . . that was wishful thinking. Because here he was, sitting in a corner of the gym while everyone else screamed and dances around him. Prom had ended an hour and a half ago, and now "after-prom" had started. He'd lost his date ages ago, and couldn't find his friends to save his life. So instead of dancing and having fun, Kendall was spending his night drinking watered-down punch. Fun.
After 30 minutes of this Kendall was ready to go home, and was just about to stand up and go find his date to tell her he was leaving, when Logan appeared beside him.
"Wanna come with me for a little bit?"
Kendall wasn't so naïve anymore. He knew what Logan wanted, all the perks of a relationship without any actual commitment. So why couldn't he bring himself to say no?
"Yeah," he breathed, letting himself feel defeated as he followed Logan out of the gym into the parking lot. It was deserted, making the perfect cover; the only one Logan would ever come out under.
This scene had become so familiar, so routine. They would sneak away, make out (occasionally a little bit more) and then go back like nothing had ever happened. Every time Logan would remind him that this was a secret, that no one would understand. Kendall didn't know why he pretended to understand.
So as Logan pulled him into the back of his car and forced their lips together, Kendall let go. As much as he wanted more, these small moments with Logan were all he had, and he'd be damned if he didn't cherish them. He forgot about the bitterness he sometimes felt during the day. He forgot all about what they didn't have and focused on what they did. It wasn't much, but it was better than not having Logan at all.
So when the mood changed he went with it. He let their pace get slower, he let Logan slip him out of his clothes, and he let himself feel all the smaller boy had to offer.
They made love. Right there in the dingy parking lot in the back of Logan's car. As their bodies moved together Kendall felt everything coming together. All the late nights spent wide awake wondering what he was doing to his life, all the times he went back to Logan after a night spent with their lips glued together and he didn't even get a second glance out of the smaller boy, all of the shit Logan had put him through in the last two years were worth it for this one perfect moment.
He loved Logan. And as they both finished and clung to each other in the aftermath, Kendall fully came to appreciate that this was the happiest he'd ever been, and probably the happiest he ever would be.
But of course, Logan had to go a ruin that too.
"We have to get back inside. Everyone will be wondering where we are."
The little fairytale world Kendall had been living in since they got in the car shattered. Nothing had changed. Logan didn't love him, not in the same way at least. He was just his toy.
And as Kendall pulled back to look at Logan's face he felt like he could cry. Logan didn't look loving or gentle, not at all what he looked like a few short moments before. His face was hard and serious, the way he always got after they fooled around.
But instead of doing what he would usually do and push it off, telling himself that things would change eventually, he found a heat growing inside of him.
"How can that have meant nothing to you at all," Kendall choked out, sounding much more broken than he intended to. "It's like you don't even care what we just did."
Logan frowned and lost a bit of his stony look. "It means everything to me Kendall. It really does."
"The only thing you show is that you care far more about what other people think of you than of how you treat me."
"Kendall you know that's not true. You know I care about you. It's just not a good time to come out with this. Do you have any idea what would happen to us? Any idea what kind of situation we'd be putting ourselves into?" Logan sighed and sat up straight. "This can't happen officially now. Everything we knew would change." He looked Kendall straight in the eye and continued. "I'm not asking you to wait forever. Just until we get out of here. Until we go to college and are around people who are more accepting, people who won't judge us for how we love."
Kendall closed his eyes and sighed. How could Logan do this to him? Make everything in the world seem so simple and easy? So Kendall agreed, and as Logan came in for one last kiss he really tried to understand.
Because at 17, all you really want is someone to understand.
18
College applications were freaking Logan out. Hardly a day would go by without him outwardly blabbering about deadlines for this college, or qualification for this school. And while it was getting on everybody else's nerved, Kendall found it really cute.
Things had gotten a lot better since prom night. Kendall was trying to be more understanding of Logan's fears, and as a result, Logan was opening up to him more, whispering things in his ear when they were tangled in bed sheets, talking of the future they could one day have.
Really, it took all Kendall had to stop from shouting his love for Logan over the rooftops, but he was somehow able to contain himself.
And today was the day, the day acceptance letter for Logan's top choice of college arrived, and he was a nervous wreck.
"What if I don't get in?" Logan said, sounding like another minute of anticipation would kill him.
"You'll get in" Kendall assured him. "They'd be crazy not to have you. You are the best after all."
The smart boy managed a small smile before his face went pale white, the post had arrived. He practically ran out to the mail box the second the mail man had closed the door and wrenched it open, holding the letter delicately in his hands.
That didn't last long however, and after a minute of staring at the front he tore into the envelope, ripping out the paper inside and quickly scanning the first page.
Kendall didn't even have enough time to ask him if he was in before Logan had thrown himself at the blonde boy in a fierce hug.
"I got in! I got in! I got in!" he repeated over and over, nearly squeezing Kendall to death.
Kendall smiled and congratulated him, patting him softly on the back.
"Guess I should go check my mailbox now," Kendall said when Logan finally disentangled himself from him.
"What?" Logan asked, puzzled.
"You didn't think I wasn't going to apply there too, did you?" He had thought it was a good idea, Logan and him going to the same school together, but he had wanted it to be a surprise. Now he was wondering if he should have told Logan.
Luckily, after taking a minute to process what Kendall had said, Logan smiled and took his hand to lead him across the street towards the Knight house.
Kendall got accepted into their biology program, and as they hugged again, Kendall thought that from here things could only get better.
Because at 18, all you really want is to know you won't be totally alone forever.
19
Kendall had never been a fan of parties. There were too many people who wanted to get close to you, alcohol on their breath and wandering hands. The only reason he was out tonight was because Logan had dragged him to this sleazy party so they could "make some new friends in college." It just wasn't Kendall's scene.
And since getting an entire beer spilled on him was the last straw, Kendall was searching for Logan so he could get the hell out of this random person's house.
He had scanned the entire downstairs, no Logan. Making his way up the stairs, an initial look over told him Logan wasn't up here either. He sighed and pushed on down the hallway, thinking Logan might be chilling talking to someone in a back room somewhere.
When he pushed open his second door, he wished immediately he wouldn't have.
There was Logan all right; beer in one hand, the other wrapped around a small blonde's waist whose lips he was currently trying to suck off of her mouth.
Kendall froze, and the opening of the door broke the two apart. Logan saw him, looked him straight in the eye and Kendall saw the haziness there, and knew Logan was probably trashed, but he didn't care. The image of him kissing the girl was burned into his mind.
It was like a knife had been driven into his chest. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and without even waiting for an explanation, Kendall ran. Ran down the stairs, out the front door, all the way to their apartment on the outskirts of campus, and to his room, locking the door behind him so Logan couldn't get it.
Kendall's room didn't get used much. In the two month they had lived here Kendall spent most of his nights in Logan's room. But not tonight. Not ever again.
He didn't sleep, didn't even blink. All night and into the next morning he stayed on his floor, to frozen to even move to his bed, staring, thinking, heart bleeding, world collapsing.
It was noon when he heard the front door open and Logan return.
He started banging on the door, begging for Kendall to come out. "I was wasted Kendall. I didn't know what I was doing . . . . . Please open up." But Kendall couldn't move, couldn't answer.
After about an hour, Logan had gotten tired and irritated of the lack of response.
"It's not like I owe you anything anyway. We're not together Kendall! I have no obligation to you. I don't have to explain myself anymore."
It was spoken out of anger, and in the coming days Logan would try to take it back, slowly convincing Kendall that it really wasn't his fault after all, that he'd never drink again, and that he cared about him. But in that moment it broke Kendall and made him utter his first sound all day.
The sob ripped through his chest like a gunshot, and hurt just as bad. In that moment Kendall once again let himself go, but not to get lost in everything Logan was, but to run away from it.
After all, at 19 all you really want is something stable.
20
Everything they had even done had been a mistake. From the first kiss under the fireworks to Kendall forgiving him for getting drunk and kissing that girl. None of it should have happened, and after five years Kendall was tired of letting them.
He was sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for Logan to walk in, waiting to have a talk that was five years overdue.
When Logan finally walked in the door he stopped dead in his tracks. "Why are your bags packed?" he asked, spying the large bag at the side of the table. "I thought you we're going to stay here with me over the summer."
"Because I'm leaving," Kendall answered simply. "I can't stay here anymore. Not with you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. To you, to this school, to anything."
"I . . . .I don't understand."
Kendall shook his head. "I was in the cafeteria today when Ashley Smith came up to me," immediately Logan's face turned white. "You know what she said to me? I bet you could guess. She said 'Tell your roommate I had a great time Saturday night' and then she winked at me. So much for studying late in the library, huh?"
"Listen Kendall," Logan said, sitting down at the seat across from the blonde boy. "I had to do it. People were starting to talk, starting to guess that we were together. I had to do something, I couldn't let people think that."
"So you fucked some girl because you didn't want people to know the truth, and you expect me to be okay with that?" He was angry now, angrier than he'd ever been before.
"What else was I suppose to do?"
"How about tell them the truth!" his hands were shaking as he continued, trying his best not to yell. "You've put me through a lot of things Logan, a lot of shit, but I never thought it would go this far. You're ashamed of who you are! You're embarrassed. You can't even come out and say you love me because you're too fucking worried about what everyone else will think, so worried that you go and fool around with a girl again!"
His whole body was shaking now. "I've sat, every fucking day since we were 15 and watched as you pretend to be something you're not. Do you even know who you are anymore?"
"I'm who I've always been Kendall."
"Bullshit! You're definitely not the same little boy who took my hand and pulled me away from the fireworks in Georgia. That boy is gone, and I don't believe he's ever coming back. I need Logan. I need my best friend, my lover. Because you're not him."
"It's not like that," Logan pleaded, trying to grab Kendall's hand but having it jerked away. "This is just how it has to be right now. When we leave this place it'll be different."
"You've been saying that since high school," Kendall reminded him, feeling so frustrated he wanted to cry, "but it's never different and nothing has ever changed. You say it'll be different when we get out of college, and then it'll be different when you go to med school, and then it'll be different when you get a job, on and on with the same fucking excuses. It's not where we are that's stopping us, it's you. You and your fucking psychotic brain that thinks anyone knowing about would a world disaster. I've wasted five years waiting on you Logan and I'm not about to throw the rest of my life away too."
Logan was silent. He was staring at Kendall like he couldn't believe what the blonde boy was saying, and really neither could Kendall. Five years of hurt emotions and repressed feelings were spilling out, things he never thought he would ever say in his life.
"I love you Logan," Kendall said as he stood up and grabbed one of his bags, "but you once told me I wouldn't have to wait forever for you, and I'm done being your back-up plan. I deserve better than that."
"But you're not my back-up plan," Logan was pleading now, tears in his eyes. "I want to be with you I just-"
"You just care more about everybody seeing you as straight than you care about my feelings. You proved that when you slept with Ashley. I'm not sticking around for someone who is going to play with my heart like you have."
Once again, Logan was silent. And this time Kendall knew it was because he couldn't deny what Kendall had said. He did care more about appearance, less about the person he supposedly loved.
"I'm staying at James' apartment. I'll be back in a few days to pick up the rest of my stuff, but I don't want to see you when I do it."
"Does James know . . ." And that one sentence broke Kendall's heart even more. All he had just said, and Logan was still worried about keeping the secret.
"Yes," there was no point lying, Kendall didn't care what Logan thought of him anymore. "I called him this afternoon and told him everything. He wasn't surprised. We weren't as sneaky as we thought we were as kids."
Logan nodded but looked even paler. Kendall found that he had no sympathy left for him, not after all Logan had done.
"Goodbye." The tone in his voice was very final. He was almost out the door when Logan stopped him.
"Wait," he said from the table, and Kendall was tempted to continue straight on his path, but instead turned around to face the boy. "I-I can't lose all of you Kendall . . . can we still be friends sometime in the future?"
"I don't know" And with that he swung the door shut, at the same time closing the door on whatever he and Logan might have had.
He didn't know if they could move on from this, if they would ever be able to be in the same room without one of them yelling or crying. But he did know that for now he wasn't paying attention to where he'd been, but to what he was going to do.
After all, at 20, all you really want to do is to leave the past behind and start something new.
This was actually emotionally hard for me to write in some spots. That has never really happened to me before, and if you've read any other of my fics you know I deal with some pretty angsty stuff, and you'll also know that the ending is totally my style. That being said, please so not hate me if you did not like the ending lol.
I'm curious to see if anyone is still interested in reading BTR fics from me since I've been gone for so long. If I get a good response from this I'll assume yes and start writing more again. Thank you for reading :) Have a lovely day!