It was one of those unplanned things, REALLY….. That moment when you are sick of your nonexistent life and you decide to do something about it. But, I didn't really go at it full throttle, let's just say about 70%. Simply, I looked in the mirror, saw my reflection, and decided to change the one thing I could, my picture. With my computer monitor on, it was so freakishly easy to click save as and become a whole different identity. More importantly, my radar would hit on my target; the one person that was keeping me up at night, Ryder. It wasn't a planned catfish but it happened.

After searching for his picture on Facebook, yeah, I know, the most overused site on the Internet beside YouTube videos, I added him as friend. Of course, the picture with the perfect girl with blonde hair and blue eyes did not hurt. We became friends and with a little planning I made the transition from commenting on pictures on his wall to asking him specific questions about his life. And it was too easy for me….too easy for me to pretend that Ryder was really talking to me, the girl with the nonexistent life in the mirror who can't stand her reflection.

Ryder is absolutely beautiful. Not only is he well-liked for a personality that at most times resembles clear blue skies and 75 degree weather, but he has the whole package from his thick muscles, to baby white skin, complete with huge dimples. Love the dimples, love the whole package. What was more noticeable to me was that he seemed to have this honesty and kindness to him and that he actually respected girls. Before I knew it, my locations at school seemed to be in very close range of his.

It became very easy to converse online with Ryder. Eventually, we started chatting and messaging easy other. He seems to believe my façade and as much as I try to stop it's like eating Doritos, you seriously just can't have one…before you know it the whole bag is gone. Ryder is like that, so freaking addicting and it's getting harder to not believe my character. I so much want him to like me, at least the real me.

I'm not a freak just a shy freak who does not feel comfortable rolling out the red carpet with the whole shebang. My sister even says that I'm pretty but her vision is not my vision. And who knows, she could be saying that just because she is sympathetic to my plight. Who knows? All I know is that my heart is in agony and it's not enough to merely be words to Ryder. I want to hold his hand, see his smile, and be his ONE.

Lately, his pleas to meet me in public have become much more frequent and the back and forth dodge ball between us is causing so much friction. I want to meet but will he hate me for not being the person he expected. It's hard to say and for the life of me I just can't do it. The thought of him meeting me takes my breath away.

I typed in the words, "Not today, Ryder, I have lots going on and I'm not ready to meet yet".

"Why, you are perfect and we tell each other everything?"

"It's not the right time, Ryder, SOON".

He continued typing, "Well, before you hang up, I just want you to know something…I think I love you. As strange as it sounds, it's the truth."

Sometimes it was hard to decipher Ryder's words but the words coming out were very easy to understand and believe. But, I knew it was all a lie because how could he ever love the real me. All I could do was hang up and cry to sleep on my pillow.