Disclaimer: I do not own anything of the characters with the exception of Annalee Abbott.
I also want to explain Lily's behavior in this first chapter. Lily's depression is not a result of James nor a result of her parents' deaths (although it is intensified by both of these things). Lily isn't the villain nor is it my intention to make her out to be a villain, but James is right in what he does, and Lily's feelings are completely valid.
Lily had always loved Christmas as a young girl in Cokeworth. It wasn't the best town, but Lily had been fortunate enough to live in one of the better neighbourhoods. She missed Christmas in Cokeworth when her sister and she would get up at a quarter to six and jump on their parents' bed until they agreed to let the girls open their presents from "Father Christmas." Their parents would bring a small sack for each of the girls. Lily and Petunia had a very strict and serious tradition of getting the green and blue Christmas crowns respectively to match the colours of their eyes.
Even as they aged the sisters made an effort to keep their Christmas traditions and get together every year for their parents' benefits, but their parents weren't around anymore. Her sister had also decided to marry a man who thought Trump had "all the right ideas" for America. Lily scoffed, the last thing she needed was for Vernon Dursley to run for Prime Minister. She couldn't believe that Petunia had married the tosser who thought girls tried to get pregnant in order to feed off the government yet ridiculed girls who were on birth control.
Lily's less than friendly feelings for the bloke were also a result of Lily walking in on him insinuating to Petunia and her parents that Lily was a good-for-nothing, promiscuous slag who would end up living off the government. He also never let an opportunity go by to insult Lily's friends–Remus Lupin (who was constantly ill), Sirius Black (the runaway), and James Potter (the Mexican-Welsh).
The only ones he hadn't insulted yet were Peter Pettigrew and April Eliot who made it a point to avoid Lily's home–or what had been home when she wasn't at university–whenever the Dursleys had been around. Vernon had especially held a certain contempt for James whose parents had been famous business entrepreneurs in England but had sold their company and returned to Fleamont Potter's home country of Wales where they had James later in life. Vernon called James a good-for-nothing–well Lily didn't really want to so much as think about what he had said to James, but let's just say it resulted in James attempting to punch her xenophobic brother-in-law in the face for daring to insult Euphemia Potter née Escamilla. Lily almost let him.
If it wasn't clear, Lily hated her sister's husband. Vermin had made sure Petunia had no contact with her since her parents' deaths last month. He didn't want her to corrupt their little Dudleykins. That left Lily to spend her Christmas alone in the flat she has been sharing with James since her parents' deaths. She supposed that had it been any other year she wouldn't have been alone, but all her friends were elsewhere. Sirius was in in Madrid visiting his Uncle Alphard, April was vacationing in Italy with her parents and two younger brothers, Remus was simply sick and insisted on being alone, and Peter was spending the wonderful holiday with his mother.
All in all, there wasn't a better way to spend the end of the year than reminiscing on all the mistakes she made this year, especially when it came to James Potter. James. Well, James was a special case she supposed. James who was sweet and made her laugh as if she would never do so again and kissed her in a way that made her feel like a match had been lit inside of her. James who was so animated and talked with his hands and began rambling sentences in Spanish until he remembered that the only one of their friends who understood them was Sirius. He would blush red at this and ruffle his hair and send her that grin that would make her knees go weak. He was clumsy and as blind as they came. James who told her in March, a week before his birthday, that he loved her. James who Lily broke up with because of this, because she couldn't take that her boyfriend of five-months told her that he loved her, and she was afraid of what that meant.
She regretted it when he began dating Annalee Abbott (although she had begun to regret it before then), who Lily reluctantly admitted was a perfectly nice girl, in September. Annalee came to all of James' football matches and seemed to always be around the flat–days that made Lily want to cry because she had long ago admitted to herself that she was in love with the prat. He had always been a good boyfriend to her (incredible, really), she had no doubt he was a good one to Annalee.
James didn't speak to Lily about her for obvious reasons, but sometimes she was curious. Did he love Annalee as he had once claimed to love Lily? Did Euphemia call her mija as she had done so for her? Did Fleamont call her cariad? Did James make her heart stop for a second every time he smiled at her? Did he brighten up her day every time he told her a lame pun that she would pretend to hate? Did she know that James Potter was the best kind of guy who cared so much about others that he let his awful ex-girlfriend live with him despite how terrible she had been to him after she had already broken his heart the first time?
It had been midnight, and she had come to the pub with the boys at Sirius' request. Five-months had passed since the two adults–or Lily really–had decided to call it quits. Four-months had passed since Lily had first pinned James up against his door and kissed him until he was begging her for more, the fire ignited in him with a touch as his had always done to her which Lily was happy to help put out.
It had been four-months of the unspoken agreement between the pair of lovers. Four-months of being able to run her hands through James' messy black hair like she had missed and feel him kissing her, touching her in a way that made her feel vulnerable and out-of-control; in a way that made him hate himself for allowing it to go on. But she couldn't stop it when he made her feel so alive.
It was four-months where she had begun to realise that her feelings were no longer just those of attraction but also of love.
But it was different for him that night at the pub. He didn't banter playfully with her as he usually did, his eyes didn't hold the half-amused, half-fond look that Lily had become accustomed to. Instead of going to his flat like they had fallen into a habit of, he just walked her home.
"I can't do this anymore, Lily," he had said, frustratingly running a hand through his hair. She didn't know what he meant, or didn't want to if she were being honest.
"Do what?" she asked, dreading the response.
He looked at her with an expression of love and hatred. Although whether the latter was aimed at her or himself was a mystery to her.
"This, Evans," his voice was cold as he laughed bitterly. "Whatever this is, I can't anymore. I'm not the kind of guy who just wants a quick shag, and I deserve better than that–we both do." He sounded lost and hopeless.
And she was no better. "James," she was at a loss for what to say, what she could say. She contended herself with, "I'm sorry."
"Are you?" He watched her skeptically, "I wish I could believe you." He cast her a final look of longing before walking away from her.
She froze for a moment as she watched him walk away, her heart telling her to go after him. But when has Lily ever listened to her heart?
She walked inside her house and headed to her room as tears poured down her face. She loved him, but it wasn't enough when she wasn't willing to allow herself to be vulnerable with him. Because James was right, he did deserve better, and better wasn't Lily–not right now.
She had never meant to hurt him; she wished more than anything that she hadn't, but it was inevitable that she would love him–she just wished she had had better timing. She broke his heart, and he broke hers–even if it was accidentally–but isn't that how the best love stories begin, with sad smiles and broken hearts?
They hadn't spoken in a month, yet that didn't stop her from spending time with his–their–friends. If she were being honest, she couldn't help but be surprised that they were even speaking to her at this point.
"James doesn't want us to pick sides," Peter had told her after a third drink. "He doesn't want you to feel alone."
She wondered if he realised that she was already alone, being surrounded by people wouldn't change that. She was beginning to realise that there was no way for her to be the "good guy" in this scenario because even if she were no longer leading him on (at least to his eyes that's what it had been), James Potter would always be the "good guy" who wouldn't even let his friends pick a side in fear of them exiling her. Was it pathetic that it only made her love him more?
She hadn't realised James would be at the same pub that night, perhaps if she had she would have preferred to stay in her oblivious bubble for a bit longer.
She hadn't noticed him until the moment he stood in front of their table, his hand interlinked in hers. She was blonde with pretty brown eyes and stood taller than the average girl. Lily felt an uncomfortable knot in her stomach as she gazed at the pair of them together. She reckoned the girl could be a model and had Lily feeling as insignificant as Petunia often assured her she was. She could tell James was clearly enamored with the other girl if the way he was smiling and laughing with her were any indicators. He hadn't even noticed Lily yet. She scoffed innerly as she remembered how he used to claim that he could enter any room and know she was there because she made every room magical. She would laugh off his romantic beliefs, although secretly she adored them.
She was glad to see him laughing again. However envious she may be of the other girl, she had missed that laugh.
"You didn't tell me you guys were coming here tonight, Padfoot."
"You said you were busy tonight," Sirius voice was cautious, as if preparing for the worst. "I didn't see the point of inviting you," Sirius glanced at Lily briefly, finally alerting James to her presence.
His smile momentarily fell, his hazel eyes darting to his companion before turning back to look at her with a forced smile. "Hello, Evans."
Evans. She was Evans now. Not Lily, Lil, love, or other L-centered alliterations he would use for her that often had her giggling and kissing him briefly on the lips with a smile on her face. She was Evans, and she no longer mattered to him.
But he did matter to her.
"Hi, James." She could feel the tension coming from the other boys, yet it didn't stop her from asking, "Who's your friend?"
He stiffened, "This is Annalee." He tightened his hold on Annalee's hand nervously before responding, "She's my girlfriend."
She never wanted to be the desperate ex-girlfriend who acted as if her ex-boyfriend dating again was the end of the world, but no can have everything they want. It broke her heart to know that he had found someone to care about the way he had once cared about her–the way she still cared about him.
She watched as he excused them to find their own table. It broke her heart to see how he kissed Annalee as if she were a treasure, wrapped his arm around her as she snuggled closer to him in contentment, how he whispered in her ear in what seemed like a playful and gentle tone (surely telling her the puns that Lily adored).
Lily left early, knowing that she could no longer handle the sight of the two of them. Knowing that she loved him while he could barely stand to be in her presence.
What she didn't know was the look of longing that James sent her from his table while Annalee's head was buried in the crook of his neck. After all, it was easier to hate someone that hurt you than to admit to loving someone who once broke you.
"You love him." Sirius had confronted her later that week.
"Does it matter, Sirius?" It wasn't a denial, she wouldn't deny loving him, not to Sirius at least.
He watched her with pity, but he continued, "You can't tell him, Lily." He took her face in between his hands, wiping away the tears she hadn't realised had begun to fall down her face (although that was nothing new). "He's happier now than he's been since you broke his heart. Please don't ruin it for him."
She was speechless for a moment before an "okay" left her lips. Because she would do anything for James Potter. Even if it meant giving him up.
So...what do you think?