A/N Warning: goofiness and fluff ahead.
Incarceration for Beginners
Chapter 1: Imprisonment
Personally, Draco was of the opinion that the Ministry Holding Pen for in all Likelihood Guilty Criminal Criminals was really not that bad. Three times a day he had his meals bought to him (granted obviously the prison guards had not yet realised that most people preferred food at meal times rather than the congealed tar like substance they seemed to favour) and the orange jumpsuit he was wearing complimented his hair quite nicely (indeed the only annoyance he could find with the clothes provided was that he had had his underwear confiscated on arrival, and the material wasn't exactly the softest of affairs.)
Really, the only thing raining on what would otherwise probably be a quite pleasant incarceration was his cellmate, who had taken to alternating between letting out dramatic sighs and death threats.
"I am part of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, how is this going to look on my record?"
Draco sighed. "Granger, please, a little deviation from the norm is character building."
Hermione let out a feral growl from where she was perched on her foam bunk.
"Character building?" she snarled at him. "We. Are. In. Prison. And might I add that it's all your fault."
"My fault?" Draco yawned. "Yes, I suppose I should accept some of the blame. Only a complete idiot would hire a lawyer whose greatest achievement is managing to land both her client and herself in prison."
Hermione groaned, and curled herself up in a tight ball of depression.
"Now, now Granger," Malfoy drawled, feeling a little bit sorry for her. "We're only here for ten days, there's every possibility that we won't be sentenced to Azkaban."
She let out an even louder groan, evidently doing her best impression of a banshee.
"I guess it won't be… too horrible."
It was offensive that her tone didn't match her words, he was hardly the worst company in the world, despite their predicament he hadn't threatened to decapitate her and he had even given her the comfier of the two beds.
"That's the spirit," he deadpanned. "Ten more days and you'll never have to see this cell or me again."
This seemed to cheer her up a little, she slowly uncurled herself and sat up to regard him with weary tear stained eyes.
"Of course, it's entirely possible that we'll simply be moved to a new cell in Azkaban with friendly murderers and rapists to mingle with as we please." Draco shrugged, unable to resist goading her. Quite frankly she only had herself to blame, if she was going to make her reactions so amusing.
Never one to disappoint expectations Hermione angrily lobbed her pillow at him.
"I'm going to kill you," she said, sweetly.
Draco snorted. "I wouldn't recommend it, I expect it would work against you at our hearing in ten days."
"Or push the hearing forward," she shrugged. "Either way I would have the cell to myself."
Draco put a mocking hand over his heart as if touched, but Hermione didn't seem to have noticed, as he didn't feel any other object collide with his head.
"Why am I here? I didn't do anything to deserve this; I've always, always followed the rules to the letter. And what do I have to show for it? I'm sharing a cell that smells like urine with debauched conman."
Debauched conman? It seemed Hermione had a flair for the dramatic.
Draco arched an eyebrow. "Would you rather they have put the toilet elsewhere?"
Hermione simply scowled at him.
Draco just stretched.
"I'm sure that Shaklebolt will be back soon and clear this whole mess up," he said conversationally. "Need I remind you that neither of us actually did anything illegal."
"Yes, well that doesn't seem to have made much difference," she ground out bitterly.
It must be rather disheartening to experience first hand the major flaws in a system she had worked hard to ensure epitomised justice.
So, once again feeling sorry for her he said softly, "Well, look on the bright side."
"And what's that?" She demanded, hand on hip.
"Well… at least you won't have to walk far for the toilet in the night."
The look she gave him made Draco incredibly appreciative that their wands had been locked. Otherwise he would probably have found himself on the receiving end of a particularly nasty Reductor Curse. As it stood she simply got up and jammed the end of her wand into his leg before grabbing the pillow she had thrown at him and marching back to her bunk.
She made a show of facing the wall away from him.
Draco scowled at her dejected form, in no rush to engage in conversation with her any time soon. Let the miserable harpy seethe to herself in silence, at least he would be saved from a tongue lashing for a while.
He settled for gazing out of their barred window, rubbing his leg. Honestly, the woman had no sympathy for those who bruised like a peach.
These ten days were probably going to be the longest of his life.
Earlier that morning
Hermione was up to her ears in paperwork. The ridiculous amount of bureaucracy and the unwillingness of the department to file away paper in anything resembling an organised manner was going to be the death or her. One day they'd wander in and find her dead body underneath ten tonnes of paper.
Or not. They'd probably leave the paper and her body to rot.
"Oh, Merlin's beard." She cursed as she found a piece of pizza filed between report 12DO7665 and what looked like somebodies grocery list.
"So this is the glamorous life that the heroes of Hogwarts lead? You must be the envy of the population."
Hermione dropped the mouldy bit of pizza she was holding in surprise. She would recognise that mocking, pretentious voice anywhere. Oh how easy it would be to just curse him and bury the body…
"I believe you have the wrong floor Malfoy," Hermione said, continuing to sort out the papers cluttering her desk in what she hoped was a nonchalant fashion. "The Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes is the next level up, although I think you'll find that you're twenty years too late."
His silence to her remark disturbed her enough to cause her to stop fiddling with her desk and look up at him for the first time. He'd gotten taller, and his shoulders broader, but he was still as smartly dressed as ever, and on his face was a familiar smirk.
"My conception aside, would it be possible to have a word with you?"
Hermione regarded him. "No," she said curtly.
"Granger, I would really appreciate it if you could hear me out."
"Malfoy, that you defected from the Dark side just in the nick of time does not erase the six years of bullying you put me through," Hermione said tartly. "I think it better if we just lead our own separate lives."
His smirk simply widened. "Always so unflinchingly blunt."
"Goodbye, Malfoy," she sighed.
"Granger, I apologise for my actions at Hogwarts," he said immediately.
Her eyes flicked up to his face. His smirk was gone and his eyes were fixed firmly on hers, he looked sincere. But then he always had been a manipulative little-
"Just hear me out, and then if it pleases you, tell me to go and drown myself."
Hermione had to admit she was curious. What could Draco Malfoy possibly want from her? Of course that's what he would have been aiming for. He had always been good at reading people and would know that appealing to both her thirst for knowledge and her softer side was a sure fire way of getting what he wanted. But she was no longer the twelve year old girl who could be reduced to tears by his insults and words, she was now part of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and fully capable of putting him in his place should she need to. After all a friendly catch up between two enemies wasn't complete without castration.
So, begrudgingly she granted him, "Five minutes."
He nodded his head. "Thank you."
With a flick of her wand the papers covering her desk disappeared for later sorting and Hermione plopped herself down in her chair before regarding Malfoy warily. He chose not to sit down, instead removing his coat and folding it over his arm.
She clicked her tongue in annoyance.
"You object to my removing my clothes?" He smirked, suggestively, goading her.
"I object to time wasting," she corrected. "You have just under five minutes of my time and it'd be a shame to waste a further two seconds cursing you if it turned out you'd simply come here to lord it over me."
His expression sobered a little, but his eyes still sparkled with amusement.
Prevaricating jerk.
"Two seconds? Yes I suppose that is all it would take for you. Let's get straight to the point then. It has been bought to my attention that a certain well respected figure has been using house elves as test subjects for experimental potions."
Hermione frowned. "But that would be in direct violation of-"
"Paragraph three, subsection four of the Granger Act for the Equality of Magical Creatures." Malfoy smiled at her look of surprise. "Don't look so shocked, Granger. I'm a business man, it's my job to know the law."
"Makes finding loopholes a lot easier does it?" Hermione snarked.
"Incrementally so," he agreed, unashamed.
"Well you want the front desk," Hermione told him. "You can file a case there-"
"Although I'm sure that whatever I file will find it's way to the correct correspondent eventually." Malfoy's gaze shot down to the pizza Hermione had dropped. "I would prefer this to be resolved this decade."
Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Can't bare the thought of those poor house elves suffering?"
"It's… inhumane."
"And I suppose the discrediting of a rival business would be-"
"An entirely coincidental, yet welcome perk of my wish to see justice prevail," he finished, meeting her gaze levelly.
He was just trying to get her to do his dirty work. He'd always been smart, Hermione was under no illusion of this, she'd just never said so out loud, because when Malfoy was raised in conversation she could think of hundreds of adjectives she would use to describe him before intelligent. But here he was, knowing that if he just told her of the mistreatment of house-elves she wouldn't be able to turn a blind eye, that she would help. And in return his potions business would get a happy little boost.
"You probably have a whole team of lawyers, Malfoy, why come here? Why come to me?"
For the first time he looked shocked at her question. "I thought it would be obvious, Granger."
"Obviously not," Hermione replied.
"I like having the best for my business. And who better to represent me than the very witch responsible for writing the law in question."
Hermione repeatedly tried to convince herself that the reason why she agreed to take on Malfoy's case was in fact because if she did refer him to another lawyer the case would get lost in bureaucracy for goodness knew how long, and she wasn't going to let innocent house-elves suffer in the process. The fact that Malfoy had called her the best was ego boosting but irrelevant.
"Borage's Bubbling Cauldron?" Hermione squeaked, regarding the destination they had just Apparated to in awe. "As in Libatius Borage's grandson?"
Malfoy smoothed out his coat. "The very same."
Borage's Bubbling Cauldron was the potions company. St Mungo's ordered all their antidotes from Borage's, Hermione herself had ploughed through several of the books written by the company, and their research centre was world renowned. Just last year they had managed to modify the Skele-Gro potion to taste like pumpkin juice instead of hippogriff puke.
"But they're huge investors in the Ministry," Hermione snarled angrily. "How could no one have known?"
Draco raised his eyebrows at her.
"Oh come of it," she snapped. "Of course nobody knows, in fact I don't even know if it's true yet."
Malfoy shook his head softly. "Just because you are incorruptible Granger, don't be blind to others greed. Money is a great motivator."
"You're speaking to someone heavily involved in the law Malfoy, don't patronise me, I am fully aware of what people will do for money."
"Don't be deliberately blind then," he countered, unfazed. "The Ministry was thoroughly corrupt, don't think that has changed in three years."
"Let's just go in shall we?" Hermione growled.
They walked through the large golden entrance, shaped like a cauldron, and straight to the front desk.
"Good morning," Hermione said politely to the witch on duty. "I'm Hermione Granger, Department of Magical Law Enforcement. I was wondering if I would be able to look at your testing centre?"
To Hermione's great surprise, the witch smiled before saying. "Of course, Borage's Bubbling Cauldron is always happy to accommodate Ministry personnel, you'll want the third floor, let me know if I can be of any more help."
"That was strange," Hermione whispered to Malfoy, as they crossed the atrium to the lifts. "In my experience it is usually the manager or company owner who is called to deal with legal representation, that a receptionist allowed us access to walk around the company? She didn't even ask for proof of identification."
"You do yourself a disservice," Malfoy muttered back. "You really are quite famous. But I agree it's very odd. Perhaps they don't think we'll find anything?"
"Maybe…"
But Malfoy couldn't have been more wrong, they had barely stepped out of the lift when they were confronted with the site of wizards and witches with clipboards feeding all manners of concoctions to willing house elves.
"And do you still have feeling in your right big toe?" asked the nearest wizard.
"Oh yes, sir!" squeaked the house-elf he was addressing, who despite having turned green and sprouted wings seemed perfectly happy to be of service.
"Good, good…" And the wizard began scribbling away on a clipboard.
"This is barbaric," spat Hermione.
Draco also looked disgusted, his eyes fixed on a house-elf cowering in the corner, writhing silently in pain.
They made their way further in, towards the centre of the room where a huge industrial sized cauldron sat.
"What do you think that potion is meant to do?" Hermione asked, leaning over the cauldron.
Draco's eyes widened. "That's- that's my potion."
"What?" squeaked Hermione in confusion. "They've stolen your potion?"
"It was a dud, didn't work properly, I can't see why they'd bother unless-"
Malfoy's eyes narrowed in understanding. "Hermione, let's go. Now."
She was too shocked to wonder at his using her first name, he'd obviously realised something she hadn't.
"But, why?"
She didn't have to wait long to find out. Within seconds of her uttering the words the doors to the lift pinged open and no less that ten Ministry wizards stepped out. They strode over to where Hermione and Malfoy stood.
"Draco Malfoy, you're under arrest for breaking-"
"-Paragraph three, subsection four of the Granger Act for the Equality of Magical Creatures?" Malfoy finished dryly.
The Ministry wizard seemed stumped for a moment. "Err… yes, exactly. So, we will have to request that you surrender your wand."
"What? No there's been a mistake," Hermione explained. "We've been set up, Malfoy isn't responsible for this-"
"Step aside please little girl, you're interfering with Ministry business."
Hermione froze. Little girl? Who did this absolute buffoon think he was?
"Little girl?" Hermione growled dangerously. "Little girl? I'll have you know that it was I who wrote the law you are accusing Mr Malfoy of breaking, and if you would stop for two seconds and actually think about the situation at hand you would realise that this is obviously a set up. Why would Mr Malfoy allow a rival potions company to test his potion for him? Of course that would give them the opportunity to try and do one on him. This is clearly the work of Borage's"
The Ministry wizard exchanged looks with his colleagues before nodding.
Hermione let out a sigh of relief. Obviously they'd seen sense.
"You seem to know far to much of Mr Malfoy's plan not to be involved," the Ministry wizard said. "You're also under arrest for collaborating with the breaking of-"
""-Paragraph three, subsection four of the Granger Act for the Equality of Magical Creatures. You request that I surrender my wand. Got it." Hermione sighed. Really there was no arguing with such stupidity.
They were Apparated to the Minister of Magic's office.
"Why are you bringing us here?" Hermione asked. "This isn't proper procedure at all."
But no one acknowledged her. Hermione was at least comforted to realise that Kingsley Shacklebolt would soon see reason and send them on their merry way, hopefully turning a blind eye to what Hermione was going to do to the Ministry wizards who had bought them here when she got her wand back.
Only… Kingsley Shacklebolt was away on Ministry business, which unfortunately for Draco and Hermione meant the pleasure of deciding their fate lay with the Minister's council. Made up of those skilled enough to be there, and those with enough money to buy their way in. Borage happened to be on the council.
"Hermione Granger, due to your disregard for the law resulting in the mutating and colour changing of dozens of innocent house-elves, I am hereby sentencing you to the Ministry's Holding Pen for in all Likelihood Guilty Criminal Criminals. You will remain there for ten days, after which time you will attend a hearing where it will be decided if you should be moved to Azkaban prison."
Unfazed by Hermione's withering scowl, the old bat responsible for this serious miscarriage of justice continued. "Draco Malfoy, due to your disregard-"
"Snap, I got it." Malfoy replied, airily.
"And you understand the conditions of your arrest?" the same old man asked them
"Yes," said Malfoy politely. "We understand that our arrest is due to widespread corruption through out the Ministry, and a wish to continue the steady flow of money that that man." Malfoy pointed to Borage. "ensures falls into the Ministries highly incapable hands every month. We also understand that these conditions are completely fair, and not the result of bias or favouritism."
Hermione groaned and would have kicked him if she didn't think it would work against her.
The old man's eyes narrowed. "Your insolence does nothing to help your case."
"Yes, well I'm at a bit of a loss as to what will," Draco continued, his voice steady. "Innocence doesn't seem to have worked in our favour either."
He was clearly livid. Hermione knew enough of Draco to know that the angrier he got, the more eloquent he was.
"Malfoy," Hermione hissed in warning.
"What?" he questioned, never once taking his eyes off the council in front of him. "Are you saying I shouldn't tell the truth in a court of law? It's hardly my fault that this room demands that I not lie and tell the council that I think they're a bunch of bigoted old farts who emit an aura of idiocy."
"Take them away," the old man snarled.
Hermione bowed her head in despair as the guards made their way forward and took hold of her arms.
"What in Merlin's name were you thinking Malfoy?"
"The council aren't all that powerful, Granger." He seemed to be taking their arrest extremely well. "As soon as the Minister gets back this mess will be cleared up and you can return to filing pizza in its correct place."
"We're going to prison," Hermione hissed.
"No, we're going to the holding area," he corrected. "We're only going to prison if we're found guilty at our hearing."
It was a good thing they were split up then because Hermione had never been closer to killing someone in her life. The guard responsible from her held onto her arm tightly and Apparated without warning, Hermione found herself in a dark dingy room with no doors but what looked suspiciously like a two way mirror.
He conjured up a foul, crusty orange piece of material.
He handed it to her expectantly.
"You expect me to wear this?" Hermione asked, appalled.
The man simply nodded.
"Has it even been washed since it's last owner used it?" She questioned, eyeing a particularly nasty stain by the crotch area.
Her guard shrugged. It was of no importance to him.
"Fine," she snapped. "Where do I get changed?" She looked around the plain room hopefully.
"Anywhere you like," her guard said, smiling for the first time.
Hermione paled. "Are you at least going to close your eyes?"
Her guard shook his head.
Angrily Hermione started pulling off her robes as quickly as possible. He wasn't going to get a good look at anything if she could help it. She began to step into the jumpsuit when the guard once again interjected.
"You'll need to take those off too."
Hermione felt herself go red, and angrily she pulled off her knickers and bra, throwing them at her feet.
"Pervert," she muttered.
Annoyed at the whole human race in general, Hermione stood with her arms folded, as once again her guard took her arm and they Apparated. This time into an area that looked significantly more like a Muggle Prison.
Here they bagged her belongings in plastic bags and returned her wand to her.
Hermione beamed.
"Don't get to excited. It's locked and for all intents and purposes useless."
The smile slide off of her face.
"Lucky for you, however, we only have one cell left. Looks like you'll be sharing with your friend," her guard continued.
Hermione groaned. "Are you sure there's not a spare bed in a cell with a murderer?"
"Well there is one other bed available."
Hermione brightened. "Where's that?"
"It's in a cell with a cannibal. I can make the arrangement if you'd prefer?"
And so, dejectedly, Hermione allowed herself to be led to her home for the next ten days, pointedly ignoring the crude requests the other prisoners shouted at her.
Malfoy was already there, slumped on his bed looking as if this was merely a slight inconvenience to him. Hermione wished she had his calm, she was two seconds away from punching someone, and then crying.
The guard gave her a light push into the cell, and with a wish that she have a "happy incarceration," he clanged the bars shut behind her and disappeared.
"Did they take your underwear as well?" Malfoy asked, sullenly.
"I- you-" Hermione spat angrily. "Leave me alone."
"Ahh come on Granger, think of this as a holiday you don't have to pay for. We even have a lovely view."
Hermione chanced a look outside, in any other situation she would have delighted at the soft countryside, complete with a lake and forest.
"What a horrible attempt at reminding us of all we're missing by being stuck in here," she sulked.
"And there was me thinking you were an optimist."
"We could be stuck in here for years Malfoy. And oh God, when my parents find out."
"We're unlikely to be stuck in here for years."
But Hermione didn't want to listen to reason. She wanted to have a good long wallow for a while, so she climbed upon the bed opposite Malfoy, faced the wall and curled her knees up to her chest.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
And he sounded it too.
Hermione squeezed her eyes shut. It really was going to be a long, long, ten days.