The sound of blood rushing through the ears - Sakura didn't know whether she hated that she was getting used to that sound or if she was glad for it. But with the frigid bite in the early morning's wind, she welcomed the warmth her state of heightened acceleration brought. Her breath left in pale white clouds as she reached the top of the Hokage monument. Her hands dropped and head tipped back in disappointment as there was no sign of him here either.
"Damn it," she muttered and then leant forward to put her hands on her knees.
A sharp buzz echoed in her ear. "Report!"
"Nothing yet," came her reply.
Then there was what resembled the end of a sigh as the line came in again. "Keep looking."
Tsunade had deployed a group of ninja to check the outer perimeter of the village, and every roof top, bath house, branch, dock, and special site for Hatake Kakashi. He had gone out alone for an assignment and, after two weeks, Pakkun arrived in the middle of the night with a message. Things had gone sour - as he put it - and Kakashi was escaping. When the squad reported that he was no longer at his last given coordinates, Tsunade wanted to cover all the angles.
Which was why Sakura was up before dawn, with the other lucky chosen ones, scouting the entire village. Remembering a moment from a year or so ago, she continued across the top of the monument and disappeared into the surrounding forestry. A few meters away was what someone could consider a picnic area. There was a rock pit, large enough for a medium fire and an array of stones used for sitting that surrounded it. She, Naruto, and Kakashi had spent a night there once before - but it was empty now.
She didn't know where else to look. From all of the other reports he wasn't at any of the bath houses, the cenotaph, the training grounds, and he certainly wasn't at the hospital. The docks were only accompanied by boats and fishermen. The Academy, the bookstore, and every back alley was void of the masked nin.
Kakashi, where are you?
She almost felt like screaming the question out at the top of her lungs, then maybe - just maybe - he'd hear her and answer.
What kind of state was he in? How badly injured was he? Various scenarios were conjured up in her mind as answers, and each one only made her feel worse. She had to find him. So she decided to double-back and comb the area again. The squad that was sent to retrieve him didn't find him, they didn't cross his path at all while reaching his coordinates. He was too skilled to let the enemy capture him without leaving any kind of clue or message. He had to have stumbled back into the village.
Her chakra-laden feet moving on auto-pilot, she ran down the side of the monument and took to the rooftops. Her eyes darted from side to side, looking for anything that she might have missed the first time around. Her nose was open to any scent, her body open to any other sign of chakra. She ran up the side of one building to the top and then flipped off it backwards to reach the top of an adjoining one. She turned to continue running when a patch of something on the ground caught her eye. She jumped onto the dirt road below and knelt down. The pool of crimson shocked her and caused her heart to jump higher in her chest.
She looked up across the street and sighed. His apartment building.
With a purse of her lips, she walked up the fire escape, the metal barely ringing out beneath her steps. Reaching his floor, she jumped off of the escape and, using chakra, was able to balance on the fat outer windowsill. She crossed three rooms this way until she came to the corner one - his apartment. She bent over and cupped her hand to the glass, peering in. It was dark, save for one lamp that was always left on. Inside was still, too still, and it unsettled her. She was sure he was in there. And then, she saw it; it was just the slightest of movement, but it was still very noticeable. At this point, Sakura wasn't sure if she had really seen something move or if the desire to see him there just made her believe she saw it. That tiny flicker of something was the only push she needed.
She lifted his window and stepped inside, holding her breath as her feet found the ground. More crimson and dirt was tracked across the otherwise pristine wooden floor. She slowly moved around his bed - left perfectly made up and untouched - and froze when she saw him.
Sitting on the floor, an arm draped over his middle as the other laid at his side was Kakashi. One leg was bent at the knee, the other straight out, his zori caked in mud. His face was turned into the corner of the wall. She couldn't tell the extent of his injuries, but the subtle rise and fall of his chest let her know that he was alive. He didn't move, not a single budge or suggestion that he was even aware of her presence.
She took a slow, careful step forward, not wanting to alarm him, and called out his name in a quiet voice.
His head lolled to the other side and his one visible eye was wet and glistened in the dim light. He didn't say a word to her and the silence was stifling.
She took another step forward, and then another, and then stopped as a sound rose from him. She wasn't sure if it was meant as a warning, but she treated it as such. She had seen the great Copy Nin in many situations, but this... A wild beast had the potential to be the deadliest when it was wounded, and she had never seen him look as dangerous - or as fragile - as he did right now.
Her heart pounded, a trembling staccato deep in her chest, as she stepped closer. "Kakashi, let me help you."
His reply came, a short breathy order. "Leave."
"I can't."
Not looking for an argument, he sighed and turned his head away from her. "Yes, you can."
"I won't," she declared in a voice that sounded much more sure than she actually was.
There was a hiss of static as her radio came to life. "Anything yet, Haruno?"
Kakashi was watching her again as she lifted her hand to the button. "Still nothing," she replied, eyes locked on him.
"Damn it! Keep searching!" Tsunade yelled.
Sakura pulled the radio from her pocket and then unclasped the ear piece. She separated the microphone, turned it off, and tossed all the components onto his bed. She took another step closer and he was finally within arm's reach. His gaze was still locked on hers as she slowly lowered herself down to his level.
"Please." She tried again. "Let me help you."
He closed his eyes and leant his head back, his silent 'go-ahead' all she needed. She pulled open his flak jacket and moved his arm from his mid-section. There was so much blood that she was momentarily shaken.
"Okay... um... I'm going to use my chakra to numb the area, make sure you don't have any debris in the wound, and then-"
"Don't waste your chakra like that, just do what needs to be done. After what I've been through... it'll be nothing."
She looked up to him, but he wasn't looking at her, in fact the look in his eye placed him somewhere far away. What had happened to him to make him this way? As if the heat from her gaze pulled him back to this reality, he gave her a pointed look. "I thought you wanted to help." The last word punctuated with some kind of dark sarcasm snapped her into medic mode and she set her hands on his abdomen, summoning her chakra.
He was surprisingly cooperative after that and the impromptu abdominal surgery was completed in no time. The muscle and tissue mended beneath her skilled hands and it was a far more attractive alternative to stitches. Never once did he complain about the pain, but glancing up at him and the sweat that trickled down the side of his pallid face, she knew that he had suffered.
"Where else are you hurt?" she asked.
He scoffed in reply. "Everywhere. Nowhere."
"Your head? Your Sharingan?"
"It's not mine," he mumbled.
Determined, she lifted her hands to his face, her fingertips gently brushing against his cheeks. She pressed him to look at her and the dampness surrounding the hitai-ate around his left eye was cause for concern.
The way her brows knit and her lips trembled as they parted, Kakashi knew she was worried.
Her palms, so warm and comforting, flattened against his cheeks. "Oh, Kakashi..."
She raised her fingers to lift the hitai-ate, but he brought his hand up and stopped her. "Not now."
"But-"
His grip tightened around her wrist. "Just not now... Sakura..." Please
"What happened to you?"
His jaw clenched. "You've been there when a mission has gone wrong before. You know what happens."
She had always been weak when it came to holding in how she felt, and she couldn't stop herself now from snapping. "Why won't you talk to me? You think I'm going to report you in? If I was I would've done it already! I'm not some psychologist here to evaluate you! I'm your friend and I'm -" Realizing she had practically been screaming at him, she paused to try to calm herself. If only he was more like Naruto, then she could just use her fists to get him to open up.
"I've faced unfavorable odds countless times," he began, voice low. "I've... been prepared to die. I've even thought to myself before, 'this is it, this is how I'm going to go out' and yet... I'm still here."
Sakura looked up to him, but he wasn't looking at her. His eye was closed and his head rested against the wall. He tugged at his mask, loosening it, but not pulling it down. His chest began to rise and fall more rapidly as he began to gasp for breath.
Alarmed, Sakura reached for his shoulder and squeezed it. "Kakashi?"
"Why am I still here? Everything I had has been taken from me... and... and I've tried to atone, to move forward and fix those wrongs that I've done, but-" A heavy sob racked his frame and his grip, still cuffing her wrist, tightened again so she scooted closer, placing a hand over his.
"It's never enough! Are the sins I've committed so great that they can never be fogiven? Am I still here... because it's my punishment? I should've died - so many times..."
Sakura's chin quivered at hearing him speak like this; he had never opened up so fully to her before. And all those times she wished he would just tell her something more and now it was like her heart was breaking under the weight of what little he had confessed. She couldn't even imagine how heavy it was on his own heart. She moved herself beside him and gently put her free arm around his shoulder.
He leaned into her embrace, letting go of her wrist to grab hold of her shirt. He clenched the material in his hands, clung to her as if she were a golden lifeline. Sakura didn't know what else to do as his tears came except for wrapping her arms even tighter around him. Her fingers combed delicately through his hair stained with blood and dirt, using actions to soothe him rather than words. Because really, what could she say?
She didn't know how long it had been before the tears stopped and his deep steady breath came. But she continued to sit there, allowing him to sleep against her, cradled in her arms. Tsunade was probably going to have her ass, but she'd cross that bridge when she got to it she supposed. Besides, now in his tiny apartment, tired and warm, all she felt like doing was closing her eyes.