This story has major selfharm and depression tones. I hope you like it and don't hesitate to comment!
Please don't read this if selfharm and depression are triggers for you!
Emeralda had been traveling with The Doctor for a while. During that time, they had saved planets, races, galaxies, and defeated enemies and monsters. However, even after all of that, Emeralda still couldn't work up enough courage to tell The Doctor about the monsters that dwelled within her.
Apparently Emeralda had been staring at the wall of the TARDIS consumed by her own thoughts because The Doctor looked at her with his hands on his hips "Oi! Are you listening? I am being impressive!"
Emeralda snapped out of her haze and looked at him "Yeah," she said dismissively, "That's my Doctor, always so impressive." She started walking away and said without turning around, "I think I'm going to take a shower. I'll see you after, Yeah?"
"I'll be here," The Doctor replied happily.
Emeralda walked through her room to the bathroom attached to it and stared at herself in the mirror. She was disgusted with what was staring back at her. It looked like herself except its eyes were black, its face angry, and its hands shaking. Emeralda started slowly taking off her clothes to get in the shower, but when she looked back in the mirror, the thing in the mirror had scars all over its body especially its wrists, shoulders, thighs, and stomach. Emeralda instinctively grabbed the blade that she hid in the back of the bottom drawer of the cabinet by the sink and stepped into the shower. She turned on the hot water and stood under the stream. Now she was alone with her thoughts. Closing her eyes, she let the pain, depression, anger, and anxiety overwhelm her. Slowly, Emeralda took the blade to her forearms. Starting with the left, she dragged the sharp edge down from her wrist to her elbow and did the same to the right. She watched the blood flow from her arm, dripping onto the tiled floor of the shower. After standing under the water for a little while longer, Emeralda turned off the water and stepped out. She dried herself off, accidently getting blood on the towel. She realized her arms were still bleeding and took out some gauze to wrap around the wounds. After picking out a long sleeved deep blue jumper and some black sweatpants, she dressed and walked back out to the TARDIS console room.
"Hello Doctor," she said lazily as she sat down on a seat along the edge of the room.
"Hello Emeralda," The Doctor said cheerily, "Nice shower?"
"Yeah thanks," She replied.
The Doctors upbeat attitude immediately turned to concern as he noticed how nonchalantly she answered, as if her mind and thoughts were somewhere else and her responses were almost mechanical.
"Emeralda are you feeling all right?" The Doctor asked, his voice laced with worry.
"Yeah why do you ask?" she replied nervously.
"Well since you came back from your shower you seem distant, isolated, and somewhat on edge. And now that I look at you, you look quite pale as well."
Just as soon as The Doctor had said that, Emeralda slumped off her chair onto the floor of the console room.
"Emeralda!" The Doctor cried. He rushed over to her, his sonic already out, and started scanning her body. "God what happened?" He carefully picked her up, carrying her to the med bay on the TARDIS. He laid her down on the bed and started scanning again, this time more thoroughly. The Doctor's sonic screwdriver went off once more and picked up signs of cuts and scars on her arms, stomach, and thighs. He quickly took off Emeralda's shirt, only to find that his sonic screwdriver had, unfortunately, been right. Her arms were wrapped in gauze, quite messily he might add, and there were red, raised scars on her shoulders.
"Oh Em," The Doctor said quietly, "What have you done?"
He carefully unwrapped her arms and gasped at the sight that greeted him. On each arm was a long, deep cut, still bleeding.
Emeralda started stirring and The Doctor leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Don't worry Em, I'm going to take care of you." He gently caressed her cheek and then quickly got to work.
The Doctor whispered to her as he treated her wounds. "I'm sorry Em, this will hurt but just bear with me, Love." He wiped her cuts with a disinfectant and she winced visibly. He then started stitching her arm and she screamed in pain and started thrashing wildly on the bed that The Doctor had set her on. "I'm sorry Em," He said while holding her down and continuing to stitch, "I'm so so sorry." He looked up at her face and immediately regretted his decision.
Tears were streaming down her face and she was sobbing, "Please Doctor, please stop. It hurts. Doctor please."
He started on the other arm and tried to keep Emeralda calm. "Shh," he soothed, "just breathe, Love, it will all be okay. It will be over soon I promise."
By the time The Doctor finished, Emeralda's face was tear stained and contorted in agony. She was still somewhat out of it from blood loss. "Okay," The Doctor said softly, "I'm going to give you something to make you sleep now that the worst of it is fixed. We'll talk when you wake up." He injected Emeralda with a clear liquid and she immediately felt herself slipping into sleep.
"mm sry." She slurred.
"Shh," The Doctor shushed her, gently kissing her forehead, "Sleep now, talk later." He washed off the blood from her arms and wrapped them in new gauze and looked at her with concern and confusion. What had happened?
Emeralda woke up in a panic. God. The Doctor saw it. She hurried out of bed but only managed to trip over herself and fall to the ground. She cursed and got up as quickly as she could and ran out into the hallway of the TARDIS and, just her luck, ran directly into The Doctor.
"You shouldn't be out of bed," he said sternly, "Jesus you look pale again. Do you feel dizzy?"
"No, I'm fine," she assured him while slowly sliding down the wall of the TARDIS.
"Right, sure you are," He said in that sarcastic but caring way that only he could, "Back to bed." He picked her up and carried her back to the bed in the medbay.
All while she was being carried, Emeralda tried to wriggle out of The Doctor's grasp and get away, but he only held her tighter. "Em will you stop struggling?" he said exasperated, "I'm trying to help you."
"Well you can't!" she all but cried, "You can't help me. Nobody can!"
The Doctor's hold on her loosened from the shock of her yelling. He looked at her surprised, confused, and most importantly worried. "Em?" he asked.
"Just don't. okay?" she cried, "nobody cares and no one can help me." She ran to her room and slammed the door, locking it behind her. Sliding down the door she sobbed, her breaths coming short and sharp. She was vaguely aware of The Doctor knocking persistently on her door.
"Emeralda please open the door," he begged, "Please just let me help you."
She tried to answer but no words came out of her mouth. Only sobs and ragged breaths. She felt like the room was closing in on her and she could hardly breathe.
The Doctor could hear her breathing increase and knew that she would start hyperventilating if she didn't calm down soon.
Emeralda clawed at her wrists, trying to rip the gauze off. She couldn't believe she could be so stupid. The Doctor saw her and now he probably thinks she is unstable and will probably take her back home. She felt her breath leave her and she couldn't form a complete thought anymore.
The Doctor wasn't going to wait any longer. He took out his Sonic Screwdriver and unlocked the door, finding Emeralda lying on the floor crying and hyperventilating. He sat down and cradled her head in his hands, holding her against him and speaking softly. "shh. Em it's okay just breathe. Deep breaths for me love. C'mon deep breaths. Shh that's it."
She tried to calm down as much as she could and ended up in a coughing fit. "Oh Em," The Doctor soothed, "it's okay sweetheart. Please just breathe for me."
Emeralda started taking shallow breaths, but breaths nonetheless, and she felt The Doctors hand stroking her hair in a calming motion. "Darling, please tell me what happened."
Emeralda sighed and whispered hoarsely. "Doctor im so sorry. It's all my fault, im so so sorry," She started to cry again.
The Doctor held her closer and said sternly, "Don't ever say it is your fault. Nothing that happens, whether on the TARDIS or off, is your fault."
She sat up and looked at him. "You don't understand." She said quietly.
"Emeralda please-"
"No," She cut him off. Shaking now and trying, but failing, to keep her voice level. "You don't understand! No one ever understands! That's why we are in this bloody mess!" She sobbed and tried to get up and run away like she usually did when someone tried to talk to her about this. The Doctor grabbed her hand and looked at her, his face almost sorrowful. "I don't need your pity." She spat at him.
"No," He said calmly, "But you do need my help." He noticed her breathing becoming shallow again and begged her to calm down before she passed out but he told her too late, for she had collapsed in his arms again.
When Emeralda woke up, she noticed that she was in a bed but not her bed or the medbay. There was also someone holding her hand. "Doctor?" she said hoarsely. She felt the bed dip and the hand move from her hand to stroke her hair instead.
"Emeralda you're awake," The Doctor said sounding relieved, "please don't worry yourself into unconsciousness again."
She sighed but nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The Doctor asked quietly.
"Not particularly. But I don't want you stuck wondering what the fuck is wrong with her. Although you will quite possibly still think that by the time im done telling you."
"Oh Em, I would never think that. Please just explain what is going on."
Emeralda sighed and told him. Everything. She told him how she was the odd one in her family, how she was a target for bullying, how she always fucked up everything, how she thought her body was disgusting, and how she didn't have any friends. She told him how she blamed herself for everything and so she cut because, well, killing herself wouldn't be punishment enough. By the end, she was begging The Doctor not to take her home.
The Doctor was speechless (for once in his life) and just moved closer to Emeralda and held her. Finally he spoke. "Em, you don't fuck up everything. Just look at all the planets and civilizations we have helped and saved. Don't you ever say that you are disgusting. To me, you are perfect. Like a goddess sculpted from the finest marble the universe can provide. You are not odd or strange. You are just a kind of extraordinary that doesn't belong on Earth, which is why you are home. With me, among the stars."
Emeralda couldn't form a single thought because she was sobbing from what The Doctor had said.
"Darling, this probably isn't the most ideal moment to say this, but I love you. I love your quirks and your personality and your caring nature. I love your voice and your smile and your eyes and nothing that you just said changes any of those feelings I have for you." He kissed the top of her head and smiled at her.
Emeralda could only think of four words to say. "I love you too."
Again, thank you for reading and don't hesitate to comment :)