This is a one shot which continues the reaction shot between Jac and Jonny. Hopefully it's ok and I apologise for any random grammar / spelling - I do try to proof read but I tend to fail epically at it. As usually I love reviews :)
She couldn't process it. She didn't want to process it. Tara Lo was young, a newly wed with an entire life ahead of her. Just yesterday she'd been a bride, a beautiful bride standing before the man she loved promising a life together. They had deserved that; a future. They deserved days of waking up together, nights falling asleep in each-others arms. They had deserved years ahead of them; the day in which their first child was placed in her arms, the picking of a name and watching that child grow. It was a future cruelly snatched away, stolen from the young, the unbroken, the deserving.
"That's not funny" She whispered, voice shaking but she knew he wouldn't. He wouldn't joke, not about this. Hadn't it crossed her mind earlier in the day? That she'd never own the young doctor again, never boss her around but while being quietly proud of the progress she made. Had she ever told the girl this? She wondered, knowing all the while that she hadn't. She was sparse with her praise but heavy handed with her barbs. It made you stronger she'd reasoned, but now the doctor was gone and would never know her value, her worth. She'd never know that she had made her mentor proud.
"She's died" he repeated, trying to sound stronger than he felt. It was cruel and it tore his heart a little. She turned her head away from him, trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes. She didn't want him to see her cry, but her emotions seemed to be running away with her. She couldn't seem to control them, despite biting down on her lip and trying to breath slowly and steadily. She was used in injustice, patients who died despite being good people and those who survived despite having done terrible things. But usually she could push passed it, it was her job and there was no room for emotions in surgery. But those were just patients. This was someone she knew. Someone she liked, though she would never had admitted that to the doctor.
"She can't" Jac whispered. She glanced down at the magazine in her hands, the glossy photos of beautiful brides. Women who probably spent thousands and thousands on their wedding. Women with futures ahead of them; full of hopes and dreams. The young doctor's wedding had none of the glamour of those weddings; and yet it was equally as perfect, if not more. It was simple and elegant and it suited the couple. It was a moment of beauty in a time of pain and uncertainty. It had seemed like a good omen; the happiness and the hope. How could it change so quickly to pain and tragedy?
"We knew it was a possibility" Jonny's voice was hoarse and he didn't bother trying to disguise it. He didn't care if she saw his emotions which were painfully raw and close to the surface. She blinked a little and turned back to him, he saw the tears glistening in her eyes, the way she was fighting hard against them.
"A possibility yes but" she paused. It had been more than a possibility. There were words left unspoken between colleagues that day, words filled with a reality they didn't want to face. Instead they chose blind hope, faith in a surgeon to pull off a miracle. Even with her clinical mind, she had felt the same hope.
"one we didn't want to face" he finished off her sentence, and she gave him the tiniest hint of a smile. A brief connection between them. He stepped a little closer to her, and he noticed the magazine in her hands shaking. He settled himself down next to her, a little bit cautious but he tried not to let it show in his face.
"It's not fair" she spoke so quietly, that he wasn't even sure she'd meant to say the words aloud. She shook her head slightly. The reality hitting her slightly more, she'd never see the doctor again on the ward. Never hear her talking to a patient, in that reassuring way she had; a bedside manner that patients appreciated.
"No it isn't" he confirmed gently. He knew that life wasn't fair. Life within the world of transplants confirmed that. People waiting for organs that often didn't become available, people waiting on the death of another person; someone who would give them the gift of life. She knew the reality too, but sometimes life felt even less fair than normal. Like when a young man lost his wife. A young man she liked, who deserved some joy in his life.
"Why her? She didn't do anything wrong" She asked, her voice sounding higher, more irrational. He reached for her, taking the magazine from her hands before holding them within his own. She flinched a little at his touch but she didn't pull her hands away. He studied her face, and he knew she was close to cracking.
"It isn't fair but we all knew it could happen" he answered, watching as she blinked rapidly, a single tear escaping from her eyes. She sighed, there was a world of difference between knowing and accepting. You could know something perfectly; the reality of a diagnosis, the feelings in your heart but despite this you don't have to accept it; you don't have to accept that the diagnosis is terminal and you can deny that you love someone.
"She had so much to give" her voice was soft, but there was something in it that confirmed her acceptance. She knew, she'd referred to her colleague in the past tense; because that was the grim reality though it felt wrong.
"and she still will" he whispered, and she creased her brow confused. She swallowed hard, she felt raw and broken but she needed to stay strong. The doctor wasn't hers to grieve for. She'd given the doctor such a hard time, that she barely deserved to grieve for her.
"How Jonny? She's dead, gone" her words were low and filled with a sadness. Another tear slipped down her cheek. He squeezed her hands in his own, and swallowed hard, the words broke him. The finality of those words. They didn't fit with the bright vibrant young women he'd spoken to earlier.
"Her organs will save lives, she'll give lives" tears slipped down his cheeks and he was unashamed. He swallowed harder, his emotions tearing him apart. "She always said, she became a doctor because she wanted to save one life, well we'll give her, her wish. She will save lives" she felt the sob as it was torn from her throat, it was a primal sob that racked her body. The tears fell from her eyes, and she looked up in to his eyes, knowing that his emotions matched her own. That elsewhere in the hospital, others felt as they did. Grieving a young life.
"Hold me" she whispered. She needed to be held. She needed him in that moment. He swallowed but he let go of her hands, allowing her to collapse against his chest, her tears soaking in to his uniform top. He held the sobbing consultant in his arms, his own tears falling on to her hair.
The pair of them stayed like it. Two individuals holding on to each other for dear life, needing each other. She couldn't remember the last time she'd broken down, the last time someone had comforted her, or she'd allowed them to comfort her. He kissed the top of her head, holding her tightly. He didn't want to let her go. If he let her go, he couldn't be sure that she wouldn't disappear and leave him.
"Don't let me go" she whispered in to his chest. Her arms wrapped around him, holding his body against hers. Her body was racked with sobs, and she felt drained and exhausted; she could feel that he was the same. She looked up at him, eyes shining and red matching his own. She rested her head on his shoulder, his face coming down towards hers, their tears mingling together. "Please don't let me go"
"Never" he whispered in response. She needed him as much as he needed her. He closed his eyes, his face rested against hers. The younger couple had made similar promises. Promises of a future shared; of love and happiness. Life, they knew, wasn't quite like that. But in that moment the promise of forever was needed. The safety of the arms of the one you loved; of support and shared grief. The promise to keep holding on; to never let go of what you had; and in some ways he knew that they wouldn't. Because it wasn't the physical, it was the love contained within the heart; and that he knew they would never let go off. That it was that love that would have to sustain the young doctor; that it would be that love that he clung on to. But for now, they had both and he never wanted to let go; and nor did she.