A/N: This turned out to be much (five times) longer than I intended, but I think it was worth it. It's mostly season two, but there are things from the other seasons as well. I couldn't have written this without the help of my sister, so thanks, sis! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this :)
Warning: There is some crack, especially regarding the weapons. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Once upon a time, far away, there was a small queendom called Buffonia. The queendom of Buffonia was ruled by the benevolent Queen Joyce. Queen Joyce was as wise as she was kind, and everybody loved her and her peaceful ways. The townspeople were happy under Queen Joyce's reign. There was plentiful food and water, and everyone helped one another out of the goodness of their hearts. Yes, Buffonia was a wonderful place to live.
The lovely and gentle Queen Joyce was proud of her queendom. She was proud of the servants, she was proud of her subjects, and she was proud of herself. She was proud, but at the same time humble and modest, and everyone respected her even more for that. Queen Joyce was very pleased with her kingdom, but her pride and joy lay with her beloved daughter, the princess Buffy.
Princess Buffy was a young and beautiful girl. She had lovely skin, kissed by the sun and smoother than rose petals. Her hair was so silken and golden that every strand looked exactly like straw-spun gold. And her eyes, greener than the most precious emeralds, were the envy of all gemstones. Princess Buffy was a very attractive young lady.
The Princess was loved by the people of Buffonia. They admired her beauty, but most of all, they admired her strength and selflessness, for she had another calling besides her royal title. Princess Buffy was also the Slayer of the Vampyres, the one princess born in every generation with the ability to protect her land and her people from the creatures that lived for chaos and misfortune.
Although the young Princess excelled in her destined task, she soon became weary of the tedious fights. It wasn't that she didn't wish to fight, but rather that she had fought so much that each battle had become uninteresting. Also, monsters from all corners of the land had heard the fearsome tales of Princess Buffy, the Slayer of Vampyres, and avoided the queendom of Buffonia if they could.
There came the time when Princess Buffy had not been needed to defend her home for an entire week. The young princess was restless, and her days were long and dull. She desired a change from her monotonous life, and so sought out the Royal Tutor Giles in the Royal Library.
"Giles, I-" Buffy marched through the open doors of the Royal Library, ready to make demands of her Royal Tutor when she caught sight of said Royal Tutor sitting by the big glass window at the far end of the room. More specifically, the Royal Tutor Giles was sitting on the window sill and gazing down at something while wearing a dazed expression (and a sappy little smile if one looked hard enough), as though someone had just struck him over the head with one of his own heavy books.
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Giles?" she called again. There was no answer. A small grin crept onto her lips. The Princess tiptoed her way across the room until she was right behind her Royal Tutor. Giles continued to stare dreamily out the window, blissfully unaware of Buffy's presence. She leaned in close and peered over his shoulder. "Watcha looking at?" she asked curiously.
"Buf - ow! Oof!" For all of his lessons on the importance of constant vigilance, Giles was finding it rather hard to follow his own teachings. Upon hearing Buffy's voice right next to his ear, Giles had jerked back in surprise, resulting in him banging his head rather hard on the stone ridge he had been leaning against. He then proceeded to tumble to the ground at Buffy's feet in a fairly ungraceful mass of flailing arms and legs.
"Oooh, that's gotta hurt," Buffy remarked, wincing. She grabbed Giles under the elbow and helped him stand back up. "Sorry," she apologized sheepishly.
"Oh, that's quite all right," Giles said, staggering over to the nearest armchair and collapsing in it. "Nothing a good night's rest can't fix." He gingerly touched the back of his head and grimaced. "Okay, perhaps several," he amended under his breath.
Buffy strolled back to the window and lazily settled herself on the edge, a very un-ladylike habit that Giles had spectacularly failed to make her break after several years. "So what exactly were you looking at that was so fascinating, hmm?" The Princess craned her neck and scanned the grounds.
Giles froze, mid-probe of what was going to be a very lovely purple bruise on his arm the next morning. "N-nobody," he stuttered. "Ah, th-that is to say, nothing! I was looking at nothing at all really!" he babbled. "Just, y-you know, admiring the…the sky. Yes, the sky! Have you ever seen such wonderfully shaped…clouds? Or…or such an exquisite shade of blue?"
"Giles!" Buffy turned back to face him, a scandalously delighted grin upon her face. She had spotted the caravan belonging to the traveling Gypsies. They had come a few days ago, requesting permission for a place to rest. Being the generous soul that she was, the Queen had allowed them to stay as long as they wished and even granted them permission to make use of the castle's numerous rooms. "You were checking out that Gypsy woman weren't you?" she accused playfully.
The Royal Tutor's face turned an interesting shade of red at Buffy's words and her exceptionally gleeful expression. "Not checking out… I was…I was…" he protested feebly.
"But you were looking at her," Buffy insisted impishly. She looked for the entire world like a cat that just ate the canary. Giles wondered miserably where he had gone wrong with his teaching that would result in the Princess having such a mischievous personality.
Whipping his glasses off his nose, Giles scrubbed the lenses ferociously with his handkerchief, as though the innocent optical aid had somehow done him wrong. "She's a very attractive woman," he defended himself huffily. Giles was hoping that his reluctant admittance would be the end of this embarrassing subject, but that merely caused the Princess to smile even wider and start giggling.
He coughed uncomfortably and shoved his glasses haphazardly back onto his nose, nearly poking out his own eye in the process. Giles gathered up what was left of his dignity and asked pointedly, "So what was it that you came to see me about?"
It took Princess Buffy a few more minutes to calm herself. After all, it wasn't everyday that one's Royal Tutor was caught ogling a member of the opposite gender. When Buffy was able to speak without bursting into giggles, she positioned herself in front of the seated Giles and placed her hands on the armrests. She leaned down to look into Giles' eyes and said very seriously, "Giles, I'm bored."
The young Princess explained her predicament to her knowledgeable Tutor and expressed her desire to engage in an exciting activity. The Royal Tutor, though preoccupied with his fascination over the exotic Gypsy woman, recalled something he had recently read.
In an ancient volume, so old that its origins were unknown, was written a prophecy. The prophecy dictated that the Princess of Buffonia, born to the gentle Queen Joyce, would one day embark on a journey to another land. The Princess's quest was to rescue the one with the face of an angel trapped in a tower by magic. There, the Princess would find her destiny.
Suddenly, a person appeared in the doorway of the Royal Library. It was the Gypsy woman! She identified herself as Janna of the Kalderash clan, and wished to help out the young Princess with her quest. She presented Princess Buffy with a glowing glass orb. The Orb of Thesula, as it was called, was foretold to play a vital role in the rescue of the one with the face of an angel. The queen's daughter accepted the gift with thanks.
To accompany her on her journey, Princess Buffy brought along her two dearest companions, the Mage Apprentice Willow and the Knight Xander. The three close friends passed the time by discussing the mystifying prophecy and the mysterious being that had an angel's face. They soon came upon a road with two unmarked paths, rumored to be guarded by two of the most formidable creatures of all time.
"Do you think this person's a guy or a girl?" Mage Apprentice Willow wondered aloud. "I think it's probably a girl," she answered her own question. "'Cause, you know, face of an angel usually means someone pretty." Willow nodded, satisfied with her logic. "Besides, it would be kinda funny if a guy were the one trapped in a tower." A little grin danced upon her face before she spun to face her companions. "Not that there's anything wrong with that! It's just…towers seem more…girl-friendly," she concluded, pursing her lips and waving her hands.
"Tell me about it," said Buffy. She rolled her eyes and leaned closer to Willow. "If I had a gold coin for every girl that I've rescued from a tower, I'd have enough money to buy my own queendom and start my own fashion line of designer clothes."
The Mage Apprentice's eyes lit up. "Oh! A-a-and you can have a store that sells monkey pants too!" Willow beamed at the prospect.
Princess Buffy patted her friend on the shoulder. "I'll leave you in charge of that," she assured. Buffy then let out a slight sigh as she gazed at the cerulean sky above them. "I'm kinda hoping that it's a guy though."
"Really?" Willow tilted her head to the side and gazed at her friend.
"Uh huh." Buffy smiled absently. "I'm thinking that if I rescue him, then he might, I don't know, fall in love with me or something and maybe we could ride off into the sunset like in the fairy tales." She looked beseechingly at Willow. "That's not too much to ask for, is it?"
"Are you still upset that Prince Tom wasn't who you thought he was?" Willow questioned, concern written all over her face.
The Princess' shoulders slumped down. "Yeah," she confirmed dejectedly. "I mean, he seemed really nice and all, a-a-and I really thought he was going to be The One until I found out about his snake fetish. And before him, there was that Owen prince who wanted to kill dragons even though he didn't even know how to hold a sword properly!" Buffy sighed. "Why aren't there any decent marriage-y guys around?" she bemoaned.
"Uh, hello?" The Knight Xander waved his hand energetically in front of Buffy and Willow's faces, reminding them of his presence. "Decent marriage-y guy standing right here?"
Buffy and Willow gave each other skeptical looks. "You're marriage material?" questioned Buffy incredulously. "As I recall, I had to save you from being eaten by the last girl you claimed was your future wife."
"That," said Xander, holding up his index finger, "was a one time thing."
"Oh?" Willow gave her best attempt at a smirk. "Then what about that other girl that tried to suck out your life force?"
Xander held up both of his hands. "Okay, so I might have made a few mistakes on choosing a potential wife," he admitted grudgingly. "But I'll have you know that I'm very charming and attractive, not to mention quite the ladies' man."
"And yet, Giles is the one getting some action with a hot Gypsy lady as we speak, while you're just talking about how you could get some action," Buffy commented innocently.
The Knight opened his mouth to make a witty comeback, but he couldn't think of any and so closed his mouth in defeat.
"Soooooo," drawled the Princess. "Which way do we go from here?" The road before them was split into two paths, both fairly identical in terms of their surroundings. The three friends looked to their left, looked to their right, and looked back again to their left.
After several minutes of looking back and forth at the two paths (for the prophecy had unfortunately not come with completely specific details), Xander clapped and rubbed his hands together. "Well, it looks like we have no choice," he declared. "We're just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way."
"What's the old-fash-" Willow started to ask before Xander began to demonstrate. He covered his eyes with his left hand, extended his right arm in front of him (index finger pointing forward), and spun around several times to the amusement of his companions. Seconds later, he blindly came to a stop.
Xander removed his left hand to discover that his right index finger was pointing at the path on the left. "Alrighty then, left it is!" he announced, teetering dizzily on his feet. He then proceeded to wobble sideways into the nearest tree.
The Princess and the Mage Apprentice cringed. "You might want to work on the whole balance before you walk thing," Buffy advised jokingly. She made to step onto the leftward path.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" a feminine voice demanded crossly. Out of the bushes jumped the most irritated-looking bunny the three friends had ever seen. The bunny hopped forward so assertively that they took several steps backwards.
Willow was the first to recover. "Um, we're trying to go down that pa-" she started to explain before the bunny interrupted her.
"You can't do that," the bunny haughtily informed them.
"Wh-why not?" questioned a confused Buffy.
"Because you can't," the bunny insisted, glaring at the trio. "Weren't you listening the first time I said so? I thought humans were supposed to be smart." She sniffed in contempt.
"Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the den this morning," Buffy whispered to Willow.
"Do you think she would be nicer if I gave her a canapé?" Willow whispered back, eyeing the bunny cautiously.
"Canapé?" A new voice popped up, this one distinctly male. A wolf cub, about the same size as the bunny, strolled nonchalantly out of the clump of bushes next to the Mage Apprentice. "It's a nice idea, but this is actually one of her good days. She's usually not this nice to travelers." The wolf cub gave Willow a small wolf smile. Willow blushed.
The bunny's head whipped around. "Oz, there you are. Tell these rude and stupid humans to go away and never come back," she commanded.
"Rude?!" Xander had finally recovered from his direction-finding maneuver, and was feeling quite offended that a cute little bunny would dare insult his manners. He missed the 'stupid' part. "Look who's talking you-"
"Ah, can we have a minute?" requested Oz politely. He nudged the bunny a few feet back with his nose.
"What?" asked the annoyed bunny, not bothering to keep her voice down.
The wolf cub took in a deep breath. "Anya," he began patiently. "Do you remember what we talked about last time?"
Anya scrunched up her nose in concentration. Her eyes lit up. "Ah, right." Anya sat up straight and addressed the wolf cub formally. "Oz, please tell those rude and stupid humans to go away and never come back. Thank you."
Oz considered this for a few seconds. "Well, that too, but I was referring to the part about talking to the humans."
"Oh." Anya thought about it. "You said something about how we should ask them to pay us taxes," she declared triumphantly. Her eyes gleamed at the thought of gold pouring out of the travelers' pockets and into her paws.
"I…don't recall ever saying that," Oz said slowly. "It's a good plan, but I was actually talking about tact."
"Tact." Anya stared at Oz with a blank expression on her bunny face. She shook her head. "What's tact?"
"It's like… knowing what's appropriate to do in a certain situation," he explained.
Anya gave him strange look. "How is it not appropriate for me to tell them what to do?" she demanded. "I'm one of the Guardians of this road. They should display tact and listen to me," she reasoned.
"You see, that's the hard part about being tactful," Oz said thoughtfully. "You gotta be… nice about it. And discreet about what you want. Discreet is very good. And you have to respect whoever you're talking to. If you master all that, then you can master being tactful." He nodded to himself.
"But what if I don't respect them?" Anya questioned persistently. "How am I supposed to be tactful then?"
Oz pondered over her words. "I guess you just have to pretend you respect them," he replied. "Oh, so that's why the world is full of hypocrites," he mumbled to himself. He then went back to enlightening with his fellow Guardian. "See, the trick is to make them believe that you're tactful. Then they'll get all mushy and gullible 'cause they think that you're honest and all that. And when you request something, nicely and subtly, they'll give you what you want."
Anya frowned. "That's a lot of work," she complained.
"I know," he comforted her. "Being tactful is an art."
"So it would be tactful if I told the blonde human, 'That's a pretty dress you're wearing even though it would look better on someone I know who lives far away from here,' or said to the redhead, 'It has always been my wish for three humans to go away from here and never come back. I hope that someone as powerful you can grant that soon.' I would be nice and subtle at the same time, right?" Anya looked at Oz expectantly.
The wolf cub blinked several times. "I…think it would be better for me to do the talking."
"Why?" Anya asked stubbornly. Her floppy bunny ears twitched with exasperation. "Am I supposed to also tell the stupid-looking one with the armor that 'Hey, I think you're kind of attractive for a human. Let's go somewhere that's not this path and have sex?'"
Oz gave up and turned away to pad back to where the three travelers, namely the red-haired girl with the incredibly sweet smile, were waiting. Anya hopped after him, obstinately and loudly demanding to know how her statements weren't tactful. "Me talking it is," he decided under his breath.
The fearsome Guardians of the Path would not allow the Princess and her companions to continue. They insisted that the three travelers would have to look elsewhere for a road if they wished to proceed with their journey. No amount of begging, pleading, or bribing would change their minds, no matter how hard the three companions tried. The Knight lamented aloud that they would never be able to rescue the one with the face of an angel.
At that, the Guardians recalled hearing tales of such a being, one named Prince Angelus, who was trapped in a tower. They had always desired to meet this Prince to satisfy their curiosity, but were unable to do so because of their positions as Guardians of the Path.
Princess Buffy was very clever, a trait she had inherited from the Queen. She saw immediately a way to compromise. She made a proposition to the Guardians. She requested that the Guardians show them the path to Prince Angelus, the one with the face of an angel. In return, the Princess and her companions would take the Guardians with them on their journey.
The Guardians discussed the offer amongst themselves. They agreed to the Princess' terms along with one more condition: the Guardians must remain permanent companions for the Princess and her friends. The Princess accepted the Guardians' terms; an everlasting deal was made. Both Guardians were under the care of Princess Buffy, but they each chose a different person to be with. One Guardian accepted the Mage Apprentice as his companion while the other Guardian chose the Knight as hers.
The five travelers took the path on the left, which would lead them to the Prince. The journey was a long one, and night fell by the time the group arrived at the Land of Lost Angels where Prince Angelus was said to dwell. From where they arrived, they could see the tower standing high and majestic. There was no way in, however, for the tower was surrounded by a tall and thick wall. The five walked around the wall, but they merely returned to the place they started.
They all attempted to take down the wall. Mage Apprentice Willow cast her magic, but the wall remained whole. The Guardians tried to leap over the wall, but it was too high for them. Princess Buffy even attacked the wall with a series of graceful yet powerful hand and foot strikes, but to no avail.
Suddenly, a horse-drawn carriage charged up to the castle. The Princess and her companions took defensive positions against what could possibly be an enemy attack. Their instincts were correct. Out of the carriage stepped two beings with pale skin, wrinkled foreheads, golden eyes, and sharp ivory fangs. They were Vampyres!
"Well, well, well." The Vampyre with bleached blond hair stared up at the tower, both hands upon his hips. "So this is where the high and mighty Angelus lives." He snorted. "Didn't see him as the type to live in a tower, but some people just can't help having bad taste in living arrangements."
The Vampyre surveyed the wall. "But why the hell is there a bloody wall here?" he muttered. "If someone's taking time out of their precious unlife to visit him in his pathetic excuse for a home, you'd think he'd have the decency to at least put in an entrance." The Vampyre laughed suddenly. "Or maybe he really is that stupid," the Vampyre concluded gleefully.
"Now Spike, don't make fun of Daddy," crooned the female Vampyre at his side. She looked up at him through dark lowered lashes. "He would be very cross with you if he heard that," she whispered in his ear. Her fingers crept up his arm, and she seductively ran a very sharp fingernail down the side of his face. "Slice you up into ribbons he would." She slid her arms around his neck and began to sway back and forth, eyes fixated upon the night sky. "And then I would use my pretty Spike ribbons to tie up my hair, and dance around in the moonlight while the stars sing and fill my ears with words like the ocean." She looked deep into Spike's eyes. "And you know what I'll do?"
Spike wrapped his arms possessively around her slim waist, swaying in time with her. He smiled as he played along. "No. Tell me what you're going to do, pet," he growled good-naturedly at her.
The dark-haired Vampyre grinned, baring pointy white fangs. "I'm going to cut out their fluttery hearts and use them to paint my portrait in the sky so the sun can admire it." She clawed at the air and snarled delicately. "Rawr!"
Spike laughed, pleased. "That's my Dru," he announced proudly, "Always thinking of the bigger picture." He pulled her flush against his body and dipped her. Drusilla giggled delightedly as she went from standing to being held up by Spike's arms. The two Vampyres shared a steamy and passionate kiss, much to the embarrassment of the five travelers standing a few feet away.
"O-kaaaay," said Xander uncomfortably. "Does anyone else feel kinda awkward or is it just me?"
"It's just you," dismissed Anya. She stared intently from her spot on the Knight's shoulder. "Grow up already."
"Excuse me? I'm not the one-"
"Uh, do you two mind?" Xander and Anya paused in their bickering to find the male Vampyre looking straight at them. Spike gestured towards Drusilla and himself. "We're kinda in the middle of something, so if you two would do us a favor and bugger off, that'd be real helpful."
"We were here first, buddy," Xander said defiantly. He crossed his arms in an attempt to look intimidating. The bunny perched on his shoulder didn't do much to strengthen his image, but Buffy and Willow just didn't have the heart to tell him so.
The bleach-haired Vampyre scoffed. "What, are you going to throw your little animal friend at me?" mocked Spike. "Ooooh, my heart's beating in fear. Oh, but that's right. I don't have a heart." He sneered, but straightened up anyways, still holding Drusilla close. "So," Spike said conversationally, his personality abruptly switching to a friendlier one. "Any of you lot happen to know where we are?"
"Well, according to the sign that was there until a few minutes ago, we're in the Land of Lost Angels," piped up Oz from the safety of Willow's arms.
Spike looked behind him. Beneath the wheels of the carriage laid the splintery remains of the 'Welcome to the Land of Lost Angels' sign. "Oh," he said dismissively, unmoved by the demise of what had once been a proud indicator of the land's name. "Anyways, is there a dark-haired bloke about yay tall," he held his hand slightly above his head, "who acts like he's the biggest poof in the world living around here?"
"Angelus? In the tower?" Willow shook her head unconvincingly. "Oh no, Angelus doesn't live there. Nope! He lives… somewhere else! A-a-a-and even if he lives here, which he doesn't, we wouldn't tell you anyways since you're Vampyres." She held up her chin.
Spike gave the Mage Apprentice an amused look. "Bit of advice, Red? Don't lie. You're terrible at it."
Willow's face fell. "Was I really that obvious?" she asked Oz dejectedly.
"Not too much," he reassured her. Oz licked the side of her face. "It's okay; I think you're kinda cute when you lie." Willow cheered up considerably and she nuzzled her nose against Oz's.
"Hey, you with the platinum blonde hair. Don't think you can insult my friends like that just because you're a Vampyre." Buffy positioned herself in front of her companions, crossing her arms and staring coolly at Spike.
The Vampyre raised his eyebrows as he sized up the petite Princess. "And you might be?"
Drusilla's eyes widened, and she drew away from Spike's arms. "The Slayer," she breathed, drifting slowly towards the Princess as though entranced. "She's here to steal Daddy away. She wants to turn him into a loyal puppy and make him bury crosses and cut his hair whenever the moon cries golden tears," Drusilla accused, jerking back. She stabbed the air with her index fingers. "Bad Slayer," scolded Drusilla. "Miss Edith won't stand for that."
"The Slayer?" Spike looked back and forth between Drusilla and Buffy. His thrilled expression was not unlike a young boy's upon seeing his first dragon. "This is bloody brilliant!" Spike appraised the Princess with a newfound respect. "Who knew we'd run into the Slayer here, and wearing a dress! Don't get me wrong, love. It's a lovely dress. Brings out the veins in your neck, you know."
"Thanks," said Buffy, not sounding the least bit heartfelt. "I'd complement your outfit too, but my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, then I shouldn't say it at all." Buffy smiled insincerely.
"Why exactly is Buffy wearing a dress?" Xander asked Willow discreetly. "I mean, I like it, but it seems like a weird choice for a rescue mission."
"The Queen made her wear it," Willow whispered back. "She said that even though Buffy can't live like a normal princess, she should still at least be able to dress like one."
Spike sauntered towards the Princess. "I've heard about you, Slayer." He spread out his arms. "So, are you gonna- what was it- send me on my way to where I deserve to end up with your puny piece of wood?"
Buffy smirked. "As a matter of fact, I am," she informed him, pulling a wooden stake out of the satchel slung over her shoulders. She expertly balanced the stake on the exact middle of her right palm. "And don't diss Mr. Pointy. He's much cooler than you can ever hope to be." Saying that, she lunged forward and poked Spike with the stake's blunt end.
"Hey!" protested Spike. He glanced at his chest and then back at Buffy. "You poked me where my heart's supposed to be," he said in disbelief.
"Well spotted, Captain Obvious," said the Princess sarcastically, bouncing left and right on the balls of her feet. She darted in and poked him again in the exact same spot.
"Stop that!" he said, annoyed. He swung at her, but Buffy had danced out of reach again.
"Make me stop," she taunted. She flew at him once more, but this time the Vampyre was ready for her and leapt to the side.
"You missed me!" The bleach-haired Vampyre sneered, circling around her with his arms raised defensively. Buffy sprung at him, but Spike dodged and poked her arm as he went. "Gotcha!"
"I'm still got one more poke in than you," pointed out Buffy, twirling the stake around. "Best out of five."
"Fine, but you won't be so smug once I beat you." This time, Spike took the offensive position and charged at the Princess. She ducked under his outstretched arm and took a stab at his chest. Spike swatted her arm away and poked her in the side. "Got you again!"
Buffy tossed her blond hair out of her face. "Don't get so cocky just yet," she warned him. Ignoring her advice, he pounced on her. Buffy grabbed his arm and tossed him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Spike grunted as he hit the ground. Buffy brought her arm over her head and swung Mr. Pointy down. Spike rolled out of the way, and the stake harmlessly struck the ground.
Spike popped back on his feet, a huge grin on his face. "Can't touch this!" he mocked. He threw back his head and accidentally hit it on the wall behind him. He laughed anyways to hide the fact that he was seeing a bunch of Happy Meals on legs running around his throbbing head.
Buffy sprinted at him with her stake held at the ready. Spike crouched down, prepared to dive and roll off to the side when Drusilla suddenly called out, "Spike."
Spike turned his head to look at her. "Dru," he said patiently. "I'm kinda busy right now. Can't this wait for a bit?"
"Nope!" Buffy took advantage of Spike's distracted state to poke him in the chest for the third time. "I win!" she declared triumphantly.
"What?!" Spike scowled. He pointed an accusing finger at the Princess. "Hey, that didn't count. You cheated!"
"Actually, I didn't." Buffy casually buffed her nails against her dress and blew them. "You were the one getting sidetracked, and there were no rules on it. Therefore, my win. And what do you know? I didn't even break a nail." She smirked at a glowering Spike.
Grudgingly accepting his defeat, Spike turned his full attention back to Drusilla, cheering up considerably upon seeing his insane lover. "What is it, pet?"
"Spike," Drusilla announced spontaneously. "I want to go visit Grandmummy instead. She said last time that she would serve us tea and kittens if we went to visit her again." Drusilla leaned forward. "Those kitties have been very naughty and need to be punished," she said gravely.
"Of course." Spike took both of her hands and smiled affectionately. "Anything you say, my love." He drew her into another deep and enthusiastic kiss. He turned towards the five standing by awkwardly. "Well, it was nice meeting you all, mates," he said, inclining his head. "But me and Dru have better things to do than hang around and chat with losers like you, so we'll be off now."
With those effulgent words of farewell, Spike assisted Drusilla back into the carriage and clambered in after her. The two Vampyres departed in an eastward direction, scattering the wooden pieces of the demolished sign and raising up a cloud of dust as they went.
"Never underestimate the power of Mr. Pointy," Buffy declared smugly as soon as she finished coughing.
"I thought you'd do something more interesting than that, but at least they're gone," said Anya, her nose twitching slightly from the dust.
"Now Ahn, be nice to the Princess who just saved your fur," admonished Xander.
"Wow, Buffy." Willow looked at Buffy, eyes filled with nothing but the utmost respect and admiration. "That was…amazing! A few pokes from Mr. Pointy and they disappeared just like that!" The Mage Apprentice shifted her Guardian to one arm and snapped her fingers.
"That really was impressive," Oz complimented. "It was surprising, in an unexpected way. Does Slaying a Vampyre usually go this fast?"
"Nah," said Buffy modestly. She tucked the stake back into her satchel. "I just get really lucky sometimes." She directed her attention back to the wall in front of them. "Anyways, it looks like there's no way past this thing." She tapped the wall a few times experimentally. "If there's no entrance, then we're just going to have to make our own," she decided. Buffy turned to face the Knight. "Xander, use that."
"That? What's that?" Anya demanded to know. She nudged Xander impatiently with her nose. "What is she talking about?"
Xander ignored the persistent little bunny pawing at his face and knelt down to open the box that he'd been carrying the whole time. The Knight grinned wickedly as he pulled out his rocket launcher, aiming it directly at the wall. "With pleasure."
Princess Buffy defeated the Vampyres using her trusted weapon, the mystical wooden stake. With the Vampyres beaten, the only obstacle left to conquer was the obstinate wall surrounding the tower in which Prince Angelus was trapped. The Princess realized that the only thing that could break through the wall was the weapon that the Knight carried. As always, the Princess' insight was correct, and the five were able to cross the wall.
On the other side was the entrance to the tower. The Guardians told the Princess and her friends that Angelus was at the top of the tower. The five had no other option but to ascend the tower by climbing up the long flights of stairs. They climbed and they climbed and they climbed until the door separating them from the Prince stood before them.
All of a sudden, the stairs beneath them crumbled away! So many years had passed by that the stone steps had cracked and become unstable. The combined weight of the five travelers was too much for the unused steps to bear. Through a combination of luck and fortune, the Princess, the Mage Apprentice, and the Knight were able to catch themselves on the edges of the stairs, and the Guardians clung on tightly to their clothing.
They pulled themselves up, hearts pounding and chests heaving. They were all unharmed for Lady Luck had smiled upon them. The five rested for a bit to calm themselves before continuing. When their hearts had slowed down to beat at a normal pace and their breathing was steady and even, the companions faced their next challenge- the door between them and Prince Angelus.
As with the wall surrounding the tower, they tried ever method they knew to open it, but failed each time. Even the Knight's weapon was not able to create an opening in the enchanted door. The Princess then had another moment of insight. She remembered the Orb of Thesulah given to her at the start of her journey by Janna of the Kalderash clan. Perhaps it was to be used now when all other ways were unsuccessful.
But alas! When the stairs of the tower collapsed, the Orb had fallen as well. Upon striking the ground, the delicate Orb had shattered into a million pieces which now glittered mockingly at the travelers from the darkness below. The group was worried. How would they ever rescue the Prince if the only way to get past the door had been destroyed? The Mage Apprentice was especially distraught for the Orb had been entrusted to her by the Princess.
However, the Princess was able to see a solution. She reminded Mage Apprentice Willow of her ability to use magic. Princess Buffy asked the Mage Apprentice to use her magic to create a new Orb. Though Mage Apprentice Willow was unsure about the extent of her own abilities, words of comfort from her Guardian and the Princess gave her the courage to try. Another Orb of Thesulah was created!
The Mage Apprentice revealed that, while producing the Orb, the Powers That Be had visited her. They had blessed her with the knowledge of how to use the Orb to its full potential. Mage Apprentice Willow set the Orb on the floor and rolled it towards the door. Immediately, the magical barrier protecting the door disappeared in a great cloud of fog. The door opened on its own, granting the five travelers permission to enter the room of Prince Angelus.
"That's it?" Anya wrinkled her tiny nose in disgust. "The shiny glass ball only makes fog? Why did we even need it in the first place? It's useless!"
"I'm gonna have to go with Ahn on this one," agreed Xander, blinking his watering eyes. "Will, are you sure what you made was an Orb of Thesulah? Not like a smoke bomb or something?"
"I'm sure," said Willow, knitting her brows together at the sight of the fog swirling around the door. "Or, the Powers That Be are sure. I did what they told me to."
"At least the door is gone," Oz pointed out optimistically. "Don't know what's the deal with the fog though. Must be the PTB's idea of a joke."
"They have a terrible sense of humor then," Buffy concluded, eyeing the fog suspiciously as though it might attack them at any moment. "But since they got rid of the door for us, I can't really complain."
"What now?" wondered Anya aloud. "I don't want to spend my entire life just standing here and doing nothing. There's so much gold out there that I haven't taken yet."
The five of them hovered around the doorway, wracking their brains for what to do. Oz was the first to speak. "Well, there is an entrance with fog everywhere," he said. The wolf cub looked at each member of the group. "You guys thinking what I'm thinking?"
Imagine Prince Angelus' surprise when his door vanished and was replaced by a great fog cloud, and when three humans, a wolf cub, and a bunny marched dramatically in slow motion through said fog to a fanfare of trumpets that sounded out of nowhere.
"Hey, that was kinda nifty," remarked Willow, grinning from ear to ear. She looked at everyone hopefully. "Do you think we can do it again?"
"Yeah, that's a great idea," said Xander jubilantly. He was grinning as well. "Entering like that was so cool!"
"I change my mind," announced Anya. "The shiny glass ball was very useful after all."
Oz was wagging his tail with much enthusiasm. "And did you guys hear the music? I don't know where it came from, but I liked it. It could've used a few guitars, but it was still good."
"Uh, guys?" Buffy interrupted. "I know the whole emerging from the fog thing was awesome and all that, but we're kinda here on a quest to rescue Prince-" She stopped, having caught sight of the figure standing in the middle of the room. "Angelus," she finished faintly.
The Prince was a devastatingly handsome young man. His ebony-colored locks fell in shining ripples to his broad shoulders. Simple yet majestic black clothing covered his well-built torso. Prince Angelus' most defining features were his eyes- dark, mournful orbs that drew a person into its mesmerizing depths to drown in for all eternity. He looked every inch of a prince, but he was inflicted with a most dreadful dilemma.
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Prince Angelus in the fakest Irish accent ever to be heard. His eyes darted back and forth between the five beings who'd just barged into his room without a single warning. Although he was incredibly good-looking for someone who had been trapped in a tower for years, the shell-shocked expression plastered on his face was rather amusing to see. "Who are you people?" he inquired suspiciously. "How did you get up here?"
Xander nudged Willow with his elbow. "Either my ears have gone funny due to the fog or this guy has one of the funniest sounding English I've ever heard," he snickered quietly. "I'm going with choice number two."
Prince Angelus shot Xander a dirty look. "I've no choice but to speak this way, you insolent child," he said in the same bad Irish accent. "It's a part of me curse, it is."
"Hey, don't call me that, you big meanie!" Xander stuck out his tongue.
"Oh no," cried Willow, eyes brimming with concern. "You've been cursed?"
"Aye, lass," the Prince confirmed. "And a terrible curse it is."
Prince Angelus explained that he had been cursed for afflicting a most grievous assault on the eldest daughter of a Gypsy clan. The head of the clan was furious with the Prince for his disgraceful actions. The Gypsies, to punish Prince Angelus, captured him and imprisoned him in the enchanted tower. They also cast a dreadful curse upon him, one that could only be broken through the power of True Love.
Xander was guffawing hysterically. "You're saying that you got cursed because you leered at a random girl while you were drunk?!" He wiped away his tears of laughter. "That's just too funny!"
"Xander!" reproached Willow, smacking the Knight lightly on the back of his head. She faced Prince Angelus. "I'm sorry," she apologized, "he can be a little inconsiderate sometimes."
"Wow." Oz had a faraway look in his eyes. "Forced to spend the rest of your days brooding in a magic tower and to always speak with a bogus Irish accent… That's cruel." Oz shook his head in amazement. "You have my sympathies, man."
"He deserved it for sexually harassing that poor innocent girl," Anya insisted. She stole another peek at the Prince's striking features. "Well, mostly innocent anyways. Someone should discipline that father of hers though. Men have no right to constrain women like that. She should've had the right to punish Angelus herself!"
All this time, Buffy had been standing quietly in the background, staring at Angelus through indiscernible eyes. The Prince himself found his attention repeatedly wandering back to the petite blond Princess. When Buffy finally spoke up again, all eyes turned to her.
"You guys," she said, holding her hands up. "Have you forgotten why we came here in the first place?" She planted herself in the middle of the room. "We're not here to discuss whether Prince Angelus is the attacker or the victim. He could even be a mass murderer, o-o-or a complete sadist for what it's worth." She looked at each of her group member in the eye, dropping her voice. "But you know what?" she asked quietly. "I don't care." Buffy began pacing back and forth. "We're here on a quest. We are here to rescue the one with the face of an angel, nothing more, nothing less." She ceased her pacing, and her eyes burned with authority.
"We've traveled here all the way from the queendom of Buffonia in just one day," she reminded them. "We nearly got lost so many times I can't even count them all. We had to defend ourselves against all sorts of obstacles, like Vampyres a-a-and magic completely beyond our understanding. We had to break through walls and climb up who knows how many flights of stairs to get to the top. We nearly died when the stairs collapsed beneath us." She paused. All of them unconsciously held their breath as they awaited her next words. "But we didn't. We made it. We survived. We lived."
Buffy took a deep breath. "We lived," she said softly, "because we were meant to complete our quest. That's right, our quest. Even though I'm the one mentioned in the prophecy, it's not just about me. I never would've gotten here without all of your help." She gazed at everyone, her jaw firm with resolve. "We worked together as a team, and we are where we are now because we worked together as a team. It all comes down to this moment, you guys. We've made it this far, and I have no intentions of turning back now. Not now, when we're that close to being done."
She locked eyes with Angelus. He stared back just as intently. "We're going to complete this quest," she declared. "We're going to save Prince Angelus."
Everyone gaped at her, starry-eyed and enraptured. "Now that's what I call an inspirational speech," stated Oz, breaking the silence.
Princess Buffy was touched by the Prince's tragic tale. She had fallen for his attractive looks and gentle personality. She looked into his soul, as only few people could do, and she could see that he was truly good and kind. The Princess was determined to help him out for she was in love with him.
As for Prince Angelus, he too had fallen in love with the beautiful Princess. He did not have the ability to see into people's souls. However, the Prince had lived for a long time, and could tell a person's true nature from just one interaction with them. He saw that the Princess was good and kind, and that her desire to break his curse was genuine.
The Mage Apprentice, the Knight, and the Guardians all watched with baited breath as Princess Buffy approached the one with the face of an angel. They gazed deeply at each other, eyes filled with love and passion. The Princess wrapped her arms around Prince Angelus and gave him the Embrace of True Love.
A supernatural wind kicked up, wrapping the Prince and the five travelers in magic swirls in a variety of colors. The wind, so sudden and powerful, caused everyone to cover their eyes. When they opened their eyes again, the tower they were in had disappeared. The wall surrounding the tower was gone as well. The curse had been broken!
Everything around them had been replaced by an exquisite grassy field covered with flowers of all shape and color. Above them, the moon glowed radiantly, and the stars, brilliant in their shine, sparkled and glittered merrily against the dark sky. Princess Buffy and the Prince smiled at each other lovingly and embraced each other in joy once more.
The Prince stared at his own hands in wonder, turning them slowly around under the moonlight. He ran his hands over his hair, which had miraculously become short and spiky, and his clothes, the material that had changed into sleek black leather. He whipped around to face Princess Buffy. "You saved me!" he cried out in unaccented English as he drew her into a tight hug. "Thank you," he whispered emotionally, voice full of gratitude. "I thought that I was doomed to be a victim of that curse and brood forever."
"Hey, the Prince's horrible Irish accent is gone," Anya noted straightforwardly. She hopped up and down. "He sounds much better like this." She eyed his short hairstyle and leather clothing. "And he looks much better too."
"Oh, thank god." Xander picked himself off the ground where he'd been unceremoniously dumped by the magical rainbow swirls. "A few more minutes of listening to him talk with that phony accent and my ears would've started bleeding."
Willow brushed off her dress and hooded cloak. "I sure wasn't expecting Buffy hug him like that. I thought she was going to grab his face and kiss him into tomorrow or something," she admitted.
Getting back on his paws, Oz shook his fur. "Well, the curse didn't exactly specify that she had to kiss him, just that it had to be True Love," he pointed out matter-of-factly. He cocked his head to the side as an idea came to him. "I wonder if the Handshake of True Love would do the trick as well," he mused.
"Oh, no problem," Buffy said, flustered by the Prince's body contact and his face being mere millimeters away from hers. "All in a day's work, you know. Princess Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyres slash Hugger of Princes, that's me!" She laughed giddily, thinking that he would chuckle in a manly fashion with her. It therefore came as a surprise when he stiffened in her arms and then jerked away.
He stared at her with wide, inscrutable eyes. "You're…the Slayer?" he asked almost inaudibly, his voice laced with an odd combination of enigma and disbelief. At that, everybody turned to see what was going on.
Buffy's shocked face betrayed her confusion and slight hurt. "Yeah, I'm the Slayer." Her brows knitted together. "Is there something wrong?"
The Prince glanced from left to right at the beings now crowded protectively around the Princess. "Please don't take this the wrong way," he implored. He closed his eyes and breathed out heavily. "The truth is…I'm…a Vampyre." He hung his head down.
There was a long silence. "Get him!!!" screamed Xander, launching himself in the air and slamming both feet into the Prince's chest. The Prince grunted and stumbled back. And faster than he could say "I help the helpless," the Prince found himself tackled to the ground by a very angry screeching group of humans and animals all intent on beating the unlife out of him in order to protect their Princess from his evil Vampyre-ness.
"Take that!" shrieked Anya wildly. She stomped furiously all over his pretty boy face with her hind paws. The Prince tried in vain to cover his only merit and means to attract girls from the vicious bunny kicks, but to no avail. "And that! And that!"
Oz growled ferociously and latched onto the nearest article of clothing he could find, which happened to be the Prince's pants. Chomping down on the leather material, Oz whipped his head back and forth until it ripped. "You're a monster!" he barked through a mouthful of leather. He spat it out and attacked the next patch of pants, which fortunately for the Prince was nowhere near the crotch area.
The skies turned stormy, and lightning ominously struck down in the distance as the Mage Apprentice's eye and hair color turned midnight black. Dark veins surfaced on her stark white skin. "You pathetic Vampyre," Willow cackled evilly, raising an index finger threateningly sparking with magic. "Did you really think that you could take advantage of Buffy with us around?" She zapped him continuously with great gusto.
"Wait- ow!" yelped the Prince as he was repeatedly assaulted by fists, paws, fangs, and shocks. "I'm- ow! A good- ow! Vampyre- ow!" He looked pleadingly at Princess Buffy, who was blinking at the rather comical sight. "My real-ow! Name- ow! Is Angel-ow! I- ow! Have- ow! A soul- ow!"
"A Vampyre with a soul?" jeered Xander, happily pummeling away at every inch of the Prince he could reach. "Try again, Vampyre! That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard!" He gleefully punched the Prince in the stomach. "Stay away from Buffy!"
"You guys, stop!" yelled Buffy, running up to them. They paused for a moment at her outburst and resumed enthusiastically attacking the poor defenseless Angel. "Stop it!" she shouted, pulling everyone off.
They all stood back, glaring daggers at the self-proclaimed Vampyre with a soul. Buffy helped a shaking and visibly disturbed Angel to stand up. His hair was a complete mess, his hands trembling, and his clothes nothing more than shredded rags. Buffy marveled over his bruised, sweaty, and rugged handsomeness for a few moments before addressing her companions.
"Look," she entreated. "I know it seems hard to believe, but Angel really does have a soul. He's a good Vampyre. I saw it myself."
Xander, Anya, Oz, and Willow (who had turned back to normal) blinked. "Oh." They grinned sheepishly at Angel. "Sorry."
"It's okay," he said. His bruises miraculously faded away and his clothes became whole again. His hair, though, still stuck straight up. "I'm fine. You guys were only trying to protect Buffy. I understand."
"Now that this little misunderstanding's been cleared up," Buffy gave her friends pointed looks, "I think we should go off." She smiled expectantly at Angel.
Angel frowned, his face full of concern. "I…don't know," he said. "You're a Slayer and I'm a Vampyre. We can't be together! I was supposed to brood for all eternity. It's not possible for us to just…be a normal, happy couple." He turned his head away dramatically to convey his angst.
The Princess grabbed his hand. "I don't care," she told him vehemently. "I love you, you love me, and that's what's truly important." She gave his hand a squeeze. "Forget about fate, forget about brooding, and forget about the Powers That Be. I want my happy ending and I'm going to get it."
He shook his head, in awe of Princess Buffy. "Okay," he consented, bringing her hand up to his lips and kissing it. "We'll make our own happy ending."
Princess Buffy grinned back, pulling him along. "Let's go then."
The Slayer and her Vampyre ran across the grass towards where the sunset was supposed to be, all the while being serenaded by three prancing figures clad in white and singing "We're Gods!"
The four remaining travelers waved goodbye to the couple steadily disappearing into the horizon. They gave each other sappy smiles and basked in their warm and fuzzy feelings until Oz said, "So, does anyone know how to get back to Buffonia?"
Although the Prince, whose real name was Prince Angel, turned out to be a Vampyre, it was alright. Prince Angel was a Vampyre with a soul, so he was good and kind like the Princess was. The Mage Apprentice, the Knight, and the two Guardians saw that Princess Buffy and Prince Angel were meant for each other, and so urged the couple to be together. Princess Buffy and Prince Angel traveled off into the distance while the others made their way back to the queendom of Buffonia to give Queen Joyce the good news.
Princess Buffy and her companions were able to rescue Prince Angel from his curse since they took the path on the left. However, this was because the Guardians of the Path believed 'the one with the face of an angel' referred to him. Indeed, with the Prince's name being Angel, having a fairly angelic face, and being trapped in the Land of Lost Angels, it does seem like he was the one the Princess was supposed to rescue in the prophecy. But what if they had taken the road leading them to the right? Believe it or not, the prophecy would still have been fulfilled. This begs the question as to what's going on at the end of the rightward path as Buffy and Angel are running off into the "sunset" and the rest are getting lost…
"If you think that you're going to keep me trapped in this tower forever, then you are sadly mistaken, mister. I'll have you know that everyone in my queendom is out there looking for me right now, and when they find me, you are going to be so busted. I'll have you punished so bad, that you're going to wish you'd never messed with me in the first place. It'll serve you right!"
"Will. You. Shut. Up. Already?!" hissed the Evil Sorcerer Snyder through gritted teeth. He plugged his ears with his fingers and began yelling desperately. "I can't hear you! La la la la la!" Try as he might, he could not hope to drown out the biting words of his victim. She merely raised her voice and talked over him.
"You shut up, you midget," shot back Queen Cordelia. "Your screechy and incredibly annoying voice is giving me a headache. Why, my subjects would kill for the chance to hear me speak! You should be grateful that you're getting this opportunity to hear my voice." She flipped her dark, glossy hair over her shoulder with a perfectly shaped hand and resumed her diatribe.
"And you know what's even more irritating? You! You keep on whining about how 'I'm going to take over the world' this and 'Nobody appreciates me' that. Has anyone ever told you just how selfish you are? You're not even considering my feelings! I'm the one who's been trapped in this hideous tower for an entire day with an ugly short man who can't even cook properly. I mean, stale bread and lukewarm water? That's poor people food! The villagers in my queendom get to have the highest quality meat and grains and they drink whatever wine I don't get to. Yet I'm the one who's eating like a prisoner here! It's totally ruining my complexion!"
She felt her silky smooth cheek before casting a scornful glance at the plain stone walls. "And would it kill you to hire a decorator or something? This is even worse than my dungeons! I'm a queen, so you should've put up tapestries and paintings up in my honor at the very least. And painted the walls a different color too! This gray is so last decade." Cordelia shuddered.
"Fine!" Snyder shrieked, throwing his hands up in defeat. He waved his hands and immediately they were transported to the base of the tower outside. "You're free! You can go! You can leave!"
"About time," said Cordelia. She crossed her arms expectantly, staying right where she was.
"What?" growled Snyder.
She threw him a scathing glare. "Don't 'What?' me. Where's my carriage? I'm not walking all the way back to my queendom. My shoes are brand new, and I'm not wearing them out just because some lame guy-witch made me walk. If my feet get blistered because of you, you're going to pay big time. I don't care if you have magic- I'm going to hunt you down and make you compensate me for my injuries. In jewels. And none of that fake jewelry. I want the real gemstones and-"
"Okay!" Snyder yelled, interrupting her tirade. "I'll make you a carriage. Just stop talking already!" He turned around. "Face of an angel my butt," he groused. "That mug of hers is the only thing that's remotely angelic. Of all the queens and princesses out there, why did the one I kidnap have to be her?"
The Evil Sorcerer waved his hands in the air again. The cloud of smoke cleared away to reveal a magnificent carriage. It was painted a brilliant shade of crimson and was equipped with the most luxurious velvet cushioned seats. The doors were decorated with rich silk curtains and fine cords. There was even a scrumptious meal waiting inside for her.
Queen Cordelia sniffed. "That'll do, I suppose." With her head held high, she climbed into the carriage without a backwards glance and slammed the door shut. The majestic white unicorn neighed and began pulling the carriage back to her queendom. The sign attached to the back of the carriage, bearing the words 'Queen C' painted elaborately in gold, flapped in the wind, mocking Snyder with every jerky movement.
Snyder kicked the tower bitterly. Instead of releasing his anger as he intended, he only ended up stubbing his toe. "Kids these days," he griped, hopping around on one foot as he rubbed his abused toe. "That's what happens when you don't educate and discipline them properly. They grow up to be a bunch of useless morons who have absolutely no respect for their authorities or the black arts!" he ranted, storming off in a random direction. "Those lazy brats don't realize just how hard we Evil Sorcerers have to work to execute a perfect kidnapping. No, they just go on and on about their conceited little selves…"
So in the end, it didn't really matter that Princess Buffy and her friends took the path on the left and rescued Prince Angel. Queen Cordelia managed to free herself and make her way back to her queendom where her doting subjects tearfully welcomed back their beloved queen. As for the Evil Sorcerer Snyder, after several days of mindless wandering, he eventually got eaten by a giant snake, but that's another story…
~And they all lived happily ever after. The end~
A/N: So there you have it- everyone (mostly everyone, anyways) gets a happy ending. Thank you very much for reading! ^.^ (Review button please? :3)