Title: Reflection
Author: Darkness of Death
Notes: This is a song-fic with Christina Aguilara's song. Reflection. All in Meilin's P.O.V. and I would like to dedicate this fic to 'What's his face' because I am sorry for whatever I have done I really am this time! This is a Meili, sort of anywayz. So don't hate me! I wrote this because this is exactly how I feel inside!
Disclaimer: I don't own CCS or Li! *sighs*
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I sat around waiting for Syaoran. My Syaoran at least…not anymore. Now as I am compared to Sakura. I am nothing but a piece of worthless dirt. Who am I really? I never acturelly knew. I love Syaoran SO much. But, now as I crawl around in the dark while Sakura gets all the happiness in her life. It's so not fair but I am a strong girl and I can live it up. I can protect myself. I am strong enough!
Syaoran just then walked in the door. All wet but had a great big smile on his face. I glanced for a towel. I saw one lying on a chair grabbed it and handed it to Syaoran. He smiled and said.
"I had such a great date with Sakura today!"
"I am sure you did! And how come you guys are all wet?" I asked concernly.
"Oh, it's nothing. It's just that well, after we had dinner we walked around and it began raining and we played in the rain."
"I sound like your mother don't I?" I giggled silently. I wish I was the one in the rain.
"No, Meilin you're GREAT!" Syaoran handed the towel back to me and kissed me gently on the cheek. It was past 10. But, I didn't know if I wanted to stick around in the gloomy apartment. I want to go out and enjoy my life.
"I am going out!" I yelled. My dark black hair was tied into two huge braids. It's the prettiest hair I've had so far. I didn't bring an umbrella. I didn't feel like it. All I want is have a great date for once and tell Syaoran about it. But, it's always the other way around. It's not fair. It really isn't!
My black jacket reflected in the rain. It looked almost as if I was a shadow. Standing out in the rain. My jacket was soaked and so was my hair. But, I didn't care. I walked past the school thinking about our old memories. Like the time when Syaoran wasn't going out with Sakura for once. They always got to be together while Tomoyo filmed their every move. While I stand in the shadow staring.…
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Ev'ry day
It's not as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Why should I hide my feelings for all time? I want to show them to the world and tell them that I am Meilin Rae! I have feelings just like everyone else.
My life flashed across the pond as I stared down seeing myself as who I am. All wet, soaked through, not pretty and not who I really am. I want to tell myself that I am happy for who I am right now. But that's not the truth. I love someone and I have to hide it. What's the point? With my life….
The night darkened. I could see emptiness through the massive ground. It's empty just like my heart. Filled with absolutly nothing. Nothing I could hope for. Nothing I could look forward to. The point of me coming to Japan is not to help Syaoran break up the marrige but get closer instead. Be better friends. Understanding each other more. But, you Sakura have to step in. Am I the only one that feels like this? I don't understand at all. Why am I acting like this?
I love you Syaoran now and I always will………………………..
I stepped out of the rain and under a huge tree with branches all over. My braids are soaked through, I didn't care. I had a great time by myself. And I know it'll be the same in the future too. I don't want to be Sakura's shadow as they walked around holding hands. I am sick of that. But, no matter what I know I will never be able to have whom I truly love. No matter what.
Soon the night is late, I bet Syoaoran isn't worried about me! I am nothing more than a shadow to his valuable Cherry Blossom. This is the first time I said this, but I give up. I give up on having a great life with my Syaoran. I give up, I free my guilt, and I free all the darkness in my heart.
I ran back to the apartment quickly. The TV was on and Syaoran sat in front of it and was laughing. He didn't notice I walked in.
"Hi." I said as I reached for a towel.
Syaoran looked up and stared. "What happened to you?" He hurried towards me and helped me dried off.
"Didn't I tell you that I was going out?" I asked.
"Yeah, but I thought you would go with an umbrella." Syaoran grabbed another and helped me dried my hair.
"Thank you Sayoran." I smiled.
"No prob! Meilin. We're cousins, we're suppose to help each other out!" Syaoran grinned.
I stared at him long and walked away.
"Is that all what you think of me and you? Just as cousins? And for you to share an apartment with me is just nothing more of cousinly love?" I asked. My voice was loud, I could hear the glass shattering around me.
"No, Meilin. I love you!" Syaoran smiled sweetly.
I couldn't resist his puppy faces. But, I knew he only loved me as a cousin nothing more.
"As a what?'' I asked again.
"As my favorite cousins of course!" Syaoran said.
I ran to my room and slammed the door. Is that all he thought of me? A worthless cousin? He has tons of those. And he picked me as his favorite. Aren't I happy? Oh my god, as the time I've spent with him and that's IT? That's all he thinks of me? I didn't really care anymore. I opened the door again and stared straight into his deep warm brown eyes.
"Hey, sorry Meilin." Syaoran said.
"No, I should be apologizing. I shouldn't have acted so childish. And if you want, I would move out of the apartment. Because, I am already 18. Next year, I am going to university so I guess I need some time alone." I asked out of curiosity. I don't want to go and leave Syaoran with Sakura. I want to stay and be his one and only. But, I know that will never happen. My eyes are still staring at his. Wondering what he will reply. Will he help me pack and get me out of here? Or will he plead for me to stay? I didn't know.
"Well?" I asked.
"Is that really what you want? Get another apartment on your own?" Syaoran's eyes are so gentle. He looked hurt. Very hurt. But, I didn't reply. I nodded my head gently and a tear dropped into my hand.
"But, Meilin! Will you be okay by yourself?"
"Me? Of course I'll be okay." I replied with a bright smile. But, I am not okay. I am scared to get out there by myself.
"Then you can move in with your little girlfriend!" I mumbled as I headed for my room.
"Meilin Rae! How could you say that? Even though I love Sakura ver much. That doesn't mean I am ready to move in with her yet!"
"Well, from what I have seen you should move in anyway. You guys are practically 24/7 all together. Won't it be the same thing? And you get to make out more now! Wont' that be SO great?" I felt my eyes watery ready to cry. But, I am strong girl and I am not gonna.
"Meilin! I think it'll be better if you just get out of my life for good! You're always in the way somehow. Why do you have to be here in the first place! I would just help Sakura and then it would be done! But, now you have confused things." Syaoran was yelling at me. He's never done that before. And tears fell down like raindrops.
"FINE! I will move out. I'll go pack right NOW! Are you happy now?" I asked. I ran to my room and slammed the door. The tears came alright. Tons of it. I never knew Syaoran that gentle little boy could be yelling at me like hell right now! How could he? I decided it would be best if I just geta out of his freaking life for good!
Then I heard a knock on the door it was probably him, of course it is him who else could it be?
"GO AWAY LI!" I screamed. I guess he gave up after a while. Because I played music so loud I couldn't even hear myself. I grabbed my huge suitcase out of the closet and dumped it on to the bed. I grabbed all my clothing and stuffed it in. I grabbed everything that values some meaning to me and stuffed it in. Then I saw that…..picture of Syaoran and me in the park when we were 12. It was his birthday. It was the best day for him and me. I had such a great time. I took that picture out of the picture frame and looked at it sorrowfully. I can't believe that young boy just yelled at me like crazy out there. I didn't care anymore. I ripped the picture in half and threw it away. I lost….to Kinomoto Sakura.
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I grabbed a small backpack and stuffed my toothbrush and some clothing in it and ran out. I grabbed my keys and wallet. But I didn't know that Syaoran is waiting for me right outside my door.
"Where do you think you're going?'' he asked.
"Why do you care?" I pushed his arm away and ran for the door. My eyes were puffy and red.
"Because I love you Meilin!" He called from behind.
"Well, you know what?" I turned around and faced him. "I don't love you!"
"You don't mean that Meilin Rae!" He glanced at me.
"Yes I do." I grabbed the picture frame he gave me for Christmas and I slammed on the ground.
Syaoran's mouth turned into a huge O. He knew I loved that thing. It stabbed me in half as I threw it. But, he's out of my life now.
"I'll be getting the rest of my things in the morning. Have fun making out!" I slammed the door and ran and ran until I reached the nearest motel I can find.
I saw the sign and walked in.
"Hello, how can I help you?" The receptionist asked.
"Uh, I would like to have a room. One bed. Just tonight." I said.
"Okay, that would be 75 dollars. (A/N: It's American money!)"
"Sure." I grabbed my wallet and found a twenty a ten and some coins.
"I guess you don't have enough." She smiled. But it wasn't making me feel any better.
"Well, thanks anyway." I stepped out.
It was still raining hard. I tried to find an undercover area where I won't get SO soaked. But, there was no area around it. I ran towards the shrine. They always had that huge hollow tree where it's nice and warm inside. I ran to it and walked it. The tree was SO big it fitted me. And I am pretty tall for my age!
I walked in and saw a dry piece of wood. I sat down. Staring and thinking, how the hell was I supposed to go to sleep at a place like this? It's too small for my to lye down or anything like that. So, I walked out and hid under the leaves. I took my jacket off and covered myself. My lips were purple from the coldness. But, no matter what, I am not going back to the apartment. I am too hurt to do that. I didn't care if I freeze to death. A good way to die I guess……………….
*The next morning*
When I woke up, I wasn't sleeping in a pile of hay and my jacket. I was sleeping on a bed with a warm blanket. And the smell of pancakes filled the air. I realized I was back at home. I wasn't sure if this was a dream or was all last night a dream?
I stood up and realized I was a HUGE mess. I stepped in the bathroom and took a quick shower. I was all dressed and warm. I stepped into the kitchen. Finding Sayoran wearing an apron cooking pancakes.
"Good morning, Sayoran. I see you're all ready."
"Good morning." That was all he said, he didn't yell at me or anything.
He handed me a plate and motioned for me to eat. I did as told. I didn't know why he wasn't talking much. I gobbled it down and headed for my room.
"Where are you going?'' I asked as he headed for the door.
"Sakura's house." He smiled as he said the word 'Sakura'
"Hey, how did I get back home?" I asked.
"We'll talk about it when I get home."
"And when is that?"
"15 minutes later okay?" He sounded impatient.
"Okay."
I went back to my room and glanced around. There was mud trials made by my shoes probably. I grabbed a towel and began cleaning. After 10 minutes. I got rid of all the mud. I grabbed my suitcase again. And began packing. Non of us is acturelly fighting. But, I didn't feel like staying here after what I have caused. I felt really guilty since I started the stupid fight. But, I had enough with him and Sakura. That's the main reason I guess.
I grabbed all the picture frames and stuff and stuffed it in the suitcase. Let's just hope it doesn't break. I hope it doesn't. Lots of great memories in those little pictures. Lots of memories. But, then I heard the door open. I realized that Syaoran is back.
"Hey." I said gloomily.
"Hey."
"So, what do you want to talk bout?" I asked.
"I just want to ask you about the moving thing." He answered.
"So what? You don't care if I die. So what the hell is the point of this conversation?"
"Meilin!"
"What?"
"That's not how I feel."
"Just let me go and pack so I could get out of your life faster."
"No! Meilin. I don't want you to go."
"Uh, Syaoran. I am NOT stupid. I know you don't mean that."
"No Meilin. Just shut up for sec and let me talk okay?"
"Shoot."
"I don't want you to leave. You help around the apartment. That helps me a lot. I have school, work and Sakura. So I don't always have time to do the dishes and stuff like that an-"
"Oh great, now I am like your maid? I am so out of here." I stood up and was ready to walk.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me down.
"What?"
"Just listen up Meilin."
"Okay, I am listening. Say what you need to say now!"
"Okay, Meilin. Sakura is an very important part of my life. But, I still love you!"
"As what? Your favorite cousin? I fell so special!"
"I know you still love me, what you said last night isn't true is it?"
"What do you give a damn bout? Huh? You don't love me. Okay maybe you do as a cousin. But you love Sakura the most right now and I can't change that!"
"Yes you can! I love you Meilin. I realized that last night. I went to look for you after 10 minutes. I was worried. Meilin! Don't you know?"
"No I don't. You can never love me like the way you love Sakura. Your heart is taken. And mine is still empty. Even though if you DO have a change of heart which I doubt you will. How will you break up with Sakura huh? Answer that!" I smiled evilly. I grabbed my near backpack and ran towards the door.
"Sayonara, Syaoran. I lave leaving for good this time. I will come back for my stuff. Just leave it in the halls or something. And I'll get it!" I looked at my Syaoran for the last time and stepped out the door. I didn't hear footsteps chasing after me. But I stopped; I glanced back and forward, looking for a new passageway towards my new life.
It was still raining outside. Very hard too, it was pouring! I ran outside in the rain. Just out there looking for my new life.
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
I didn't know if I did the right thing by leaving my one and only hope of days. Everyday, when I am down, I see Syaoran standing there helping me to the top! Helping me up there. I paced around, thinking if I should go on with what I should be doing or should I go back and face Syaoran and tell him how I really feel.
I had two choices. My heart said to go find a new passage a new life. Leave this little dirty town. But, my soul………told me to go back to Syaoran. Who I truly love deep in my heart and soul. My soul is part of his. That's how I really feel. But, How can I?
I cried and cried wondering and looking for an answer. How am I suppose to choose which passage way? People say to go with your heart. But, I want to go with my soul. I ran back to the apartment and saw Syaoran halfway.
"Meilin. Listen to me! I am SORRY!"
"No, Syaoran. I am sorry. I am stupid I really am!"
"No, I am stupid and pathetic not understanding you at all!"
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal?
What we think
What we feel
Must there be a secret in me
I am forced to hide?
"Li Sayoran. I want to saying something Very important okay?"
"Sure."
"I love you! I love you since the first time I saw you, I don't just love you like a cousin but much much more! I don't care if you are with Sakura. I just want to be with you forever and ever."
"Really Meilin? Is that why you're so mad when I came home from everyone of my dates?" Syaoran smiled.
"I am not mad. I just hid my heart deep inside. Now I let it free and told you what I really feel." I inched closer and closer to him. I kissed him passionately. I loved the feeling of it. I never want it to end.
"I love you to Meilin. But I didn't know if I really did or not." Syaoran smiled.
"But, what about Sakura?" I asked.
Just then, Sakura walked by. She had no expression on her face. She isn't smiling or frowning.
Syaoran was caught between Sakura and me. I will walk away. I had my kiss. I will leave. I turned around and began to walk.
"Where are you going?" Syaoran asked.
"I don't know. But, I know I will see you guys on your wedding day." I smiled.
"No!" Syaoran called after me.
"Sakura is the one that you really loves. I will tell you to go with her. It will be stupid of you not to." I smiled. But inside I am stabbed in three hundred ways.
"I love you Meilin!" Syaoran smiled.
"I love you too." I left. I couldn't bare the sight of Syaoran of Sakura inching together.
*
5 years later**dum dum dum* the wedding march was on. Yes, we're at a church. Waiting for the bride to appear. I wiped a tear of me. My Syaoran was getting married……to Sakura. No matter what, if a person truly loves someone, they would do their best to make them happier. No matter what it causes them. I wiped the tears off myself. I am happy for Syaoran and that is all that's matters. And I know he will love Sakura very much!
But, still. I love you forever and I always will………….
I glanced down at that picture we took when we are twelve years old. Yup, I taped it back together…. I just hope you still feels the same Syaoran.
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This is exactly what I feel everyday and night. Except that I don't have a guy like Syaoran to help me get through it. My heart is being stabbed 700 different ways. I cried when I wrote this. E-mail me if you have any questions about his fic okay?
Darkness_of_death@hotmail.com thank you…….
Oh yeah new website check it out! http://connect.to/anime_desktop/