Starved
By: Crusher1701
Word Count: 794
Summary: Mae feels starvation from affection because of Loxley.

Mae sat on her bed looking at the note that had come from Harry that day. She wanted so badly to attend this new event at the store (oh, how she loved events at Selfridge's), but she knew that Loxley would be reluctant to allow her attendance. She believed that he still suspected an affair between her and Harry; though it was completely absurd. No matter how starved she was, she could never sleep with Harry. She was starved now, more than ever before; not the type of starvation that didn't affect the people of her social status, but starvation from affection. She'd had multiple lovers both before & during her marriage, but there was rarely the affection that she desired from these affairs. She knew a man like Harry could give her the affection she craved, but there was no chance of that ever happening.
She placed the note of her bedside table and laid down, her back to the door. Victor had been affectionate, but had only been with her in the hopes of a personal gain, then again he hadn't been enough to quench her hunger for affection. Tony had been exciting in the beginning, but he had become a handful as time went on; spending her husband's money on alcohol and his gambling habit. Her other lovers had been much the same. She needed passion, excitement and affection that wouldn't wane. Somehow, she kept thinking back to Harry in her starved state. She was never the type or woman to think of sexual intimacy as something wrong, but with Harry, it would be wrong. Harry & Rose were her two dearest friends and Rosalie was so bright and young, and Mae loved helping her in any way she could. Thinking about Harry in this way was wrong and a betrayal to the people she held most dear.
And the more Mae thought about it, the more she realized that she and Harry would never work together as lovers. Friends and business partners were the only two relationships that she and Harry could maintain with one another. She needed a man that was like Harry, but not like Harry at the same time. A good, kind man who would never hurt her like Loxley had.
Thinking back to when she had first married Loxley, she had thought that she had made the right decision, but now it was evident that she had indeed made the worst choice possible. Could she truly be the source of her own unhappiness? Was it really her fault that she was unhappy with Loxley? She had accepted Loxley because she didn't want to be a Gaiety girl anymore and Loxley had money. She knew that he didn't love her and she certainly didn't love him.
Richard Chapman could have loved her, if she had truly let him, but the second that money had come knocking, she had taken that offer instead of love, and it was truly one of the biggest regrets of her life.
Tears came to her eyes as she thought about all her past lovers. Richard had been good to her, Tony had been good to her, Victor had been good to her, but her past and fear of Loxley had caused her to essentially push them away. She felt as though there were really no point to her life anymore. Married women in her social position didn't really have lives, which made her feel superfluous most of the time, except for the precious times when she was at Selfridge's, which she longed for almost as much as she longed for affection. She missed eating in the Palm Court restaurant, looking at all the new clothing and accessories that she would purchase with her husband's money. She missed the staff, many of whom were like friends to her. She trusted them and they knew how to make her happy every time she visited. But now, she was almost completely cut off from the people she cared for and the people who knew how to keep her happy.
She couldn't even have an affair with any man at present, not whilst Loxley was in town. One wrong move and his hand would be across her face in a heartbeat. But she still needed affection to counter Loxley's hold on her. As long as Loxley was in town, she wouldn't be able to properly feel affection and it really hurt.
Whether or not someone could die from being starved of affection, Mae didn't know; but she didn't exactly feel like finding out. But if it was possible and Loxley didn't leave town soon, Lady Mae Loxley knew that she would die of starvation from affection, and that was the last way she wanted to die.

finis.