She felt it like rocks dropping to the bottom of her stomach causing the butterflies to die. A wall of heat crushed her chest when the door swung open to the classroom, and suddenly Kitty found herself suffocating. A whine caught itself scratching up her throat, and the girl clasped her hands tightly over her mouth and nose as she peeked up to look towards the door to get another look. All it took was a glimpse and Kitty was burying her head in her arms. Lucky for her that the other students didn't put their attention on Kitty's jerky movements, but instead it was diverted to the new girl entering the classroom twenty minutes late. Kitty hated her.
"Marley, I'm so sorry." She was pushing gently at the sticky brown hair that framed the girl's face. Kitty bit her lip, staring intently at Marley's closed eyes as if staring could stir the sleeping beauty form her slumber. Marley hadn't woken up since her arrival at the hospital 24-hours ago and Kitty knew it was all her fault. The sudden itching in her stomach caught her by surprise when she hadn't seen Marley in school, but Kitty had reasoned she was just hungry or annoyed that the other girl hadn't recovered yet. However, she soon found herself in the hospital at Marley's side within thirty minutes after fourth period.
"This is all my fault." She whispered, the words catching in her throat and coming out more of a growled husk.
"Staring at her won't wake her up. I would know." Kitty jumped when she heard the voice, and snapped her head around to glare at the intruder. It was short brunette who leaned up against the doorframe with her arms crossed. She was watching Kitty curiously while her eyes flicked down to Marley's face - Kitty didn't like it.
"Who are you?" She eyed the girl not as if she was frightened by the stranger, but because she suddenly felt an overwhelming sensation to protect the sleep-locked Marley.
"I'm Rachel Berry… Q-Quinn sent me." Kitty caught the hitch in the girl's voice.
Marley had soft brown eyes that matched her hair, and sometimes Kitty wanted to braid the long strands while Marley slept - but most of the time Kitty wanted to poke her eyes and yank her hair. The strong sensation she had when she first met Marley was funneled into hate and organizing slushie attacks against the newborn enemy. Marley may have been poor with a whale of a mother, but Kitty could see she was loved almost instantly by anyone who bothered to talk to her. It was something Kitty didn't have. She was nothing when she came home, just a fuck up that was the result of a broken condom. Kitty had to prove herself in school or she would never compensate for her accidental being. Marley didn't have to prove herself.
"What would you know? What would Quinn know?" She growled it, going back to run her gaze over Marley's facial structure.
"I know what it's like to almost lose someone you love." A beat.
Kitty's face was twisted as she snarled at Rachel, her eyes almost feral. "I do not love her. I don't know who you are Goblin Nose, and clearly you don't know who I am."
Rachel twisted her fingers, looking down at the tile before she stepped into the room. If Kitty was a wolf she'd be growling but instead she was glaring with a gaze almost identical to Quinn's. Rachel swallowed hard. There was the same sadness and hidden pain, the familiar ache that shot across for a millisecond before it was gone, and even the dark storm clouds that raged within. It was almost Quinn's icy stare, but Quinn had a quiet softness that sparked in her eyes when she looked at Rachel. It was the closet Rachel ever got to an 'I love you.'
"Then why are you here?" Rachel ventured, watching as all the air was sucked out of the younger girl.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - but Kitty didn't have any friends. She had people that feared her and people that hated her, but she didn't have a person that cared for her. Sometimes she flirted with the idea that Marley did care, with her soft spoken words and kind eyes. That idea scared Kitty. She didn't want someone to care for her now, she didn't need anyone to - no matter how much she craved for it. She had to make sure it never happened. Jealousy and resentment for one's self is a cruel mix, and Kitty fell victim to the dark emotions before high school began. She wanted Marley to feel her pain, and knew it would be easy to convince her. A voice whispered it was wrong to make Marley feel insecure and inflict self-harm, but Kitty didn't care. She wanted - no needed - someone else to feel her pain.
When she first saw Marley in the skin-tight hero costume, the butterflies in her stomach stirred under the weight of the rocks. Kitty steadied herself, trying to clear her head from the sudden fog as she looked at Marley and smiled, genuinely smiled; she looked perfect. Kitty's brow furrowed slightly, and Marley caught the movement.
"D-does it look bad?" She checked in the mirror, "It does. I can't do this." Kitty was staring at the slight peekings of Marley's bone, and she wondered how far Marley was actually going with the eating disorder. Kitty hadn't thought the girl would be this vigorous in trying to expel her nonexistent body fat, but she was clearly wrong. She was actually worried. No, she wouldn't dare start feeling the emotions she had blocked out for years because of one stupid girl.
"No, no! You look fine!" She reached for Marley before she could stop herself, grabbing the other girl's arms. "Even pretty." There is a thin line between hate and love, and Kitty was desperately trying to keep her balance as she walked the tightrope.
She didn't have an answer for Rachel; she didn't have an answer for herself. Kitty was caught off guard again, and by another brunette. Maybe that was her kryptonite. She swallowed hard, trying to compose herself.
"It's okay, you know? It's okay to let yourself be cared for, and care in return." Rachel tip-toed around the word 'love', not wanting to be victim to another lashing of Kitty's cold words. She could trace the tiredness arching across Kitty's body, and she doubted anyone had before except for maybe Marley. Rachel could only see it because she was able to remember seeing Quinn's for the first time. It was there, written plainly across the blondes' bodies, from being tired of keeping up with lies to hide their real selves. Quinn still hid behind those lies, but Rachel hoped she could help Kitty before it was too late, but maybe it already was.
"I did this…" Kitty's back was turned to Rachel, and the words were almost lost with their soft whisper, but Rachel managed to catch them. She waited, wondering if Kitty would elaborate, but suddenly the other girl was slouching in the chair next to Marley's bed with her hands covering her face. The hiccuped sobs were unhidden, and soon turned into breathless tears as Kitty cried for something she could never understand.
Rachel realized why Quinn had sent for her instead of taking care of the situation herself. Kitty's actions were too close to home for her, and Quinn still wasn't able to face her own. Rachel however had come to terms with her feelings, she had understood them when she saw Quinn laying still in her hospital bed after the accident. However, when Rachel closed her eyes when she reached her own bed after staring at Quinn's immobile body for hours, she realized she knew her feelings had been there all along, and so had Quinn's.
"Sometimes it takes pain for something to grow." This caught Kitty's attention.
"How do you know? I've had pain my entire life, and I just wanted someone else to feel it. I didn't think it'd happen like this, I didn't want it to happen like this." The last part was a whisper, more of an admittance for Kitty's own self instead of Rachel.
"I-I know what it's like to be tormented and ridiculed. To feel like you're being punished, but you're not for sure how to be rewarded." Rachel sat down in the chair next to the door, while she watched Kitty draw up her knees and hide her face in them. "It hurts to let another person in, because you don't know if they'll hurt, and you've already been hurt so many times. Instead of trying be with the person I liked, I turned to stupid boys and convinced myself I lov- cared, for them more. It made things worse."
It was a few minutes before Kitty looked up at Rachel, her eyes red and big. "I'm awful, and I don't deserve her." Then Kitty untangled herself from the chair and picked up her bag, heading towards the door.
"Kitty…" Came Rachel's plea.
"I'm just a fuck up that nobody wants, and there's a reason for it." Then Kitty was gone