A/N: Happy Holidays! I hope everyone's winter holidays are going swimmingly. My gift to you is this little thing, which went from something I had promised myself to write last month but was dreading writing to something I really enjoyed writing. Like, hey, I made this! Hey! IDK, I hope anyone whose mental illness(es) is(are) set off by the holidays can relate to this, I wrote this for you guys as much as I wrote it for everyone else.
Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent, Christmas, homosexuality, etc.
"I hate this holiday."
Caleb looked up from the outlet where he was plugging the tree lights in. He furrowed his eyebrows, staring at his boyfriend. "Why?"
Peter shrugged and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I don't know. I just always have."
Caleb wiggled his arm and connected the plug to the outlet. The tree came to life, and Peter clapped sarcastically. Caleb stood up and shoved him playfully. "Kind of surprising. I mean, there's presents, cold weather, and good food. You love all those things."
Peter rolled his eyes. "Not put together. But I can understand why you love this time of year. Christmas in Abnegation must have been pretty boring, right? No presents, that's self-indulgent. Same goes with food. I bet you guys just had to go to church and, like, stare at the statue of Jesus and thank him for his martyrdom."
"Did you guys even have religion in Candor?"
Peter scratched his nose and shrugged. His eyes scanned the wall behind Caleb, painted different colors by the lights. "Not really, no. It strays us from the truth or whatever. Something like that. But everyone did Christmas, because, you know, secularization. And presents."
"Maybe you're just not in the Christmas spirit."
Peter chuckled and looked down. "Did they do it in Erudite? I bet not. It's illogical, right? Impractical? And I bet they're atheistic too. I-"
Caleb shook his head. "Stop talking. You're rambling. Something's making you nervous. What is it?"
Peter looked up. "Sorry," he said and looked back down.
Caleb walked over to Peter and put his arm around his shoulders, so that they both faced the same direction, towards the tree. His hand looked pale against Peter's black winter coat. "What's wrong, Peter? You can tell me."
Peter exhaled. "Doesn't it just kind of… like… the whole presents thing? Just giving for no reason? It doesn't make you just kind of… uncomfortable?" Under his hand, Caleb thought he could feel Peter's shoulder shaking.
"No, Peter. It makes me feel good, actually, to give for no reason and with nothing in return."
Peter swallowed and looked at him. His voice came out a hoarse whisper. "Really?"
"What?" He rubbed his hand on Peter's upper arm and turned to face him.
"It's like, I didn't do anything to deserve this, why are you giving it to me?" Peter's eyes briefly flashed up to Caleb, but then shot back down. Caleb grabbed his hand, ignoring how cold and sweaty it was, and put it between his own two.
It seemed kind of silly to him that Peter was getting so worked up about something that came so simple to him and, well, most people. "It's okay, Peter." He laced his fingers in Peter's and sunk his head to look into Peter's downcast eyes.
Peter looked up suddenly, his eyes wide. "No, it's not. I just don't get it. I don't want anything, I didn't do anything for you."
"Yes, you did, Peter. At least, in theory. If you give me something, I'll give you something back. That's how it works."
Peter tapped his foot and held onto Caleb's hand tighter. "But what if I get you something that doesn't matter as much to you as your gift to me does? What do I do then?" Caleb thought he saw tears in his eyes. He caught them with his own.
"It doesn't matter," he said, eyes locked. "It's the fact that you got me something that matters. It's that you were thinking of me that counts. Not what you got me."
"But, like, some things require more thought than others. Can't we just, like, tell each other what we're getting each other?" He was shaking visibly.
"No, Peter. That ruins the magic."
"There is no magic!" he yelled. "It's just one day of the year. Just like any other day. The only difference is I don't feel like throwing up every other day!" He ripped himself out of Caleb's grasp and started to walk away, but Caleb went after him and tugged him back, pulling him into a hug. Peter didn't pull away, but he didn't return it, either. He pressed his hands to his ears and started crying onto Caleb's shoulder, literally.
"I'm sorry," Caleb whispered. "It's okay."
"I can't eat. I can't sleep. Barely. I just… I hate it so much."
"Christmas?"
"Gift-giving. Owing people." He pulled away suddenly and wiped his face with his sleeve. "God, I'm such a mess. I'm sorry."
"No, you're not. You're my best friend. And I'm sorry I pressured you or made you feel nervous. I just really want something to share with you. I like you, a lot. I wanted us to have a special day, and spend time together. And I want you to feel good, especially 'cause you've felt like such crap the last few weeks." It was true. After his unsuccessful attempt at a memory reset, he seemed off, like he was trying to be someone else. He was nicer, but apparently at the cost of his peace of mind. When Caleb asked him to be his boyfriend, he went kind of manic and tore up his apartment in glee.
"It's not you. It's me."
"Don't apologize for how you feel. How about this? I'll tell you what I'm giving you. It's really easy to repay. I can give it to you right now, actually."
Peter nodded. "Okay."
Caleb's heart pounded in his ears. It had just come to him right now, but spur-of-the-moment gifts were the best, right?
He tugged on Peter's coat and pressed his lips to Peter's.
Apparently eager to repay, Peter moaned a little and kissed back. His lips were soft and tasted like chocolate and peppermint put together. The way he kissed Caleb, it was like he expected it.
When it was over, Caleb gazed at Peter, holding his hand. His heart beat so fast it was like it was going to burst out of his chest. He had never felt like that before.
"I have one for you," Peter said. His hand wasn't nearly as cold or clammy now. "I think it's equal in weight, but I don't know, 'cause I don't have a lot of experience with this whole thing."
"Okay."
Peter laced his fingers with Caleb's in his other hand and looked in his eyes. "I love you."
The fuzz ball on Beatrice's Santa hat bobbed as she tore through the wrapping paper on the present. It was from Tobias.
She opened a small box to find a silver ring with a blue jewel on it. She showed it to everyone sitting in their circle around Tobias' gigantic tree. She smiled and gave him a kiss, and everyone sort of went 'awwww', Caleb included, even though he didn't really like the gesture, especially when it involved his sister.
She reached in and pulled out the very last gift. It was a rectangular box in green-and-red striped wrapping paper. "To Peter, from Christina," she read, and handed it to Peter, who tensed up under Caleb's hand on his shoulder. Caleb moved his hand to Peter's back and kept him steady. They had gone over this several hundred times in the last few days. Caleb had helped him with shopping, and to his surprise, Peter had only freaked out once, not including the initial anxiety attack.
"Thanks," he said cautiously and took the present. He looked confused, not meeting the grinning Christina's eyes. She sat across the circle, between Beatrice and Cara. He opened the white box and found a pair of glasses with rectangular frames.
The whole circle looked puzzled except for Peter and Christina, who both laughed. "You're always complaining about how you can't see, so I decided to shut you up," she said. "Merry Christmas." He extended his hand as she drew hers, and they shook, traditional Candor greeting. Old habits die hard, Caleb guessed.
"So the only people who haven't exchanged gifts to one another are you two," said Beatrice, nodding to Peter and Caleb. "What's that about?"
Caleb laughed. "We gave them a few days ago. We actually got exactly what we wanted, both of us." Peter placed a box between the two of them, and laid his hand palm-down on the carpet behind it. Caleb's found his way there and held Peter's, tight.
"You did good today," Caleb told Peter in the car outside Tobias' place. "I'm really proud of you."
Peter looked up from behind the steering wheel and smiled. He turned the key in the ignition and started the car. "Really?" His eyes looked bigger than usual in his glasses.
Caleb nodded and took Peter's hand. "I love you," he said.
Peter leaned in and kissed him. Caleb reciprocated the gesture and put his hand on the back of Peter's neck to hold him still. He tore Peter's glasses off with the other and shoved them in the door handle. Peter grabbed Caleb's hand as it crossed his face and laced his fingers in Caleb's. Caleb lifted the other hand and ran it through Peter's hair, which was significantly longer than his own.
Caleb already had his tongue in when the very long kiss was interrupted. Not by one of them, but by an external force. Three loud tapping noises.
Caleb shot up and wrapped his arm around Peter's shoulders, pulling him close.
Tobias waved at him through the driver's seat window, flanked by Tris and Christina, who were covering their mouths and giggling. Cara's blonde head peeked up behind them - his boss and sister had both just witnessed him making out with his boyfriend. On Christmas. Great.
Caleb leaned past Peter and pressed the button to roll down the window. Tobias stuck his head in. "Everything alright here?" he asked, smiling.
"Yeah, we're fine," said Caleb. His cheeks flushed with warmth. He kind of just wanted to disappear.
"How long has it been?" asked Christina, cutting short an awkward silence that thankfully had only lasted a few seconds.
"Two weeks," Caleb replied, trying to seem casual even though he had never been more embarrassed in his life.
"Yeah," said Peter, his tone even. He turned to Caleb just long enough for him to see that his face was of completely normal color. He placed a hand on Caleb's knee. "I wanted someone to hug when I cried and I kind of fell in love. Sorry."
"How long were you watching?" asked Caleb, looking at Tris in particular.
"A good thirty seconds, I'd reckon," Tobias answered.
Peter fished around in the door pocket for his glasses. "Well, any questions? If not, I'd like to get going. It's Christmas. And, you know, the two of us have unfinished business."
"Merry Christmas," said Tobias. The girls waved. Peter rolled up the window and buckled his seatbelt.
"That was fun," said Peter as they turned a corner, nearing Caleb's apartment complex. "Wasn't it?"
"Everyone knows now," said Caleb, twiddling his thumbs.
"Isn't that a good thing? I want everyone to know. Maybe it's my Christmas gift to you."
Caleb shoved him playfully. "So now you're all about gifts!"
They turned into the relatively empty parking lot. "Want me to come up with you?" Peter asked. Caleb still didn't know how to drive. His workplace was just a few minutes walking distance from his apartment, but he hadn't gotten around to taking driving lessons like Peter had.
"Yeah, I have a gift for you. But you won't need to feel bad about this one."
"Is it a blowjob?" Peter asked as he slammed the car door shut. Caleb chuckled and led him up the stairs and down the hallway to his apartment, hands over his eyes.
Caleb slipped a card into Peter's hands once they were in the home and removed his hands from Peter's eyes. Peter answered his question. "It's a therapist."
"Best one in town," said Caleb, his fingers on Peter's forearm. "Former Amity, sensitivity trained and specializing in teenage patients. And covered by your insurance. Your first appointment is next Monday."
"How long have you had this planned?"
Caleb placed his hand on the wall Peter was leaning against. "Four, five days."
"Since my freakout when you plugged in the tree?"
"Yeah," he said, playing with Peter's hair to placate him. "I've had the idea for a little longer, though."
"I don't need a therapist. Or, I do. I mean, yeah, I do. We all do. But I don't want one. I don't think I can. You're the only person I've ever really opened up to. It just happens, Caleb, naturally. It can't be forced."
"It's okay," said Caleb, repeating what had become his mantra for dealing with Peter's slew of issues. "This is my gift to you. And you can repay me by talking to her, okay? Every Monday. About anything, and you don't even have to tell me about it. Just do it. For me. Because I love you."
He kissed him again, and for some reason, this one had a sense of finality to it.
"I love you, Peter."
"I love you, Caleb."
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas."
A/N: They love each other, but at WHAT COST? Yeah, I wrote this to put myself and my readers in the festive spirit, but it turned into a hurt/comfort thing and ended leaving you aware of how manipulative Caleb can be. I don't know, kind of like a Christmas Divergent Gone Girl? Maybe it's festive, hurt/comfort, and messed up at the same time? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone reading this! I love y'all!