First off: I don't own Harry Potter. None of the characters so far are mine.
Secondly: Please review at the end of this and let me know what you think. If you don't like it please let me know why. I like constructive criticism. But please read and I hope you all enjoy!
Not Wanting What You Need
Lily sat with her back turned to the window and looked at the heavy envelope in her hand. Head girl. She'd thought she'd be excited when she opened the letter. Wasn't this everything that she had wanted? Everything that she had been working towards? But she felt empty. She felt nothing, and she was so sick of that. Only a few weeks before school would start, but Lily couldn't wait. Couldn't wait to leave this flat with it's closed walls and small rooms. To leave this life she didn't want, but still not sure she wanted the life that was being thrust upon her.
She hadn't ever wanted to be different, she hadn't ever pretended when she was younger that she had magical powers and could leave this life. That's not what life was like. Even though she'd finally been adopted after being shuttled through foster homes at the age of nine, she'd known that her 'real' parents weren't living in some distant country, wondering where their stolen baby was. There wasn't happily-ever-afters or fairy tales. Then she'd gotten a letter telling her that she was accepted to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy and she was sure it was a joke. Doris and Glen had been just as surprised, but Lily had known that their excitement over her being accepted to boarding school was more excitement over her leaving for the larger part of the year. Not that they weren't great people, but she wasn't the easiest person to live with. They'd known that when they'd adopted her and thought that with enough love they'd be able to crack that shell. Nine years later they had finally quit trying.
Hogwarts hadn't been what she was expecting, and magic was easier than she had thought it would be. It was the only thing that had ever come to her naturally. But it wasn't soon before she realized that life here was the same as anywhere else. She was still an outcast, a mud-blood. She still didn't fit it. That at least Lily and grown to expect. She hadn't wanted to make friends, to let people into her life that had no right to be there. Not that she was rude or hostile, she just didn't put forth an effort. All she had to worry about was herself, and she'd taken to studying to keep people to stay away. It was easier than actually having to talk to them. The girls in her dorm had soon realized that it wasn't worth the effort, so by second year they'd thankfully stopped acting like they cared.
When she'd been asked to be a Prefect she at first had shunned away from the responsibility. She didn't want people to be counting on her, she didn't want to spend her precious alone time with the other Prefects, pretending that talking to them was something she actually wanted to do. But she had done it, and realized she was actually rather good at it. At pretending that she was excited or happy about certain events going on at school, at the superficial conversations required. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this. If she wanted this. Head girl. Still not able to wrap her head around the idea she placed the badge back in the envelope and lay down on her bed, looking up at the ceiling. This was not what she had had in mind for her last year.
Groaning she got out of bed, grabbed the list of supplies she would need for the oncoming semester and went down the hall to the kitchen.
"Afternoon, Lily." Doris said, smiling. She was always smiling, whether she felt it or not. "Any plans for the day?"
Lily looked over and gave a small smile. "Was thinking about heading out and getting some supplied. For school."
Nodding Doris took some cookies out from the oven. "That should be fine. Dinner is at five."
She continued bustling around the kitchen but looked over and was surprised to still see Lily standing by the door, looking down at the floor. "Are you alright?"
Lily didn't say anything for a moment but then looked up, her face blank. "I'm head girl this year."
"That's exciting. I'm sure you must be looking forward to it." She didn't sound excited though. It was the same tone of voice she'd used when saying the time of dinner.
"Yeah. Well…I'm off. I may not be home for dinner."
"Alright. Try to call if you can't."
"Alright."
Lily sighed as she walked out of the flat and down the stairs and out into London. Yeah, she would be glad to get back to Hogwarts.
Sitting in the compartment, all to herself, Lily sighed happily. She hadn't thought of the perk of being Head Girl. The solitude that she would have. Her own compartment, her own bathroom, her own room. It was going to be heaven. The head boy hadn't bothered to show up yet, but that didn't worry her. She had no issues being on her own and was better off that way anyway. Her legs were sprawled out on the seat next to her and she had pillows propped up behind her head. She was listening to her walkman while reading a book. Heaven on a train.
When the door cracked open she wasn't completely surprised to see who stuck his head in, she had just thought that there might be some justice in the world. As usual, she was wrong. She hurriedly sat up and pulled the earphones off her head.
James Potter grinned cheekily and let himself in. "I'd apologize for being late, but I'm not all that sorry."
"Not surprising." Lily said shortly, wanting to fix her appearance and smooth her hair, but not wanting to give him the satisfaction of thinking he had ruffled her.
James just looked at her and smiled again, then sat on the seat across from her. "Not surprised at all? To be honest I was."
"You've been a prefect the past two years, you have the highest marks in the school, and most people worship the ground you walk on. So no, not so surprised."
"I'm not at all surprised you are."
"A compliment, Potter. You sure do know how to make me melt."
"Oh I'm saving that for later, seeing how we get to spend hours of time alone together." His hazel eyes twinkled mischievously. "Just think of how much fun we'll have planning activities."
Lily raised her eyebrows. She'd heard him use that same tone when asking Penelope Fischer out. "When you talk like that I just can't resist. Remember to schedule us having wild passionate sex on that schedule of yours and I'll see if I can fit you in."
It was James' turn to raise his eyebrows now. "Touché."
"Can we just cut the crap, talk about a few of the things we need to, and then stay as far away from each other as possible; 'cause that would really be ideal for me."
"And I just love to make things easy for you." Now his eyes looked somewhat dangerous, but he was smiling again. It reminded Lily of programs on the television where the stupid prey would get lured into traps and then killed. It was a good thing she wasn't stupid.
"First Prefect meeting, what works for you?" She asked coldly getting out a notebook from her bag, ignoring him as she had been prone to do for the past six years.
"A week into classes? That way it gives people time to work into their schedule, know how much time they gave give to patrols and other responsibilities."
Lily looked up. "That's rather intelligent of you, Potter. I may end up being surprised after all. But it's probably a good thing I don't believe in people changing though, isn't it?"
"I'd just hate to prove your whole idea of me wrong. Rather me say just screw meetings in the first place. Authority is over rated?"
She almost smiled, but caught herself after the first twitch of her mouth. "Now there is the Potter I know."
He grinned and it was that dangerous look again, "This year could be surprising for all of us."
James groaned as he sprawled onto his bed in the boy's dorm room. Sure he had the option of his own room, but why not spend time with your mates when you had the chance. He hadn't been at all surprised when he'd seen Lily had chosen to have her own room, however. He'd always noticed she liked to distances herself from other people. Maybe that's why he kept trying to push the bubble she had around herself.
Sirius was sitting on his bed looking over at him. "Meeting go that well."
"She's going to drive me mad."
Remus laughed. "That's not too surprising. She's been doing it for years."
"I thought I was over it."
"You mean your not?" Sirius looked over at Remus and laughed again. "Never would have suspected. I mean most of the summer was Evans this, Lily that, stupid bitch whatever. Never would have thought that you were still thinking about her."
"I just…" He groaned again and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm just so sick of watching her and trying to understand what she's like. I want to just get to know her. I…..she's so frustrating!"
Sirius and Remus were both just laughing.
"It's not funny." James glowered over to them. "This, this is hell."
"And you put yourself through it year after year." Remus stated.
"Just a tad ironic." Sirius added.
"Yeah well this year it's going to be different. This year it might just be her that gets told to kiss the giant squid."
The boys just started laughing and James glared at them. "Oh sod off."
James stood outside of the door to her room and could have sworn he'd been there for five minutes. He hated the idiot he became in front of her. But it was going to different this time. Not just because he'd promised himself it would be, but he was not going to go back to that room with the laughing idiots without something to give him hope. Finally he managed to bring his hand up and knocked.
He heard bustling around, like as if the sound had surprised the person inside so much she'd fallen off whatever she'd been on and then tried to correct it. It made him smile to remember that she was human. She wasn't just some untouchable goddess.
The door opened a crack and Lily poked her head out, thinking perhaps it was McGonagall and not wanting her to see the mess her room already was. Her face changed completely when she saw who it was.
"Oh. It's…you."
"Yep." He smiled and put his hands in his pocket but didn't say anything else. Just stood there, trying not to look stupid but from the look on her face he wasn't succeeding.
"And you want what?" She kept the door closed and ran a hand through her hair, then noticed the movement and brought it quickly back down to her side.
"I thought we should talk."
"Yep. Talk."
"You want me, and you, to talk."
He smiled and the slight dimple on his left cheek appeared. "Do we need to go over that again or is it clear?"
She looked at him, confused, and then as if realizing that she was showing emotion her face blanked again. "I don't really see why we need to talk, Potter. Everything was discussed on the train."
"James."
She looked at him confused again.
"My name. It's James."
"I know what your name is."
"Then use it."
She tilted her head at him, as if sizing him up and then opened the door. "Alright, James, you want to talk. Talk. But the minute I don't want to talk you anymore you're out."
James grinned cheekily and then sauntered in, hands still in his pocket.
"And don't look so proud, 'cause I won't even think before shoving you out that door."
He took his hands out of his pocket and up into the air as if in surrender. "I just think that if we're going to be working together closely this year we should start out on new footing. Just…forget the past six years or whatever."
She raised an eyebrow and looked over at him again. "We don't have to really work together that often Po-- James. You do your part and I'll do my part and everything gets done. We save the world. The school is happy."
"If you want to do it that way we can." He shrugged.
This was not what she had been expecting. She had always known James played games and manipulated people into doing what he wanted them to do while they smiled the whole time thinking it was what they had wanted to do the whole time, but she couldn't see where this was leading.
"What do you want?"
"I'm just here to discus with you how you want to go about this whole working together or not together thing."
"Potter, one thing I don't appreciate in people is bullshit. So if you're going to talk to me I'd appreciate it if you could at least be honest."
James smiled. He really did live for these episodes where he knew he'd effected her in some way she hadn't wanted him to. "James, remember?"
"What the hell do you want….James?" It came out tersely and she was annoyed that she was letting him upset her, that he was still one of the few who could.
"Honestly?"
She nodded. "I don't think you're being honest, you're out. Because I have much better things I could be doing."
"Alright." He looked her straight into the eye and noticed that her green eyes wavered for a moment before looking back at him. He loved her eyes. The clear green with no other color. Just green. But if you looked long enough you could imagine there was something else. And it was really only her eyes that showed emotion. Her eyes that had drawn him in the first place when he's wondered how someone could look so found but have eyes that looked so completely lost. She still hadn't lost that.
She raised her eyebrows in frustration. "I'm still waiting. You've got ten seconds before—"
"I want to be friends."
Lily took a few steps back and just looked at him. "Pardon me?"
He walked closer to her and looked him in the eye. "I want to be friends. Is that too much to ask for."
"I don't need friends Potter." She turned her back on him and went back to the book that had been thrown halfway across the room when the sound of the door had shocked her. "Now get out."
James didn't even fight her about it, and that startled her. She'd been expecting that. Had even been ready for that. Instead he just walked out and shut the door, and for some reason she was disappointed, but wasn't quite ready to think about the reason why. She would have been surprised by the look on his face. It wasn't depressed or upset. He was smiling. And when he walked into the dorm he smiled as his friends looked up.
"I got her to call me James."
Alright, so that's it for now. I'm not going to be finishing my other stories. Sorry to those of you who've read my other fics. I was a lot younger when I did Boy Against Girl, and I'd have to totally revamp it to make it any good. But I am back on this one, and I do plan to finish it.
Please review and let me know what you think. Reviews are a writers best friend! Let me know if you even want me to continue!! Please! (I will resort to begging). So PLEASE review (can I stress it more??)