The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters as gotten drunk somewhere. This takes place right after the story Shut Up And Drive.
The Happenings At Happenings
"How is this my fault?" Mallory asked as she and Ron entered a bar. "You're the one who drove too fast and got a ticket for speeding!"
"That's because you were driving me crazy!" Ron snapped.
"And you were driving terribly!" Mallory told him as they sat down at a table. "Why did you pick this place? What's the name of it again? Happenings? Sounds tacky."
"We've been here before and you liked it!" Ron snapped.
"I was?" Mallory asked.
"Yeah you were," Cheryl's voice was heard. "Well you liked the wine."
"What the…?" Mallory turned around and saw Cheryl, Pam, Ray and Krieger all dressed up at a nearby table. They had a lot of food and some bottles of bourbon on their table.
"Hello!" Krieger waved.
"Bon Appetit," Ray raised his glass.
"What's shakin' bacon?" Pam asked.
"What are you idiots doing here?" Mallory asked. "And follow up, how can you afford to be drinking expensive bourbon? And eating like Louis the Fourteenth through Sixteenth?"
"Because A, Cheryl owns the joint in case you've forgotten," Pam spoke up.
"Which you obviously have," Ray added.
"And B," Pam added. "We're getting all this on Cheryl's tab in exchange for some good reviews for her restaurant."
"Well put me down for a Cobb salad and…" Mallory began.
"Nooooooope," Cheryl said. "I'll put Ron on my tab but you are on your own."
"In that case I'll take a steak medium rare," Ron grinned. "And a nice glass of red wine."
"You can't drink!" Mallory snapped. "You're driving!"
"Mallory," Ron looked at her. "What I drink in one night is nothing compared to what you drink in an afternoon! I suspect your blood alcohol level is now permanently over the legal limit."
"You already got one ticket for speeding," Mallory snapped.
"I never got a ticket for speeding until tonight!" Ron shouted. "Coincidence! I think not!"
"What?" Pam asked.
"Fast Eddie over here was driving too fast!" Mallory pointed at Ron. "We missed the opera because this idiot doesn't know how to use directions or to slow down!"
"Why don't you tell them the other part?" Ron asked. "The part where when we finally got to the opera we found out that we couldn't get in!"
"What did she do?" Pam snorted. "Buy the wrong tickets?"
"Right tickets, wrong night!" Ron snapped. "Those tickets were for a week ago!"
"Wow!" Cheryl laughed. "You really are getting senile Ms. Archer."
"I still have more brain cells than you have, Drunky Brewster!" Mallory snapped. "Hang on. I see Idiot Brigade is down two members. Lana I'm guessing because she is actually being with her child. But where's Cyril? Who likes to pout like a child?"
"Did we forget Cyril?" Krieger asked. "I know I did."
"He's either looking at porn or trying online dating again," Pam told him. "Either way his date is going to be a box of tissues and some hand sanitizer."
"Manuel!" Cheryl called out to a handsome Hispanic waiter. "Manuel take the orders of those people. The old bat can pay for her own stuff but Ron is on my tab!"
"Carol even I know you can't call a Hispanic waiter Manuel," Mallory said.
"Unless his name is Manuel," The good-looking waiter said. "Which it is."
"Oh," Ron blinked. "Then I'll have a steak with a loaded baked potato, medium rare and a glass of red wine."
"Any particular vintage sir?" Manuel asked as he wrote it down.
"Surprise me," Ron shrugged.
"I'll have a Cobb salad and some bourbon, neat," Mallory sniffed. "I'm used to paying my own way…"
"Oh, what a load of crap!" Ron said as Manuel went to put in their orders. "You sponge off me every chance you get!"
"I do not!" Mallory snapped. "You're mistaking me for Freddy and the Freeloaders over there!" She pointed to the others.
"Praise from the master!" Ron snapped.
"Ron I am offended," Mallory said. "I have been paying my own way for most of my life. I'm not some flibbertigibbet that wastes money for ridiculous extravagances."
"That reminds me," Pam spoke up. "Did you tell Ron yet about the sixty-four grand you blew on buying a hotel in Hawaii that just got destroyed by a volcano?"
"WHAT?" Ron shouted.
"Thank you, Pam…" Mallory glared at her.
"You're welcome," Pam said cheerfully.
"YOU LOST SIXTY-FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS OF OUR MONEY?" Ron shouted.
"Well…Technically some of that money was from my account so not all of it was yours," Mallory coughed.
"Oh really?" Ron looked at her. "Exactly how much was yours?"
"It was a substantial amount," Mallory hedged.
"How substantial?"
"Four thousand dollars," Mallory admitted. "Which is a substantial amount of money."
"NOT COMPARED TO SIXTY!" Ron shouted. "Oh God, you didn't take that money from our joint checking account, did you?"
"I was planning on replacing it!" Mallory protested.
"With what, Mallory?" Ron shouted. "More lies?"
"I've seen this episode," Cheryl remarked at the bickering couple. "What else is on?"
"Nothing much," Pam looked around. "It looks like the standard lineup."
There were some older women in the back at a table drinking, eating dessert and laughing. "Golden Girls," Pam said.
At another table were three well-dressed younger women laughing and having the time of their lives. "Sex in the City," Pam remarked.
A few men in rumpled business suits were drinking at the end of the bar. "The Office," Pam remarked.
Another man was passed out at a table in the back. "Crash," Pam said.
At another table a young couple was holding hands and kissing each other. "Mad About You," Pam said.
"Did you at least get volcano insurance?" Ron was heard shouting.
"I didn't know volcano insurance was a thing!" Mallory told him.
"It is on islands that have volcanoes!" Ron shouted at her.
"Mad at You," Ray pointed to Mallory and Ron.
"Good one," Krieger grinned. "Let me try."
A couple of men wearing Eagles football shirts were drinking and laughing. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," Krieger remarked.
"I would have also accepted Coach," Pam added. "You know? Because of the football jerseys."
"I don't think that really applies in this case Pam," Cheryl said. "I think Krieger's is closer."
"How was I supposed to know the damn volcano would erupt?" Mallory shouted. "What are the odds a volcano would erupt the minute I bought property?"
"With you?" Ron shot back. "One to one!"
"I wonder," Pam thought aloud. "What movie is out there that hasn't been turned into a TV series should be? I mean, something that hasn't been done yet in TV form but has been done in movie form?"
Cheryl looked at her. "Are we talking drama or comedy?"
"Either or," Pam shrugged.
"Fahrenheit 451," Cheryl suggested.
"You just want to see things burn every week," Ray said.
"Well it's better than watching women get oppressed and abused like the Handmaid's Tale!" Cheryl snapped. "Seriously, some of that stuff is too sick even for me!"
"She has a point," Pam said. "What about you Ray?"
"I'm thinking," Ray said. "You have to admit there's not exactly that many left."
"I think the Running Man would be a great reality show," Krieger said. "They could get Arnold Schwarzenegger to host it."
Ray looked at him. "You didn't get the point of that movie, did you?"
Krieger blinked. "Convicts fighting and blowing shit up on live TV is great for ratings?"
"I thought that was it too," Cheryl said.
"I've got one," Pam said. "Volcano! The Series!"
"Eehhh," Krieger paused. "I think that would get predictable after a few episodes."
"How about Dumb and Dumber?" Pam asked.
"They already have that darlin'," Ray smirked as he took a drink. "It's called C-Span."
"Ohhhhh," Cheryl giggled. "I get it! Because it's about all those senators and congressmen and yeah…That's funny."
"I find it funny you have the gall to lecture me about my spending!" Mallory was heard. "But you spend every chance you get at the track!"
"One, I use my money that I earned, not yours!" Ron told her. "And two…I couldn't lose as much in a year than you do in a day!"
"He's got a point Ms. Archer," Cheryl called out.
"Who asked you?" Mallory snapped.
"A lot of times I don't even gamble!" Ron snapped. "I just go there to get away from you!"
"Keep it up Ron," Mallory glared at him. "One day I will get away from you, permanently!"
"Oh please," Cheryl waved as she took a drink. "Like you're going to walk away from the only source of income you have."
Mallory was about to say something but stopped. "Oh, dear God she's right…"
"I thought you didn't want to watch this?" Pam pointed to Ron and Mallory.
"Eh, there's nothing else on," Cheryl shrugged.
"This can't be my life," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "This just can't be my life."
"I can't believe you still have a life," Cheryl remarked.
"Like she should have died of liver failure years ago?" Ray asked. "Huh. I wonder about that too."
"YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?"
"Hello!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Mid-Season replacement!"
They turned and saw a young man with frizzy brown hair and casual clothes shouting at another woman with blonde hair and a red dress. "You're actually breaking up with me?" The young man gasped. "After everything we've been through?"
"Ted…" The young woman protested.
"New this fall," Pam quipped. "Have You Dumped Ted?"
"Ted you're making a fool of yourself," The woman hissed.
"Oh, I'm making a fool of myself?" Ted shouted. "Really Zoey? Really?"
"Ted!" Zoey hissed.
"I can't believe this!" Ted stood up and shouted. "We've been dating for five years! Since we got out of college together! Five years! And we've only had sex like three times!"
"Ouch!" Pam winced.
"Well that's just a tragedy," Cheryl remarked.
"Even my robot clones had sex more than that," Krieger said. "Before they were destroyed."
"They were?" Ray asked.
"Mostly," Krieger coughed.
"And after all that fuss you made about Melissa who I never even kissed!" Ted went on. "Now you want to break up with me and explore other options? What is that all about?"
"I just want to see what's out there!" Zoey tried to explain.
"Translation," Cheryl spoke up. "She wants to see if anyone has a bigger penis than Ted."
"Face it Ted," Zoey ignored her. "We both want different things."
"Yes," Cheryl said. "She wants another guy's…"
"Do you mind?" Zoey shouted at Cheryl.
"Nope," Pam grinned. "We're enjoying this!"
"Definitely a welcome change to the weekly lineup," Krieger added.
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" Ted shouted. "I was planning on proposing to you! I was saving money for a ring for you and now you want to explore other options? Do you people believe this?"
"Did your girlfriend just blow sixty-four grand of your money?" Ron asked.
"No," Ted said.
"Then you have nothing to complain about," Ron waved. "Trust me kid you dodged a bullet."
"I'm in a drunken episode of Cheers," Mallory groaned.
"Technically weren't all the episodes of Cheers at least slightly drunken?" Pam asked. "I mean it did take place in a bar."
"So Ted," Cheryl thought of something. "You wanna have sex with me in the back room?"
"WHAT?" Both Ted and Zoey did a double take.
"Hey! I want in on that!" Pam said. "We could make it a threesome. Unless Zoey you're up for some experimentation. Just asking. No pressure."
"Hey!" Krieger said. "What about me?"
"What about you?" Pam asked.
"Maybe Zoey would like to have sex with me?" Krieger asked. "Or Zoey and Pam? Or Zoey, Pam and Cheryl? Just asking. No pressure."
"Are you people seriously hitting on us right as we're breaking up?" Zoey shouted.
"You know what they say," Pam shrugged. "Gotta get through that window of opportunity. The window obviously being your genitals."
"Well you did say you wanted to explore other options," Ray pointed at the others. "These are your options."
"And you wanted to see what's out there," Ted said sarcastically. "This is what's out there! Way to go Zoey!"
"So are we gonna jump into this or…?" Pam asked.
"Because there's some nice sturdy tables in the back…" Cheryl began. "By the way are either of you into choke sex? You don't have to be the one being choked. Just asking. No pressure."
"You people are unbelievable!" Zoey shouted. "I can't believe this! This is the most shocking thing I've ever heard!"
"Lady this isn't even the most shocking thing these people did this week," Ron scoffed. "Actually, this is rather tame for them."
"Please if Ted is going to sleep with anyone it would obviously be me," Mallory sniffed.
"Case in point," Ron rolled his eyes. "Seriously?"
"Oh, dear God," Ted paled.
"I didn't say I was going to do it!" Mallory protested.
"But you want to do him?" Pam said. "So is anyone open to a threesome or…Just asking. No pressure."
"Perfect time for revenge sex, Ted," Cheryl said. "Or you Ron!"
"I've already got one crazy woman who thinks she's too good for me," Ron pointed at Mallory. "I don't need another one."
"WHAT?" Zoey and Mallory said at the same time.
"But seriously dear," Mallory looked at Zoey. "Only three times in five years? I mean it's one thing to hold the leash tightly, it's another to use a choke chain. Are you getting something on the side or…?"
"Even Mallory and I have sex more often than that," Ron admitted. "And I'm thinking of leaving her."
"I'm thinking of leaving him and I still want to do it," Mallory pointed. "Ron, considering how much money we lost…"
"You lost," Cheryl spoke up.
"I will consider some experimentation as compensation," Mallory said. She looked over to Ted and Zoey. "So, would either of you like to try something with either Ron or myself? I'm sure we can make some arrangement. Just asking. No pressure."
"Oh, dear God!" Zoey screamed. She looked at Ray. "I suppose you want to hit on me or Ted too?"
"Oh God no," Ray waved. "Obviously Ted is still into women so it would be gauche to hit on him."
"Thank you," Ted said. "Wait what do you mean by still…?"
"But Ted if you do ever want to have some real fun I can give you my number," Ray said. "Just asking. No pressure."
"What about me?" Zoey shouted.
"You can go to Hell," Ray sniffed as he took a drink.
"SERIOUSLY?" Ted shouted at Zoey.
"Ted honey you are better off without her," Ray called out.
"Let's have sex in the back room in order to get even with her!" Cheryl grinned.
"Yeah how are we doing this exactly?" Pam asked. "Who's going with who? I'm not picky."
"Obviously," Mallory sniffed. "Considering who you've slept with in the past."
"I've slept with you in the past!" Pam challenged.
"Oh, dear God that's right," Mallory groaned.
"To be fair," Cheryl spoke up. "Pam is amazingly good in bed."
"She is," Krieger nodded.
"Yeah I gotta give it to her," Mallory sighed.
"Ditto," Ron shrugged. Mallory glared at him.
"Thank you!" Pam grinned.
"You people are disgusting," Zoey shouted.
"Again," Ray pointed at them. "These are your options. You want to know what's out there. This is out there."
"What part of that don't you get?" Ron asked. "Core concept?"
"Ted let's just get out of here," Zoey got up.
"Uh we just broke up," Ted told her. "You don't get to tell me what to do anymore."
"Or whom to do anymore!" Cheryl grinned. "Do me Ted! Do me!"
"Phrasing!" Pam grinned. "Do me!"
"Do both of us!" Cheryl said. "We're a great tag team!"
"Gotta admit…" Ron began. Mallory glared at him. "I have no idea what they are like in bed. But I'd give them a try."
"I'd like to give divorce a try!" Mallory snapped.
"Go for it sweetheart!" Ron shot back. "I have my lawyer on speed dial!"
"Come on Ted," Cheryl cheered. "Time to make some bad decisions."
"And you can't make any worse than them," Ray quipped.
"Exactly!" Pam grinned. "I bet I kiss better than Miss Priss over here."
"Don't you even think about it Ted!" Zoey snapped.
"Well there is only one way to find out," Ted admitted.
"TED!" Zoey gasped.
"Maybe I want to explore my options?" Ted shouted at her.
"That's telling her!" Pam whooped.
"You go Ted!" Ray called out. "You can go now Zoey."
"Don't go Zoey!" Krieger pleaded. "Ever do it with a doctor?"
"You're not a doctor," Pam said.
"Shut up!" Krieger told her. "I've got a shot here."
"No, you don't," Cheryl snickered. "But Ted's got one."
"Ted's got a whole ten dollars at the rifle range," Pam snickered.
"Come on Teddy," Cheryl walked up to him. "Let's have a little fun."
"Don't you do it Ted!" Zoey warned.
"Do it Ted!" Pam called out.
"Do it Ted!" The Eagles Fans cheered.
"Do me Ted," Cheryl said in her most seductive voice.
"You are actually going to kiss a stranger?" Zoey shouted.
"That is literally what exploring your options means Zoey!" Pam shouted. "Now shut up! Kiss her Ted!"
"Don't you dare Ted!" Zoey snapped.
"Oh, really Zoey?" Ted shouted.
"I'm warning you Ted!" Zoey shouted.
"What are you gonna do Zoey?" Pam snapped. "Break up with him again?"
"Yeah Zoey what are you gonna do?" Ted snapped. He then kissed Cheryl.
"WAY TO GO TED!" Pam whooped along with half the bar.
"TED!" Zoey gasped.
"You didn't think this through did you Zoey?" Mallory asked.
Cheryl pulled away. "How did that feel Ted?"
"Wow…" Ted blinked. "That felt amazing!"
"You think that's something," Pam pushed Cheryl out of the way. She then dipped Ted and passionately kissed him.
"I DON'T FREAKING BELIEVE THIS!" Zoey shouted.
"Are you just going to sit here and take that Zoey?" Krieger asked. "Come on!"
"Wow…" Ted blinked as Pam put him back. "Wow…I did not know a tongue could do that."
"I call that the Wisconsin Worm," Pam grinned.
"You're a worm Ted!" Zoey shouted. "Oh, what the hell!" She went over to Krieger and kissed him.
"WAY TO GO KRIEGER!" Pam whooped.
"Oh no…" Zoey backed away. "Beard too prickly!" Manuel walked by and she then kissed him.
"HEY!" Both Ted and Krieger exclaimed.
"Oh, what the hell?" Ray sighed as he got up and kissed Ted.
"What the hell?" Mallory groaned.
Ray backed off. "What did you think?"
"Interesting…" Ted blinked. "Not my thing but I'm glad I tried it."
"Wow this bar story just got way more interesting," One Eagle Fan said to another.
"Well as long as we're experimenting here," Manuel backed away from Zoey. Then he went and kissed Ray. "I like this one better."
"Way more interesting!" The Eagle Fan said.
"Seriously?" Zoey shouted.
"Ha! Ha!" Cheryl laughed and pointed. "Why the hell did you think I didn't kiss him? Well that and the potential for sexual harassment lawsuits."
"This is going to end up as either a riot or an orgy," Mallory groaned.
"Either way we'd better get out of here," Ron remarked as Cheryl kissed Ted again.
"Get off my boyfriend you skank!" Zoey charged at Cheryl.
Pam intercepted and sucker punched her. "He ain't yours no more you hose bag!"
"AAAHHH!" Zoey fell onto the Eagles' table spilling their beer.
"HEY! You spilled our beer!" One of the Eagles Fans stood up.
"And you threw a lady! Not cool!" Another said. "Although technically since you're a lady yourself I guess it's kind of okay…But still not cool to spill our beer."
"You want to make something of it?" Pam made a fist. "Come at me bro!"
"Order up!" Manuel grabbed some food from a nearby waiter and started throwing them at the Eagles Fans. Cheryl and Ray joined in.
Mallory got up and grabbed her purse. "Ron that is the first smart decision you made tonight! Let's go!"
"Yeah I don't want to end up in jail!" Ron said as a food fight started to break out.
The following morning back at the Figgis Agency…
"And the last thing we saw was the beginning of a food fight that would put the Marx Brothers to shame," Mallory told Cyril and Lana in the bullpen.
"In other words, we probably need to spend some bail money?" Cyril groaned.
Lana saw something. "I don't think so…"
Ray emerged with Manuel on one side and an Eagles Fan on the other. They were laughing and seemed quite cheerful. "Come on," Ray said. "There's this cute little coffee shop next door. We can have breakfast there."
"I certainly worked up an appetite," Manuel grinned.
"Ooh! I could eat!" Krieger said as he walked out with an elegantly dressed woman with red hair and a green dress.
"Best bar story ever!" Another Eagles Fan said as he walked out with Pam. Both were drinking beer.
"I know right?" Cheryl giggled as she walked out. Ted and Zoey were behind her. Looking very embarrassed.
"What the hell…?" Lana blinked.
"Krieger…" Mallory blinked. "Is that an actual woman?"
"Hi! I'm Melanie," The woman waved. "Krieger and I hooked up last night."
"How the hell did Krieger get a woman?" Cyril asked.
"It's a funny story," Krieger said. "During the brawl I got thrown onto the table Melanie was at. I said hello. And we just clicked! So? You want to go out tonight?"
"Depends if my husband is back from his business trip," Melanie shrugged. "But yeah I'll give you a call. Better not call me…Just in case. You know?"
"No pressure," Krieger waved.
"What the hell…?" Lana did a double take. "What happened?"
Pam waved. "Had a slight brawl slash food fight. Ditched the cops out the back door. Came here and had ourselves a party. The usual."
"And some really great sex!" Cheryl grinned. "Which reminds me we're all out of condoms."
"Oh, dear God…" Mallory groaned. "And to think I thought the depravity level would decrease since Sterling entered a coma."
"Hey guys," Ted said. "Some news here. "Zoey and I had a talk and we're back together again."
"And we're getting married," Zoey said.
"What about seeing what's out there?" Pam asked.
"I think we saw enough last night," Zoey said.
"Definitely," Ted nodded.
"Well you two certainly made up for lost time," Cheryl giggled.
"So, we're gonna go now…" Zoey said as she and her fiancé moved away. "Bye."
"Bye!" Everyone else (Except for Mallory, Lana and Cyril) said.
"We're moving right?" Ted asked Zoey as they left.
"As far as we can from LA as possible," Zoey agreed.
"Take me with you," Cyril pleaded.
"I think you guys just scared those two straight," Lana remarked.
"Both literally and figuratively," Ray quipped.
"I think it's safe to say we found our new hangout," Pam grinned as Ted and Zoey left.
"As long as it doesn't burn to the ground," Cheryl shrugged. "But what are the odds?"
"With this lot?" Mallory groaned as they left for breakfast. "One to one!"