"I wondered if you would join me," Shelagh asked. "Next Tuesday?"
"I'm sorry, Shelagh, I truly am, but that will not be possible," Sister Julienne said in a hurry from the make shift desk that had been created in a side room in the church – a temporary office for her. The church had become their Nonnatus House for now, until a new building could be established, and they used one of the chapels regularly for their prayers and services. It had fitted the bill on a temporary basis, but everyone was well aware that they would need a more permanent home very soon, of which they could both live out their day-to-day lives and serve the community.
"Oh, I see," Shelagh said disappointingly. "Not to worry."
She took her leave, and Sister Julienne felt a pang of guilt. She should have shared with Shelagh the reason she could not go with her to select a 'more suitable' wedding outfit, as she had phrased it. But she couldn't bring herself to. Sister Julienne was struggling to open her heart to those feelings at present, and indulging herself and putting that on Shelagh's shoulders would be incredibly unfair.
She sighed, and rested her head in a her hands, taking a momentary pause to ask for courage.
And then courage arrived – in the form of Sister Evangelina.
"I've just passed a very forlorn looking soon-to-be Mrs Turner on the steps outside. Whatever has happened? Is it Timothy?"
Sister Julienne shook her head. "No, everyone is fine."
"And yet, I sense differently. Everyone?" Sister Evangelina let silence fall for a moment, but patience wasn't her strong point. Hands on hips she said, "Come on, out with it!"
Sister Julienne got up from her desk, and tidied some papers, "It is not a matter I wish to discuss. Or at least, one that I wish to burden anyone else with."
"But here I stand regardless of your wishes," Sister Evangelina said, but then changed her tone slightly. "You give enormous amounts of comfort and strength to so many people, Sister. Allow me to take some of your load. And start with telling me why the young lady who is soon to be married left here with a face like a wet fish!"
Sister Julienne smiled. "Very well," she began.
Bumping into Patrick in the street, Shelagh was walking at such a pace that she was in danger of walking straight through him.
"Woah, woah," Patrick said, stopping her in her tracks, hands resting on the tops of her arms. "Where's the fire?"
Shelagh looked at him, a fire in her eyes – was that anger?
"It wouldn't be right to discuss it," she said quickly, the words forced from her.
Patrick crossed his arms infront of her and tilted his head to the side. "But you want to..." he deduced, trying to read her mind and then he consulted his watch, "And in exactly 13 days, 2 hours and 26 minutes you shall be Mrs Turner and I will take great upset when you don't share with me every single thought that goes through your mind...!" He kept the tone light and upbeat, he wasn't angry that she didn't want to share, but it was rare to see her in such a state.
She rolled her eyes, as if beaten and pulled him carefully to the side.
"I want a second opinion," she said. "On...well, on my wedding outfit."
"OK," Patrick responded almost shrugging, so far not seeing the problem.
"Well...I went to see Sister Julienne and suggested perhaps she might like to come with me on Tuesday..."
Patrick smiled and nodded. He knew that the two of them had been close, and since Timothy had been so unwell they seem to have found one another once more. He had been able to tell over the last few weeks that this had been a great source of comfort to Shelagh, and relief too.
"That sounds lovely," he said. "Forgive me Shelagh, but, what's the problem?"
"She said no!" Shelagh said, a little more loudly than she anticipated.
"Oh," Patrick said, stumped. It certainly seemed an unusual response. "Well, perhaps it isn't her thing. You know, shopping, and looking at clothes or...whatever it is you women need. It's not really in keeping with her day-to-day life as a nun adhering to a vow of poverty, is it?"
"Patrick, I'm not suggesting a full day of browsing shops and spending enormous amount of money! I just wanted her to see what I have chosen. I wanted her to feel a part of it...because she is important to me," she paused, her anger had turned to emotion that was threatening to spill over her eyes. "But perhaps she doesn't feel that way."
"Come here," he said, offering her a hug. Shelagh stepped into it, closing her eyes for a second and nestling into his embrace. She was so looking forward to being able to do this every day, breathe him in and be a part of him each and every day.
She stepped out of the embrace quickly, "No," she said, smiling. "I'm still angry!"
Patrick smiled, "No, my love, you're hurt. It's not quite the same. Talk to her, the two of you have always talked about everything. Perhaps there's more to it..."
"I'm sorry to interrupt," came a familiar voice from behind them. It was Fred. "I wasn't trying to overhear or nothing, but I might be able to shed some light..."
"For goodness sake, why didn't you tell her...?!" Sister Evangelina said, the two nuns now sat with cups of tea around a small table in a kitchen area.
"I don't want to burden her," Sister Julienne said. "She has plenty to think about."
Sister Evangelina rolled her eyes. "That girl is always a part of us. Isn't that what we say? She is family to us and always will be. How ridiculous to think that you wouldn't tell her. For one apparently so wise, you don't half come to some strange conclusions."
Sister Julienne smiled, Sister Evangelina never minced her words. Staring at the tea infront of her, she was so grateful for the community they were apart of. Their community, that they had created at Nonnatus and the wider community of Poplar. It was home to her, and the idea that it might not be for much longer was so painful.
"What if this is the end of Nonnatus?" Sister Julienne pondered sadly. "What if God's calling us somewhere else? That we are no longer wanted here. You know that more and more women chose hospital births now... Or what if we are all called to go separately elsewhere?"
"What if? What if? Sister, 'what if' will get us nowhere. All we have to focus on is the here and now."
"And Sister Monica Joan, I am so concerned by the upheaval on her. I am not sure she will cope with the change."
"Sister Monica Joan has been busy reciting Ecclesiastes for the last week. I daresay she's doing a better job of coping than we are."
"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven..." Sister Julienne recited, her eyes closed and emotion etching itself on her words.
Sister Evangelina took her hand as Sister Julienne began to falter, "A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance..."
"I'm sorry," Sister Julienne said, beginning to feel individual tears fall. She sniffed. "There are so many memories, so much of what we have built and it's all to be taken away."
"No, no, my dear Sister," Sister Evangelina said softly. "The memories are in our hearts, and they cannot be taken from us. We have so much work still to do, we cannot let this shake us. We must stand firm on our one true foundation."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry," Sister Julienne said nodding, sniffing and pulling herself together. She felt shame for allowing her emotions to catchup with her, but she had for so long stamped them down because she knew that she was supposed to be leading them all into hope of the future. But today, that seemed impossible.
Sister Evangelina smiled and squeezed her friends hand. "I think today is your time to mourn. And it is just as valid as the time to dance. Do not be sorry."
"Thank you."
Tuesday morning arrived and Shelagh left her lodgings closing the door behind her. It was a big day for a lot of people and she quickly made her way up the familiar roads. She was going alone, on this occasion, but knew that it was the right place to be today of all days.
Kneeling infront of the altar the nuns had extended their prayer time to spend the time together when Nonnatus fell. Fred had passed on the time the demolition was due to happen, and although it would have been nice to continue with the day as normal, today was very different. It was the end of something that had meant so much to them all. It had not only been their work, but also their home and family. It signalled the beginning of a huge unknown for them all. They must go where God was calling them, and at present He had not yet revealed His plans.
Shelagh looked on from the doorway of the chapel, the nuns so familiar to her, knelt in silence expectantly. It was hard not to notice the atmosphere around her. It was filled with a sorrowful anticipation. Not a sound or a shuffle on the stone floor was made, and Shelagh was certain that they all were holding their breath.
And when the distant rumble of that building came down, the room exhaled, it was over. Sister Julienne looked over at Sister Evangelina, who was resolute in keeping her eyes to God. And Sister Julienne was so humbled and in awe of her strength in this matter that she was immediately uplifted. Her thudding heart was slowed and a peace began to descend. All the feelings, memories and emotions she had that went with that building had not descended to rubble like the stones that now were laid there. It was such a relief that she thought she may cry. But enough tears had been shed and now was the time to build up, not to mourn.
As the other nuns began to leave to resume with their duties, Shelagh stepped further into the chapel with Sister Julienne and Sister Evangelina who remained. Sister Evangelina turned to see their former Sister with them and her heart was so very glad.
"Sister," she whispered to Sister Julienne who was next to her. Sister Julienne turned. "Now it is the time to laugh, to dance, to embrace and to love."
Sister Julienne followed Sister Evangelina's eyes that led to Shelagh stood behind them. She smiled, a genuine smile. They had a wedding to prepare for.