A Different Shade of Lonely
We weren't drunk. Just lonely.
That's what happens when your best friend rejects you. You have this gnawing ache in your stomach; like someone is repeatedly punching you and you just can't get your breath. There was a hole there, one that couldn't be filled with just anything. But maybe it could be filled with someone. Just not the someone I wanted it filled by.
I didn't realize how lonely I was until she took my hand and led me to her bed. This room, which I had spent countless hours in over the years, was now a room that took on a whole new meaning for us.
She took my hands into hers and whispered it would be okay. I wasn't the only lonely one; she was looking for someone to fill the gaps in her broken heart, too. The two of us had been through hell the past two years and all we ever wanted was to feel wanted, like we mattered. The people we wanted to matter to rejected us. That's why we were here, in her room, our hearts on our sleeves for each other to see.
I never expected to lay my soul bare to Quinn Fabray. Not just my soul, though, but my body, too. We weren't exactly friends, but we weren't enemies either. We were more like two lost souls, gripping for something solid to hold onto, and found each other through the darkness. She was looking for someone to want her. I wanted her so I could forget you.
I knew Quinn was new to this, the whole falling into lust with another woman. I knew she wasn't gay. I just knew she was lonely, and I was the one to fall on top of. Not that I minded. I was using her just as much as she was using me. We both knew that, but it didn't stop us.
She briefly played with the hem of my shirt, and then yanked it over my head, a little too roughly than I was used to. Her hands gently traveled down my torso, touching every inch of skin she could. She swiftly pulled off my pants then looked at my body hungrily.
I wasn't used to the look. When you looked at me, it was with love and adoration, not like I was a naked prize to be won. But Quinn isn't you. I had to keep reminding myself of that, even though it was present with every word, every breath, every touch.
I had always thought it would be awkward with anyone else, except you. It wasn't awkward with Quinn, just different.
She pushed me onto the bed, and laid her warm body on top. With us, I had always been the top. You never fought me for it; that's just the way it was. Somehow, Quinn lost her shirt and pants, leaving her body as exposed as I was. She positioned herself between my legs, and held herself up on her forearms, her face inches from mine. She was breathing heavily, and although she seemed courageous at first, I could tell she was scared. Her vulnerability showed through her bright, hazel eyes. I could tell she wanted this; she wanted to forget. Forget the men and the hurt and the pain she had been through. And here I was, almost naked under a beautiful woman who wanted me to be that person for her; the one to help her forget. She needed me to be her anchor tonight.
I ignored the fact you were in my mind, and pressed my lips to hers. She kissed back fiercely, and exhaled through her nose, like she had been holding her breath. Her breath was warm on my face, hotter than I expected. Her lips were smooth, and tasted of spearmint gum. It was different; it was all so different. I had been used to rough lips, ones that tasted like blueberry lip balm. Lips that had uttered the words, "I love you" in the dark, when I pretended to be asleep. Lips that touched my body in a way that sent shivers all the way to my toes. These were not those lips. Your lips weren't mine anymore.
I ran my hands over her body, different than the one I was used to touching. Her skin wasn't quite as smooth. Where there had been freckles before, there was now only clear skin. I was touching skin that had once held a baby for nine months, a stomach that didn't have your perfect abs. I unsnapped her bra with one hand, a practice I had perfected with you. She pressed her chest closer to me, and I noticed her breasts were bigger. Not in a bad way, but just different.
She reached around and fumbled with unhooking my bra. She didn't have the skill we had. I remembered the first time I had tried unhooking your bra one handed, and how you had to help me with it. I had been so nervous that night. I felt Quinn's hands shake as she tried and tried to unsnap it. I leaned forward with her still on top of me, and helped her out. She smiled, and pressed her lips to mine again.
Her hands traveled down my body, exploring every crevice, every scar, every freckle. I had known your body inside and out, what made you tick, what made you giggle, and what made you scream out my name in ecstasy. Quinn and I were new to this, new to each other's bodies. We didn't have that connection you and I once had.
Her kisses were different than yours. Hers were hungry, while yours were full of purpose. Her tongue danced inside my mouth, and her hands traveled down my torso.
She played with the hem of my underwear, and then finally pushed them aside. I felt her fingers inside of me, first one, and then two. She was going much faster than you and I ever did. Quinn wanted to feel something, something more than what she had felt with guys. You and I took it slow, reveling in each other's beautiful bodies, shuddering at every touch.
My body took over my mind as we worked out our rhythm together. My fingers worked their way inside of her, and I heard her whimper into my mouth. We moved as one being, but we couldn't have been more disconnected from each other. I pretended not to hear as she whispered Puck's name into my ear. I bit my tongue to keep from saying yours.
We finished at the same time, collapsing into each other as our orgasms took control. She held me tightly, her fingernails digging into my back. I held her close to my body, marveling at how her small frame could fit into my arms.
We unwrapped ourselves from each other and laid down side by side on her bed, a light film of sweat glistening on our bodies. I could hear her breathing hard, and I closed my eyes and tried to settle my own breaths. I knew she was looking at me, but I couldn't bear to look at her. I knew when I did, I would see Quinn Fabray, and not you.
"San," she whispered, and turned her body toward me. I kept my eyes closed tightly, trying to imagine your voice instead of hers, but it was no use. You weren't there. I only had the memory of you now.
I opened my eyes and turned to her. She smiled a little. We both knew what this was. It wasn't love, or even a crush. It was a way to connect with someone when we had no one else in our lives to connect with anymore.
I moved closer to her naked body and let her wrap her arms around me. Not the same long, dangly arms that I was used to, but shorter, daintily ones. And for the first time all night, I didn't mind.