One thing to work out
AN – Recently by total accident I saw Affinity on the TV. It's not one of my favourite episodes but there is of course the whole proposal thing there. And Sam showing Jack the ring and his answer to her question and then Sam telling Pete "It's just - there's some things I need to work out." Well suddenly this story line appeared in my head. And as I haven't written a story in ages I decided to give it a try.
So – set into Affinity. And let's see how it goes ;o)
Meeting with Pete was a good idea. She needed it. It was still a bit strange to be seeing someone regularly and off the base but it was what she wanted. Normal. Normal guy, normal dates, no bombs exploding, bad guys shooting, just a normal date. And it was what she wanted, right? She needed it. After everything she lived through the past years. Or not?
Whenever she started to think about it she had to stop right away. Thinking about this wasn't helping. So she decided not to think and just go along with things. And it was good.
Of course nobody knew about her secret journal. Well one thing is to be the only woman on a team and completely other is letting the guys know she has a private journal. Nope, not a good idea. When things started to get complicated and she was so deep she didn't know what to do and how, she took her mother's ink pen and started to write. And it was helping. It was so different from typing. And yet it was what she needed. At first she was worried that somebody would find it. But well having a hidden safe in her house was a good thing after all. There was just one person that knew about it. And he wouldn't violate her privacy.
And now she was sitting on her couch looking at the ring and she was lost. Pete thought she would say yes automatically but she couldn't. When he gave it to her she suddenly didn't know what to do. She needed to think. And she needed it badly. Not thinking about it wasn't an option anymore. And when she told him she needed time he seemed okay with it which was a bit shock. Could he know her reasons? Hopefully not.
Several sleepless nights, dozens of sheets of paper filled with her thoughts and feelings and she wasn't doing any better. Damn!
She has never been one of those girls imagining their big white wedding. But having to think about saying yes? What did it mean? That she wasn't ready? That he wasn't the one?
Days went on and on and she couldn't concentrate. Everything was confusing and she was feeling more and more lost. And the only person that would usually guide her and support her in making the right choice was the only person she couldn't talk to about this.
Jack.
They've broken each other's hearts many times over. But there was love between them. Once. And he was still Jack, her Jack, her anchor in deadly storms, he has always been there in any way he could. They've also saved each other more times she cared to count, and not just their lives but their souls as well. And they could never talk openly and those few times when she was sure they would finally make a step towards something new ended up as a mess.
And now what? Should she tell him? Could she tell him? She couldn't even face him. She was ashamed. And didn't understand it, didn't understand herself.
Even the damn report she was working on seemed to be laughing at her.
„Carter."
Damn. He was there. She couldn't hide anymore.
"Sir." She looked up and saw him. And her world stopped spinning for a moment.
"I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words. I need that report." As he said that she gave him one of those super confused looks he usually loves so much.
"Right! Um, I just need to, er, finish typing up my notes. Uh, yeah, I'll have it for you first thing tomorrow."
"It is tomorrow." And as he said that he was sure. Something was wrong with her. She could lost track of time over almost anything but the way she looked and her face... nope, something was definitely off.
"Oh."
"I'm joking! I don't need the report!" He couldn't believe he had to spell it out for her. Didn't she know him at all?
Sam was totally confused. She couldn't focus. She needed her sleep. And to know some answers.
"Well, then, why ...?"
"Because something's going on with you. You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me." And he seemed to be genuinely concerned for her.
So here it was. The moment of truth. She sighed, gathered up the last courage she had in herself and finding the box with her engagement ring she handed it to him. She couldn't meet his eyes so she missed the brief panicked look in them.
"Pete gave me this."
Jack knew what was in that box. He couldn't believe it though. He opened it and saw the ring. THE ring. He needed a deep breath before he could look at her again.
"People normally wear these on their fingers."
"I haven't said yes."
"And yet - you haven't said no." He had to close the box. It was too much. He needed – wanted – to be beamed up right that moment. He was coward but didn't care. This was killing him.
"I told him I needed to think about it."
"And?"
"That was two weeks ago."
"Ah!" Well he didn't see this coming. So two weeks... she's been thinking about it for two weeks. He knew he should think about it, about the whole situation – but his mind was blank.
"Y'know, all these years I've been concentrating on work - I just assumed that one day I would ..."
"Have a life?" He suggested. He didn't dare to suggest anything else. Nope. He couldn't. She was way past that. She deserved to have a life. And he knew it. She needed it.
"Yeah!"
They were talking but he couldn't recall the words said. He was looking into her sad eyes and didn't know what to think or what to do. He didn't understand why she showed him the ring in the first place. He didn't dare to assume... nope, this was all so wrong!
He realized she's been quiet for a moment.
Sam was a bit confused from this conversation. But she knew why. And she also knew that before answering Pete she had to know a different answer. She looked into his eyes and let herself get lost in them. One more breath and the question.
"What about you? If things had been different ... "
She didn't finish. There could have been a million different words there. She was hoping for some honesty and for possible solution.
Jack knew what she was asking and he also knew that this was the moment he would hate for the rest of his life. He knew what he had to do. The same thing as always when it was about Samantha Carter. The same thing he had done many times over. For her sake.
"I wouldn't be here."
He said and with a nod he left her lab.
Sam sat there completely startled. How far did his answer go? He wouldn't be there... Did he mean he would have died before the first mission? On the first mission? He would have retired? He would have been killed? What the hell did he mean by that answer?
She felt tears in her eyes and knew she had to get a grip and some sleep.
Jack took sanctuary in men's locker room. The base was almost empty and he knew he would be alone there. He sat down and fought the urge to kick something. She asked and he gave her the answer. If things had been different... since when?
He asked himself the same damn question many times over through the past years. If things had been different... his life would be different. But he knew what she meant exactly.
If things had been different would it be his ring in her hand? Or on her finger already?
Time went past them and life turned upside down with everything that was going on with T. They managed to talk and act like usually, they had their practice in that. How many times they had to face things they were not allowed to acknowledge and bury them deep down and keep going? Neither could say. Not anymore.
They had to focus on Teal'c. So Sam called Pete and met him. She – they – needed his help as a cop. She kind of assumed he would want to know the answer but still she couldn't give it to him. „It's just - there's some things I need to work out." She told him in the car and knew it wouldn't be that easy. But after the past couple of hours she knew what she needed to know first before answering Pete.
The evening came, search for Teal'c was in full mode and she knew she wouldn't get any sleep. So she gathered up her courage and took her bike for a ride. To clear her head. And with a single purpose. To find out the truth. She needed the truth if she was to answer Pete. But she wasn't sure if she could do what she needed to do.
And if she was being honest with herself – she needed to know after all those years of not knowing and only assuming and hoping. She just needed to know. Did he or didn't he? Or better – does he or doesn't he?
It was deep at night when she finally parked her bike in front of Jack O'Neill's house. And to her surprise the lights were on in the living room. Perhaps she was hoping he'd be asleep but he wasn't and there was no excuse now.
Jack tried to sleep but it was pointless. T. was missing and accused of murder and kidnapping – which was total nonsense but still the search was on and didn't look good. But the main problem was something else.
Sam.
How many times he was so close to admitting everything to her? How many times did he walk away or even broke her heart just to save her? How many times did he put a knife through his own heart just to keep her at safe distance so she wouldn't get involved or hurt?
He couldn't tell.
He couldn't tell which was the moment he realized he felt more for her... that it wasn't a crush anymore. One day it was just there deep within him and he knew he was doomed. He never gave his heart easily and freely. With her it was something he knew would last the rest of his life. And he knew he could and should try to have a life on his own with some other woman – but no woman was like Sam.
He loved her. He knew that. He would do anything for her. He already did more than humanly possible! And what more? He let her go so she could find a life and be happy with someone else. And it never stopped to hurt because she did just that.
And suddenly he found himself in her lab looking at the engagement ring. How the hell did that happen?!
First thought on his mind was that it had to be a joke or a bad dream. But she seemed to be serious. The next thought was a completely stupid one – he saw the ring and was sure it was not a ring she would pick for herself. It had to be quite expensive but it was nothing like Sam.
Which lead him to something he hadn't done in a very long time. He took his grandmother's ring from the safe. He opened the box and took a good look at the ring inside. It was plain, softly carved, simple and unique. Sarah didn't like it so... He still had it. And he knew the only woman he wanted it to wear would soon wear somebody else's ring and he didn't have a single right to say a word.
So he just sat down on his couch nursing a beer and let his mind wander through memories and wishes. He wouldn't allow himself to do this very often because it was too dangerous. But now he didn't care. Looking at his grandmother's ring gave him a good excuse.
When the doorbell rang he assumed something bad had happened. He opened the door and his breathing stopped.
"Carter."
"Hey... " She was so unsure!
"Hey. Um, everything all right?" He asked not really knowing what was she doing there. He was afraid she was there to tell him she had said yes.
"Can I come in?" She asked instead.
"Sure." And he let her in. She put her helmet onto a table in the hall and after a moment of hesitation she took off her jacket. She turned to face him, still standing in the hall.
Jack knew he should probably ask her to come in but there was the ring on the table right next to his beer and he didn't need her to see it. But she didn't seem eager to come in either.
"Sam?" He asked after a moment.
She looked deep into his eyes and he could see all her barriers falling down. She opened up her soul to him. And the way she was looking at him? He wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and never let go. She was so vulnerable.
Sam took a step closer to him, almost invading his personal space. He had to control his breathing.
"There is something..."
"Okay. What is it?"
"I need you to answer one question. Honestly."
"Oh, um, okay... Sam?" Jack had a weird feeling about this. But he kept his eyes locked into hers. All the truths from the world – hell the galaxy – were written there plainly for her to see.
"Do you love me?" She asked and held his gaze.
Jack couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't look away.
"Sam..."
"It's a simple question. Just say yes or no."
And the fact she didn't add 'sir' or 'general' spoke volumes. Jack wished nothing more than to say yes and grab her and kiss her but knew it wasn't his place. He had no right. And yes, she was asking and wanted honesty but he couldn't give that to her. She probably saw both love and pain in his eyes but he couldn't say a word. Once again he would put together pieces of his shattered heart later.
"Sam..." And there were more emotions there than he would have liked.
There were tears in her eyes. She blinked and the tears found their way down her cheeks. She nodded and took a deep breath. Jack wanted to wipe away the tears and kiss her. But he couldn't.
"So that's a no then..." she almost whispered.
She needed a second to regain composure. When she looked at him she was in full soldier mode.
"I am sorry for bothering you at home, Sir. It won't happen again. Have a good night, Sir." She said matter-of-factly and with a nod she tried to walk past him – away into the dark.
Jack would probably never know what made him do it. Something in him snapped. He realized that should she walk away now it would be for good. He was definitely losing her. And losing Carter? That was not an option. He was selfish, he knew. He should probably let her leave and marry that cop. But he would die without her in his life. He was sure of that.
When his body reacted she was few steps out of his door, putting on her jacket awkwardly with the helmet in one hand.
"Carter!" He called and was ashamed of the despair in his voice.
Sam stopped dead in her tracks. If she could split into two she would. One part of her would run to her bike and drive furiously into the night. The other part would turn back and go to him. So she just stood still, ignoring the tears in her eyes – both from pain and from anger.
Jack came closer and softly said "It was not a no." And that was all he could say. She was smart, she would figure it out.
Sam slowly turned around to face him. He was there, light from his house making him look so different from what she was used to seeing. She waited.
"The answer is not a no, Sam. Plus you should know by now that you never bother me..."
"Sir..."
"Jack." He said, interrupting her, letting her know that this was personal for him as well, no ranks, no salutation, no regs. Just them.
"Okay." She replied softly, voice deep with emotions. This was so not going as she planned. She stayed silent. She left it up to him to decide.
"So this is the night, right?"
"What, you actually want to talk? That's new." She said with a hint of sarcasm. To her surprise he smiled.
"You've spent too much time with me, Carter." He said. She didn't correct him. She knew that 'Carter' was a term of endearment by now.
"Do you really want this? To talk I mean?" She asked. He just stepped aside and showed her into his home. Sam nodded and walked in.
And as she anticipated, things got pretty awkward. He was nervous like a teenager and she was too tired to think clearly.
"Oh, um... do you want something to drink perhaps?" He asked.
"You're really bad at this, aren't you..." Sam said and looked at him, eyes full of warm sympathy.
"Well... sorry."
"No, it's okay."
"I just don't know what you expect, Sam. I am not sure I can give you what you seek."
"I seek the answer." She said, still standing in his hall, putting her jacket and helmet down again.
She came closer to him, watched him make her favourite tea, silently.
"You know the answer, Carter. Or if you don't then you're not as smart as I think you are..." He said and she could tell how difficult this was for him. It was for her as well.
She took the tea from him and let him lead her outside onto his back porch. They sat down next to each other, not touching, not really daring to look.
"I need to hear it, Jack."
"Sam..." He so wasn't up to this.
"Do you love me or not?" She asked second time that night and looked at him. He reached out to touch her hand, slowly moving his thumb over it. His heart was hammering in his chest.
He knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to send her away and let her marry that cop. But damned he couldn't.
"What difference does it make?" He asked instead. She wasn't surprised. He wouldn't just say yes.
"Big one."
"Carter..."
"If things had been different... where would we stand, Jack?"
"That's quite a complex question you know?" He replied, trying to buy himself some time.
"No, it's simple. If you had the chance to retire or if I had the chance to work as a civilian contractor for the SGC, would there be us in there somewhere?"
He stood up and took a step. Sam got afraid.
"I had that chance, Sam."
"What?!" She couldn't believe it!
"They gave me the chance to retire not so long ago." He said softly, honestly.
"Why didn't you?"
"Because of you."
"What? Now I don't understand. I thought... I mean... should you..." She was rambling but her mind was working for 200%.
"Because, Carter, retiring would mean losing you for good and I couldn't live with that. So I agreed to run SGC until they find somebody else."
"No." She replied.
"Sam..."
"No, listen to me. I've been waiting for this chance for years. One damn chance to get out of your chain of command. I thought you were waiting for that chance as well. You know I would gladly resign and work as a civilian, that my military career didn't mean that much to me, not as much as you did."
"But it mattered and still matters to me, Sam. I would never ask you to do that."
"I know. That's why I didn't. That's why I stayed and fought for this planet and the damn galaxy, why I watched my friends getting killed and tortured, why I lost so much and had to go through things hard to imagine. I stayed even though I was – and I still am – too tired to keep fighting. I don't care about any of this. I don't desire to be a war hero."
She didn't even realize that while having this little speech she came to him and stood toe to toe with him now, looking fiercely into his eyes.
"I stayed and kept on doing all that just because of you."
"That's not the truth, Carter. Come on. You love the job!" He said, not daring to go back to the rest of what she had just said.
"I love the job. But I love you more." She said and knew this was the breaking point. She finally admitted it to herself.
Pete was good for her, but he was not what she wanted from life. But should she leave now with broken heart? Would she say yes and give herself – and them – another try? She couldn't tell. But she was tired of waiting for something that would never happen.
Jack saw the truth in her eyes. So that's why she came. That's why she hadn't said yes. Sam stood still and let him process it.
"I am not asking you for solution or a plan or whatever. I just need to know, Jack. I need to hear it because right now I just can't settle for hoping and assuming."
And that's all she's ever had. She could only hope and assume. She could read in between the lines and cherish the little moments they shared. Little she knew he wasn't doing any better. Plus he had his doubts about himself being enough for her.
Sam decided to give him some time and walked inside.
Jack was so taken aback that he didn't realize the ring was still on his table. Well, too late.
It took them both few minutes. Sam didn't even try to process what she saw on the table. Her head would burst. Jack on the other hand did a lot of thinking. So this was it. The moment he had been waiting for. The moment that would spin his world.
He came inside and closed the door. He walked to her and took his grandmother's ring from her hands not saying a word. He traced the ring with his finger and took a deep breath.
"Jack..." She whispered. He closed the box and put it aside.
"Yes." He said and she wasn't quite sure if it was the answer or just... what?
"Yes, Samantha Carter, I do love you. I have loved you for a very long time and I am pretty sure I always will."
She could feel tears in her eyes again. He came closer.
"But it doesn't mean that we would work out. I am old and so not good for you. And this thing between us might be long gone and we just didn't realize. Too much has happened Sam." He said and she knew he was right. It could all be just a memory of love that once was.
"For a man that hates talking you're doing pretty good." She said instead.
"Sam, you and Pete... It's killing me, okay? But he's good for you. And with him you can have the life you want and deserve. Your normal life, nice house, kids... everything." He said and she could tell he was trying to run away from her. But now, knowing how he felt, she was not about to let him.
He was spent and couldn't really say more. He hated talking!
He sat down onto his couch, his head in palms of his hands. He didn't know what would happen next and he didn't care.
Sam watched him and understood completely. But she made it this far. She wouldn't turn away. She came to him and stood in front of him. She touched his head, running her fingers through his hair. He let her.
She desperately wanted to say something but couldn't come up with anything that would express all she needed to. Well, less talking, more doing, right?
She knelt down and made him look into her eyes. He was tired and vulnerable. So was she. She caressed his face, traced the line of his old scars, even the one he had from her over his eyebrow. And he still let her. He was selfishly enjoying it.
She closed the distance between them and kissed him softly on the lips. And there were no fireworks as she thought there would be. But she felt him respond. So she waited. She looked into his eyes again and let him decide what to do. She couldn't. It was too much.
"Just one kiss..." She said and waited.
"Okay." He replied and she saw the change in him. His eyes were darker. He cupped her face, caressed her cheek and then when she nodded, knowing fully what he was about to do, he kissed her. And he kissed her like he always wanted to. No holding back. At first it was too new for them to enjoy it properly but in few seconds Sam straightened up and embraced him, locking him close to her. And so they kissed, they explored and devoured, they put everything into it.
When they parted, both breathless and flushed, Jack knew he was doomed. Sam's head was spinning but she felt like never before. Not a single kiss with Pete felt like that. One kiss... her mother used to say she would know everything from one kiss...
"Come here..." He said softly and she sat down next to him and made herself comfortable in his arms, both of them having their feet on the coffee table.
"Sam..."
"Shh... "She shushed him and closed her eyes.
He felt her relax into him and soon she was asleep. She was safe. With him. In his arms. So she just fell asleep. Happy and confused and worried but safe and feeling loved.
Jack was tired and wanted nothing more than to fall asleep. But he knew how his back and knees would hurt in the morning. Carter was in no state to be woken up and having to ride her bike home. So he took her to his bedroom, put her down onto the bed and taking off her shoes, he wanted to let her sleep.
"Stay." She said softly, sleeping.
Jack lied down next to her. This was one of his fantasies, sleeping with her in his bed. And sleeping as sleeping, just like this. He had to admit the kiss was very very good. But he knew her. She would wake up and start to analyze. And what about him? He could give her this one night of peaceful sleep but that was it. He didn't dare to hope. Plus he still wasn't convinced this was right.
Be he needed this one night badly so he lied down next to her and fell asleep.
During the night she drifted to him so in the morning he woke up with her warm body snuggled close. So it wasn't a dream... He stayed still, enjoying the last moments with her in his arms.
And then the phone rang.
"O'Neill. – okay – thank you." He said and put it down again. When he looked at Carter she had her eyes closed but he could tell she wasn't asleep.
"Good morning, Carter." He said and played a bit with her hair. She smiled lazily.
"Morning..." She smiled up at him and he felt himself falling for her once again.
"They found Teal'c. They're on their way to the base."
"And Krista?"
"Nope, just T."
Sam moved a bit so she could look at him more properly.
"I'm not letting you, you know?" She said and took him by a surprise.
"You're not letting me what?"
"I'm not letting you push me away."
"Sam..." Damned! She was smart. She could read him like a book. He had to watch himself.
"Don't. Just don't. I do love you, Jack O'Neill and I'm not a little girl you have to protect. I can make my own choices. And a long time ago I chose you. And I want to give this – give us – a try."
"I'm still your commander, Carter."
"I know. And we will deal with that later. We've waited too long and lost too much. I'm done." And she sounded so sure.
"And what if it doesn't work out?"
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." She said – and he recognized one of his phrases.
She saw him thinking and so she did the only thing she was sure would stop the process. She pulled him down for a morning kiss. Jack had to restrain himself. He was just a mortal man for God's sake!
"Carter..."
"Yes?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
She said and sat up. She looked at him and finally took his hand into her own.
"We don't need to figure everything out now. We have time. No pressure. First things first. Let's go to the base to talk to Teal'c."
Sam suggested and Jack couldn't get used to this side of her. What changed? What happened?
She knew she wasn't acting like her usual self but something changed in her. She didn't feel lost anymore. She found her anchor again.
They had a lot of work ahead of themselves and some quite difficult times as well. But it seemed that finally things were out of that damn room. They still had to be careful but not for long hopefully. They had a lot to talk about. And some things would probably stay in the past.
Sam couldn't wait to ask about the amazing ring she noticed the night before. What was it? Why did he have it? Was it meant for her? He said he couldn't give her the life Pete could but she wasn't so sure... Well they would see.
When she took a shower he made coffee. He took a shower as she drank her morning coffee. She had to go home to change first so she wanted to leave as soon as possible. She knew that the last night couldn't happen again till they had things sorted out. They would have to be more careful. Well they had some practice in that.
But finding her new brave self she didn't just leave the house. She came to the bedroom and knocked.
"Coming." He answered and she didn't wait for him to come out. She opened the door and found him shirtless, all wet and damp, he couldn't be sexier.
"Hey Carter, all ready to go?"
"Almost." She said and took the three remaining steps towards him. She wanted to run her fingers through the hair on his chest but didn't do it. They didn't need more temptation at work.
"I just want one last kiss." She said softly and the smile he gave her warmed her all the way down to her toes.
And so he kissed her and it was nothing like the night before. It was deep and full of love and promises. When they parted she searched his eyes and found doubts there but also something very deep.
"Since the first day I knew you would be trouble..." He said with a smile. She smiled back and without another word she left his house. They had a friend to save. And future to figure out. And she had something she needed to deal with. Pete.
First idea was just to fill the gaps in the episodes. Jack was supposed to let her go and say yes to Pete. But well... sue me ;o))
And all mistakes are mine and mine only! I haven't written in English in ages so my humble apologies.