A/N: So I had actually started on this a week or so ago, and I only realised it was Hijikata's birthday a few days back. Typical me, I panicked and decided to just pass this off as a gift to him, despite the fact that it was initially an Okita-centric story. Ah well. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Gintama. I would have put even more dirty jokes if I did.

Ping. Ping. Ping. Hijikata Toushirou's eyelids started drooping. Ping. . Nearly closed now. Ping. Ping. Watch out, fukuchou [Vice-commander]! Huh? That didn't sound right. Hijikata slowly opened his eyes and his head was immediately snapped back as something firm yet slightly spongy hit him in the dead-centre of his forehead. He bolted upright with a start and grabbed whatever it was that hit him, not even bothering to check what it was.

"Shit! Fukuchou, are you alri-" A black haired man yelled out, dropping the source of the offending weapon from his hand and running up to help his senior.

"Yamazaki!" Hijikata stumbled to his feet and roared, crushing the shuttlecock in his hand against the poor spy's forehead, forcing him down onto the ground. Yamazaki Sagaru trembled as he slowly looked up from the sandy, dusty earth at the demon towering above him, feeling the heat of the dark, purple aura around Hijikata lap at his face.

"Oi. Yamazaki," Hijikata's face twisted into a sick, deranged smile, his voice ice cold. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Yamazaki's eyes widened, his jaw hanging slightly open. "N-no! I swear it wasn't, it really wasn't! I'm sorry! Fukuchou! I'm sorr-"

A deep, broken chuckle escaped Hijikata's sneering mouth, "I know your plans, Yamazaki. I know your plans! After all these years of being our little errand boy, you finally decided you had enough. You wanted to stand up for yourself! And thus you formulated a carefully thought-out plan to get rid of me didn't you? You wanted to take me out using," Hijikata bent down and picked up the shuttlecock, "this! This lethal weapon of destruction!"

Blink. Another blink. Yamazaki stared up at his senior. "No, fukuchou. That couldn't take out a mouse." The spy's eyes narrowed a little, "Fu-fukuchou? Are you you okay?"

"Toshi!" A whine sounded out, coming closer towards them. The two Shinsengumi officers turned their heads to the source of the sound, only to be greeted by a gorilla trampling towards them.

"Author-san! You just called me a gorilla! I'm Kondou! Kondou!" What an intelligent gorilla. It can even speak human words! The gorilla, with tears somehow streaming down his eyes for an unknown reason, hooked an arm around Hijikata's shoulders, the way he should have, instead of not following my writing and speaking something that had nothing to do with the plot line of this story. The gorilla lowered his voice, casting glances around, "Forgive Toshi, Yamazaki. He becomes a little grouchy whenever his sleep's disturbed." Then he stared pointedly at the man in his arm, "We're in public, Toshi. You're embarrassing us!"

Hijikata growled, "I don't see why we have to come see a badminton match. This has nothing to do with protecting Edo and doing heroic stuff like everyone expects us to."

The gorilla raised an eyebrow, "And do we ever do that?"

"Well, no, but-" Hijikata muttered.

"Then it's fine!" The gorilla cheered, tightening his arm slung around his subordinate. "We're just here to give Yamazaki moral support! You know how much this competition means to him."

Hijikata glared at the ground, "Yamazaki doesn't need moral support."

Pointing eagerly at a dead-looking figure next to the spot Hijikata was sitting at, the gorilla grinned, "Look! Even Sougo's behaving himself! He's just obediently sitting down!"

"That's because the bastard's asleep! I don't see any moral support there!"

The gorilla cheerfully hummed as if his vice-commander hadn't said anything and patted Hijikata's back, "Just enjoy the match!" His gaze shot towards Yamazaki. "And good luck in the game!"

With the wind buffeting the gorilla's fur, his feet leaving shallow markings on the dirt ground, the gorilla turned its back, walking towards the sun. The gorilla would have actually looked really cool, except…

"Oi! You're leaving! What happened to moral support! Oi! Kondou!" Hijikata yelled out, furiously gnashing his tobacco-stained teeth.

Hijikata clenched and unclenched his fist, shoving past a confused Yamazaki and plopping himself down where he was sitting beforehand, right next to a dozing Okita Sougo. He glared at the sleeping figure, trying to burn through the sadist with his gaze alone, as though the young captain was the cause of his current predicament. Well, he's the cause of all my other problems at least, Hijikata sighed, pulling out a cigarette and his mayo-lighter, lighting it and taking the other end into his mouth. Unimpressed, Hijikata propped up his chin with his arm, which was hitched up on his knee. He lazily stared at the game, not processing what was happening as his eyes mindlessly moved left and right, following the taunting shuttlecock from the uncomfortable wooden bench he was on.

The vice-commander heard a quiet snort and he turned to Sougo, who had started snoring ever so softly. With nothing else to entertain himself with, Hijikata stared at the brat, taking in the thin trickle of drool coming down the corner of his mouth and the surprising absence of the boy's ridiculous eyemask. Even in his slumber, the teenager was gripping his sword tightly, as though ready for an attack at any moment. Or just a chance to try and kill Hijikata. Sougo's soft, chestnut-brown hair was splayed out and ruffled against the bench he was draped over, reflecting the sun just a little.

A small murmur escaped Sougo's lips as he twitched, slowly turning over so he was lying right on his back, groaning as he did so.

The corners of Hijikata's lips curled up slightly in a smirk, pulling out his handphone to snap photographs. Blackmail, Hijikata chanted in his head, reaching for a black marker from his pocket, his mood immediately much better. He needed leverage against the teenager for the future, no matter how small, just to hopefully get the upper hand the next time they argue.

Sougo's twitches became much worse, however, and he turned back to lie on his side, curling up as he did so and making himself seem much smaller and a lot more helpless than he was.

A frown crossed Hijikata's features and the device in his hand dipped lower. "S-Sougo?"

The sleeping teenager's mouth curled into a pout, something Hijikata hadn't seen Sougo do in years. Completely ignoring the match, Hijikata looked on at Sougo with curious interest. He faintly heard cheering behind him and the sounds of people beginning to leave, contestants shaking hands and patting each other on the back, but everything became a blur around him as he intently waiting for Sougo's next actions.

Okita Sougo pulled off a bigger, much more annoying pout and he let go of his katana, pulling his hands closer to his chest. "Aneue [Elder sister]," Okita whined, and the phone immediately slipped out of Hijikata's calloused hand, landing with a muffled thud on the bench.

Hijikata mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, forming silent, unspoken words. Aneue? A small hint of sadness crossed Hijikata's face, and he felt almost sympathetic to the teenager. It's been months since then… and Sougo was still dreaming of her. After weeks of waking up screaming her name, after countless sleepless nights of sniffling and remorse, Hijikata had slowly erased Mitsuba from his thoughts, a mind block created by himself to never remind him of her, and here Sougo still could not forget his beloved older sister. Hijikata bit his trembling lower lip and listened carefully.

"That annoying new guy is still at the dojo. I don't like him. I don't get why Kondou-san follows him around like some puppy," Sougo mumbled disdainfully, his voice laced with obvious jealousy.

Hijikata blinked. The teenager was living in the past, just when he was a young boy. Did Sougo really complain to Mitsuba about him? Hijikata mentally sighed. Mitsuba must have seen him as some loser-like mayonnaise freak whose only distinguishing feature was the ability to piss off her younger brother like no one else could.

Sougo immediately flinched and hesitantly stammered, "N-no, I promise I didn't fight with him today." Sougo quickly added in, "Or try to kill him either."

Lies! Hijikata seethed. There had not been one day where Hijikata hadn't had poisoning from laxatives in his mayonnaise or found his cigarette 'mysteriously' replaced with a stick of dynamite, and he especially hadn't gone through a whole twenty four hours without having to dodge at least one shot from a bazooka.

Frowning, Sougo squeaked, "No, I didn't! Why would you believe what that gorilla says?"

Oi, Sougo. That gorilla happened to be your only friend.

Sougo clenched his fists, which would have been much tinier in his dream considering his age then, and shrunk back, looking almost repentant, which Hijikata was not expecting to ever live long enough to see on the sadist's face. "S-sorry, aneue," He murmured, just barely loud enough for Hijikata to hear.

Hijikata immediately doubled over, spitting out his cigarette and pressing his palm firmly against his mouth to prevent his laughter from leaving his lips. Now THAT could have been used as blackmail, the vice-commander chortled silently, trying to steady his breathing. Feeling slightly guilty at laughing in such a solemn situation, Hijikata took in a deep, shaky breath and flashed a glance back at the sleeping boy and instinctively crouched over again, his shoulders trembling from mute laughter. There was no way Okita would ever be seen apologising to anyone for anything, except probably Kond- I mean, gorilla. A small smile inched its way towards his face. Sougo used to actually be pretty cute and sweet. Not to Hijikata, of course. Or gorilla. Alright, or to anyone else for that matter. But at least towards his sister, which is an improvement from now, considering Sougo isn't nice to anyone anymore.

Sougo sulked cutely, his face red now, "Of course I hate Hijikata. He eats dog foo- sorry, mayonnaise." Then he raised his voice, his eyes squeezed tightly, "And he's an asshole!"

Ass…hole? Hijikata gawked, not even sure from where the captain of the first division would have learnt that word when he was still a young child. His sadistic trait had also formed from quite young though, so it probably shouldn't be much of a surprise.

Apparently also slightly shocked at himself, he immediately corrected himself, "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that, aneue." Then slowly, he puffed out his chest and a proud grin adorned his otherwise normal sleeping face, "I meant to say that he was a big, fat, stupid asshole!"

That wasn't funny, young Sougo. That means exactly the same thing.

Sougo doubled back, frowning confusedly. "Aneue?" He prodded carefully. "Why are you laughing?"

Suddenly, Sougo recoiled and hissed, "Hijikata! What are you doing…" Sougo's big, red eyes blinked open, "here?"

The captain slunk back a little, the sun too bright for his now-open eyes. He let out a small groan and lazily sat up, rubbing his crimson orbs as he mumbled a sleepy, "Hijikata-san?" The increasingly-annoying teenager yawned, "Good morning-desaa."

Hijikata felt his eyebrow twitch, "It's almost evening, you damn brat." He sighed and lightly hit the back of his subordinate's head, sand-brown hair unruly and sticking up in the oddest places.

Sougo winced in false pain and rubbed the spot he was hit gingerly, mocking his senior. "That hurt, Hijikata-san."

Gritting his teeth, Hijikata muttered, "What are you, ten? Of course that didn't hurt."

The young captain shrugged, looking out at the empty court spread out in front of them. Only a few Shinsengumi members lingered, considering the fact that it was their off-day. Gorilla-san must have left to have fun. Or stalk. Though more than probably the latter. "Die Hijikata," He dead-panned, just to fill the silence.

"You die first, Sougo."

Stretching his arms above his head and letting out a soft groan, Sougo lay back down on the bench, not tired, but simply relaxed.

His round eyes, a stark contrast to Hijikata's sharp, eagle-like ones, were more hazed than usual, as though distracted, and mind not quite there. A melancholic aura seemed to drift around him, and Hijikata shuddered involuntarily at how unfamiliar he was with this feeling. It was like the younger subordinate was still thinking about his earlier dream, mind still processing what had happened in it.

"You're an asshole, Hijikata-san."

The corners of Hijikata's lips twitched upwards just a little and he smirked, "That's a bad word, Sougo."

Red eyes clearer and opened slightly wider than they were before, Sougo looked up at the vice-commander from where he lay. "Sorry, Hijikata-san." A hint of arrogance crept into his voice, an unusual change from his monotonous way of speaking, "I meant to say that you were a big, fat, stupid asshole."

Hijikata snorted and started chuckling to himself, unable to control his amusement at Sougo's attempt to give a witty retort.

Glaring up at his senior, Sougo grumbled, "What's so funny, you bastard?"

Not expecting a reply, the young captain turned over to his side, facing out towards the dusty yet beautiful court. Involuntarily, a small smile slowly crept up onto his face, just ever so slightly, and he breathed out contently.

Hijikata stole a glance at Sougo, his soft laughter dying down. "Oi, what're you smiling about?"

"Nothing really. Just had a nice dream, that's all."

~ End ~

Omake (Bonus Scene):

His body tensing up in a yawn, Sougo drawled, "Ne, isn't this supposed to be a birthday tribute to you, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata frowned, understanding what his subordinate was implying, "Actually, yeah. Why was the whole story about you then?"

"Maybe I'm just more likeable than you, Hijikata-san?"

"Huh? What'd you say, you brat? I attained first place in the most recent character popularity poll," Hijikata retorted testily.

"But I was ranked higher than you in the other two polls," Sougo pointed out.

"What's in the past was in the past," Hijikata shrugged, brushing off the subject. "Now how do we make this story more birthday-ish?"

"I'm astounded by your vocabulary, Hijibaka-san. 'Birthday-ish' shouldn't be the type of childish slang a vice-commander uses."

"I don't want to hear that from someone who just called me Hijibaka!" Hijikata snapped, then took in a drag of his cigarette in impatience. "Look, let's not digress from the intention of the omake, Sougo. Since the author was too incompetent to write a proper birthday fanfiction, we'll have to do it for her." Hijikata sighed, exhaling out a wisp of smoke, "How troublesome."

"Or we could completely ignore your birthday-desuzee."

"Let's go with my idea instead," Hijikata quickly cut in. "Just say a simple 'Happy birthday, Hijikata-san' and we'll be done with this."

Nodding, Sougo agreed. "Alright. Fall off a cliff and die, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata sighed in resignation, "Never mind, let's just completely ignore my birthday like you suggested."

Face brightened up, like a child knowing he had just helped, or in actual fact, disturbed, his parents, Sougo hummed, "Good idea, Hijikata-san."