My name is Codename: Otacon, and yes, I've been with more than a few ladies. Biddies, you might say. First Sniper Wolf (Codename: KGBiddy) and then on down the list. I don't remember all the names, okay? I just know you seem sexy when you're in a hardcore mission against secret government forces. If you can't get a girl while you're saving the world, then you're probably Solid Snake.
"I just don't understand it," Snake hisses next to me in the club, the smoke from his cigarette curling through the pumping dance music. Yellow, blue and pink flashing lights catch the hard lines dug into his face, markings won from years of rejecting Meryl for literally no reason. "You piss your pants in the face of danger. How do you bed these women? What do you even say?" Snake grimaces. I turn my head to Snake and give him a smile.
"Oh, I don't say anything," I say, "I just fix these baby browns on'em and let them say it all for me." I've taken Snake here to get laid. It's just time. He does all these stressful missions, his relationship to his mother is weird, and he meets nothing but crazy bitches with war-torn pasts whom he has to punch in the face. It's time I showed him the ropes on getting out in the field for once. I just wish he would take it better.
"Hey, when your women get shot do you use your own tampons to wipe up the blood?" Snake says through clouds of cigarette smoke. It's true. Sometimes my bitches kick the bucket, and you know what? I cry about it. I cry about pretty much everything. You might go so far as to say I'm a big blubbering vagina. But you know what? That's what's in right now. I even thought about getting a pair of those obnoxiously tight pants. You know, Man-Corsets. But it doesn't look good with my lab coat. Raiden goes for the tight pants look, of course. Not just tight, but leather. I don't know if you've realized this but Raiden is very, very gay. There's nothing wrong with this- I'd go gay for Raiden- except he keeps taking his clothes off during missions and claiming later he was held captive. Raiden is another dude who knows how to cry. Sensitive matters, people. If you're not sensitive, you can't get ladies.
A pretty lady dances her way up toward Snake. "Hm," Snake responds. He gingerly waves his cigarette side to side in time to the music.
"How old are you baby?" the lady asks.
"Old enough to know what death looks like," Snake says. Then he cocks his pistol and glares at her. The lady stares at him and then dances away. Raiden dances up in his signature pants and a fishnet top.
"You need to change your attitude," Raiden calls over the music.
"You need to change your clothing style," Snake says back.
"You're one to talk!" Raiden huffs, jiggling his hips.
Yeah, Snake is still wearing his combat uniform. The boots, the vest, the gloves, the bandana flapping in the wind- it's all there. It kinda makes me want to cry. You know what? I will. A girl comes over, we make out, I get some boob action. She leaves with my sister's number in her phone. The night's young, I'm not marrying shit. Snake puts out his cigarette on Raiden's chest.
"Oooh yeah," says Raiden.
"I'm outta here," Snake says. He unfolds a cardboard box from his pocket.
"Snake!" I yell, "Don't you get in that box!"
"I saw a litter of newborn bunnies this morning," Snake says. Oh my God life is so beautiful. I start crying. By the time I wipe my tears away I'm dancing with three girls and Snake is nowhere to be found. So I just keep dancing. We all get closer together. We all make out with each other. There's some touching going on. It's a nice little love circle.
"Well ladies? Shall we take this party to a cold, abandoned military base?" I inquire. Two of the ladies seem agreeable, but the other shakes her head. "What's wrong buttercup?" I ask her, trying not to pee my pants from the rejection.
"You're just not rough enough for me," the girl sighs.
"Not rough enough! I watched my sister die in front of me and walked away from it in slow motion!" I exclaim, "I built technology to turn myself invisible! How am I not rough enough?" The girl shakes her head and shrugs.
"I'm sorry but there's just nothing about you that screams 'scary mistake,'" the girl says flatly. A gloved hand holding a knife snakes over my shoulder and hovers in front of my throat.
"You have my car keys," Snake whispers in my ear. The girl's eyes light up. If you had told me earlier that today would be the day I had my first orgy on Shadow Moses, I would have told you, "Finally!" It's just been hard to fit that one in with all the 24-hour deadlines, you know?