A/N: Okay guys, I haven't updated like I was supposed to. I guess I'm veeerry lazy. But, I've started on the chapter's I'm meant to be writing and they should be up in a few hours/days. In the meantime, I felt the urge to go a little crazy.
Now, as all us Brits know, a Korean song has been sweeping the nation and I thought, hey! There aren't enough crack fics in the world.
By the way, you need to watch some Korean or Taiwanese dramas. They're seriously addictive.
Anyway, welcome to Hogwarts, the age of K-Pop, Cat Stevens, Nicki Minaj and Rebecca Black!Introducing... Hogwarts Style!
Enjoy.
DISCLAIMER:
I do not own Harry Potter, any of the below mentioned songs or one ounce of sanity. Pity me. I mean no harm.
WARNING:
severe crack ahead. If you are of a nervous dispostion, afraid of toilets, moving staircases and Draco Malfoy's dance moves, turn back now. If not, enter at your own peril... Mwa ha ha ha haaaa...Lol.
Song suggestions:
Gangnam Style by PSY.
Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens.
Starships by Nicki Minaj.
Fruday by Rebecca Black.
Kudos to anyone that spots the innuendo at the end.
*screen cuts to Hogwarts Greenhouse #1*
Professor Sprout, Professor of Herbology is enjoying a quiet summer's afternoon nap in her beloved greenhouse when a loud beat begins to thrum through the air, causing the small woman to fall from her hammock.
Her assistant, Neville Longbottom gallops past, doing strange movements with his arms and feet, further scaring the life out of his Professor.
Rubbing her eyes, Sprout's mouth falls open, leaving her looking like a gormless goldfish.
"Mr Longbottom! What. In. Circe's. Name. Are. You. Up. To?!"
He ignores her and begins to sing.
"Wizard's Hogwarts Style!... Hogwarts Style!"
"Mr Longbottom!"
"I wake in the morning, feeling dirty, pretty scary! Fingernails covered in this dirt!"
A female voice joins his.
"My cat's got fleas and so have I, the nasty, bitey and 'm wishing I could have a manicure.. Cure, c-c-c-c-ure..."
Granger is also doing the weird jiggy thing.
Sprout shakes her head, gets up and walks from the Greenhouse #1.
Outside, she encounters three more students, all doing the same obscene dance moves.
Sprout has begun to contract a headache.
"Wizard Hogwarts Style! Hogwarts Style! Op, op, op, op, oppa Hogwarts Style!"
"Dear Merlin, save me now." Whimpers a pitiful voice, belonging to the Transfiguration Professor, currently huddled under one of the Great Hall's large tables.
Sprout, feeling sympathetic, crawls under the table to join her colleague, just as yet another group of students gallops past. Then, all of a sudden, the fearful beat is cut, and Sprout, sighing in relief, drags herself and McGonagall out from under the table. "Well," she says happily, "I'm glad that's over."
"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Fri-day-y.." Sings Draco Malfoy, as he waltzes past, a certain dwarf Professor clasped in his arms, looking extremely terrified, to the amusement of other around them. The blonde keeps singing, apparently delighted to have an audience.
"Doo, doo, doo, doo!" Sings a fake falsetto, it's owner clumsily following his fellow Slytherin's steps. Crabbe looks as if he is in his element.
'Sweet Merlin! Could someone please explain what is happening?!" Shrieks the Herbology Professor, her many chins trembling furiously as she does so.
When no explanations are offered, she storms to the large windows and trys to calm herself. Only to see a herd of 'h'elephant-like' Hippogriffs parading round the gardens, waggling large backsides and mooing along.
The students dancing round the blonde decide to join in.
"Fun, fun, fun, fun, looking forward to Hogsmede weeekennd!"
Then, the Great Hall goes silent and, once again, Sprout sighs in relief. It seems that the horrendous racket that had been tormenting her poor ears was gone.
Striding up to McGonagall, as fast as pudgy legs allowed her, Sprout advanced.
"Minerva! I demand to know what this is all about!"
Minerva looking pensive, says one word.
"Starships."
She joins hands with the now circling students, each one spitting out a single word out as they circle past the tables, and up the stairs.
"Are."
"Meant."
"To fly, ay, ay, ay, ay."
"Hands up!"
"And touch the sky."
"Let's do this one more ti-i-I-ime!"
Her migraine increasing by the second, Sprout follows the dancing wizard's and witches down one set of stairs, up another, through a hallway and down two more sets. Then, being magical, the staircases begin to move and the dancing maniacs are put off, and fall into disarray, some falling down, some to the left, some to the right, Luna Lovegood of course, floating to the ceiling.
Screams echo round the staircases and, looking satisfied, and dusting her hands off smugly, Sprout waddles off.
Meanwhile, down in the dungeons, a bat is busy preening.
Peering into his goth-like full length mirror, Snape examines himself from head to toe, nodding his head slowly and thoughtfully.
"Ridiculously thin, scrawny legs with a bulge of muscle near the ankles, a parody of a six pack and a mockery of a flat stomach. Strong arms that really do not suit the rest of my body, a large head, greasy hair and an abnormally large nose."
He grins uncharacteristically, yellow teeth pushing over his bottom lip in an enormous overbite.
"And of course," he continues, "we mustn't forget Little Severus."
He reaches down, only to feel a cold hand stop him.
Looking up, the Potion's Professor sees his wife, covered in dirt and leaves, her round roly-poly body smashing against his, nearly knocking him over.
Sprout, deciding to let go and live, has joined in with the singing madness. She drags theman into the shower and proceeds to do extremely dirty, unmentionable things to him.
Who knew leaves and Fillyroots had such a purpose?!
We hear Snape's crack voice, as Sprout rises to harmonise with him.
"Morning has brooookeeeennnnnnnnnn!"
Moments later, we find ourselves traveling back up from the dungeons, and out of the world of Harry Potter, into the strange world of Muggle things.
Ms. JK Rowling sits, head in hands, staring at the laptop placed delicately in front of her on the table of the coffee shop she visits regularly and groans in disbelief. After seeing the perverted fanfictions her fans have written about the Harry Potter characters, she decides there and then to retire early and hand over ownership of the Wizarding world to a young developing author named memorieslost05.
Hint, hint.