Well here we are again; time for the 2nd annual Marty the Martian tale of Snoggletog. This one is a bit longer than last year and also a bit different. I started writing it in late October but had not even finished the first chapter when I realised it was dull and soppy, so I threw it out and left the whole thing alone for a month till I could come up with something better (I hope).

There is a little bit of action/adventure near the end but I hope you will still find most of it funny. I used a bit of sexual frustration, gross out humour and even a smidgen of gratuitous comic nudity. I don't think it will offend anyone but I suppose you all will let me know if I'm wrong.

There are quite a few call backs to characters and situations from some earlier tales too but it should still be understandable to anyone who hasn't read the other stories.

How to Ruin the Perfect Vacation

or

A Shield Maid's Tale

Chapter 1

Two days flight east-southeast of Berk, is the country of Elydonia with the former Empire of New Loren sitting on its southern border. These two countries were once ruled by a pair of despotic leaders until King Rekkur of Elydonia sent his son to claim the islands of the Berk Archipelago for his own. By the time the Dragon Riders had finished dealing with Rekkur, Elydonia had a new and much better king, and New Loren had ceased being an Empire had been turned into a loosely connected group of allied nation states.

The new trade routes opened up by these changes of government, were the main reason why Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third now stood in his kitchen a few days before Snoggletog, contemplating how much vanilla he should mix into the drink recipe he was working on. The secondary reason was his desperate desire to make a better festive beverage than the fermented globular, vomit inducing mess that is Yak Nog.

The first step had been to start with fresh Yak milk and cream and the second was to try out a few of the newest spices he had obtained on his last trip to Bolthorn Castle. The third step was to include the main ingredient, a honey coloured liquid that was quickly becoming the most popular alcoholic drink on the island; Fine Elydonian Brandy.

In the past, any Viking wishing to indulge in an after dinner tipple (following his 'before dinner drink' and his 'mid meal booze up'), only had three drinks to choose from. These were Beer, Mead and a highly refined grain alcohol that apart from making the drinker temporarily blind, could also be used to disinfect wounds, remove paint, or polish tainted metals (although it would often dissolve some of the softer alloys). This noxious stuff was so strong, in sufficient quantities it could even be used to reignite an extinguished volcano.

The only problem related to the Elydonian Brandy's new found popularity, was the fact that Vikings had absolutely no concept of the shot glass. This meant they would either fill up their beer steins with this liquid gold or simply drink it straight from the bottle, meaning King Joric of Bolthorn had been forced to commission the building of a new distillery, five times bigger than the one that supplied Elydonian Brandy the rest of the known world.

Meanwhile as Hiccup continued with his task, his fiancée Astrid Hofferson stepped out of her front door ready to greet the day. For most people, greeting the day would mean a smile and a song, but for Astrid it usually involved a Battleaxe and a loud war cry.

She could not help but be excited because of what this day would bring and she had been looking forward to it for weeks. Two years ago the dragons had suddenly disappeared (along with Hiccup when his metal leg became firmly attached to Meatlug) causing much dismay on the island of Berk, as no one knew for sure if the dragons would ever come back again. The Vikings were all relieved to find out that it was simply the right time of year for the beasts to gather together on Dragon Island and lay their eggs, in order to raise a new batch of baby dragons. Last year Hiccup had gone back alone to help transport the new hatchlings back to Berk but this year, Astrid was going too.

"Good morning Chief" the young warrior sang out as she skipped into Stoick's home.

"Well if it isn't my favourite daughter in law" Stoick beamed.

Even though Astrid and Hiccup would not marry for several more years, Stoick had decided none of that mattered and as far as he was concerned and she was already part of the family.

"Where will I find our one legged wonder today Chief?" Astrid asked.

"He's in the kitchen" Stoick replied "I assume he's getting ready for your trip to Dragon Island."

"Thank you" she waved as she headed to the back of the house.

Deep in her heart, Astrid new she could put her trust in Hiccup with confidence. Nonetheless she knew precisely what she would do if she ever found him in the arms of another woman; as you can probably guess, it would involve her axe and a liberal amount of decapitation. But she had not prepared herself to cope with what she found when she pulled aside the Yak skin curtain and entered the kitchen.

"Hiccup... no... how could you" Astrid said in a very weak voice.

"What?" Hiccup shrugged.

"You're... you're making a... a...a..."

"I'm not making an ah ah ah, I'm making a special Snoggletog drink" he admitted.

"But... my Yak Nog..."

"Is digusting! Sorry Astrid I love you dearly but I don't think I could stomach another mug of sour fermented Yaks milk."

Astrid clapped the back of her right hand against her forehead and fell back onto the doorframe.

"Oh the betrayal" she sobbed "How could you do this to the woman who will someday bear your children?"

"Stop being so melodramatic and just try it" Hiccup sighed.

"Okay" Astrid smiled as she took the offered mug.

She looked at the frothy head with great suspicion as if she half expected to find a fake spider inside.

"What's this brown stuff on the top?"

"It's called cinnamon; I promise it's not poisonous."

"You first" Astrid thrust the mug back at Hiccup.

"WILL YOU JUST TRY IT!?" he cried out in frustration.

"Alright alright" Astrid finally succumb and took a sip.

"Mmmm" she stated and took another.

"mmmMMMmmm" she repeated and drained the rest in one gulp.

Hiccup smiled at Astrid's obvious satisfaction with his creation, but his joy did not last long.

"OWW! What was that for?" he yelled when the love of his life punched him hard in the arm.

"It's too good" Astrid declared "No one will ever want my Yak Nog ever again.

"Toothless loves your Yak Nog" Hiccup tried to console her.

"Wonderful" she threw her arms up in disgust "So I've been relegated down to being a supplier of festive beverages for dragons!"

"A supplier of festive beverages for dragons, who's beauty and strength are beyond compare" Hiccup declared as he gazed into her eyes.

"A bunch of sweet talk won't save you" Astrid sneered.

Without saying another word, Hiccup swung one arm around Astrid's waist. She yelped in surprise as he pulled her close and caressed her cheek with his other hand. Slowly he moved his lips closer, till she melted at the touch of his kiss.

"Okay" she smirked "There is a good chance that might save you."

And we're off for another year! Next chapter in just over a day and should be all up before Christmas, depending on where in the world you are.

Thanks, Marty.