My excuse is it's late at night and I've been reading other people's crack fic. So... here's mine, though it's a class above what I've been reading lately. Call it class-crack. xp
I don't own the original Death Note characters, but I lay some claim to their alter egos.
Premise: The Death Note Manga and Anime were based on true events. This is the story of the people involved in the original Kira case.
"I still say it was stupid of them to make a manga about it, let alone an anime," Mello complained.
"Don't forget the live-action movies," Matt added, not sounding upset.
"And you're the one who allowed yourself to be interviewed for the spin-off novel," Near reminded him.
"Aw, I didn't know they were going to make it sound like I wrote the thing!" Mello whined. "And they revealed a truckload of stuff that the public wasn't supposed to know about…"
"It doesn't matter," L assured him. "Kira is locked away and the tablets have been destroyed. And whenever a 'real name' was mentioned, they put a fake one in the script. Like yours was Mihael, right? And mine was flippin' Lawliet… yeah, that doesn't sound sissy."
"I still can't believe it's so popular," Nisa said. "I'm so glad I don't have any memories of all the crap I've been through. To think I was the second Kira…"
"Let's not think about it," Mello muttered.
"Anyway," said Near, "it's not like people will be trying to find us and mob us—they'll think we all died like in the anime."
"Everyone but you!" Mello said bitterly. "Why the heck did you get to live, anyway?"
"Kira died; I liked that," Matt said with a smile.
"Mm, he may still be executed," L said. "The jury's still out on that."
Mello's eyes widened. "They actually had a trial?"
"No, I meant the figurative jury."
"Oh. Sheesh."
"Anyway, we can debate about what should be done with him later. Right now there are cases to solve…"
"That's really all you think about, isn't it?" Matt asked. "Come on, man, we saved the flippin' world. Take a vacation…"
"I've solved only eighteen cases in the couple of years since we caught Kira. Do you realize how selfish that was of me?"
"L, you're too nice," Mello said seriously. "Learn to embrace your selfishness."
"I never understand your conversations," Near put in.
"Neither do I," said Nisa. "But I don't really care to. Near-kun, I think it's a shame we never got to know each other before now. You're such a quiet, thoughtful person…"
"Oh, gag!" Mello exclaimed. "Nisa-chan's coming on to Near-face."
"Don't diss me because you're no competition," Near said expressionlessly.
Matt grinned. "Whoa. Mello got served!"
"Shut up," Mello told him.
"Besides," Near added, "in the fan fiction world, Nisa is gaining some popularity…"
"Huh? I am?" Nisa asked.
"Sorry, I mean the ship 'Nisa.'"
The others looked bemused.
"The pairing?" Near tried again.
"Wai—ait," Mello said slowly. "Are you saying that 'Nisa' stands for 'Near/Misa?'"
Matt's eyes grew wide and he smiled. "There's a name for it? All right! Kudos, Near-kun!" He high-fived the pale-haired boy. "And I thought Mattello would haunt me forever… this almost makes up for it."
"Mattello?" Mello demanded.
"Sure, haven't you looked into this at all?" L asked.
"N…no… why would I?"
L put a hand on Mello's shoulder. "It's ok, Mello-kun. There are over two thousand fanfic stories about me and Kira on FF dot net alone."
"What?" Mello cried as realization came over him. "Who would do something like that?"
"You mean pair those two, or fall in love with Kira?" Matt asked. Then he added to Nisa, "No offense."
Nisa smiled at him. "It's fine. I don't remember any of that anyway. What upsets me is how everyone… even the anime… makes me look so darn stupid. I mean, I know I can be annoying, but I wasn't that bad, right? Please tell me I wasn't…"
There was a short silence before the others began laughing.
"You weren't," L said mercifully.
Nisa looked uncertain, but she smiled. "OK. Well, even if I was, I know I'm not that bad now. I just wish I didn't have to stay here…"
"I'm sorry, but the proverbial jury is still out on your case, too. You've behaved well while under task force headquarters arrest, but how do we know there aren't any more tablets out there? How do we know this isn't part of the plan?"
"It's been years, L."
"I know. It's just that you can't prove a negative. We can never be certain of you, even if you're certain of yourself. Because you may just not remember your plans."
Nisa sighed dejectedly.
"You've got us, though," Matt said. "Come on, I'll find a juicy Lisa fic to read you…"
L turned toward him sharply. "A what? Don't tell me…"
Matt shrugged. "I dunno if they're calling it that or not—I just came up with it."
"Well, I don't think you need to fill your head with ideas like that. Besides, I want to use your computer skills…"
"I am not a tool!" Matt exclaimed, exaggerating his dismay.
"Yes, you are," Mello contradicted. "And don'tcha forget it. Just a little pawn on my proverbial chessboard…"
"That's mean," said Nisa.
"He doesn't mean it," Near assured her. "Tell you what—we'll let Saya come see you again."
"Oh, that would be nice," Nisa agreed. "It's funny… I remember liking Night, but I remember more about his sister."
"That's because she was barely involved with the tablets," L explained. "Your memories of her were barely disturbed."
"When she comes over, we can decide what color to dye your hair," she told Near happily.
Near eyed her askance. "I… don't know about that," he said.
Nisa crossed her arms. "I have to stay here and have fake scenery for my photo shoots to make people think I'm still out in the public and active—I can't appear on live TV or go to any of my favorite stores or restaurants—the least you can do is let me practice cosmetology on you!"
"OK, ok," Near relented.
Mello gawked. "You're agreeing?"
"Jealous," Near asked, then boldly added, "pretty boy?"
"Oh, it's on. You are so dead, sucker!"
"I'm going to visit Night again tomorrow," L decided, ignoring the hair-talk. "Can you all behave while I'm gone?"
"If we don't, Watari will kill us," Matt said.
Mello laughed. "No, he won't…"
"Watari may not scare you, but he scares the heck out of me."
"Cuz of that time he caught you hacking into the Wimsey House database?"
"Hey, you weren't supposed to talk about that. You said you wouldn't!" Matt whined.
"Yeah, well. I didn't promise. Besides, it doesn't matter now. If I told them why you were doing it, it would matter…"
"Shut up!" Matt growled.
L sighed. "Look, I'm going to bed. Please don't stay up all night."
The others paused in their conversations to chorus "We won't!"
Something may possess me to write more later. We'll see how late I stay up tomorrow night...