I had been sitting in the kitchen for the better half of an hour, quietly munching away on an apple while trying to separate my thoughts into neat piles instead of the jumbled mess they were in now.

Edward.

I sighed. He was the kind of thing that happens in your life that you hardly believe. Something so good, so uplifting. It was as he had restored my faith in…well, anything at all and just the thought of losing him felt like losing that newly-restored faith; losing the will to live all together.

I shook myself out of that thought and reached for another apple. Taking a big, juicy bite, another thought popped in my head.

Jacob.

He was something else. He was nothing like Edward. Sure he had the grace, the beauty, the uncanny way of knowing exactly what I was thinking without me having to say anything; and basically, he got me. But otherwise, where Jacob was easy-going and all jokes, Edward was serious and mysterious. Where Edward made my heart leap out my chest whenever I saw, heard or even smelled him, Jake was like a cup of hot cocoa on a very cold afternoon. Although I didn't hyperventilate when he was near, whenever I thought of him, there was a nagging ache in my belly that wouldn't go away; the feeling you get when you've forgotten something very important.

"Bella?" My father's voice called out finally snapping me out of a comparative assessment of the two most important men in my life.

"Sorry Dad. Totally fazed out." I threw the half eaten apple in the bin and set about clearing various admission forms that Edward had left for me off the table. "Hungry?"

Charlie looked a little sheepish. "No, I had pizza with Billy" I whipped around at the statement.

"What?!"

"Billy and I happened to be friends before you and Jake decided to hang out"

"Was Jake there?" I asked, trying and failing, to conceal my eager curiosity.

"No."

"Did Billy mention anything?"

"Billy knows no more than I do, which I've been meaning to ask you about…"

I shrugged mysteriously and began my escape from dangerous questions I didn't have answers to.

"Bella?"

I turned round to face Charlie's worried expression.

"You know you can tell me anything right?"

"Sure Dad." I gave him a cheary smile, "Don't worry" And at that I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room.

There was really nothing I could tell Charlie. The primary reason Jake wasn't talking to me anymore was because of the fact that he was a werewolf and Edward was a vampire and that mix just didn't work seeing as both monsters were mortal enemies and couldn't coexist with each other. I, being human and all, couldn't do anything about it in fear of, well, death; the middleman never survives.

I put my head phones on and pressed play on the CD-player. I let the first chords of The Black Keys flow through my mind. I lied down on my bed and stared at my ceiling.

"My mind is rambling' place to place/ tell me tell me what must I do"

I let the music soothe my soul and calm my mind. I needed Jacob, I couldn't let our friendship die and fade into nothing. Yet, I couldn't abandon Edward and Jacob couldn't understand my relationship with a 'bloodsucker'. And I feared that Jake had already guessed my plans to 'join the family' so to speak.

"..say you love me; say that you'll be mine..."

Even though I knew what I'd be missing, I knew it was what I wanted. I wanted to be with Edward forever. He was my destiny. And I would just have to make Jacob see that.

I took off the head phones and listened intently for the sounds of Charlie being awake. A faint snoring sound drifted through the thin walls. I smiled, put a warm hoody on and sneaked downstairs silently, lightly skipping the second-last stair that creaked. Once I got out of the house and into my old beat-up truck, I released the hand brake and let it roll silently down the slight hill and to the main road. I turned the wheel frantically and began my decent further away from the house. Once I was sure I was far enough from the house- the truck made so much sound it would wake up people in Pheonix- I turned the engine on and sped as fast as the truck could possibly go to La Push.

I parked on the road and walked the rest of the way to the Black's house. All the lights were off so I decided to rap on Jakes window. I stood on the balls of my feet and knocked lightly on the northern window of the house. I listened silently for any sounds of movement within and after hearing nothing I rapped again. Still nothing. I stuffed my cold hands into the pockets of my hoody and considered my next move.

Just as I was about to give up and head home I heard soft chuckling from behind me. I spun around to see Jacob standing a couple feet away from me, arms folded against his chest with the weak moonlight making his face eerily beautiful.

"Looking for something?" He asked sarcastically, his voice sounding like music in the night. The Black Keys song popped into my mind as a disturbing soundtrack to what was coming next.

"Yeah, you"

"What do you need me for?" He walked past me to sit on a nearby rock.

"Why haven't you called me back?"

I received no answer. I stared at his beautiful face, his features cruel and beautiful in the moonlight. His bare chest heaved with effort to calm himself and I found myself wishing I was the moonbeam that lightly caressed his chest. As quickly as the idea had come I shook it away, reminding myself that Edward was the one I loved, and lusted after.

"Please, Jake don't do this" I whispered, "Please don't do this to me"

"Do what?" His voice cold and angry, nothing like the old Jake I knew.

"I can't lose you"

"You made that decision yourself, Bella. You wanted to throw your life away for…for him" He spat.

"I love him! I want to be with him! Why can't you understand?"

"Love him?" He gave a bitter laugh, "I always knew you were a little crazy but it didn't occur to me that you were actually stupid."

I just glared at him unable to say anything in defence of my love.

"How much are you prepared to sacrifice for him, huh?" He got up off the rock and was standing next to me before I could blink. "Your soul? Fine. What about Charlie? What about your mother? Your friends? Your future? Or even the gift of being able to grow old and experience life like it should be experienced?"

He turned away from me like he couldn't stand to look at me anymore. The action made my eyes sting with tears of pain. "You know I think I know why you love Wuthering Heights so much, because you're just like Cathy, selfish to the point of…of God, you can't even see what you're doing!"

"You realize you'll never be able to have children? Have you decided at the young age of 18 that this is completely out of the question just because your boyfriend-" he said this with a grimace, "-who drinks blood by the way, has a certain problem of being DEAD?"

"And you come here and act like it was me that ruined our friendship!" He spun back round to face me, his face inches from mine and his warm breath fanning over my face, "It was you, Isabella" it was my turn to wince at his use of my full name "it was you that did this to us. So don't blame me for the choices you made" He stared at me his eyes burning bright with anger and his chest heaving.

"Are you done?" I asked not bothering to conceal the hatred in my voice. "Because your jealous rant was a little too long for my liking"

"Jealous?!" He laughed incredulously, "You hold yourself in too high regard, babe"

"Fuck you!" I spat surprising Jake and myself equally, "As if you aren't bitter of the fact that I chose Edward over you! Just because I was honest about my feelings toward you…"

"Honest?"

"Yes, I told you how I felt about Edward…"

"Keep telling yourself that babe." He said making me shiver with revulsion.

"What do you mean by that?"

He looked away, and mumbled "Nothing"

I took a deep breath to calm down.

"I came here to patch things up, not to fight with you."

"No you came here to hear that I accept your liaison with those, those parasites. You can throw your life away, worse, your soul, but don't come here looking for my acceptance."

"All I want is you, I want us back." I said softly, the tears flowing freely now. Jake just turned his back to me and in the soft moonlight, I thought about what I would be missing if I did join Edward on the 'dark side'.

"Please…" I whispered and took hold of his muscular arm so that he'd turn to face me.

"Stop, Bella" He said removing my hand from my arm as if my touch was too much. The rejection stabbed at my heart.

"Please just don't leave me" I said looking into his eyes pleadingly. "I can't lose you" I looked down at my feet and tried to breathe through the pain. Jake still said nothing.

Giving up, I said " G'bye Jacob" and turned to the road to go home. I reached the car without completely breaking down. I placed my hand against the side of the truck in support because my legs felt as if they'd give out and I used the other to cover my face as if I could hide my pain from the world.

"Bella" His voice said softly behind me.

"Go away"

"Bella…"

"GO AWAY" I screamed and spun around to push against his chest. It was like trying to move a mountain. He just took hold of my wrists, hard enough to bruise them, and pushed me against the side of the truck. He freed one of my wrists to lift my chin so that I looked into his eyes. There was anger there, but there was also pain and some other emotion I could not place.

"I hate you" I said regretting the words as soon as they left my mouth.

"Good, it'll make it easier for you to forget what you're missing" he said with quiet resent. Then his eyes smouldered with that unfamiliar emotion. "Let me show you exactly what it is you're missing"

Before I could utter a word he pushed me harder against the side of the truck, causing me to go slightly breathless. His face was so close to mine that our noses were almost touching and my heart began beating frantically with fear and… His other hand took hold of my hip so that I was unable to move. His other hand cruised up over my shoulder to rest on my neck, adding pressure to it make me light-headed with what I ascertained through a cloudy mind, was lust. My lips, with minds of their own, lifted towards his, instinctively trying to relieve the tension building, but Jake held back, teasing me. The tears had stopped but a few wet splashes remained on my cheeks. Tantalizingly, he lightly licked the drops from my face causing me to expel a breath I didn't know I was holding. He kissed my cheeks, my jaw, and the tender spot behind my ear, my eyelids and my hairline; softly, slowly, like he had all the time in the world. The moonlight cast a seductive light on his face that was hazy behind my half closed eyes. I was sure I was losing my mind. Whenever his lips neared my mouth I would try to kiss him but he held me back, increasing the relentless pressure growing in me. I gave out a soft moan, trying to get him to ease the pressure but he only smiled in the half-light and touched my collarbone, softly dipping in the hollow there. He then replaced his fingers with his mouth causing me to throw my head back in pleasure. He kissed his way up to my neck and whispered into my ear "Tell me what you want Bella" and nipped lightly at my earlobe. I gave an involuntary shiver.

"Please…" I moaned, verbally communicating my frustration. He chuckled softly and pressed harder at my hip.

"Tell me. What you. Want" He whispered in my ear softly, yet insistently, his warm breath causing me to shudder. "Tell me"

My breathing was uncontrollable now, just like my shuddering I couldn't control my body and my mind was in lockdown. I tried to breathe and with my eyes closed, my head tilted at the moon I whispered the words that I later realized were my betrayal.

"Kiss me"

He took hold of my chin and forced my face to meet his.

"Open your eyes" I did as he told "I want you to look at me" and before I could prepare myself his lips pressed hard against mine. Thank God, I thought to myself as his tongue pushed at my lips making me open for him. All the while my eyes were open, staring into his, making the kiss more powerful, more seductive, more like a war. His tongue grazed mine, sensually eliciting a slow moan from deep inside my throat. My hands wound themselves around his neck as my hips pushed against his, trying to deepen the contact. He bit my lower lip lightly causing my nails to dig into the hard skin of his back as he pushed back making me wish that the fire burning inside me would engulf me completely.

My hands cruised over the hard plane of his chest, down to his abdomen to where his jeans began. I dipped my hand lightly under the top of his jeans causing him to growl deeply and grind his hips against mine. My mind went blank and I couldn't feel anything but Jacob and what he was doing to me. He zipped my hoody open and touched my breast through the soft cotton of my pyjamas. We fell to the ground in a heap of hands and mouths, textures and tastes to explore. He removed the hoody completely, and as if from far off, I heard a ripping sound. He lifted my top over my breast and deftly took my nipple in his mouth. I held his head to me as I moaned softly.

"Please…"

He kissed me fiercely as if to silence me as he removed my jeans roughly and pressed his hands to my crotch. I stopped breathing as he rubbed softly through my cotton panties. These feelings were so new to me I opened my eyes in wonder and all I could see was him. I was drowning in his eyes as his hand pushed my panties away and his fingers entered me softly, teasing causing me to clutch at him and moan his name into the cool night. I kissed him desperately trying to anchor myself as foreign feelings bashed at me in waves.

"Please, please, please…" I whispered against his mouth not knowing what I was asking for. His fingers played with my clitoris, making me writhe with pleasure and causing the pressure rise alarmingly in me. I was clawing at him now, begging him to ease the bittersweet pain.

He stopped abruptly and brought his mouth to my ear.

"Do you want me?" He asked huskily

"Yes, yes, yes, please…" I moaned in reply.

"And do you need me?"

"Yes, oh God yes"

Before I could take another breathe he entered me with such ferocity I thought I would shatter into a million pieces. And I did; my vision blurring, and my body tingling with wave upon wave of emotion. Before I could settle, Jacob moved inside me, causing me to instinctually lift my legs around his waist. He thrust in me, slowly at first, causing the pressure to lift again, and then harder making me cry out in the pleasure and dig my nails into his back.

"Now, now, now…" I breathed, aching for release. With frantic thrusts and mingled moans, we reached the higher plane and dove off the deep end together.

"You're crushing me" I said, lightly biting his shoulder. I lifted himself off me and lied down next to me. We stared at the lightening sky in silence. My heart had slowed, the fog in my mind had lifted and the realization of what we, I, had done was dawning on me.

As if sensing my unease, Jacob propped himself up and pushed back the hair from my cheek.

"It's alright." He said soothingly. Except it didn't soothe me; it only made me angry. I pushed his hand away and got up to grab several discarded garments off the ground.

"I can't believe this"

"What?" He asked sounding bored,

"This! What we just did!"

"I sure can" He said with a carnivorous sneer. I felt all the glowing pleasure I'd experienced moments before drain out of me.

"I love Edward." I said quietly, more to myself than to Jake.

He just scoffed and pulled his jeans on. "People who are in love do not fuck the guy next door"

I just stare at him in silence, regret hanging over me like a cloud.

"Maybe I didn't hate you before, but gee Jake, I sure do want to kill you now" I said menacingly.

"You forget Bella, werewolf" he said taking a step closer to me and pointing at himself "Little girl" pointing at me. "Your chances of winning are slim to none."

Tears stung my eyes anew as I slapped him hard across his cheek.

"Bastard. You're a fucking bastard Jacob Black" His eyes darkened with anger and I stood stock still in a mix of anger and fear.

"You know I never thought of you as a monster, not until right now Jake" I said quietly. I turned around and began walking to the car. Faster than I could see he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a disarming kiss that left me breathless. He broke away leaning his forehead against mine, our chests heaving madly.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly, and sincerely. Our hands wove around each other and I was in awe of the pure, raw emotion coursing through me.

"I don't know what to do, Jake" I whispered, lifting my head to look into his eyes. I wanted him to tell me what I wanted to hear. I needed him to tell me it was alright. Instead he kissed me forehead and said "Go home, Bella" before turning around and walking into the house.

In that moment, for however long I stood there shivering in the night air, I was the loneliest I had ever been before.