Author's Note:
This is a silly little story. Characters might be slightly OOC. Some might be a great deal OOC. Things may deviate somewhat from canon. There'll be a lot more havoc that way…
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The great Gate of Konoha stood open.
Foot traffic and horse drawn carts moved in both directions, a clear sign that the village was still prosperous.
Oblivious to the angry wagon drivers who shouted obscenities and threatened to run him down, Naruto stood in the middle of the busiest intersection in town, slowly turning and taking everything in.
He hadn't even been gone for three full years yet; but, it felt as if he had been away from home forever. Nothing looked as good as this, not even a double portion of pork Ramen, or the hottest women that the peephole at his favorite onsen had to offer.
"Hey… idiot… watch where you're walking…" Jiraiya ran a hair through his massive mane, watching his pupil take in the sights of the city. "That must have been one big horse…" Naruto had just barely missed sticking his foot in a large mound of droppings.
Naruto rubbed his hands together, wondering what he should do first. Should he visit his favorite noodles shop? The bakery? The manga and anime store? There were so many choices.
"I'll go see Tsunade myself," the Frog Hermit said. "There's no need for you to stop by and see her yet." The fact of the matter was that there were things to talk to the Hokage about regarding Akatsuki. While he kept his student well-informed, there were some things that Naruto would be better off without hearing for now. "Why don't you catch up with your friends?" Jiraiya smiled.
He knew something that the boy didn't know. More precisely, he had something that the boy no longer had. There were a few pubs calling his name. He would risk showing up in Tsunade's office with sake on his breath.
"Good idea!" Naruto smiled. He couldn't wait to see how his friends had changed. he also couldn't wait to show them how tall he'd grown. There was also the matter of a new perverted jutsu the likes of which none of them could have possibly seen before. "I'll catch up with you later." He chuckled, thinking that the Legendary Sannin was in for a bit of a surprise. He had spent years getting used to the man's tricks and schemes. His Frog Purse was filled with small stones, not coins. Wait until the big mooch tried to pay his bar tab or impress some big-chested floozy!
"Stay out of trouble," Jiraiya said, a serious look on his face. "It would not be too wise to draw too much attention to yourself, now that The Nine will start looking for you in earnest." He smiled, his mood brightening. He could us a tall mug of ale after the long and dusty walk. "Here is your lesson of the morning: light travels much faster than sound."
"Huh?" Naruto made a face and tugged at one ear. Just what the hell was the perverted old hermit talking about this time? "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You've been gone for a long time. Seeing you, many people may think that you're bright… until you speak…" The Frog Hermit tossed the overstuffed Frog Purse in the air and caught it, taunting his young charge.
Naruto smirked. Jiraiya was an incredibly powerful shinobi. He was a very clever man. By all accounts, he should have know better. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Time to teach him his lesson of the morning.
"ATTENTION CITIZENS. HEY EVERYBODY. LISTEN UP!"
Naruto jumped up and down, shouting and waving his arms. His voice and antics drew the gaze of those people who hadn't already caught sight of his orange and black jumpsuit.
"What are you doing, Naruto…" Jiraiya saw the pedestrians and wagoneers all looking in their direction.
"ONE OF THE LEGENDARY SANNIN WALKS AMONGST YOU. THE GREAT JIRAIYA HAS RETURNED TO KONOHA!"
Naruto's ginned in satisfaction. If someone wasn't listening, they would have to be deaf or close to death. Good. That would make this all the more satisfying.
"That's very complimentary, but…" Jiraiya knew that Naruto must have something in mind. "Like I said, don't draw any attention to yourself."
"LOCK UP YOUR WIVES. HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS. PROTECT YOUR PETS. THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PERVERT IS BACK!"
Naruto pulled down one eyelid and stuck his tongue out at his sensei. He had asked for it!
"Bastard!" Jiraiya shook a fist at Naruto.
"THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, COURTESY OF UZUMAKI NARUTO!"
"You'll pay…" Face looking like a thunder cloud, Jiraiya moved towards Naruto. He rolled up one of his sleeves. If the boy needed to be taken across his knee for a spanking, so be it. It didn't matter how old he was.
Naruto created a number of clones to harass Jiraiya, not staying to watch them meet their fate against his teacher's Rasengan. Sure, sooner or later the Frog hermit would get his revenge. That was the way things worked with them.
Running through town, he slid to a stop after coming across a very unwelcome change. His favorite Ramen shop… the one that Iruka had taken him to on the day he made genin and helped defeat Mizuki… was gone, replaced by a haberdashers of all things.
"What the f-ck…" He scratched his head, his face clouding over. He had picked up some bad words training with Jiraiya. The Hokage would not be pleased. But, that was neither here nor there to him. The best noodles in Konoha had been replaced by hats. He felt a chill pass through him. Was this some kind of ill omen?
The sound of a bell on the hat shop door caught his attention. A number of men walked out, dressed in servant's outfits. Each carried a wobbling stack of boxes, obstructing their view. Walking behind them, taking to her pampered little pet, came a rather bulky woman wearing expensive clothing. No doubt she was a council member's wife, or the spouse of an important clan leader.
Naruto could have moved out of the way. He was too stunned, staring at the building. They hadn't turned the small shop into a new business. They had torn it down completely and built some two story eyesore. Muttering curses under his breath, he was distracted. The servants stepped around him. The woman plowed right into him.
"Ohhh-hh-h…" The woman dropped her long carved cigarette holder. Her dog, which looked like some kind of ugly Bulldog and Pekinese mix, began yapping and tugging at its leash. As Naruto was about to apologize, the woman spoke first: "What is happening to this village… the streets are not safe from gutter trash theses days… I think I feel faint…" She took out a small tin and smeared scented oil under her rather pointed nose. "You there… urchin… pick that up for me!" She motioned for the young ninja to, pick up her dropped item.
"Huh?" Naruto made a face. She ran into him! Normally he would just shake things off, as he had done his entire life. But, if people were destined to try and ruin his visit back to Hidden Leaf village, they would get a little something in return. It wasn't exactly his Ninja Way, but it would do. "Cigarettes? I thought big hairy guys like you preferred cigars."
"Oooo-ooo-oo-o…" The woman made as if she were swooning. She snapped her fingers, calling two bodyguards who had been waiting for her just outside the shop.
"Apologize to Madame," one guard said, an ex-soldier by the look of him.
"Immediately," the second guard said, carrying about him the air of a reformed criminal.
"OK," Naruto said, pretending to be contrite. He got down on one knee and rubbed the dog under its chin. "I'm sorry Madame." He got up and looked at the woman, and then the dog. "My mistake. It's hard to tell them apart."
The woman collapsed. Her dog walked over and licked her face. Its lease tripped one of the servants, who fell and dumped a number of hat boxes out onto the street. The dog trotted over to one and began shaking it violently, its ostrich feather whipping too and fro.
"Get him!" The woman began moaning. Her dog handed her the torn hat and went after another. "Get him… get him… get him…" Her voice rose up the octave scale. "There's a big raise in pay for the man who teaches that ruffian a lesson." She let go the leash. "Special num nums for dinner, if Mommy's precious gets the bad man…"
The dog began growling. It looked ready to run out and savage Naruto. The guards had a greedy look in their eyes. They drew short wide swords. The woman had taken out her mirror and was checking her face.
Not wanting to get into a fight… something that shinobi were told never to do with townspeople… Naruto took off running again. As he came pelting down one stretch of avenue, he ran up alongside another young man who was jogging. The boy was wearing a green stretchy suit, and was counting each and every step he took.
"Lee!" Naruto smiled, running around a group of girls chatting in the middle of the street, rejoining his friend when he had passed the obstacle.
"OHHHH-HHH-hhhh-hhh-hh-h… Naruto… you are back." Lee's face lit up with joy. "It seems that you too have discovered the great joys of physical exertion!" He continued to run rather than stop and talk. "AHHHH-HHH-hhhh-hhh-hh-h… it is good to have someone to run with who can keep up. It is wonderful that you are home."
Naruto smiled. He had missed Lee. While he himself had ample reason to be running, his fellow ninja was always training like this. He did everything possible to improve his Taijutsu, since he lacked Genjutsu and Ninjutsu skills.
"Hey Lee…" Naruto had begun to build up a sweat. "Why are we still running?" He had evaded his followers. His friend had already run a fair distance.
"OOO-OO-ooo-oo-o… that is simple. I will tell you a tale that Gai-sensei once gifted me with." He began to run even faster. Now he was headed up the sloping path that led to the great stone Hokage faces. "A wealthy man was once very fond of cats. He asked a famous painter to draw him a cat and the man agreed, saying he should return in three months. When the man returned, time and time again, he was put off. A year passed. Finally, at the man's request, the artist took out a brush, and with one fluid moment, drew a picture of a cat. It was the most marvelous image that the wealthy man had ever seen. At first he was astonished, but then he grew angry. 'Why did you make me wait a year,' he demanded. Without saying a word, the master opened a cabinet. Thousands of pictures of cats fell out." Lee grinned, as if he had just shared his greatest truth.
"Lee... " Naruto could identify with the story easily enough. He had practiced to the point of collapse back when he was in the Academy. "Did you ever think... maybe Gai-sensei just likes cats..."
Eyes suddenly filled with unwanted doubt, Lee stumbled, almost falling over a sheer precipice. Naruto grabbed him by one arm, saving him. Feeling a need to regain his honor after experiencing even a single moment of uncertainty, he began to run faster still.
"G-e-e-e-e-z…" Naruto tried to keep up. Looking down from the heights, he frowned. Being out in the open like this had made it possible for his pursuers to catch sight of him. They were far away now, but didn't look to be giving up. His limbs beginning to ache, he was relieved when Lee eventually made his way to the training grounds and stopped running.
"One!"
Lee found a spot on the grass over near the large training posts and began doing push-ups.
"Two!"
Naruto shook his head, watching his friend move onto his next exercise of the afternoon.
"Three… Naruto, it is surprising to… Four… see you back here… Five… we have all missed you… Six… very much. Many things… Seven… have happened in your… Eight… absence. If you like… Nine… I will tell you about them… Ten…"
Lee continued to speak as he made his way through his daily routine. Naruto ducked behind some bushes at one point, when he caught sight of the ugly dog and the woman's bodyguards. Creating a clone, he sent it out to get their attention, and then lead them on a wild goose chase before popping out of existence.
"We have all… Four Hundred six… grown much stronger… Hour Hundred seven… while you were gone… Four Hundred six… I lost count… I must begin again. When I am finished, to make up for my error, I will do five hundred squat thrusts."
"Lee…" That was a girl's voice. It sounded familiar to Naruto. She was close by. "O Leeee-eee-ee-e…" Naruto's eyes widened. He blinked rapidly. It couldn't be! "Sweetheart… are you out here…" It was Sakura.
"AHHH-HH-hhh-hh-h… over here, Pretty Thing!" Lee jumped up and struck one of his best poses. Gai-sensei would have felt a sense of pride, had he been witness to it.
"I've got lunch." Sakura smiled, carrying a large wicker basket. She stopped and stared, catching sight of Naruto.
"Ummm… good afternoon, Sakura…" That was another girl's voice. It was familiar too. "Good afternoon Lee…" It was Hinata. "Good morning… ummm…" She brought her hand to her mouth. "N-… N-… Naruto-kun…" She came close to passing out.
"Oi! Hinata-chan!" Naruto said. He wondered why Hinata always acted so strange when she saw him. He sniffed under one arm. He had remembered to shower. "Hey! Sakura-chan!" He hadn't seen his former teammate since leaving to train with Jiraiya.
Hinata began sweating. She muttered something about needing to be emotionally prepared, and not being ready yet. That had Naruto walking over to see if something was wrong. Trying to get an idea of how she had changes, he looked her over.
"Hinata!" His eyes widened again. He blurted out: "You've got breasts!" He couldn't help himself. He was noticing that kind of thing more and more. "Big ones…" Of course, he needed to keep his thoughts to himself.
"NARUTO!" Sakura was none too pleased by her friend's behavior. "YOU PIG!"
"Huh?" Naruto scratched his head, feeling a bit contrary. "Why did you say that?" He struck a pose of his own. "I haven't shown you my new perverted jutsu yet." He grinned a wicked grin.
"You…" Sakura balled up her fists. She looked ready to let Naruto find out how strong she'd become training with Tsunade. But, she knew that her former teammate hadn't meant anything dirty or perverted by what he had said to Hinata. She lowered her arms.
"Wow!" Naruto turned his attention to Sakura. "Looks like you've learned a lot, working with Old Lady Tsunade." That had her preening for a moment, even though she hadn't done anything to showcase her new talents. "You've got her chest." He looked down at her backside. "Keep eating, and you'll have her kiester, too!"
"B-A-K-A-!" Sakura struck with a fierce punch. Had she reached the Hokage's strength level, Naruto's internal organs would now be in a number of pieces. As it was, he was sent somersaulting backwards, bowling over a startled Hinata like she was a nine pin.
"Uhhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h…" Naruto saw stars. His head was spinning. It took him a while to recognize where he was. Looking up, he saw Hinata's face. His head was sitting in her lap.
"N-N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata blushed. "W-.. W-… We've all been thinking of you…"
"Huh?" Naruto couldn't help but notice again how Hinata had filled out. "The two of them… I mean, all three of you…" He swallowed hard. That was better. But, it could still mean Hinata and her two breasts, not Hinata, Lee, and Sakura. He had to get up! His mind was wandering where it had no business going.
"That is indeed a comfortable manner of rest," Lee said. "Sakura and I do that on occasion." That had Sakura shushing Lee, her face turning pinker than her hair. Hinata smiled, and kept from fainting.
"Naruto-kun…" Hinata had a dreamy look on her face. That frightened Naruto more than Sakura's strength and Lee's crazed obsession with training. "This is comfortable…"
"Yes… well… I'm sorry…" Naruto got up quickly and started backing away. "I didn't mean to… you know…" he waved his arms in front of him and shook his head. "I know that you're a lady…"
"And I'm not?" Sakura furrowed her brow. Her eyes narrowed as she made another fist.
"Huh?" Naruto raised one eyebrow. "Well… of course you are, Sakura-chan…" he almost pulled it off. But, he couldn't help snickering. "You… a lady… that's too funny…" He made a muscle.
"JERK!" Sakura struck again. Even though Naruto saw it coming, he couldn't brace himself quickly enough. Flying over a well-manicured hedge, he collided with something.
It was not a something. Rather, it was a someone. "No… Nooo-oo-o… Nooooo-oooo-ooo-oo-o…" A man in guano-stained coveralls screamed. An ornithologist, he watched in horror as his rare birds flew free from their broken cages. "My treasures…"
"You broke my fall," Naruto said to the stricken man. He offered him a hand up. "Thanks. Sakura-chan doesn't know her own strength." He took a step back, seeing the look on the man's face. It looked as if he were quite capable of committing murder. Why? They were only birds.
"Great job, Naruto!" Sakura stuck her head through the bushes, followed by Lee and Hinata.
"Hey! It's not my fault." Naruto stuck out his lower lip. "It was her… she knocked me out here…" He pointed at Sakura. "Don't worry… she's the Hokage's apprentice… she always pays her debts…" Discretion being the better part of valor, he took off again.
"WHAT?" Sakura no doubt heard what the fleeing birds were worth to the collector. "NARUTO!" Her shout echoes across the village. "GET HIM, LEE!"
The shouting caught the attention of the guards and the dog. Soon enough, they were running after Naruto again, joined by Sakura and Lee. The ornithologist struggled to keep up, as did a young couple that Naruto had just bumped into a fountain. Trailing behind them all, came Hinata.
Naruto sped along paths, walkways, and streets. He really should be upset, he thought. Finally back in Konoha, and he was running from trouble instead of speaking quietly with his friends. But, it did bring back memories. He thought back to the way he used to run like this through the village, after painting graffiti on the Hokages, pulling some other kind of prank, or sneaking out of class.
"Arf Arf Arf… Yap Yap Yap… Bark Bark Bark…" The dog was back on his trail.
"Watch out… coming through… ninja on the run…" Naruto called out as he ran out into one of the busier squares in town. There were people everywhere, doing all manner of things, heading off to who knows what. Right now, they were moving obstructions he needed to judge and leap over. Running too fast to stop, he slammed hard into someone.
Naruto noticed three things in rapid succession. First, it was Kakashi that he had run into. Second, the book he had been reading was now flying through the air. Third, when he had reached out a hand to catch himself, he had done the unthinkable: the Copy Ninja's mask had been pulled down from his face.
"Naruto…" Kakashi would normally have been glad to see his former team member, just not at that moment, and most definitely not in that fashion.
"Kakashi-sensei…" Likewise for Naruto. This was not the type of reunion he had been looking forward too. Just the same, he finally new what his teacher looked like. He would soon find out why he wore the mask.
"Pierre!" That was a young village woman, holding a baby. She was looking over at Kakashi.
"No… that's Eduardo…" A pregnant woman pointed at the Copy Ninja.
"He told me his name was Genji." A third woman was pushing a stroller. "He's the father of my baby."
"And mine." "Mine too." "Ours too." Woman began clamoring for attention, crowding around Kakashi with shocked and angry looks on their faces.
"GRRRRR-rrrrr-rrrr-rrr-rr-r…" The ugly dog was busy tearing pages out of the newest Icha Icha book.
"…" Kakashi started running. The women were not too far behind. He had to decide whether to run after Naruto, or run for his life. One woman was a butcher's daughter. She's was shouting something about cutting off sausage links.
"Well, it's sure a good thing that I'm not causing a commotion or something, like Ero-sennin told me." Naruto's sarcasm was lost on the people he ran past in a blur. Soon, he was feeling better, certain that he had finally lost all signs of pursuit.
"HE'S OVER HERE!"
Sakura stepped out from behind a hay cart. Her face was bright red and she was breathing in deep gasping breaths. If she had been slobbering or drooling, she would look like a Hound straight out of Hell. When she cracked her knuckles and smiled a nasty smile, Naruto came very close to losing control of his sphincter.
"AAAAA-aaaa-aaa-aa-ah… we have him surrounded." Lee slid to a stop. He unbuckled a number of large heavy weights he had strapped to his legs. He would be able to run even faster now. He hoped that he would not need to use Lotus to subdue his friend. But, he would do anything for Sakura.
"Hey… guys… it's my first day back…" Naruto held his hands up in front of him. "Why don't we just laugh and forget about all this?"
"You're going to pay!" Sakura said. "For those birds, I mean…"
"Is that all?" Naruto made a face. No matter what Sakura did to him, he was not going to buy any birds that had already flown away, especially since she had punched him. "I thought you had your oversized panties in a knot because I commented on your bad case of Medical Ninja's Spread." He used his arms to pantomime rather large hips. He whispered "Big ass" to Lee, just in case his friend didn't follow that.
"OHHH-hhh-hh-h… I cannot allow you to say such things Naruto, even though you are a good friend and one of the true burning spirits of Konoha." Lee struck his most heroic pose ever. "I will defend the honor of my girlfriend and her Big ass." He knew that he had made a terrible mistake when those words passed his lips. He turned an accusatory look on Naruto. Those words had stuck in his head.
"You probably shouldn't have said that," Naruto said, smiling. "Even though it is true."
"Lee…" Sakura's voice was barely audible. And all the more chilling for that reason. "O Lee, darling…" Whipping her arm around, she tossed the picnic basket at Lee like a missile. Hands free, she took a number of shuriken out of her purse.
Naruto had been standing still for far too long. All sorts of angry people were about to converge on his location. He hoped that Sakura would focus on Lee for a while. He needed every break he could get. "Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!" Once again, he used the clones as a way to distract his pursuers.
Kakashi was the only one not fooled by the ploy. Naruto knew that there was no way to elude his former team leader, who happened to be one of the best shinobi the village had to offer. But, Kakashi had miscalculated. Naruto was no match for him; but, a dozen enraged women were. He was struck in the head with thrown bottles… diapers both fresh and full… and a well tossed infant carrier, absent the infant.
"COME BACK HERE LEE…"
"Gai-Sena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-i."
"We want our child support!"
"Arf Arf Arf… bark bark bark…"
"For Madame's honor!"
"And her money…"
"My birds!"
Naruto didn't have time to sort through all the things he had heard. Fortunately, with Kakashi cornered and Sakura keeping Lee busy, he was able to use his considerable ninja skill to escape. It would be a good idea to lay low for a while. Now, all he needed to do was find a good place to hang out unobserved. Wanting to catch his breath first, he slowly backed into an alcove between two buildings. He didn't realize that someone had already been watching him from there.
He caught a whiff of a very pleasant shampoo or body wash before bumping up against something soft.
"N-N-Naruto-kun…" It was Hinata. She practically when cross-eyed when Naruto pushed back against her bosom.
"Y-i-k-e-s-!" Naruto jumped six feet in the air, landing in a crouch. "Where did you come from, Hinata?"
"Ummm… I was just standing here watching…" Hinata rubbed her fingers together, something she hadn't done in over a year.
"Watching what?" Naruto swallowed hard. Maybe that should be 'Watching 'who?' "You're not some kind of stalker or something, are you Hinata-chan?" He tugged at one ear.
"N-N-No… I'm not…" Hinata brought her hand to her mouth. She didn't want anyone to think poorly of her, especially not him. "Is… ummm… is that the kind of girl you like?" She crossed her fingers, hoping he didn't say 'yes' or 'sure.'
"Of course not," Naruto replied. "You do always seem to be watching me. At least, you did before I left the village." Something clamored for attention at the back of his mind. He didn't have time to be distracted right now. Besides, he was feeling very much on edge for some reason, and not because there was a growing mob looking for him.
"Ummm… well… I…" Hinata knew that she still was far from ready to admit her feelings to Naruto.
"Maybe we'll have a chance to talk later," Naruto said, peeking out from his hiding place. "I've go to go now." With that, he headed off for another village Quarter. Ramen. Manga. Anime. Squid-on-a-stick. New nightcap. Here I come!
"Yo! Naruto, is that you?" That was another familiar voice. It was Shikamaru. He was walking with Choji and Ino. She was hanging on his arm. "Why are you back? Probably something bothersome."
"Good to see you!" Naruto said, smiling. His eyes widened looking at Choji. While he himself had grown taller and broader, Choji had expanded tremendously, almost as if someone had stuck a hose in his mouth and pumped him full of air like some comic book character. He looked a lot more like his father than he had before.
"Maybe he's here for the Chuunin exams," Ino said. "He's the only one of us who's still a genin."
"What?" Naruto froze. "Everyone one else made Chuunin?" he suddenly felt as if he was only one inch tall, and the others were towering over him.
"That's right," Shikamaru said, "At least I'm not the only one of us who leads missions, now." He shrugged. "Neji made jounin."
"That's great…" Naruto tried to find some way to change the subject. He looked at how Ino was leaning against Shikamaru. "Hey… are you guys an item…"
"No," Choji said, joking. "Shikamaru likes Ino."
"Right!" Ino said, sounding rather possessive. "He's very happy!"
"Good for you guys," Naruto said, rubbing his nose. "I would have put my money on Temari." He wondered why Shikamru was giving him a rather pointed look.
"You still might win that bet," Choji said. "The other day, Shikamaru told me that she once gave him a fan job." He shrugged. "But, he wouldn't tell me what that meant."
"What?" Ino's eyebrows both shot up. "I never heard about that." She clenched both fists. "I better have been before we were dating…" She turned to glare at Naruto, who was caught giving Shikamaru a 'V' sign. She then gave Choji the evil eye for mentioning anything about the Sand kunoichi.
Naruto almost wilted, even though Shikamaru was the one who got the worst of Ino's looks. Glancing across the street, he sighed. Another one of his favorite restaurants had a big sign nailed to the door.
"That place is closed," Ino said, happy to change the subject. Still miffed at Choji, she reached into a large bag he was carrying and grabbed the first thing she lay her fingers on. Pulling out a chip bag, she tossed it to Naruto. "Maybe these will hold you over for a while."
"Thanks!" Naruto made another mistake. He assumed that the bag held food for all three of his friends. It didn't. "I am kind of starving…"
"But… that…" Choji's eye's went very wide. "Wait…" he was too late.
"OK…" Naruto opened the bag without reading the label. "Let's see if these are any good." He put a chip in his mouth. He turned green and began to gag. "Ack… argggh… ptuuuey…" He spat out the remnants of the chip, and then heaved the bag over at the nearest garbage can. He might as well have put on a red jumpsuit and shouted at a stampeding herd of bulls.
"That… you…" Choji began quivering. "I can't believe you just…" Snot came containing out of his nose. His eyes narrowed to mere slits and he moved one foot as if he was pawing at the ground. "I thought you were my friend!"
"Huh?" Naruto wrinkled up his nose. "It's not my fault they sucked." He shrugged. "They were just chips, right? Tasted like they were stale…"
"They were not just chips." Choji popped a colored pill in his mouth. "They were 'Sour Cream and Onion Super Supreme Kettle Cooked Turnip Chips'." He began working a series of hand seals. "There are no more left in the Land of Fire. I had been waiting over a year for a bag to come in. I don't think they plan on making that flavor ever again."
"I wouldn't even feed those things to someone from the Sound," Naruto said. He pointed over to where a pigeon had landed. It took a bite of one of the Turnip Chips, went as stiff as a stone, and then fell off of the garbage can. It had 'X's as eyes.
Shikamaru sighed, tapped Ino on the elbow, and motioned with his head. Things were about to get troublesome.
"AAAAAA-OOOOO-AAAAAA…"
Choji began growing rapidly. He had used the Chou Baika no Jutsu, Ultimate Multi-Size technique. If he had done that in a narrower street or alley, he wouldn't have been able to fit.
"It would be a good idea to run," Shikamaru said. "He'll reach maximum size in about fifteen seconds."
"But Ino was the one who took the chips…" Naruto swallowed hard, looking up at an enormous balloon-like Choji.
""Thirteen seconds," Shikamaru said. "You were the one who opened the bag… ate a chip… and then tossed everything in the garbage." He made a face. "I'm certain that he'll forgive you some day…"
"If you survive," Ino added.
"Here we go again," Naruto groused. He just couldn't do anything right that day. Sliding past Choji, and beginning to run again, he thought back to something that Jiraiya had quoted him once: 'The fox wakes up every morning knowing it must outrun the fastest hound…' The ground shuddered behind him. '…The hound wakes up every morning and knows that he must outrun the slowest fox…' Shop windows broke, bringing angry store owners rushing out into the street. '…Any way you look at it... whether you're a fox or a hound... you'd better be ready to run!' Strings of festival lanterns were torn down between buildings. Seeing their week-long efforts ruined, flabbergasted Public Works crews began shouting up at the walking behemoth.
N-A-A-A-A-A-A… R-O-O-O-O-O-O-O… T-O…"
"Why are the streets in this part of the village so damn wide?" Normally, Naruto would have taken to the roof tops, running along the tiles and shingles and jumping from building to building. He couldn't do that now. All that would do would be to put him within reach of his gigantic friend. He wish he knew just how long that technique would last. "Yes!" He spotted a building with a very narrow storefront, tucked away between two small alleys.
There was no time to be polite. He had no choice but to bump into people as he scrambled for the door. Careening off of one lovely young woman, who was applying lipstick while she waited for a date with a man she had been chasing unsuccessfully for six whole years, he caused her hand to slip. She ended up with a long tick lipstick mark across her entire face.
The fleeing ninja didn't bother to knock. He didn't take the time to read any signs. Instead, he flung open the door and jumped inside, just as Choji's enormous hand swept through the place he had last been standing.
Picking himself off of the floor, he noticed that the air inside the shop was moist and warm. There was a strong fruity scent of soap, and a pleasant herbal smell of body lotions. He heard the sound of women's laughter and hushed conversations. Then suddenly, a woman screamed.
"There's a man in here!" That shriek had other women calling out. "Guards. Someone call for the guards!"
Naruto's eyes threatened to jump out of their sockets. Everywhere he looked, he found reason not to look. Mouth hanging open, he saw naked women jumping under the water in a large spa pool, while others ducked down behind massage tables and tanning booths.
A rain of thrown shoes, sponges, towels, urns, and luffas came his way. Soon thereafter, he caught sight of a huge woman wearing a grotesque mask and carrying a fearsome two-handed sword.
"O-h-h-h-h shit!" Naruto rolled to one side as the huge blade came down, sending piece of ceramic floor tiles in every direction. "Look out!" he slid beneath the armored woman's legs. "You could hurt somebody with that."
"I'll split you down the middle, you little pervert!" The woman barely missed him again, turning a splendid wooden chair into kindling.
"Maybe some other time…" Naruto made a rush towards a door he saw at the far end of the shop. Stepping on a bar of lathery soap that someone had dropped, he began skating across the floor waving his arms. One naked woman stopped his wild slide, and broke his fall when he fell on top of her.
"You… will… pay…" The woman looked up on top of Naruto who was straddling her wet body. "Some day… you will pay…" It was Kurenai.
"I didn't mean to…" Naruto jumped up. The guard was closing on him again. "It was an accident…" A costly urn twice his size shattered like an egg shell when the sword glanced passed through it.
"Get him!" The parlor's owner stood aghast on the stairs, leaning over an ebony banister. "Get him at all costs!"
Naruto began zigzagging about the room, jumping off of walls, floor, and ceiling like a grasshopper trapped inside a small jar. At one point, he was running across the surface of a long wading pool, applying his chakra to the bottom of his feet. He stepped on a dark-haired woman's head, driving it under the surface. When she came back up again, coughing up water, she called out to one of the attendants.
"Get me a robe. Any robe will do. And find me something sharp." It was Anko.
His heart rate doubled. He began sweating at a prodigious rate. That was the last person he wanted to piss off. Thinking back to the Chuunin exams, waiting to enter the Forest of Death, he remembered her cutting him with a thrown kunai, and then licking the blood off of his cheek. He tried to think of the last time he was this anxious. He was too busy. But, he didrecall another one of the Frog hermit's little quotes: They who in trouble untroubled are, will trouble trouble itself.
"If Jiraiya was here right now, I'd kick him in the nuts!" Naruto saw the light at the end of his figurative tunnel. There was a large glass window straight ahead of him. The Frog Hermit would do anything to be here right now. He, by contrast, would do anything to get out. "Here… I… go…" He placed his hands in front of his face, crashed through the window, and rolled across the alley outside the shop.
"THERRRRRE YOOOOOU ARRRRRE!"
Choji's voice echoed throughout the streets, causing a number of windows to rattle. One of the painters working on the Administrative Building was distracted. He hit the release lever on his scaffold, tilting it over and spilling cans of white paint onto the head of chatting dignitaries below him.
"I'm out of here!" Naruto said, certain he could outrun Choji.
"I don't think so." It was Sakura. A rather chastened looking Lee hovered just behind her. "Anko! Kurenai! I saw him first…"
Naruto felt the hair on his neck stand on end. He didn't turn around to see if Sakura had truly seen the two jounin. Once again, his good fortune and cleverness came to his aid. He cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted at the top of his lungs:
"Hey Choji… Sakura says that she's taking everyone out to dinner now… her treat… all you can eat."
Naruto took off running. He hoped that Choji shrank down if he was going to visit any of the food vendors. As he was at the moment, he could run up one hell of a tab.
"What?" Sakura turned to look up at Choji. "No… I never said that… it's just a trick…"
Lee watched as Naruto bolted, frowning when he though of the trouble that his friend had caused Sakura. Thumbing his nose, he made a loud and manly vow, then headed off right on his heels.
"MMMMMM-MMMMM-MMMM-MMM-MM-M…."
Choji might be out of the picture, but Naruto knew he still had a world of trouble on his tail. He saw a another shop door beckoning to him. Running inside, he found himself in a busy workshop. Dodging men and women dressed in smocks and paint-covered clothing, he ran up a narrow rickety set of stairs. Lee was not so fortunate, slamming into a number of craftspeople carrying canvas, brushes, and urns filled with tinctures and dyes. One woman fell on Lee, causing them to slide down the steps.
"Don't touch me there!" The woman's indignant shout was followed by the sound of a loud slap. "Creep!"
Once he reached the second story, Naruto ran into the first studio with an open door. Sheets hung from the ceiling, serving as makeshift partitions. Ducking under one, he cursed, seeing that the windows had all been bricked over. Pushing past another, he came across a wizened old man with a mallet and chisel in hand. The sculptor was looking at his naked subject, preparing for the final shaping of his magnificent work.
"Hey! Where's the nearest exit?" Naruto called out.
The old man jumped, being so focused on his work, that he didn't even know that anyone was there until Naruto spoke. His chisel slipped just as he brought the mallet down with a swift decisive stroke. The result was catastrophic. An exaggerated portion of male anatomy broke off and skittered across the floor, coming to a stop at the feet of the person who had commissioned the statue. Looking over, Naruto saw that it was Gai.
"At least it's true to scale now," Naruto offered helpfully. Both Gai and the artist were too stunned to speak. Neither of them flinched or even moved in the slightest when Lee leapt into the room.
"AHHHH-hhhh-hhh-hh-h… you should surrender, Naruto." Lee's jaw fell when he saw Gai turn bright red and cover his privates with both hands. He looked over at the life size statue.
"Lee-e-e-e-e…" Gai hung his head, embarrassed to have been seen in this state by one of his pupils.
"It's alright, Gai-sensai." Lee said. "You will always be a large man in your student's eye!"
"Sure…" Naruto shook his head.
"I heard his voice in here!" Kurenai, her wet hair plastered against her head and neck, burst through one of the sheets, pulling it free from the ceiling. Standing behind her, a frightful look in her eyes, stood an equally wet Anko. They both turned to stare at Gai and then the statue. They both tried to stay focused on the task at hand, but failed miserably. Placing their hands over their mouths, they pointed and began giggling.
Gai slipped off of his stool, grabbed his green stretchy suit, and jumped behind one of the remaining partitions. When he was dressed, faster than anyone would have thought humanly possible, he charged at Naruto, followed by the irate artisan. Lee, Kurenai, and Anko joined in.
"Why don't you visit with your friends, he said." Naruto hurried out of that room, into the next, and through an open window. "Won't it be great to return to Konoha, he said." Sliding down a fire escape, he jumped in through an door on the balcony of the adjacent building. "It will be just like old times, he said."
The quaint old building held boutiques, natural food stores, a café, and a small movie theater. Naruto passed through each of them, leaving a trail of havoc and mayhem in his wake. The gaggle of people following him did not help matters.
The darkened movie theatre was almost empty, with only two patrons sitting in the middle row. A popular high-brow foreign flick was playing, complete with subtitles; but, the usual clientele for that kind of thing was conspicuously absent. That was just fine with Ten Ten. She often dragged Neji to see that kind of movie, being a fan of high culture. What's more, she was leaning close to the rather nervous looking Hyuuga boy, on the verge of stealing her first kiss. She had purchased every last ticket for that performance, to make certain they'd be alone.
Her lips parted. She closed her eyes. She moved closer… closer… closer…
"Pardon me… just passing through… don't let me interrupt you…" Naruto jumped up and began running alone the tops of the chair backs. Recognizing the two shinobi, he tried to slide to a stop, but twisted awkwardly. He knocked Ten Ten's head down into Neji's lap.
Shocked, Neji reacted with a premature Kaiten. The force of his Heavenly Spin threw popcorn and sodas about the room, along with Ten Ten, Naruto, Gai, and the others. Ten Ten was livid. Neji, however, looked like he had just relieved himself of some tremendous build up of tension. He hated foreign films. He also hated suspense. If Ten Ten wanted to kiss him, he wished that she would just get it over with.
"Sorry!" Naruto said. "Catch you guys later." He saluted Ten Ten. "Nice hair. Really…" As he headed out the exit, he just barely escaped a slew of thrown kunai and sickles.
"You interrupted my kiss…"
"The statue… all that work… ruined…"
"My manhood!"
"OHHHH-hhhh-hhh-hh-h…"
"You'll pay…"
The light bothered Naruto's eyes when he ran out into the bright sunlight. But, that didn't bother him as much as the shouts and screams he heard behind him. It was an understatement, saying that the day had not turned out the way he had hoped. It should have been a peaceful day filled with discovery and reminiscing. Instead, he had to use all of his training to keep himself out of the Infirmary.
Concentrating chakra on the soles of his feet again, he ran up the side of one of the oldest and most poorly kept buildings in the city, now being used as a retirement home for elderly shinobi. Wanting to conserve strength, he decided to slide down a long rain pipe. But, the dilapidated downspout tore away from the wall.
Down below, two old warriors faced each other across a Go board. A balding toothless man was one single move away from defeating his life long rival. It had been nearly a decade since he last beat the obnoxious and flatulent man. Just as he picked his piece up, he heard a warning from above.
"Look out below!" Naruto had jumped free, but sections of the downspout continued falling.
There was a resounding sound of metal striking wood and stone. The wreckage of the pipe struck the gaming table, obliterating the game. The one man dropped to his knees, head in hands, and screamed. The other man smiled.
"Sorry old timers…" Naruto went to see if the men were alright. "They didn't make things real great in the old days…" He began running again when the balding man walked over to the front gate of the courtyard and pulled off a wicked looking iron bar.
Where could he go? Was there any place he could possibly hide? Maybe, if Kakashi was still occupied. Should the Copy Ninja have the opportunity to summon Pakkun, the game would be over. That's it! He thought of a place. It just might do. He used to hide there as a child.
Thinking himself safely secluded within the old groundskeeper's hut, Asuna prepared to enjoy one of his secret passions. The rough and burly jounin was dressed in a pair of supple tights, and was wearing a pair of flexible shoes. While he knew that his love for ballet did not making him any less of a man…or any poorer a fighter… he still felt compelled to hold his hand-swords whenever he leaped or pirouetted. Puffing on his cigarette as he performed his Demi-plié, Tondue, Grande Jeté, and Arabesque, he imagined what kind of ridicule he might have to endure if anyone ever caught wind of his hobby.
Naruto stepped inside of the vine-covered building. There was a strong smell of fertilizer and rotting hemp. He ducked, when something spun into view and two sharp-edge blades cut away a small portion of his hair. He was under attack! No. He wasn't. Someone was hopping about as if they had been struck hard to the head.
"Asuna-sensei…" Naruto twitched. He watched as the larger man came to an awkward stop, cigarette falling from his mouth. "Hey… well… don't let me interrupt you or anything…"
"YOU!" Asuna ground his cigarette under his foot, before the hay on the floor could catch fire. He struck out a number of times with his blades, intending to use the flat portion to stun Naruto. Enraged, his aim was off. He managed to shred his street clothes handing from one rafter.
"Ooops…" Naruto pointed first to the clothes, and then to the small windows lining the hut. A number of people had wiped away dirt and grime and were staring inside.
"I'll… I'll…" Asuna was rarely at a loss for words. "I'LL KILL YOU!" He began to run outside, only tow realize that he was dressed in a leotard and pointe.
"Pink really is your color," Naruto quipped, unable to pass up the chance.
"ARRRRR-GGGGG-HHHHH…"
"I have a spare green stretch suit," Gai offered his friend, walking into the hut. "It would be great for.. hah hah… ballet… hah hah… too…"
Asuna looked at the stretchy suit. He looked down at his leotard. He looked at the green suit again. "I'd be even more embarrassed to wear that thing." That had Gai sputtering.
Kurenai and Anko made a series of wolf whistles. That had Asuna clenching his teeth and his fists. When he heard Ten Ten say "He looks so cute like that," he shouted out in rage again.
"Gai-sensei would never make me dress up in anything like that," Lee said. "Except the times when I failed miserably in my missions."
"Where's Naruto?" Neji watched as a lone clone popped out of existence.
At that moment, the village's noisiest and most unpredictable ninja was running through one of Konoha's splendid floral gardens. That would offer plenty of obstacles to confound whoever might be following him. In a great hurry, he wasn't in any state of mind to consider the fact that the richly planted and well kept shrubs and flower beds were a treasure trove for botanists, a favorite meeting place for young couples, and a haven for innumerable butterflies and other insects.
His face deep within his cowled hood and his chin hidden by the tall collar of his robes, Shino moved very slowly. He still couldn't believe his good fortune, watching a False-Crested Harlequin Destruction Bug female testing out her wings on the leaf of a deciduous Meadowsweet. Most entomologists had been certain that the species had gone extinct decades ago. What a bounty!
If he could add that female the family breeding stock, another useful mutation could be encouraged. He held his breath, so his exhaling would no frighten the bug away. Sweat rolling down his face, he inched his outstretched hand closer… closer… closer.
Naruto ran past in a blur. The wind of his passage had the Meadowsweet bending ever so slightly. That was more than enough. The female bug flew off just before Shino could capture it.
"I found him!" One of the guards spotted Naruto. He was followed by the ugly dog. To distract them, Naruto used a Genjutsu move, making the man look like an inviting fire hydrant.
Sliding to one side, the fleeing ninja kicked up big rolls of sod, right in front of a sweating lawnskeeper. He knocked the heads off of a couple of exquisite roses just as a gardener was about to trim off some broken stems. Moving past an open control box, he accidentally triggered the sprinkler system, dousing a large number of townspeople strolling in the west end of the gardens.
Stopping at one point, he noticed a young man reaching up to pluck a cluster of grapes off of a trellis heavy with growth. It was Kiba. He handed the fruit to an attractive young woman dressed in a kunoichi's outfit. The cut and color was different than anything worn in Konoha.
"Hey! Kiba!" Naruto rushed to say a quick hello to his friend.
"Naruto?" Kiba smiled. "Long time no see, man. I didn't know you were back."
"Just got in today," Naruto said, surprised that he didn't see any sign of Akamaru.
"Well, you could have chosen a better day," Kiba said, shaking his head. "There is a whole lot of commotion going on throughout the village today. This is probably the only quiet spot in Konoha today."
"Oh… well… you're probably right." Naruto put a hand behind his neck and shuffled his feet a bit. "Things did seem a bit hectic…"
"I'd like to introduce you to someone important," Kiba said. "My girlfriend." He stood proudly, looking over at the smiling girl. "Yuka came from the Lightning Country. Her family works with dogs too." He grinned. "So… what do you think of her?"
"Wow. What a dog!" Naruto wasn't talking about Yuka. He was looking above one of the hedges. There was a huge dog there, more than large enough to be ridden like a horse or ox.
"What?" Kiba's face darked and his eyes narrowed, making him look fiercer than he did after performing the Half-Beast Clone technique. "What… did… you… say…"
"Dog," Naruto said. "Big big big dog!" Could that be Akamaru?
"How rude!" Yuka turned her back on Naruto. "Hmmmppphhh!"
"Do not let him escape, Kiba." Shino came walking up.
"He's mine first," Kiba said, growling deep in his throat. "You can have whatever's left."
"Huh?" Naruto looked at his two friends. Now what? This was getting f-cking ridiculous!
And so it went. Again, again, and again. No one was exempt. When Naruto ran across Iruka, the other shinobi was leading Konhamaru, Moegi, and Udon over to the training field.
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto smiled. Finally, a bright point to his day. "Where are all of the good noodle shops?" He had a pleasant conversation with his friend until he asked "They still have you in charge of the Baby Squad?" Naturally, that did not sit well with the genin. Konohamaru mentioned something about being the grandson of a former Hokage, and told his friends to show Naruto just how formidable they'd become.
Taking off again, he pelted down one of the main streets. When he reached an intersection, he yelled "Holy Shit!" and came to a complete halt. From one direction, there was a crowd led by a normal-sized Choji, Ino, and Shikamaru. From another, a mob was moving, with Sakura, Lee, Ten Ten, Asuna, and Gai at the forefront. From a third direction, a long procession of angry villagers was lined up behind Kurenai; Anko; members of the artisan's guild; and assorted people from the Spa, Old Soldier's Home, and Public Works department.
About to take to the roof tops, he froze. Off to one side, partially hidden by a large utility pole, Hinata stood watching him.
In great leaps, each many times his body length, the fugitive ninja bounced from building to building. There was only one chance! In all of Konoha, there was one building that a mob wouldn't follow him into. Of all of the people in the village, there was one who might be able to calm everyone down.
The sign above a particular door said 'Konoha Medical Center.' That was what he wanted. Creating hundreds of clones, he sent them running back the way he came, in hopes to buy himself more time. He wasn't worried about the mayhem the copies of himself might create.
"I'm sorry, but you cannot come in now." A weary looking attendant behind the main desk pointed to a large clock on the wall. "Visiting hours are over until eight o'clock."
"I'm not a visitor," Naruto said, breathless. "I'm a future customer." The sound of the combined mob could be heard in the distance.
"Be that as it may," the attendant said, sighing. "Unless you have a medical illness or emergency, I am going to have to ask you to leave."
"Look!" Naruto put a shocked look on his face, and then pointed out the closest window. "It's the Kyuubi!" That trick should never have worked. When the attendant turned to stare out the window, he snuck past, leaving a clone of him walking towards the exit.
The shinobi following him were not in any mood to respect the sanctity of the hospital. Leaving a gleeful Anko outside to restrain the masses, the other ninjas came inside looking for Naruto. Seeing that, he began checking in every room he came across, looking for the Hokage. He hoped that she was working her shift now. If she was still meeting with Jiraiya, he would make the hairy reprobate pay someday.
"O, hi Shizune!" Naruto barged in on the crucial part of a minor surgical procedure. The wind from the forcefully opened door caused on of the large candles to flicker and go out, leaving a portion of a large seal darkened and causing a medical technician to fumble his verses, when he no longer had enough light to read from the giant scroll in front of him.
"No!" Shizune shouted. "What have you done?"
"Instead of shrinking down in size and becoming normal, the vein in a throbbing and inflamed hemorrhoid grew to the size of a prize-winning watermelon. The patient screamed in agony.
"My bad!" Naruto blinked rapidly. That was something that he never wanted to see again. Leaving that room, he tripped over something. It was Ton Ton. "Hey! Watch where you're going, pork chop!"
"Bwee Bwee-e-e-e-e-e-e…" The pig scampered frantically, hearing that frightful choice of words. Pearl necklace steaming out behind it, the squealing animal ran in search of its owner.
The pig ran through a swinging door just its size, heading into a large darkened office. The sound of its whining and screeching left Naruto with a rather annoyed look. The shout that followed had him turning pale.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"
That was Tsunade's voice. She had just managed to close her eyes for the first time in over seventy-two hours. The last thing she had wanted was a moist pig snout bumping against her face, and the sound of shrill oinks echoing in her ears.
The loud exclamation stopped the crowd of ninjas. Not only hat, but they all began taking a few steps back, even Sakura. No, especially Sakura. She knew just how upset her shishou could get.
Without warning, one of the huge oaken doors opened and slammed against the wall. A whole hallway's worth of photographs of past medical staffs jumped off their hooks, crashing down to the floor.
"Uhhh… I… hello, Old Lady!" Naruto swallowed hard. His life began flashing before his eyes.
"Y-O-U-?" Tsunade's sighed and shook her head. The boy had only been back for one day. One measly day! Her eyes widened when she saw all of the people waiting outside her door.
Kurenai was the first one to step up and report. She was followed by everyone else there.
"How could one boy manage to do all that?" The Hokage's rhetorical question came out barely louder than a whisper. "And what should I do about it." Taking a deep breath, she gathered herself together and stood up. Staring at Naruto for three minutes straight without speaking, her growing anger had her trembling in no time.
"Hey… you know… I must say… you're looking more lovely than usual today…" Naruto swallowed hard. None of the phrases that he had learned from Jiraiya would save him now.
"Tell her about Medical Ninja Spread," Sakura said, an evil glint in her eyes.
"Naruto…" Tsunade clenched her fists. "I find myself in need of a suitable punishment for you…" She relaxed her hands, watching as a shy quiet girl walked to the front of the crowd. She smiled, raising one eyebrow. That would do.
"Ma'am…" Naruto did not like the look of that smile. He felt a shiver go up and down his spine.
"Here is my official decree," the Hokage said. "Naruto will accept his punishment from the hand of one person only. Anyone else seeking retribution will answer to me, and I will not be lenient." That had whispers passing throughout the crowd. "Furthermore, should Naruto attempt to circumvent his punishment in any way, he will be added to the list of Missing Ninjas without any trial.
"But…" Naruto closed his mouth when he saw the look on Tsunade's face.
"Obviously, Jiraiya cannot keep you out of trouble." Tsunade shook her head, muttering under her breath. "You need someone who can set you a much better example."
"Who?" Naruto crossed his fingers. If she said 'Anko,' he would accept the label of criminal.
"For the next week, you will not wander the streets alone and unaccompanied." The Hokage smiled. "One person will be given the task to accompany you, anywhere you go." That smiled widened. "What's more, you will do anything that she orders you to do. And I do mean 'anything'."
"She…" Naruto tensed up.
"Hyuuga Hinata, is that alright with you?" Tsunade asked.
"Ummm…" Hinata rubbed her fingers together. "Yes Ma'am."
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THE END
Author's addendum:
This story was originally posted on 11-16-04. It has been spruced-up some, with a few new additions here and there.