A/N: It's been a very long time since something like this happened to me. They used to be often and fairly severe. I'm not a very touchy feely person, but when the right person comes along I just want to drown in them. So, before anyone hits me up on how unlikely bits and pieces of this might seem, know that I'm writing on my own instincts and these two are acting on that.
The song Be Calm is by Fun. While the lyrics don't necessarily fit, the feel and emotions of this song have always reminded me of a manic experience. For me, that same feeling used to wash over me right before...
XOXOXO
Anais Nin once said that, "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."
Maybe that's why we push people away just when we need them the most. We find ourselves in the darkest corners of our own minds and we refuse to open up and drag our loved ones down with us. We're not hiding from judgement, we're avoiding exposing the truth to those that think they know us.
So who do we turn to when we drown? When the anxiety becomes too much and love is not enough? Maybe we're meant to be alone. Strangling in our own panic. Drowning with emotions and fear. Pain etching it's way into our skin, as the panic fills up our lungs and we forget where we belong.
If anxiety is love's greatest killer what does it matter to those who don't love us. If we can't turn to those closest to us, where do we turn to survive?
As a child she'd had several panic attacks. The kind that terrify a kid because it's their first real taste that the world is not in their control. Of course, these incidents, as her mother referred to them were quickly swept under the rug. Ellis Grey told her daughter in no short terms, that it was a pathetic way to not deal with reality, handed her an inhaler and a paper bag and told her to get herself together.
As an adult, she'd had a few, but not enough to be a real concern. Maybe she just couldn't accept that she should be concerned. That maybe one day she might not be able to get herself back under control. Or maybe, like her mother, she just kept telling herself she was making a fuss over nothing.
The last one was easy. It was Derek that brought her to her senses. It wasn't that he was kind or non judgmental and just helped her get through it. No, it was the reminder that he was there, watching her. Her mother's words of weakness and being out of control quickly led her to getting her shit together because he was not someone she wanted to be weak in front of.
This time, she didn't care about control. A man had died for her. Maybe not specifically for her, but she'd had that feeling all morning and now he was gone and she was here. She'd held it together through the aftermath, mostly it was just shock. The public spectacle that had been her reception was enough to keep her anxiety in line, even though for anyone else it would have pushed them over the edge. She didn't panic with crowds. It was isolation that scared her.
Being that focus of attention kept her from giving into the weakness crawling up her lungs. The constant buzz of words that she couldn't quite make out reminded her that this was reality. She was safe. The bomb was gone. But the panic was coming.
She'd save that for solitude. It was burning in her system already and she wondered if she'd be able to hold it off long enough this time. Maybe all those other times, stifling the feelings were just causing them to build up into this wild giant finale of anxiety that she wouldn't be able to contain. She would not lose control in front of all these people, she told herself in a tone that sounded very much like her mother.
Questions were pouring in at her and suddenly she couldn't move. It wasn't them. It wasn't their worries or concerns. It was the heart pounding realization that things were about to get a whole lot worse. Things were going to get out of hand and she would be seen as a failure if she let that happen.
Meredith barely registered the strong hand slide around her back, while another hand grabbed her arm and steered her away. She flinched at the touch, but was too far gone to resist. Her heart was pounding so heavily she barely registered the words being spoken in a firm and decisive manner. She couldn't even tell who it was that was speaking.
"I'm going to take Dr. Grey to get checked out. I know everyone is happy she's still alive, but let's give her some space to catch her breath a bit." She squeezed Meredith gently in understanding, knowing it was doubtful the younger woman would even notice.
Meredith looked at the person holding on to her and saw Addison. She looked at Addison like she'd never seen her before. What was she doing and why was she coming to her rescue? She stopped dead in her tracks, unable to form words, but the questions in her eyes were enough. Her blood was pumping too fast and her mind racing in too many directions that she didn't even know why she was resisting except that she knew her mother wouldn't have dared to let her receive help.
Addison didn't need to know what Meredith was thinking to recognize the signs. Firmly pushing Meredith into motion once more, Addison shut down any protests from the medical staff around them and began to lead her away. "Hang in there," she murmured near Meredith's ear. "We're nearly out of here."
They had almost reached the door when they spotted her friends huddled in a group waiting for them. They were her family, but they were not excluded from Addison's warning and she made that clear very quickly. "Not yet," she said firmly, putting an end to their questions and needs. The look she gave them spoke more than words. "I'll page you when we're through," she added, only slightly softer. It wasn't kind, just resolved. These were Meredith's people and eventually, no matter how little they understood her, they would need to see her.
Meredith knew she needed to respond in same way. She nodded to all their shocked faces that she was okay and let Addison guide her away from the crowd. She was complacent now. For whatever reason the harsh tone in Addison's voice made her think of her mother. It shouldn't have been comforting, but it was familiar.
Meredith practically fell into the locker room as they entered. She bent over, hands on her knees and breathed heavily. "Thank you," she said, as they entered the locker room which Addison locked behind them. She was grateful for the older woman getting her out of there, but that was all she wanted. "I've got this. I just need a minute; you don't have to stay." She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. The room was spinning, her heart pounding.
Addison shook her head and pushed Meredith onto the nearest bench. "I meant it about checking you out." There was an edge to her voice and Meredith did as she was told, sitting quietly - waiting for the scrutiny and loathing she was sure would come. She continued to breath heavily, but for now the panic was almost subsiding.
Addison pulled out a pen light and began to check the girls eyes and vitals. "You're in shock, but that's normal," she said, eyeing the young woman's pulse throbbing in her throat. "It's probably going to get worse before it gets better, but it's just emotions Meredith. Try to remember that. Physically you're just fine."
Meredith nodded. "He died," Meredith said bluntly. She knew everyone knew, but it didn't feel real. He died and she was alive, left behind to deal with the anxiety and panic. Left behind to make something of her life that mattered now. It was a responsibility she didn't want. He had saved lives. He seemed like a good person. She … she damaged everything she touched. Why wasn't she the one dead?
"He did," Addison replied, knowing that Meredith didn't need sugar coating right now. She didn't need soft or needy or fawning over. She needed reality. "You're still here," she said, a little softer. She was kneeling in front of Meredith, ready to catch her when the emotions hit. Knowing what was happening, her mind went into overlode. "Meredith, do you have an inhaler?"
Meredith shook her head and stood up, pacing anxiously. "Don't do that. Don't be nice about it. We both know that I should be dead and that man up there, the man that saves lives every single day because he wanted to is gone. How do I compete with that?"
Addison grabbed her by the arms a little tighter than necessary. "You don't compete Meredith. You don't look for reason. You just do the best you can. It doesn't matter how fucked up you are or how perfect you are. You just do the best you can." She watched as the younger woman's chin quivered and knew what was coming before Meredith did.
Arm's sliding down to Meredith's waist, Addison gently lowered her counterpart to the floor. "I'm not being nice to you because I pity you. I'm not going to look at you all sappy and tell you it's okay. I'm not going to lie and tell you that you're here for some cosmic reason. You don't need that from me, if you did you'd be with your friends."
Meredith had drawn her knees up and hugged them close to her as she panted for breath. She couldn't get the air to move though. It seemed like every time she exhaled she gasped for the next breath. She needed more. She needed something. She needed to escape.
"Tell me what you need, honey," Addison said, not making any sudden moves. She just watched Meredith patiently. "I'm gonna put my hand on your back now, nothing else. Okay?" Meredith didn't respond, but she saw her look at her from the corner of her eye and give the smallest of nods.
Meredith could feel the slow circles on her back where Addison rubbed gently, but the gentleness of it scared her. She needed pain in this moment, not compassion. She clenched her fists until her own nails dug into her palms. Taking the thumb of her right hand she shoved the nail into her palm and welcomed the small chemical release the pain created. Her whole body hurt, her mind hurt if that made sense. She knew the science. Shoving her nail in deeper until she could feel it. She'd played with pain before.
Her racing thoughts went to the fear that Addison might realize what she was doing. She couldn't have the other woman suspecting that she'd done something like that before. That was not an option. Meredith tried to get up, but staggered, almost tripping. She was quickly guided back down.
"No you don't," Addison chided gently, "If you start walking around you're going to pass out. I'm going to move behind you if that's okay?"
Meredith nodded tearfully, "Please don't let go. It helps," she said, remembering the calming circles on her back. Normally she couldn't stand people to touch her during an incident like this, but this was different. There was something about the calm cool nature of Addison's gestures that just seemed to help. Maybe it was the way she thought her mother should have treated her. She didn't know.
Addison slid Meredith forward a little on the cold tile and moved behind her, leaning back against the lockers. Squeezing her legs around Meredith's she tried to surround her with a physical presence. She felt Meredith pull away, but she wasn't pulling from her. "You're starting to have a panic attack Meredith, you know that. It will pass, you know it will. It's just chemicles"
The young woman was trying to curl herself in to some quasi-fetal position their current situation would allow for. "Stop fighting it Meredith, you don't have to run away. Let's try to get you straightened back out so you can catch your breath," she whispered into the younger woman's ear, as she grabbed both of her hands in her own. "You're safe right now. The danger is over and nothing bad is coming," Addison said, needing Meredith to understand. She kept her voice as level as she could, but she couldn't deny that she was hurting for the other woman.
"It hurts," Meredith said, trembling all over. Her breath was choppy and she knew this wasn't even close to the worst of it. She struggled against Addison, but with no real need to escape. It still wasn't enough. She was certain she was going to throw up or pass out any moment.
Addison nodded. "I know it does, but you're not alone. You don't have to do this alone." She promised that she wasn't leaving without words. She promised that she was steady, just by her presence. "I know this is scary sweetie, but you're safe."
It was too much and not enough. Her mother's harsh scorn in her mind, her own childlike need to be saved. Gasping for breath Meredith's whole body tightened in fear. This was the panic she had been afraid of. The one she wouldn't come back from.
She struggled to get lose once more and let out a broken whimper when she couldn't move.
Somehow Addison knew that Meredith wasn't trying to get away from her and just kept moving their hands with each breath, holding Meredith in place. Letting each breath ground them, she kept guiding her through the movements. "Just breath Meredith, focus on that, focus on my voice. It's just you and me here. We're at the hospital. You're safe. You're doing a good job."
Meredith tried to listen, but her thoughts were racing. A man was dead because of her. A good man. A man who should still be living. What could she possibly do to make up for that? How could anyone even look at her knowing what she'd done?
But Addison was there. She tried to turn in the woman's grasp but couldn't. Addison had her wrapped up in her arms and legs and wasn't budging. Feeling that sort of physical confinement was comforting compared to the blood coursing through her veins with no where to go. Icy hot, it made her skin crawl in a way that she couldn't sate. It wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.
"Can't breath," she gasped, needing Addison to understand that she had to let her go. Let her move. She swore she felt Addison kiss the side of her head, before she moved the younger woman's hands.
"I'm not letting you give up," Addison swore harshly.
Addison cleared her voice, trying to calm down, Meredith didn't need her fear. She lowered her head almost resting against Meredith's shoulder. "We're just going to take it slow. One hand on your stomach," she said gently but firmly, moving Meredith's right hand to rest upon her belly. "One hand on your chest," she added, moving the their left hands just between Meredith's breasts.
Meredith let her hands move, even as she gasped for breath. Addison pulled their hands tighter, in what almost felt like a hug. It was comfort. It was security. It was something she had never known.
"Follow your hands," she tugged on them a little bit, reminding Meredith of where they were. "Inhale through your stomach," she whispered, squeezing the mentioned hand. She paused for a moment, before continuing. "Exhale through your chest," she said encouraged.
Meredith shook her head no. "Can't breath." She was struggling to follow Addison's instructions, but the fear that there was no solution was making it worse. What if she died right here in Addison's arms? What if she went crazy and they sent her away? What if she was already dead?
"Meredith," Addison said gently. When she got no response she said the younger woman's name harshly, desperately. She felt Meredith jump and knew she had her attention. "Just let me breath for you. Feel my hands on yours. I'm right here. You're going to get through this moment. I promise."
She was shaking her head no once more, but Addison could already feel her breathing slowing down just slightly. "Feelings aren't facts Meredith. I know this feels really scary, but there is no reason why you can't breath. This is going to pass, just ride through it."
They stayed quiet for a moment. Both focusing on the rise and fall of Meredith's chest until the panic subsided. Addison's back hurt slightly from the metal pressed against it and she shifted to move to a more comfortable position.
Meredith's fear instantly came back and, while she didn't panic, she grabbed the older woman's hands and pulled them tightly around her. "Don't go," she pleaded quietly.
Addison turned Meredith between her legs, so that she was facing sideways. Drawing Meredith's legs over her own she shook her head no. "I'm not going anywhere until you're ready." She gave Meredith a knowing look. It wasn't pity, it was just understanding.
Meredith nodded, tears filling her eyes. Her body physically hurt from what it had just been through and she fell against Addison's, curling against her and crying against her shoulder. "I should have been stronger," she whispered, thinking of her mother's scorn.
"You were strong," Addison promised. "You stayed. When everyone else ran away, when the fear was too much, you were there. You saved one man's life. It's not your fault that another man, one who put his life on the line to save people just like you, people weaker than you, died. He did what he was called to do. Just like you. You're not weak, and there's nothing wrong with feeling afraid. But Meredith Grey, don't ever let me see you giving up like that. Don't give in to the toxic thoughts that woman put into your head."
Meredith pulled back and looked up at Addison in confusion. "How did you... ?" She didn't know how Addison knew exactly what to say to her, but it hurt her to hear the fire in her voice. She was angry at Ellis Grey and protective of Meredith. Even in a state of complete denial Meredith could recognize that.
Addison smiled sadly. "I know. I met you mother a long time ago. I know how she was." She stroked Meredith's sweaty bangs off her face. "I know how she was with you. You did nothing wrong today and there's nothing wrong with how your body or mind reacted. Sometimes we just need a little help finding our feet again"
Meredith didn't respond, but she thought it over for a moment before leaning back against Addison and just absorbing the comfort. She continued to cry, but it was her bodies way of coming down from what she'd just experience. It wasn't an emotional reaction. She was numb except for the feeling of safety and enclosure.
Addison felt the younger woman still trembling in her arms and pulled her a little closer, running a hand against her hair. "You're safe now Mer, you're safe." She continued to hum soft words to the younger woman as the energy in the air settled around them. Her hips and butt were asleep, but she didn't mind. She just stayed, knowing that staying was the one thing Meredith had never experienced.
She wasn't sure how long it took Meredith to fall asleep. She didn't know how long it took herself to loose track and drift off either. She awoke to find Baily standing over them. "I used my key," she said by way of explanation. "We just wanted to make sure you were both okay."
Addison nodded, rubbing her bleary eyes. "Yeah, God, how long have we been gone?"
"Long enough Addison. Why don't you take her home with you tonight. You know that girl has more damage than any one person should have to deal with. She'll need you."
Addison shook her head embarrassed by Baily's words. "No, I should take her home to her friends. They're her family."
Baily shook her head. "Not so fast Addison. You got her out of there, she's counting on you to stay with her."
"It was just a panic attack," Addison said weakly.
Baily crossed her arms stubbornly. "Panic attacks happen out of fear. This was after a traumatic event, use that big old doctor brain of yours to put those pieces together and then tell me you want to drop her off to her friends. They mean well, but they're not equipped for this."
Addison dropped her head back to the locker and closed her eyes. "PTSD," she whispered. "Panic attacks after a trauma are usually a sign," she said resolution in her voice. "You're right, of course I'll keep her."
She shifted, trying to stretch out her back and Meredith whimpered. The young woman's hands tangled in her shirt and loud enough for even Baily to hear, she called for Addison.
"I'm here," the redhead promised, "I'm right here." She let her voice soothe the younger woman back into a stillness before relaxing. She looked up to Miranda with tears in her own eyes. "I don't know how to help her," she pleaded.
Baily shook her head. "You just said it yourself, be there for her Addison. Follow your instincts and get that girl out of my hospital before her friends drive me insane." She started to leave, but then turned around. "It's none of my business, but my gut tells me, these aren't just recent wounds."
XOXOXO
A/N: Not sure if I'll continue this one, but I'm okay with it I think. Please let me know what you think.