Song fic: How am I supposed to live without you
'Babe Angst' set after LMT spoiler warning
Rate : K+
One short: Ranger's POV when Steph told him she made up her mind
Song 'How AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU' by Michael Bolton
Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters. JE owned them. I just borrowed for fun. I'm Babe. And I just hear this old song and I think it might be Ranger's feeling if Joe & Steph will be together
Ranger's POV
Now, I'd been coming back to Trenton by the plane from Miami. Two weeks ago, I had to solve some problems in Miami Rangeman. I promoted the man that I could trust to have authority to decide for most of things so that I didn't have to come too frequently.
I'm in first class seat thinking about my life and what's reason to stay more in Trenton. Stephanie. I couldn't help smiling when I thought of her. Our relationships were complicated. Friendship? Sure. That's the base. Nevertheless, there were more, at least, I want more. I'm in love with her for very long times. I wasn't sure when it began but every thing became clear when Abruzzi kidnapped her and hurt her. I'd known since that I would do anything for her.
All of my life, there were no woman that I'd ever fallen in love until her. I know in my heart she's the only ones. In my head told me this was the most stupid idea, I'd ever had and my moral codes made me hold back and drew the lines with her. I did this for her. I didn't want her to guilt over her boyfriend Joseph Morelli. Still, I couldn't cut her off. Every time I closed to her, I seem to lose self-control. Moreover, I didn't think Joe could make her happy. Besides, he isn't my friends though I respect him some levels. Therefore, I rivaled with him but I played fair game. I put him on notice that I was by her side at the arm's length, waited for moving in.
Look at my life now, my life has a lot of change. I don't live in danger like before. Of course, I might never be a standard husband and father like Ron, Rachel husband, but I just hope that might be the initial step to have relationship with Steph. Hope she'll wait for me. Hope I'm good enough for her. Hope she love me for me.
The air hostess voices made me out of my zone." Fasten your seatbelt, please. We 'd prepared for landing". I looked at my watch. Tank should be at the airport waiting for me already.I saw him waiting for me beside my trucks. He looked discomfort and did not meet my eyes.
"Yo, did some things go wrong?" I asked. From Tank's manner, it must be bad news.
He didn't answer me immediately. I went inside the car and Tank drove heading for Haywood Street. I looked at him.
"Um, Ranger, I...I just talked with Lula yesterday. She told me Stephanie engaged with Morelli already. He had proposed her for a week and she said yes to him. They planned for wedding in mid next month. He looked at me pitifully.
I froze, felt numb head over toe. This is unreal. God! Please tell me it didn't happen.
'I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today'
"Man, are you Ok?" Tank asked with concerned voices.
"Take me to Steph's apartment," I told him.
"What's any reason in the world to go there, she made up her mind and she'd chose him already. You couldn't change anything more. Let her go, man, get over her." Tank said.
"I wanted to know why she decided that" I replied
"It would made you hurt more," Tank protested
"Just bring me there, leave my truck and I'll off line" I ordered
We came to Steph's apartment and Tank left. I looked around a parking lot. Her car was here. No Morelli's car. Good. I thought. I didn't sure, I could control myself not to destroyed cop's car.
I called to her "Babe, Are you in your apartment?"
"Yes" Stephanie replied. She seemed to lose her words and turn to monosyllable woman.
"Can we talk?" I asked.
"Sure, where are you?"
"I'm in front of your door" She opened the door and I stepped in. I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. She didn't make the eyes contact. I moved my eyes to her hands and I saw it. The diamond ring was on her left ring finger. My heart sank.
'I had to come and get it straight from you
They said you were leaving
Someone swept you heart away
From the look upon your face I see it's true'
I sat on the couch or I was going to faint in front of her.
'So tell me all about it
Tell me about the plans you're making'
"Do you sure you want to marry with him?"
Steph sat beside me. "Yeah, Joe's loved me and I'd loved him for a long time and He NEED me".
"I can't imagine you're typical Burg housewife"
"No. Never, However, Joe seems to admit me as I am nowadays. Ranger, I'd born and raised in the Burg. Although, I'm not a typical Burg girl but there's a part of the Burg inside me. I want to have someone by my side. I don't want to be lonely. Moreover, I think you never tied yourself to anyone. She said sadly.
Tell me about it. I thought and sighed, "That's why I tell you I never be the base of your food pyramid. I am not ready for settle down in that time. But, my life's changed. I'm not in danger as much as in the past. I still not ready to settle down but I'm willing to try a relationship with you. Give me some chances," I flat out told her.
"Ranger, there're no chances for us. I can't leave Joe. He can't bear to lose me. If his life turns down, I might have guilt over him for the rest of my life." Her eyes well tears.
"How's about me? Babe, do you think I could?" I finally found my voice.
' Then tell me one thing more before I go.
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?
Now that I've been loving you so long.
How am I supposed to live without you?
How am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I've been living for is gone.'
"You're the strongest man I'd ever known. I know you so well that you don't do anything stupid. She paused. "And truth is I'm in love with you, Ranger. You're my best friend, my mentor… and my hero. You're in my dream. However, Joe is the one in my thoughtfulness. I have to live in reality not a dream." She began to sob.
I felt a hard lump in my throat and realized that I started to cry. I tried to control my emotion. Fucking Hero! I thought bitterly.
"I'm just an ordinary man Babe." I couldn't say anymore or I would breakdown. Zen calms Carlos, I told myself. Didn't let her see me like a loser! I repeated her words in my mind. Live in reality not a dream.
'I didn't come here for crying
Didn't come here to breakdown
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end'
"Ranger, you're so quiet. I know you mad at me. Please, say some thing. I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry. It's my entire fault."
'And how can I blame you
When I built my world around
The hope that one day
We'd be so much more than friends'
"Babe, I don't mad at you. Stop crying, please. Why do cry so hard like this?" I lose every times when I see her cry. It makes me want to comfort her, to hold her tightly though my heart was shattering now.
"I just feel very sad. There is bonding between us and I'm the one who destroy it. Can we still be friend?" Steph asked.
"I always am your friend, Steph. Don't you remember what I said? There 're no price for whatever we give to each other."
I hold her tight. Cannot help touching her. It's the last time. I told myself.
'And I don't wanna know
The price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it's more than I can take
And I don't wanna face
The price I'm gonna pay for dreaming'
We hold each other for a moment. Then she smiled faintly to me "Thank you, Ranger. Thanks for everything you do for me. I'll never forget"
I got on my leg. Steph said everything very clearly. I had to accept her choice. This game was over. I need to go on my life but how? I didn't know. I just knew one thing. I still loved her. Maybe I need the whole lifetime to forget her too.
"I wish you'll be happy" I said to her and kissed her lightly at her lips, one last kiss and turned away from her quickly. I shut the door before she, my Babe, my Elizza could see my tears.
' Now that your dream has come true
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been loving you so long
How am I supposed to live without you?
How am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I've been living' for is gone'
END