This is my first fanfic and it is just my thought on how Edward might have continued his hundred year's worth of journals throughout the Twilight book. Hope you enjoy and please review.
Disclaimer- Twilight and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.
FIRST SIGHT
Journal Entry 1
I have had some long days in my 100 plus years both as a human and as an immortal but today has broke all records. I was finally getting use to the nothing of existence in Forks where the biggest news in two years was the arrival of a new student. I understood my role in my family as the ears of our little group making sure that no one in the small town had any idea of our true nature and Jasper didn't go off the deep in. And trust me when I say the irony of that is last statement is comical after today because nothing prepared me or my family for this. First through fourth period as expected. Lunch nothing out of the ordinary. Biology all hell breaking loose. Yes that is right, in one hour I almost destroyed myself, my family, our lives in the ridiculously boring town, and most importantly Bella Swan. I still don't understand it. I was just sitting in class recovering from having to listen to all the boys in the school lust after this girl that was average at best and wondering why I couldn't make out any of her thought and then with one breath my world crumbled. I had never smelled blood so rich and luscious. Just the memory brings the venom back to my mouth. All I could think of was how to taste this incredible delicosee. In one hour I had devised more plans to kill this one person than I had managed in the whole five years that I was away from Carlisle. If I had been younger or it had just been myself that I had to worry about I would be writing through red hazed eyes but it isn't just me that I have to consider and so I am writing as my ferry crosses into Alaska. I hate to admit that I was weak and I ran. I know that I am causing my family hurt especially Esme but I just don't think I could look in their eyes and see the disappointment and betrayal of knowing that I was the one that "went off the deep in". See the irony now? I can't go back now maybe not ever. This is more than anything I have ever faced and I don't think I have the strength to face it at all. I know that they would understand if I had lost the fight, but I keep hearing Alice's voice in my head telling me that I wouldn't just destroy Bella's life but Charlie's as well if I gave into the monster within. True that I have never spent any time with the Chief of police but I can't handle the guilt of knowing with one action I ripped his life apart just because I have no control. Carlisle has taught me better than that and the idea of letting him down in such a drastic fashion was more than I could handle which is why I just stopped told him I was leaving and preceded out of town. I knew he was worried but I could bare the shame I would see in his eyes if I admitted to my weakness. No one could ask for a better father, friend, and mentor and the last I wanted was to kill his faith in me. I don't know where to go from here. This crossroads that I am suddenly facing. Alice had said that something new was coming but I had thought that she meant the new girl that everyone else had been talking about. Bella. Just the name brought back the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, but mostly the hunger. So I can't return no matter how much I am hurting my family. Because if I went back before I knew that I could handle this compulsion I would hurt them even more.
Journal Entry 2
A week in the heart of Alaska and I am no closer to an answer. I'm lonely from missing my family, I am angry for my reaction to a slip of a girl that just happened into my meager existence, I am annoyed from Tanya throwing herself at me even though I have told her repeatedly that I harbor no special feelings toward her, and I am tortured because everywhere I look I see those eyes. Those chocolate oceans of interest and silence. Does it help or hurt that I couldn't hear her mind? Would I have been able to move past the taste for her? I had never ended a life that wasn't deserving and just maybe if I could hear her thought and know that she wasn't a threat or a menace then I could control the hunger. But I still didn't know and until I did was it fair to go back and endanger not only her life but mine and my families in the hope that I could be able to control myself as I had in that one hour of existence. I knew that I could be a selfish person. I could remember if this had always been so and so like most of my despicable traits I blamed it on the monster that raged inside of me, but could I actually be so selfish as to ruin eight lives just so that I didn't have to stay in my self-imposed exile. I missed my talks with Carlisle, Esme's warm eyes that always looked everyone with such love and understanding, playing mind games with Alice that drove everyone else crazy because they couldn't hear us, wrestling with Emmett and Jasper as we headed off to hunt, hell I even missed hearing Rosalie's ridiculously shallow and self-centered thought. I loved my family. If this so-called life was hell then they were my heaven. I could not have asked for a better group of people to spend eternity with. They kept me calm, entertained, grounded, laughing and sane. I knew that Esme worried that I wasn't whole because I hadn't found a mate, my other half and she called it, but I knew that my family was actually what made me complete. Sure it was hard to live with three perfectly paired couples without generally feeling like a third wheel but they always included me and I knew that any of them would do anything for me, even Rosalie. I owed them more than this. More than my just disappearing without an explanation or a word as to where I was going and when I would be back. I hadn't even been able to tell Carlisle if I would be back. Even now when the pull to return was eating away at me I didn't know if I was strong enough to go. Because part of that pull was located in the dark brown eyes that stared back at me from every direction. I was a coward and I knew it but I couldn't bring myself to make the choice. The one that I knew as sure as I was lying here surrounded by snow that Alice was desperately hoping to see. Yet until I could make a decision about the girl behind the eyes that bore into my mind and my world I would not return. I would not then my selfishness hurt those that I love the most. I would not become the monster that I hated. I was at least strong enough to do that.
Journal Entry 3
I'm headed back. Part of me feels as though I am being pushed back and another part feels that I am being pulled back but both parts knew that it is because of those eyes. Those penetrating question filled eyes. They are everywhere and the more I try to not think about them the more I see them. It's like this girl is some kind of personal torture device manufactured just for me. So I decided that if I am going to be tortured I should at least be with my family that can help me resist. At least that is what I am telling myself. Truthfully, I think a small part of me hated the fact that I was chased out of my home by this girl that couldn't move me if she ran head long into my body with all her might. I am a man and even though I might only look seventeen I have lived lifetimes around her and I should be able to control myself more than I did. And yet I can still see those eyes. I can see the confusion and hurt and fear deep in their smooth look just as easily as if I had read her mind. She didn't understand my reaction to her and how could she when I still didn't understand. But it is the fear that has torn me apart. I don't know what there is to this girl but I feel protective. I can't explain it. It is the most confounding thing I have experienced in my multitude of years. I don't know her, I can't read her mind, and I can still smell her blood drawing my mouth to her throat but I want to shield her. I know logically that none of this makes any sense. I mean what could be a bigger threat to her than me? However, that is how I feel. I don't want her to fear me but at the same time I know that this is probable the best thing to keep her alive. I have to sit next to her for the rest of the semester and basically not breath for an hour so that my reaction won't be so extreme and still I want to know what there is in her mind that is drawing me back and the monster inside wants to know why her blood is so mouthwatering. But I will control myself. I will not disappoint my family like that. I will hunt until I am running over with blood and can hardly move before I see her. When the thirst is sated I believe that it will be easier. I know that I am taking a huge gamble with this course of action but maybe Alice will be able to see if this will work. One vision from her and I will be gone once again. I will not unleash the monster that I am. Eighty years as taught me more about the person that I want to be than I ever knew at the tender age of seventeen and I will not go back on all I have build because of one girl no matter how much her eyes call to me.