Please Don't Hate Me.
Part One.
Ianto put down the little book he'd been reading from. He'd originally thought it was funny, Jack having a book called 'Captain's Log'. Now, he didn't know what to think. He stared off into space, stunned.
Jack stood at the door to his office. He was just waiting there, waiting for Ianto to put his diary down. How much had he read? God, Jack thought, serves me right for reading his. Silently, a tear broke loose from Jack's heart, and wound its way down his cheek. There was too much in that book. Every bad thing he'd ever done, every bad thing that had ever been done to him. In that moment, he wouldn't have blamed Ianto if he ran away and never looked back.
"I'm so sorry," Jack whispered, brokenly.
Ianto just looked up at him. His expression was unreadable. Jack's mind traced the thousands of possibilities. He was sure Ianto would be disgusted with him now. He drew in a deep breath, trying to keep his calm. He stood tall, crossing his arms across his chest. He was so torn between holding onto his Captain's façade, and breaking down, telling the young man everything.
He was terrified. He loved Ianto so much, having let the young Welshman slip past all his barriers. Now he couldn't imagine life without him. This was it. Ianto was going to make his excuses and leave him. He just knew it. His fingers gripped his elbows just a little too tightly, fingernails digging into the skin. He couldn't bear the thought of Ianto leaving him.
"I should have told you, I should have told you all of it. But you go for years never giving a straight answer. Hiding certain parts of yourself. It becomes second nature," Jack sighed.
Ianto kept his eyes trained on Jack. Just looking at him, never saying a word, never moving from his seat in Jack's desk chair.
"I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again. Hell, I probably wouldn't if I was in your shoes. There's so much in my past. I can't get rid of it, I'm so sorry," Jack continued.
He slipped his coat from his shoulders, loosely folding it and hugging it to his chest. Only the man in front of him knew this quirk. Jack held his coat whenever something worried him. It reminded him of the days when he'd been a braver man. Fighting in the war. Living up to the name he wore.
Jack's breath came forth in a litany of whispered 'I'm Sorry's. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut; unable to bear the look of disdain he was sure would be painted across his young lover's features.
He wanted to cry. The best thing to happen to him in years, and some stupid words thrown together on dirty old paper had messed it up for him. No, he'd messed it up. He'd messed it up by being the man he used to be. How could he ever expect someone to love him? He couldn't even love himself after all the things he'd done.
"Ianto," it came out as more of an anguished sigh that a question.
He heard Ianto draw in a breath, as though he were about to speak. Jack's entire body stiffened, waiting for the impending rejection.
To Be Continued…