Today's the day, the worst day of my life
It seriously was one of those days. I woke up late, I failed that math test, and I forgot my Gameboy. To top it all off, I get a front row seat of you with that bastard of a kid Near. Why does this bother me? Why should it bother me? It's just one of those days, I guess.
You're so content it hurts me, I don't know why
Fuck. It shouldn't be this damn…hard all the time. I thought for sure that stuck up little prick would piss you off right away, but you look almost happy to be with him. At sixteen years old, and you go for that fourteen year old? It just doesn't make sense. None of it does. The thought of you and him together blows my mind, and my caring about it confuses me even more. It doesn't make any damn sense.
The cost of misery, is at an all time high
I keep it hidden, close to the surface in sight
I check the Wammy scores for the week, and apparently I dropped down six slots. I went from number three to number nine in a week. Curse you Mello. Stop doing this to me. Please, just stop. That's when you decide to push me even farther. You come to confront me about it.
"Matt, what's with your scores? You okay man?" I avoid eye contact and put my orange goggles over my eyes. I won't let you see me. Not like this.
"Yeah Mello, I'm fine," I said with a bitter tone, "There is no need to pretend like you care." At that instant I regret what I had just said immediately. I say things I regret a lot, though.
"Fine, Mail," you shoot back, "I guess I'll just go then." And you do, you leave.
I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe
I couldn't sleep that night. I kept having the same nightmare where tears are falling from my face, and they turn into fire at contact with the floor. It never burns me though, only you. I just suffocate from all the smoke. That's when my body wakes up, coughing uncontrollably.
When I'm going down don't worry about me
I walk into the cafeteria the next day hoping to avoid any contact with anybody. But it's such a small lunchroom, so of course the first eyes I see are the striking blue ones that haunt my nightmares. Your eyes, Mello. Near isn't sitting with you, because he'd be in his room right now. You look pretty damn lonely. So, I sit.
"Mello, I-"
"Get out of my face Matt. I don't want to talk to anyone right now," you say.
"But Mello, I didn't mean what I said."
"Of course you did. Why the fuck else would you say it?"
I don't really have an answer. I can't tell you, I just can't. I look away from those eyes of yours. You notice, and your eyes soften. I start to withdraw, but you grab my hand.
"Matt, really this time, are you okay?" You ask with real concern.
"Don't worry about me Mello, I'll be fine." And with that I leave you, confused and angry.
Don't try this at home, you said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me
I sit there, and watch you. You and him. Mello and Near. Nello. Mear. God those ship names are awful. Because you guys don't make any damn sense together. But of course, nobody would dare ever tell you that. That's when I see you start to tighten your grip. You're holding something back, and it's hurting you.
"Near, don't you think it's easier if we were to multiply the conjugate before distributing?" You say, trying to be polite.
"Mello, honestly that would just lead the problem into a dead-end. It's better to distribute first," He says, with his omniscient tone. You nod and smile, shrugging off that you were wrong, again. Then you turn to see me. Your eyes, they are burning with rage. But they soon soften. I can't let that happen. I'm not allowed to be there for you. Not when that's his job. So I take out a chocolate bar, and see your eyes light up. But I just open it, and bite off an end. Your eyes, they harden. You understand what this means. I'm not ready. This can't happen.
Could you be with him? Or was it just a lie?
He doesn't catch you like I do, and you don't know why
I knock on the door to your room, in regrets for earlier. You open it, see me, and almost slam the door in my face. But for some reason, you don't. I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. I take out a small bag, with a card attached. And I leave, knowing exactly what it said. It said,
Mello, sorry for being a douche. Here's some I'm sorry chocolate. I know you're angry with that 95% in math today. If you need more chocolate, I have some. Matt
I slide down the back of my door, half regretting what I just did. I shouldn't have intervened like that, but either way, I did. I just couldn't see you so hurt. I couldn't.
You change your clothes and your hair, but I can't change your mind
Oh, I'm uninvited, so unrequited now
I see you walking the hallways the next day, but I have to look twice to see that it is you. You are wearing white cotton. And no leather. Not pajamas at least, but you are wearing white. And your hair isn't nice and brushed, like usual. It's…messy. At least you are still wearing that silver cross pendant I got you last Christmas. It is the only thing about you that seems like you. What happened?
You see me looking and glance in my direction. You give me a half smile and a nod, but turn to take Near's hand anyway. It feels like that smoke is starting to surround me again.
I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe
The smoke is suffocating me. I begin to feel dizzy, and everything turns black. The last thing I know if I hear a loud thump and feel a sharp pain against my neck and side.
When I'm going down don't worry about me
I wake up to find you, Near, and a few random students looking over me. I blink a few times, and I barely hear you when you say, "Matt, Matt, you okay? What happened?"
I cough a little bit, and ask, "How long was I out?"
"About four minutes and thirty-two seconds," Near responds.
" I was starting to worry about you Matt." you add with concern.
"Don't worry about me Mello. I'm fine." I say forcing a smile. You smile back.
Don't try this at home, you said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me
Lying in bed that night, awake, I hear my door open. I look up to see you sit on the edge of my bed, back in your normal clothes. Thank God. You pet my head softly, but I sit up. I don't know what I'm doing at this point, but I grab your face. I think I'm about to kiss you when I let go completely, and look down. Damn this is hard. You give me one last pat, and leave, just like that.
Words screaming in my head, why did you leave?
And I can't stop dreaming, watching you and him, when it should have been
It should have been me
I know I did something wrong. You didn't even say anything when you came in. I shouldn't have been so bold, and maybe you wouldn't have just left. Or maybe I should have kissed you, but you'd probably be more mad if I did that.
Asleep that night, I dream. You and Near are sitting there building one of his goddamn puzzles. But there is a piece missing. I look in the mirror and see that the same piece is on my chest. Then I wake up.
Today's the day, the worst day of my life
You don't look at me all day. I don't know a worse feeling than to know you refuse to look at me. Is my face poison? Am I really that bad of a person? It is such a horrible and terrible and god awful feeling, knowing you refuse my presence. Please, please end this torture.
I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe
I have that fiery nightmare again that night. The fire is worse than before, and this time it burns me too. The worst is still the smoke. It's gray and menacing, and overwhelms me. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe? And why won't I wake up?
When I'm going down don't worry about me
I open my eyes in a coughing attack to see you perched overtop of me. I am too surprised to speak, but you see me awake and breathing, and you laugh. Not a mean laugh, more like a relieved laugh. And you lay your head on my chest.
Don't try this at home, you said you don't see
"Mello," I ask, "Why are you here?"
"I don't know Matt."
"Yes you do." I press. You look at me, look down, and sigh. Then you look back up at me with pleading eyes.
"Please," I beg, "Tell me."
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me
You swallow in anticipation. "Okay," you say, "Honestly, I had a nightmare."
"Mello, what happened?"
"You. You were dying, and I couldn't save you. You were just laying there bleeding, and I couldn't do anything to stop it." You begin to cry. I hold you.
Whoa(I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe)
You stop sobbing for a second to look at me, and continue. "I couldn't take the dark, so I came to see you. Things always seem brighter when you're around." You smile through your drying tears.
Whoa (I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me)
I almost tell you to stop. But I know if I don't, my not fully understanding will haunt me forever. So I have to know, and you continue. "But, when I came in to see you, I j-just saw you laying there, sleeping, shaking. At first I thought you were shivering, but you looked more in pain than cold."
Tell me that you know, it should have been me
"Matt, I've never been more afraid in my entire life. Losing you is the worst possible scenario I could imagine. You're my best friend."
Whoa(Don't try this at home, you said you don't see)
I gasp slightly. I mean, I know you're my best friend. And I know I'm yours. But for some reason, actually hearing you say it feels good. I guess, now it's my turn to explain.
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me
"Mello," I pause. You look up. I go on, "I'm sorry I scared you. I was having this nightmare I keep having over and over and over again." You respond by grabbing my hand tightly, signifying me that you want me to continue. So I do.
Whoa(I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breath)
Whoa(I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me)
"It's you. Well, it's my fault. I keep crying, but it's just, the tears aren't water. They're fire. And they aren't burning me, they are burning you. I can't do anything because the smoke is suffocating me. Every time I wake up, I can't breathe." You look at me for a few seconds, still grasping my hand. You let go only to take me into a full embrace, that maybe lasted five seconds, but felt like an eternity.
Tell me that you know, it should have been me
After a long silence between us, I finally ask the question that has just been sitting there, taunting me. "What about Near?" You shake your head.
"He was never right for me, I broke up with him yesterday." I couldn't respond with anything other than, "But, why?"
You shake your head and laugh. "Matt, really? I think I realized that I was losing someone who meant more than the world to me."
And at that, it was the best day of my life.
A/N: ThreeMillion here, and I'd just like to announce that this is my first fic with an actual storyline! I hope it's to your liking. Thanks so much to my Beta-Reader ObsessionsGoToFar, with whos fanfiction name is also true with me? Read and review! I 3 My readers. :DDD