She didn't even know why she was here again, lying on her side, in his bed, facing the window that let in too much light, just so she wouldn't see his face. She had told herself that she wouldn't come back, no matter what he said. But she was weak, and so was he.
She chanced a glance at him. One glance, she thought, what could it hurt? But the instance she saw him, peacefully sleeping, she couldn't look away. He always had that effect on her, mesmerizing her to the point of fascination. But it had to stop. For both of their sakes.
She forced herself to turn over, away from the spell he had over her. Ok, more for her sake. She knew that she was the one getting the short end of the deal. He didn't have to deal with the sleepless nights, the pain of seeing him daily, having to endure the indifference she put up with. No, he was more than okay.
It wasn't meant to end up like this. Just friends, just sex, they had both said. But soon the lust filled nights they shared began to leak into her daytime thoughts, but not with just lust in mind. She had fallen for him, but how could she not? He was always there for her, to talk when there was no one else, to be the warm embrace at night that she longed for. He paid attention, he noticed…if only for a while. And she thought that maybe, just maybe, he could feel the same for her, let the obvious chemistry and connection that was between them grow into something whole and beautiful for both of them. But he shot it down instantly. And that was when she should have ended the whole thing. But she didn't. And so it went on.
But then, it had changed. A month and a half later, as she sat with the test in hand, the entire perspective had changed. Life. A connection that neither of them had expected or planned for. But she was consumed by the fear of telling him. He had made it clear he felt nothing for her. And his actions made it more than clear that a family was the last thing on his mind. So she hesitated, thinking she would tell him after her week of vacation, when she had thought it out, planned the words.
And then she miscarried. So there was no reason to tell him anything.
He shifted beside her, jolting her out of her thoughts. Once again, she glanced at him, lost in the face she had come to love with more than she could afford to give. As always, he didn't awake, giving her just that much longer to soak in the moment. She knew she would come back, she always did, whether she meant to or not. Because she couldn't stay away from the someone she loved so much, no matter what pain it put her through. Every time she looked at him, she saw the child that would have been. Maybe that was why she always came back.
So when he dropped her off at her apartment the next day, giving the usual generic goodbye and no promise of when he would see her next, she was more than ready to change everything, to forget somehow of the past months. She didn't think as she transfigured the names on her IDs, changed the numbers in her phone, cut off or destroyed every tie to him. She didn't let his name or face cross her mind as she packed everything, charming it to fit in her bag. She didn't let herself argue out of it as she found the first apartment for rent on the other side of town from him, moving in quickly and getting her new life ready. And most of all, she didn't let herself think of the future that could have been, that she was trying to forget. Instead, after lining up every single aspect of what she would need to start over, she let herself imagine how wonderful it would be to be able to start over, to get a chance at a life without pain, without the consequences of decisions that should have never been made in the corners of her mind. She only let herself think of what she would want to forget as night crept over the world, the moment when it was hardest for her. Then she picked up her wand, touched it softly to her temple, took a shaky breath and whispered one word.
Obliviate.