Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Death Note, because if I did, then it would have ended a whole lot differently... And I also don't own the song "My Immortal". Credit goes Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata, and Evanescence respectively.
Author's note: Right. Well, I was listening to "My Immortal" during a car trip somewhere, and realised that it was screaming, "Write an abuse Matt/Mello fic to me!" So I did. If you haven't listened to the song, then I suggest you do before you read this, while you're reading this (: It's a really pretty/depressing song. The lyrics are the italicitized line before the paragraph.
I wanted the fic to not have an actual plot, but for it to be more like snippets of their life. The first section is where Mello hits Matt, but it's not really that bad. The second section is when it's pretty bad, but it can get worse. Then after the second bit of chorus is the third section; which is where everything's horrible, and it's at it's worst. I hope you can follow my explanation! (:
Also, please, please review. I love reviews~ (: They inspire me to write more (:
~Rainbow Fruit Loop.
~I Just Want to Hold Your Hand~
"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears,"
It hurt when you first hit me, Mels. Not just physically, but emotionally. I couldn't believe it. I was so tired of letting you treat me like crap – yelling at me, swearing at me, telling me that you hated me – but you'd never hit me before. But then you did, and I thought that I would leave you, but I was too scared. I was too scared of what the world would do to me. I was too scared to be alone.
"And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave,"
When you'd scream, "I'm going to fucking leave you!", sometimes I wished that you would just go. Because – although I still loved you with all of my heart – I didn't think that I could cope with everything. If you left, then I thought that I could get on with my life. I thought that I could forgive and forget.
And then you finally left.
"Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone."
I don't know why I thought that it would be easier if you left. Because every time I closed my eyes, I could see your face. Every time I listened, I could hear your voice. Even when you were gone, I couldn't get you out of my mind.
"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real,"
The wounds you left behind when you left me didn't seem to heal – every time I thought I was getting over you, I'd notice something that would remind me of you. A flash of shining golden-blonde hair in a crowd, the smell of chocolate lingering in the air… The pain was just too strong; it overwhelmed me, it made me weak.
"There's just too much that time cannot erase."
Because even though you hit me that one time, and then again, and then again, and then again, and it felt like my world was going to shatter, I still had all of these happy memories of us together. Memories where you had held my hand, where you had kissed me gently in the rain, where you had smiled up at me through those long, dark eyelashes of yours. No period of time could erase all of that.
But then, one day, you came back, and I thought everything would be alright, because you said that you were sorry, and you promised to never hit me again. I believed you, because I had no choice.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,"
But it wasn't long before you started hitting me again. But then, after I was black and blue, and trembling all over, you'd start crying because you'd broken your promise. You would cling to me with shaking arms, and beg for forgiveness, and it was all I could do to wipe away your tears, kiss your nose, and tell you that I forgave you, because I loved you.
"When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears,"
When you had nightmares about what you could do to me, you'd wake up screaming. I'd comfort you – even though, I too, was terrified - and tell you that you weren't evil, and that you'd never be able to kill me. Telling you all this used to make my blood run cold; if you were already dreaming about my lifeless, beaten, broken body, then it was only so long before you snapped.
"And I held your hand through all of these years,"
Even when you hit me, I was always there for you. I held your hand when things were good; I'd hold your hand whenever you let me. I stayed by you, even though my mind was telling me that things would only get worse.
"But you still have all of me."
I was still with you; I was still yours.
"You used to captivate me by your resonating light,"
When we first met, I was overwhelmed by your flirty confidence, and your stunning beauty. It was like you had a special kind of glow that made me want to get closer and closer and closer until there was no space left between us. You captivated me. I guess it turns out that getting close to you was a mistake.
"Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind,"
I felt as though I was trapped; bound to a life I didn't want. I was terrified of you, Mels, but I couldn't leave you, because sometimes, just sometimes, you'd smile that heart-melting, adorable smile that you smiled when we first met. And that smile reminded me that the person I had fallen in love with was still there, buried underneath the violent, hating, cruel person you had turned into.
"Your face; it haunts my once pleasant dreams,"
When we first met, I used to dream about you. My dreams were always soft, gentle, romantic – you were always smiling – and I always woke up feeling warm. But then I started to dream about you differently; your face bitter and snarling – your lips turned upwards into that evil smirk that I was so very used to. Those dreams scared me, and I always awoke with my heart pounding, drenched in sweat.
"Your voice; it chased away all the sanity in me."
I remember one day, you hurt me so badly that I was covered in bruises, and bleeding all over. You had knocked me out, and, when I awoke, I was absolutely terrified. That was the first time that I had ever been too afraid to move. But then you left the house after screeching how much you hated me, and my mind screamed at me to leave you. It was then that I realized that I couldn't live like this; I wasn't going to let you treat me like this anymore. I'm not sure how long it took, but I eventually picked my broken form up off the ground, and stumbled into the bathroom; ready to clean myself up so that I could run away from it all; run away from you.
Then I heard the door crash open, and I thought that you were back to kill me. But then you shouted my name, and you sounded so desperate, so guilty, so terrified. "Matty!" you shrieked. "Oh, God, Matty! Where are you? Are you here? Please don't say you've left! MATTY!" And I wanted to call out to you, tell you that I was here, that I hadn't gone, but I was too weak to speak. But then you came tearing into the bathroom - horrified tears glistening in your eyes – and you took me into your arms and kissed every single bruise, every single cut you could find with your trembling lips.
I didn't leave that night – your frantic, hysterical voice kept ringing out in my ears, and I realized that I couldn't do that to you. No matter how much you hurt me, I could never hurt you, because I still loved you too much.
"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real",
But, of course, the beatings didn't stop. It seemed as though the smallest things set you off – and there was nothing I could do to stop you. Every time you lashed out at me – be it physical or mental – I hurt more and more. The pain you kept inflicting on me started to wear me down; my wounds never had time to heal. And the gash in my heart just kept growing bigger and bigger. I didn't think that it could ever heal.
"There's just too much that time cannot erase."
I really wanted to forgive and forget about what you were doing to me, Mels, but there was just too much to forget. The sweet memories I had held onto with all of my might were slipping out of my grasp, and I soon forgot about who you used to be. All I could see was the cruel, hideous monster you had become. Time didn't erase your mistakes, but it cruelly erased the memories that I had wanted to keep to give myself a reason to stay.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,"
You used to cry because you hated me so much; you used to cry and punch me at the same time. When you'd finished abusing me, I'd hold you tight and let you sob into my chest, allowing you to relieve your feelings. You used to mumble "I hate you so fucking much," into my shirt as you cried, and it always confused me how you were the one crying when I was the one bleeding.
"When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears,"
You soon started screaming about how much you hated me, and it broke my heart. You'd throw things at me, and screech about how much of a loser and a freak I was – how I was good for nothing, and that nobody would ever love me. I tried to tell you that you used to love me, but you just spat at me. But then I'd tell you that I was sorry for whatever I had allegedly done, and that I knew that I was a waste of space, and that you had every right to hate me. I knew in my heart that my words were wrong, but it was the only thing that I could say that would stop you from screaming.
"And I held your hand through all of these years,"
But I didn't let go of you, because there was still this tiny part of me which told me that you could still change - that I could change you - that you could get over your anger issues, and that we could love each other like we had before things had gotten out of control. You didn't use to let me hold your hand that much those days, but sometimes when you were sleeping, I'd hold your hand and thread my fingers through yours, close my eyes, and pretend that I was happy.
I still don't know why I stayed, though, because I'd been honestly afraid for my life more times than I could remember.
"But you still have all of me."
I was still with you; I was still yours. Because maybe, just maybe, it was possible that I could smile again.
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,"
It's only now that I fully understand what's happening. It's been five years since that first day you hit me, and I've suddenly realized that the person that I fell in love with – Mihael Keehl, the sweet, blonde haired boy with the piercing blue eyes and the cheeky grin – isn't going to come back, no matter how hard I try. You're Mello now, and you're tough, ruthless, scarred and unsmiling. If you've gone, Mihael, then why am I still sticking around?
"But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."
Even though the gorgeous body of the man I loved is still with me, I'm alone. I should have escaped that day when I had the chance, but I didn't. I was too scared of being alone, but, really, I've been alone for a lot longer than I thought.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,"
I still try to wipe away your tears when you cry, but you just hit me again and again and again, and tell me how useless I am. I beg you to forgive me, and to stop pounding me into the ground, but you say that I deserve it for daring to touch you.
"When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears,"
You scream now because you don't know how you could have been so stupid. You screech at me and tell me that I've ruined your life, and that it's my fault that you're scarred, that you're angry all the time, and that you've changed. It's been so long now since I've been anywhere near happy, and so I've started to believe you. It is my fault, and I deserve everything that you do to my body.
"And I held your hand through all of these years,"
But I'm still here with you, and I have no idea why. If I told you that I was leaving you, then I know that you would beat me, and hit me, and kick me, and bite me, and torture me until I was too exhausted to carry on living. But I'm not afraid of death anymore, because I'm sure that even Hell can't be as bad as this.
But all I've ever wanted is to hold your hand and feel safe.
"But you still have all of me, me, me."
I am still with you; I am still yours. Because I think that I'm too weak to leave now.