CPOV

How is it possible to hate yourself so much?

I don't know when it started, but I've been hating myself more and more lately.

I stared in the mirror at myself and saw the shell of a person I used to be.

My once vibrant red hair was now hanging limply to my head while my once lively green eyes were dull staring back at me.

My once normal frame was now too skinny.

I clutched the sink of the schools bathroom and rocked back and forth over it.

I was beginning to lose my goddamn mind.

Aline Penhallow walked into the bathroom closely followed by her posse.

"Look it's the social freak." Aline sneered while her group began laughing at me.

For a moment I just stared at them blankly and then ran out of the bathroom.

With my luck though I only ran into Aline's boyfriend Jace.

After running into him I stumbled backwards, but didn't fall.

He didn't make a move to try and help me either.

Jace just stared at me and I stared back at him.

He the only popular person who wasn't completely cruel to me, and I appreciated that; however, that doesn't mean that he stopped anyone else from being mean to me.

As we stood there I heard the door to the bathroom open and then Aline's voice filled my ears once more.

"Keep your hands off my boyfriend you whore. God, why don't you just do us all a favor and go kill yourself?" She sneered at me.

I could feel the before tears in my throat and I just stared at Aline who had her arms wrapped around Jace's waist possessively.

Jace's face remained emotionless as Aline began kissing him along the jaw.

"What are you standing there for slut?" Aline snapped at me turning her attention towards me.

"I-" I didn't even get a chance to defend myself before she began talking again.

"Go away, whore, this guy is taken?" She turned her gaze back towards Jace.

He looked at me with a sympathetic look, but made no move to help me.

As tears started pricking my eyes I backed away slowly before turning around and running to the courtyard where my supposed friends would be waiting for me at lunch.

I felt empty as I ran through the halls of the school bumping into the few people who were in the hall.

Ecstatic that I had nearly reached the courtyard with no further incident I slowed down my speed.

All of a sudden I was on the floor and my head was spinning.

I was lying flat on my stomach in a daze when I heard laughing.

"Look at the little bitch," Sebastian laughed out, "She fell."

His friends who were in the hall began laughing with him as I tried to re-orient myself.

It wasn't working because everything was still spinning.

"Look at her she looks like a stoner!" One of them yelled.

"All the drugs finally get to you?" Another one chorused.

"Fat bitch can't even get off the floor." Another sneered at me.

Finally I was able to pull myself up.

I had a killer headache and my balance was off.

My knees were stinging and I couldn't tell which way I was going.

Stumbling a little I tried to make it the rest of the way to the courtyard.

"We aren't done with you yet." Sebastian growled shoving me backwards so I landed on my back.

His friends laughed and they made a circle around me.

I stood up again when another wave of dizziness hit me and I stumbled to the left clutching my head.

I braced myself for the impact of the fall, but was met with a pair of hands shoving me back into the center of the circle.

"Can you not even support yourself?" Somebody snickered.

Finally I was able to stand up straight which did absolutely nothing to help me.

Now I was surrounded by the football team as they all stared menacingly at me.

Trying to break through them would be pointless and a death wish, but would death be so bad right now?

Aline's words rang through my head.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

I stood hopelessly and helplessly in the center of them and waited for whatever they had planned for me next.

To my surprise I heard a voice call out, "Leave her alone. Picking a fight twelve to one isn't very cool."

Sebastian's group broke away from me and I saw Jace standing there glaring at them all.

As they departed he walked past me.

"Thank you." I whispered quietly as he continued walking.

He didn't say anything, just silently nodded his head as he continued by.

With my head still reeling I walked out to the courtyard to go sit with Isabelle and Simon.

When I sat down they ignored me and continued to talk.

Nobody paid any attention to me as I silently sat at the table doing nothing.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to face Seelie Queen.

A few people were watching us and I could feel my cheeks beginning to flush.

"Clary?" Seelie asked brightly.

"Hmm?" I hummed in response bighting my lower lip nervously.

"You know anorexia isn't going to change who you are don't you? You'll always be a fat ugly whore so why don't you stop trying to deny it?" She looked smugly at me while other people in the courtyard began laughing.

"Aline was right you know, you should just do us a favor and go kill yourself."

There were those words again.

They rang through my ears on repeat and I wondered if it would ever end.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

The next day when I went out to lunch Isabell turned to me instead of how she usually ignored me.

"Clary?" She asked sweetly.

"Yes?" I answered her hesitantly.

"You know I love you right?"

I nodded my head wondering where she was going.

"Well, Simon and I can't have you sitting with us anymore. You're ruining my reputation Clare." Izzy said quietly.

Simon didn't speak up for me.

I had known Simon forever, but here he was taking his girlfriend's side over mine.

I nodded my head mutely and stood up numbly to leave.

As I walked back inside the school people started throwing things at me. Calling me names and all sorts of horrible things.

Walking to my locker I let the numbness take over my body.

I was past the point of tears as I walked down the deserted halls.

All of a sudden a pair of hands were wrapped around my waste.

Raphael was standing very close behind me.

I closed my eyes and slowed down my breathing in attempt to slow my racing heart, but it was to no avail.

"Sebastian told me that if I gave you ten bucks you'd give me the time of my life?" Raphael whispered in what was supposed to be a seductive manner as his hands crept lower down my waist.

"Get off of me!" I snapped out.

Raphael ignored me and began kissing down my neck as his hands continued to travel lower.

Tears began to prick at my eyes as I thrashed around in his arms.

"Get the fuck off me." I said desperately while still struggling in his grip.

"I like them feisty." He murmured in my ear.

I elbowed him in the neck.

He let go of me and began clutching at his throat.

"You little bitch!" He yelled at me.

He walked closer to me and before I knew what was happening he slapped me and my head snapped in the other direction as I staggered and fell over.

Raphael walked up to me and kicked me before leaving me on the floor.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

I heard those words ringing again in my head.

All I felt on the inside was empty. My head was foggy and I felt numb to everything.

I felt unwanted and unloved. Nobody wanted me around so why I should I be here? What was the point in living if nobody wanted you?

Slowly I pulled myself up off the ground and stood to head back to my locker.

I was completely alone. Nobody would ever love me or want me around.

Nobody would ever want anything to do with someone like me anyways.

Leaning against the wall now I slid down it into a sitting position.

Why should I continue to try when people just wanted me dead?

"How was your day?" Jonathon asked me when I got home.

"Fine." I replied monotonously heading to my bedroom.

Jon got up off the couch and followed me.

"Mom's bringing Luke home tonight, so make sure you look presentable." Jon said while he followed me.

"Whatever." I answered.

There would be no need to try and look presentable tonight.

Numbly I walked back to my room and shut the door leaving it unlocked behind me.

I didn't feel anything as I sat on my bed and looked around my room.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

Everybody wanted me dead.

Mom couldn't care less whether I was around or not.

It's not like she was ever home. She was always out with her boyfriend Luke.

Jonathon was hardly ever home either.

It would still hurt them. A tiny voice in my head called out.

Shaking my head I stood up.

Never would I be good enough for anyone.

I would always be a fat, ugly, whore. That's all people in school thought of me as.

How would they feel knowing I died a virgin?

Pulling out my sketchbook I wrote a small letter and left my sketchbook open on the desk.

Slowly walking out of my room I saw Jon still on the couch.

"I'm going out." I told him quietly.

"Be home soon." Was the only response I got from him.

Not wanting him to see the tears that were surely about to fall I walked over to him and gave him a small hug and kiss on the cheek.

He returned my hug and then let me go his attention remaining on the television show he was watching.

I made my way quietly out of the apartment.

Nobody noticed me as I walked down the streets.

Inside I felt like a mess.

The words everyone said to me slamming around inside my skull demanding I pay attention, but one phrase stood out among the rest.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

I walked over to the bridge that was by my house that crossed the river.

Standing there I watched as people drove by not a single one of them giving me a second thought.

Unsure of how long I'd been standing there I swung one leg over the bridge and then the other.

I kept my hands gripped tight to the railing and leaned out as far as my arms would let me.

The wind was blowing and it felt good outside.

At least now I'll know that my last day was a good day.

I looked behind me one last time to see the people driving across the bridge caring only about themselves.

Taking a deep breath I thought one last time.

Up until this point I'd been a wreck inside, but now all I felt was calm.

I closed my eyes reveling in the feel of the wind blowing against my face letting the peacefulness take over me.

This is what everyone wanted from me.

Why don't you do us a favor and just go kill yourself.

I hope you're all happy when I'm gone. I thought bitterly taking in my last breath of air.

With no more thought I stepped off feeling the most at peace I had in a while.

JONATHONPOV

I stayed in my seat sitting in shock.

We'd gotten the call two hours ago.

Mom was sitting in the kitchen bawling while Luke sat in there trying to calm her down.

How had I not noticed?

I'm so oblivious!

Feeling restless I stood up and went to Clary's room.

On her desk was her sketchbook laying open with writing on one page.

Looking at it felt like I was invading her privacy, but now she wasn't here to reprimand me for looking in it.

And if she had planned on killing herself surely she would have kept this closed so we wouldn't look in it at least.

Hesitantly I sat down at her desk and read her letter. It was meant for me to read.

Dear Jon,

I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I could fight this, but it's too much to handle. The pain I'm feeling is too great.

Maybe I could have done it had I had my friends, but I was ruining their reputations and I had to leave so they could stay cool.

I couldn't stand being harassed every day. Everybody told me that we'd all be better off if I was dead. I hope they were right because I couldn't fight this battle anymore. I lost. They won. I hope they're happy.

Nobody noticed how much pain I was in. Nobody cared enough to notice me. I was always just there never really mattering to anyone.

If anybody would so much as smile at me I'd change my mind, but since you're reading this I guess you can tell nobody so much as smiled at me, huh?

I love you Jon.

I love mom.

I'm sure Luke is a great person.

I hope you have a good life, Jon.

Love,

Clary.

Tears were falling down my face as I re-read her letter .

I hadn't smiled at her when she left. I couldn't have cared less when she had left.

I could have saved my baby sisters life, but I didn't.

How could we not have noticed that she was in so much pain?

Setting down her sketchbook I rested my head in my hands.

Her friends turned her away and mom and I were always gone.

Clary didn't have anyone to talk to, and now she's gone.

She'll never get to have a family or become a famous artist.

All because she'd been in too much pain to find the good in life.

The tears continued their trail down my face wetting Clary's sketchbook where they fell.

I love you too, Clary.

I love you too.

Bullying's not cool and it can cause bad things to happen. Don't be the reason why somebody else is feeling pain. It's a terrible thing.