My whole life I've been told that I am worth it, I am beautiful and I am enough and I used to believe it, but now I just can't. I wish I could believe my friends and family when they tell me that I am enough but I just can't. Maybe it is a lifetime of self loathing or starving myself, I'm not sure but its all taken a turn for the worst in the last few weeks. I wish I could simply blame it on him; yeah it would be easier if it was all his fault but it isn't, its mine and the girl's fault. Everything was going fine y'know we were all getting on fine, until Ashley posted that photo of her practically fucking making out with Chris, that's when this started. I couldn't just let it go, Ashley of all people should have known how much a photo like that would have hurt me, she was the one who was there for me when he cheated on me and dumped me for someone younger, hotter. She was the one who told me that there was someone else out there for me, someone who deserved me, but nope apparently our friendship meant fuck all to her, her hooking up with him was much more important. I guess you could say I over reacted, but I don't see it that way, I asked her face to face what happened, nicely just because I was curious not accusing her of anything but she took it the wrong way and started flipping out. Then the rumors started, you could literally not even walk 10 meters on set without hearing one "oh did you hear Lucy is hooking up with Chris again" "oh did you know that Lucy is anorexic" "oh did you hear that Lucy only got this part by sleeping to the top" they went on and on, I heard them everywhere I went. The only friend I had on set was the show costume designer Mandy, she made sure that I knew what people were saying, and also was the only one who was thinking of me and looking out for me and that was comforting, well at first. I mean I knew the other girls were against me, Ashley obviously and where there was Ashley there was Shay, and Troian was too close with them to argue with them, and Sasha just went with the other girls where ever they went. And I mean I felt like Janel, Tyler, Keegan and Brant were all on Ashley's 'side' as it was. I felt like I was in high school again, and that was something that I didn't want to relive. Holly, Laura, Chad and all the older cast members seemed to stay out of it but even Holly was distancing herself from me. And then there was Ian, way back in the early days before all the drama started Ian had promised me that no matter what happened he would always be there for me, he would always take my side that he would always be there to protect me and stand up for me, well that lasted a long time didn't it, barely 4 seasons in, drama starts up and all of a sudden Ian is gone, impartial, too focused on his own personal relationship than any of his friends or the people he said he would be there for and would support. I've always heard stories from my friends about people who devote the entirety of their being to a relationship and well originally I didn't believe them, then I experienced the betrayal from Ian.
Growing up you always think that your best friend will be your best friend forever and I have found that just because you think that doesn't mean it is true, however I just waited till later in life to find out. Anyway moving on, I found this betrayal the worst, as I mean not only was Ian my best friend, he was the one I loved. Wow I've never said it out loud like that, just so bluntly but it feels good to get it out. You know what sucks, I always pick the wrong guy, the guy I want always has a girlfriend or just isn't interested. But it wasn't always that was, Ian and I had always had a flirty relationship, you know we were always with each other. He was my best friend, we were inseparable but then Sophia occurred and that's when things changed drastically. Ian and Sophia started dating just before season 3 started filming and literally right away I could feel Ian pulling away from me. And I mean that was okay he was in a relationship now and he had to be careful but I didn't expect him to pull away from me completely. Nor did I expect him to side with Ashley on something like this. Life on set is miserable, I have no one and I really don't get what I did. I feel like Shay wants to talk to me, like she isn't as with Ashley as it appears but it is impossible to have even a second with her on set as Ashley is everywhere yet no where at the same time. We're about half way through the fifth season at the moment with more episodes to go that we've done, so I'm not getting out of this just yet. I also just found out that my contract goes till the end of the sixth season, and Marlene won't kill me off, so I guess I'm stuck here, although Marlene has said she will try to keep my scenes with Ian to the minimum they can be. Its so hard, and the fans are starting to notice as well as the media, like yes I'm busy with my music and stuff but I haven't posted a photo of me with anyone (apart from Mandy) since almost 6 months ago and its literally the most asked question in interviews for all of us, but we're on strict instructions from Marlene to just say "we're all still close" or "Lucy is busy with her music that's why we don't hang out but we're still friends, as close as ever" it is awful, I hate how easily Ashley lies like that.
This day on set has been going on for so long, I can't deal with it anymore. I need a release, so in between takes I rush back to my trailer, thank goodness its 'winter' on the show so I'm in long sleeves and longer skirts with tights. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief, and a wave of calmness rushes through me as the blade digs into my wrist, when I hear the door of the trailer open