Hibari's moody diary:
He's able to break a promise just after the first day it has been made. And I can't do a thing about it. My place allows me to stay behind, question nothing and never, yes never, nag. I can't be at ease by showing him my feelings, there's no release, no sated heart, because he doesn't understand. He's too young? He's too guarded? There's a world of difference in between us. The soul obsession of my life is to tame the people I hold dear most, in whom I see the light that they can treasure me till the end. He has the light, yet he's so incomplete. What does he need? Why is there an incompleteness? If it is true that I am 'the one' sent to fill his emptiness, then why, where, and how have I completed my mission? I'm only making him worse than he already was. What did I do to him? What did I do to 'them'? Why am I always being accused? Why is it always my crime?
I called him so many times, so many days, putting up with so many dry gulps and heart-retching sighs. Why? Why was his cellphone switched off all day? Because I asked him to buy me a pair of headphones and he didn't have the money? No. This is not what I think. This is never what I think. But he'll be quiet and nod at whichever guess I throw at him. He doesn't want to explain because he says I will believe only what I've assumed to be right. I will try to explain myself, but he won't listen, cause it was worthless, he'll say. What was worthless? You? Me? Us? Does he regret having me?
I'm waiting outside his house in the afternoon, obediently standing by his front gate and looking out for him to either come out from or return home. I stopped getting angry at the minutes he will waste before we were supposed to meet. I'm always on time and he's never, but today was different because he doesn't know I'm here. I can't let him know I'm here since his phone is off. A lonely sigh escape my lips, eyeing the door. I won't go home yet because I want to see him.
The scattering leaves attack me as the wind suddenly began to blow fiercely. I look away from the sand storm and hide my eyes. I was glad the sun lost dominance to the pre-rainy coolness, now my shirt won't be sticking to my skin when Mukuro finds me sometime later. Dry sand blinds me as I struggle not to pull up my shirt and rub my violated eyes. There were people fleeing from the sand and though it was unlikely that they catch a glimpse of my skin, I don't want that.
It's embarassing when he stares at my lips for too long, also when he notices my every movements. Embarassment combined with heavy breathing ensues at being paid attention to so much. He has spoiled me with that. I miss it now. I have become unbeautiful to him. I feel worthless to the rest of the world too. It's nothing else if not him.
We made a promise. We made ten of them. If he doesn't pick up a fight with a serial killer, I won't either. If he doesn't mock a mafia boss just to get his name on their hit-list, I swore I'll never either. It wasn't worth taking risk when there was no real purpose other than just pride and cockiness. It wasn't worth it if 'he' wasn't the purpose. My one little wish was to help him overcome whatever trouble he was going through, if only he will let me inside that low, cold ground of his heart.
He should know, I have known, that I am his one. I am who fixes him. Then why haven't you come to me ever?
Sweat on my skin has dried, the wind's cold tongue was teasing me now. I pensively watch the drifting clouds over the purple sky... I will wait...I can't take my eyes away. Too pleasant, the shade it gives, shielding from burning rays and space people. Someone murmurs and I look down. He comes closer, eyes of abnormal colors filled with natural surprise calling my name and coming towards me. In a street of passing humans, towering bricks and flying leaves, I was his only concern.
"How long have you been here?" He asked, one arm on the wall behind me, his sleeve brushing against my shoulder. Nothing moved, not my mouth or my eyes. "How long, Hibari?" He asked again gently. I was sucking the air around his gaze. His face was fairly fresh which I guessed was because he has stayed home all day, assuring me that he was rather sitting home like a good boy other than fooling outside with somebody else. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Mukuro insisted feeling my shoulder. He has switched to question no 2.
"Your cellphone is off." I spoke with hard edge, rejecting eye contact.
"Yeah," with indifference in tone he gave a somewhat innocent apology. "I told you not to come if I don't confirm beforehand. What if I never came out? What if you had to stand here all night?" His ragged emotions were weak, struggling flame trying to project towards me with failure. He can't muster more rage than that. I chuckle silently. I liked to watch him suffer for me.
I kept my gaze down, mouth shut like a mute all the while enjoying being caught in a windy street with the man who was my whole world. My feeling must have shown on my face cause he was smiling now. My ever-stoned face was soft from happiness now-a-days. It didn't bother me that I was delaying college year again so I could wander the streets, concurring it while sometimes or disturbingly most of the times, nonchalantly patrolling the areas that he hung out. What have I become? A man who relished happiness secretly, hiding a feeling that glowed so clearly on his face that his lover never failed to catch. I forgive him.
Last night on that bridge where the cherry blossoms had just bloomed, I vowed to not get mad at him for small reasons in exchange for him vowing to always keep his phone on nomatter what. For I can't explain how much it hurts when I can't find him. I want him near me, always smelling of me, looking out for me when I'm lost and confused. Why do you hide? Is it me?
"I was sleeping. I couldn't wake up, so I couldn't re-charge the battery. I'm so sorry..." Mukuro's smooth knowing voice pulled me out of my world to the one I wanted to belong. I was looking at his beautiful face once again, my expression giving away everything. He was always sorry and I always blamed it on his zodiac. He knows in advance that he'll be sorry because he'll do something that I will make him feel sorry for, and he's so used to the idea that everything he does is aweful and annoying and infuriating, he says sorry anyway after 'hi'. Very soon I've learned that giving away and letting go was the most suitable solution against all the rest of the romance strategies, so now I don't complain anymore.
We started walking, the sand storm was behind us, his ultra-thin rat-tail swinging, mysteriously his mouth was curved in an adorable smile. I think about kissing him a lot but conditions were applied to this simple act. We have agreed to take a break ever since arguments, misunderstandings, mistrust and frequent physical fights took an ugly turn, ultimately driving us both nuts. Mistrust, because he doesn't want to tell me everything but I want to know everything. Arguments, because none of us believe eachother. Hurting physically, because we will rather make the other bleed than suffer within. When we suffer, we don't wanna know how the other's doing, so when we suffer we are all by ourselves.
"What are you smirking about?" I ask him, managing to look unimpressed.
Hands in his pockets, he asks back, "Why are you here honestly?"
I felt insulted but he didn't mean what I thought he wanted to mean, and that was the truth. But no one insults me. Even if it's him. Still it made me think, maybe he doesn't want me here. He has something to do now so he wants me to go home.
"I should go."
"Ok." He said casually. Casually..after all my attempts and resolves to wait for him till the darkest of hours so we can spend a little time together, so we can make it right somehow for everything that went wrong, thinking maybe spending time will solve everything. I refrained from turning my back to him and walking straight to my car. I also held back from holding his hand and begging him to let me stay, I remained a statue. I let him decide. "I'll show you to your car," he said.
Truth to be told, he broke my heart countless times, the pain of it felt like it has been there for million of years and he keeps awakening it over and over again. "Are you upset because I came without telling you?" I murmur. No answer. Yes, he doesn't like me standing like this for him. He doesn't like me waiting for hours infront of his place, all alone, unsafe. Now he's punishing me by pushing me away.
I won't beg. I won't act on impulse. He registered the definite cringe on my forehead but his eyes were on the road on look out for my car. He assisted in opening the back door. As I went in, I silently prayed he get in too. Then the door closed, and it was just me.
"Drive home, sir?" The chauffer waited in patience for my command.
"Hmm," as I groaned my eyes were set on the knuckles on my lap. The soundless wave of Mukuro's hands appeared hazy, photoshopped, fake on the closed window.
I was shoved away carefully, the reason whether being his job or him getting bored with me or something else I can't think of at the time, I just felt one familiar realization in the geometric center point of my heart - abandonment. Abandonment.. Gradually, it was meant to happen since it always happened, the scent began to fill my nostrils. The scent of the one who has made me experience abandonment before for the first time. I felt the rampant molecules inside me due to uncontrolled emotions and something wanting to come out. I held my breath.
Is it the stranger's scent circulating within me that bothers him? Don't tell me he thinks he's incapable of coloring my heart again over that man's paint..
More drop in temperature.
But that man is gone, Mukuro. Dino never chose me..