Slip into your skin and spend the night
And get out of mine
Walking the streets in dark
Where the lamps are the sunshine
For the dreams
Oh, for the dreams
There they lay, two people who were the very definition of the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'. Lying next to each other, bodies craving some semblance of touch from the other's fingers. It was rather poetic in a way - both knowing the truth and yet too scared to admit it and even more terrified to act on it. So they stay blessed in their own imposed ignorance, that isn't really ignorance at all. A cough to cover a sigh and fluttering eyelids with dramatic yawns to disguise lust filled looks. Small, forced, smiles when eye meets eye and blue and green collide in a pathetic attempt at normalcy because god forbid that anything should change; that anything should disrupt the rut of their lives.
Everybody needs somebody to hold them down, they were no different. They just preferred to think they could do all of the holding from a safe distance, with merely a finger placed on a shoulder. After all, Alex and Piper had been friends for a very long time so why, all of a sudden, should they act on those long gestating feelings and desires that bubbled to the surface each time they were both in the same room. It wasn't as if they were oblivious to what they felt towards the other, rather that they just chose to ignore it; it was safer that way. There would be no confusion about where they stand and there would be no risks because what if it didn't work out? What if they ended up hating each other? What if, what if, what if. There was a never-ending list of them all. Each one calculated and thought out, every single possibility well considered and devised in times such as these when each one was recalled to memory in turn as a reminder of why they didn't act on these feelings. Why they couldn't act on them.
"Don't you know it's rude to stare?" Alex is the first to break the silence.
Piper doesn't look away but feels the familiar heat in her cheeks, hidden by the darkness. "I was never good when it came to social etiquette." She quips in response.
"Your mother must hate you."
"Vehemently."
Alex chuckles, the sound shaking the bed they lay on and turns to look at Piper, squinting in the dark. "I'm sure there are plenty of other things she could be more disappointed in you for."
Piper arches a brow, as if challenging Alex to continue. "Oh yeah? Like what?"
And there it is, that flicker of doubt that douses Alex's flirtatious banter as if it were nothing more than a mere match, the same way it always does and Piper feels the familiar sensation of disappointment and confusion surge through her and they both fall silent and sigh heavily, turning away from each other as they both go through their ever growing lists of why.
"Why are you here?" It's Piper who breaks the silence this time and she can feel the bed shift as Alex moves to look at her.
"What?"
"Why are you here?" Piper repeats, slower this time, as if trying to explain something to a child.
"Because you asked me to be." Alex's voice is quiet, unsure, so unlike Alex.
Piper turns to look at Alex, pale features lit in the dim light that filters through her bedroom window. She looks tired, dishevelled, nervous but most of all; sad. Piper wonders how much longer they'll be able to run around each other in circles before one of them falls down, exhausted from all of the games. She wonders if Alex would keep running if she fell. "We shouldn't be doing this." Piper murmurs, sliding further down into the covers.
"We're not doing anything." Alex sighs; she's growing impatient, frustrated. "Why don't you say what you really mean."
Maybe it's not the best idea to have this conversation now, when Piper is too distracted by the warmth of Alex's body next to her own and the way the light shines over her perfect skin like she was made out of marble. When green eyes are locked into blue and the two meet like an angry sea, when it's 4am and they haven't had any sleep. When the list of 'Why' seems more and more irrational and less well-thought. "I'm confused by you." Piper is running again, looking behind her to see if Alex can keep up.
Alex smirks, although something about the action seems ungenuine. "I'm confused by me too. I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong."
Piper decides Alex is running too, but she doesn't have the energy to decipher Alex's words the usual way. "That's the biggest understatement of the century." She smiles, watching Alex.
Alex shrugs, the smirk now gone. "I'm a fuck up."
Piper frowns and wriggles closer. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For this."
That seems to say it all because Alex doesn't respond and Piper can't bring herself to meet her eye anymore. After all, it was Piper who had started the running game, she had never wanted to admit to Alex that she felt anything more than what she was meant to. That she wasn't upset for Alex when she had told her that she and Sylvia had broken up and she was even less upset when Sylvia found herself a new girlfriend, because they were just friends. That's what they had always been. Even if Alex did look at her like that and they had conversations and jokes that just-friends wouldn't. That Piper asked Alex to stay over more often than she should and that her insistence that Alex sleep in the bed rather than the couch wasn't just because 'she was the guest' but rather because Piper liked waking up to her and the way she felt more complete with her there.
"You don't have to apologise." Alex finally replies, her voice quiet and small once more, inflicting a pang of guilt that surfaced onto Piper's expression.
"I do, I know that I'm just making it harder for us..."
Alex laughs humourlessly and shakes her head, sitting up now. "You're really confusing, you know that right?" She sighs loudly and moves over so that she's sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to Piper. "You say one thing and then act the complete other way, I don't think I can keep doing this - you need to decide what it is that you want from me."
Piper watches Alex, eyes tracing over the figure of her back in the dim light. They've never taken the conversation this far before, Alex would normally make a joke about it in her usual way and so they would go back to pretending that everything was normal and the same as it had always been. Suddenly, Piper feels like the little girl who struggled to find the courage to tell her mother her father was cheating on her again. Alex doesn't turn back to look at her, apparently unperturbed by Piper's silence to her demands. "Alex..."
"Don't. Seriously, just don't."
Alex stands and pads silently out of the room, taking all of the warmth with her. Piper sits up, staring around the room that seems a little less bright now that Alex has walked out of it. She tries to ignore what that could mean. Only a moment later Alex returns, lingering in the doorway; her face illuminated by the hallway light behind her.
"What are you so afraid of, Piper?"
And it's a loaded question, isn't it? There are so many things, Piper realises, that she is absolutely terrified of; but none more than the possibility of losing Alex. Her one constant, her safe place. So, Piper looks at Alex, expression heavily burdened with all of the whys and Alex can't help but sigh because she knows. Still, undeterred by Piper's everlasting silence, Alex inches closer slowly, as if afraid Piper might run if she moves too fast.
"I'll tell you what I'm afraid of..." She begins, feet padding a little heavier as she descends further into the room, slinking into the darkness. "I'm afraid of you."
Piper frowns, opens her mouth to protest and then closes it sharply. "I don't want you to be." She says instead, voice quiet and soft.
Alex is almost by Piper's side of the bed now, looming over her, encased by the shadow so that Piper has to squint to make out her face.
"But I am," Alex continues. "I'm afraid of you because you have so much power over me and you don't even fucking realise it."
Piper stares at Alex, towering over her, face encased by the shadow of her room. She wonders if Alex knows that she has the same kind of power over her, that they're both struggling so hard to resist against the same thing for no accountable or foolproof reason as to why. Why exactly were they refusing each other this small bit of happiness that they had found, tucked away in the corners of Alex's tiny box room. Their reasons of 'why', their endless lists, were nothing but mere excuses; scapegoats that they could rely on when things got too real. They were the coward's way out.
Piper sits up suddenly causing Alex to stagger back slightly. They're both watching the other warily, waiting for the next move.
Tenderly, Piper reaches out, slender fingers wrapping around Alex's wrist to tug her closer. At first, Alex resists, stumbling forward stubbornly before she gives in and takes the last few easy steps. "I'm done, I'm not going to play this game with you anymore Alex."
Alex frowns, eyes locked onto Piper's.
"It's all or nothing," Piper continues, crawling onto her knees until she was almost level with Alex. "And I'm all in."
Somewhere behind them, Alex's backpack falls off of the chair she had so carelessly flung it on earlier, slumping down onto the wooden floor. Alex think it all to be a rather strange yet beautiful metaphor as she ducks her head, hands breaking free from Piper's grasp to cup the blonde's cheeks; pulling her closer till their lips met and the world seemed suddenly so much more hopeful and bright than a moment ago.
In that mere moment, both Piper and Alex had spontaneously created new lists, substantially longer than the last. Full of endless reasons as to why this was meant to be happening. Why this was the right thing to do. Why it was inevitable all along.
Put your words into the fire,
Watch them burn your heart's desire.
Rise up in the air
In a cloud of silk and smoke and dust.
Fade into the night;
It's a comforting feeling with you at my side.
AN: Had this in my Doc Manager for a while so thought I would finally post it. Lyrics are from Patrick Watson who is a beautiful creature who creates even more beautiful songs. Enjoy the fluffyness (kinda). Working on something big for the Vauseman fandom, probably a multi-chapter that I will actually finish so, stay tuned?