Author's Note: Welcome, welcome! This is my very first attempt at writing a multi-chapter Card Captor Sakura fanfiction in first person view, so I hope it won't disappoint. I admit now that chapters may come very slowly, as studies and other insanities will take shotgun before this story. However, I've got a plan out already, so fear not, it will be finished someday!

Warnings: Gore, blood. Not for the faint of heart!

Please read, rate and review. Any and all comments will be greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of CardCaptor Sakura. Or Trauma Center.

The Butterfly Effect

1. Blood

Something wasn't right.

I could feel it in the tension around me, in the way my every hair stood on end, the way the air felt against my skin. I couldn't place exactly what it was, and that was what bothered me. I retraced my steps from where I stood at the doorway, to my bedroom, across the hall, and into the bathroom. Everything was tidy and in place, the way I'd always kept it. Still I fidgeted with the house keys absent-mindedly in my hand, turning them over and over again. Besides my breathing, the clanging of those keys was all I could hear, although the increasing pace of my heart was going to win that contest soon enough.

I checked inside the closets and under the bed, as my fruitless searching had yet to lead me anywhere. Finding nothing, I paused and wondered what might be amiss. The lights were all off, the bathroom was clean, my bed was made, I'd not turned on the stove all morning, and I'd called Sakura, gotten her answering machine and left her a message telling her I'd be at her place in ten minutes. Nothing was wrong with any of that.

I laughed inwardly at myself and shook my head slightly at my overly cautious behavior. It was just like me to have this kind of feeling, even if nothing was really wrong. Sakura often chided me to relax. How could she possibly know she was the only one who could actually help me do that? Taking one deep breath, I tried to relax just a little. I would be seeing Sakura soon anyway, and then all would be right with the world again. There was really no need to be nervous. I laughed again, this time aloud. I needed to hear something other than my furious heartbeat. It came out as more of a barking cough, choked and dry. I really needed a drink of water. Yes, that's exactly what I needed. Nothing was wrong.

So why did I feel like something was wrong?

I locked the door and set off for Sakura's flat. My feeling was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. I kept telling myself those words as I walked just a little faster and turned the corner at the end of the street. I shook it completely from my mind and concentrated on seeing Sakura again. Sakura. I recited her name like a mantra in my head.

I couldn't help thinking about her all the time. She was my entire world, and so she was everywhere. My clothing smelled like her, the visions behind my eyelids were always of her gentle smile, my music held dear memories of her, even the green of the leaves on trees seemed to pay tribute to her breathtakingly deep eyes. Sakura was so imbued into my very existence that it was difficult to remember a time when I didn't love her.

We'd met almost a decade ago, in fourth grade. You might not believe me now if I told you I started out hating her. Can you believe that, anyone, anyone at all, ever hating Sakura? The sweetest, kindest girl on the planet, and I hated her! In my defense, I was a cold child, so focused on my training and the wishes of the Elders of the Li Clan that the thought had never occurred to me of making friends.

I had been trained by the Elders to suffocate my emotions since I could remember. The very first memory that I can call to mind is when I was two, and Wei taught me to bind my hands before a fight with strips of fabric gauze wrapped tightly between my fingers, snaking around my hand, and tied at the wrist. He told me to always protect myself. I learned how to do so perfectly. Shielding myself from damage was the simplest way to deal with the world. Why subject yourself to the pains of love and friendship when it made you hurt in the end? That was what the Elders had taught me, and it was all that I knew.

I grew stronger and stronger as the years passed. Careful training and dedication made me the most agile of my cousins. It got to the point where it became boring to train alongside anyone but my cousin Meilin, the closest person I had to a friend – although at the time she was more of a training partner than anything. Every move was dealt with precision. I blocked out all other thoughts until every shred of my being was focused on the hit. There were no allies, only enemies. It made me the loneliest, the coldest of my family members. I didn't realize it until later, but I had, by learning to defend myself in combat, walled myself from the entire world – even beautiful angels like Sakura.

So when this girl's bright green eyes – in retrospect, they were more chartreuse than anything – met mine with so much warmth, a beautiful and genuine smile on her face, my heart literally spluttered. I flinched immediately, I remember, and even frowned at her. It wasn't supposed to happen, especially not with people who smiled and were nice. Being nice made you weak. At least, that's what I had been taught by the Li Clan Elders ever since I started training. My constant lightheadedness and increased heart rate made me uncomfortable, and her continued kindness frustrated me. How could someone be so kind under my cold glare? I thought first that she was insane, and then that she was stupid. Did she not understand that it was useless to be a nice person?

But as time wore on, and Sakura continued thanking me for my help – that's what she called my antipathy towards her: help – I couldn't help but feel a certain pity for the girl. It's a ridiculous thought now, to think that I pitied her, when really I was the pitiful person. Like a criminal judging the innocent. But I pitied her. I thought it was unfortunate she hadn't undergone any training before setting out to capture the Cards. I saw her potential – she had a different fighting style than mine, quite effective in fact, that relied on emotions and sentiment, although it was completely devoid of any gracefulness, poise or knowledge of the Clow Cards whatsoever. I scoffed at her nescience, and often took advantage of her weaknesses to attack her – another tactic taught to me by the Elders.

What surprised me was that my successful blows brought me no satisfaction. In fact, seeing her cringe at my cruel words, seeing her smile falter for just a moment, made me feel very horrible. Another big surprise for me, because feeling bad for someone was not something I was taught or familiar with. At first, I didn't know what it was. You might think it amusing when I tell you now that my first thought was that the pain – the twinge in my heart, the sinking in my stomach, the curling of my insides – were all part of some spell the girl had cast on me, some sort of defense mechanism she had cleverly put up against me. That was me then, always thinking in terms of combat tactics. It intrigued me. I had never heard of such a curse in all my years of study, and it boggled my mind that she could outfox me in any way, make me feel bad for her sadness. I asked Wei about it once, and he laughed gently, telling me it was called "guilt". It sounded so ominous a word, "guilt". I thought it was some nasty disease: "Gangliated Utrophin Immuno Latency Toxin" or something to that effect. But Wei laughed again and explained to me that guilt is simply the feeling you have when you know you have done something wrong. He explained to me that I had hurt Sakura's feelings by telling her she was a baka, always putting her down and telling her she wasn't good enough.

It made me feel very horrible to know I had made Sakura sad, because she had always been so nice to me, even despite the poor way I treated her. Despite myself, I began to see the beauty in her. Her unconditional kindness was an immense strength, not a weakness, I realized. It was so easy to simply be angry and fight with your fists. But Sakura showed me a completely different way of fighting, a much more powerful and stealthy way. Her generous heart, her contagious giggle, her breathtaking beauty all drew you in until you were completely entranced, and then you couldn't escape from the final blow – she easily captured the hearts of many. Including, I finally realized, my own.

It was so very difficult to admit in the beginning. Me, Li Syaoran, in love with Kinomoto Sakura? Never! My carefully built wall was impenetrable, the Elders had made sure of that with their masterfully orchestrated training. I steeled myself against my feelings, shaking my head when I felt the increased heart rate, and the blood rushed to my head and made me dizzy. As if that would make me forget how absolutely wonderful she was. She was a constant distraction. I found myself losing sleep thinking about her. I couldn't eat some mornings because of the frantic butterflies that flitted about in my stomach.

In the end, I accepted it. And after I allowed the feeling to take me over, it seemed only to become stronger, as it seemed my entire existence throbbed with love for her. It was overwhelming, the most powerful weapon of mass destruction. For her, the walls around my heart fell completely and I found myself openly admiring her. I thanked my luck for Sakura's gloriously oblivious nature – she saw nothing but friendship behind my compulsion to protect her and my need to watch over her and keep her safe from harm. I was now concerned with protecting myself from the inevitable fall. I knew we were from completely different worlds. I was a monster, cold and unfeeling, and she was an angel, bathing the world in her light and empathy. However much she may have plagued my mind with her blinding perfection, I was sure I couldn't have been more than a fleeting thought in hers. We had been forced together by necessity. I needed her, but she didn't really need me. Why should I think she liked me any more than she liked any one of her other friends? I contented myself with her company. It was better, I argued, to be best friends with her than to have nothing at all. And so my heart was silent.

Of course, in my brilliant battle plan, I never accounted for the secret weapon, the independent variable, if you will. Tomoyo was always the most observant of Sakura's friends. She watched Sakura as closely as I did myself, perhaps even closer yet, and still had the perception to see those who also admired the blossom. I had been caught almost a year before I myself discovered my feelings for Sakura – that is how perceptive she was. And when she noticed me backing away and rebuilding a wall around myself, protecting myself from the inevitable pain of rejection, she took direct action. Truly a force to be dealt with, that Tomoyo. I was nervous the entire time we talked, I felt like a convict being interrogated for a crime. If loving Sakura was a crime, I could be sentenced to life in prison for all I cared. All that mattered to me was that she was safe. After that, if she decided I was guilty, then she could punish me and banish me from her life, but I would make sure she was safe. But Tomoyo simply laughed. Her wise eyes and heartwarming encouragement helped me push forward. I began to gather my courage. Always the wily creature, the raven spoke to me often and reminded me of the importance of making my feelings known to the girl I had grown to love.

There was always this burning war inside of me. To tell, or not to tell. A much more pressing question than one of mere existence, my dear Hamlet. For to be without my angel would hardly be an existence at all. There was so much at stake... At this point, it was pointless to imagine a life without Sakura. She had taught me love, and kindness, and virtue. She was, surely, the one thing that held my life in place, the one person who had shone a light so strongly into my life as to change my cold ways. And so I couldn't afford to lose her, do you understand? But at the same time, the sight of her – her emerald eyes and inclusions of deep forest green, her silky and rich auburn hair, her creamy, warm skin, and last of all the genuine smile that melted my heart – all of it compelled me to have her, if only to put my training to good use and shield her from the evils of the world. In the end, the cunning raven's tactics penetrated my defenses.

And so it was, after a grueling battle of life or death, my defenses low and my mind spinning, I confessed my love to Sakura. No singular moment had ever meant more to me. I can't explain to you the nerves, the coldness of my hands, the unconsciousness that threatened to take me, all at once. My words sounded as if spoken by another, as if some power stronger than my own had willed me to finally express what I had kept secret for so long. And then, nothing else mattered. It didn't matter that she might not even love me back. It didn't even matter when Mother called and told me I would need to return to Hong Kong. Because all that mattered was that I loved her. I had accepted that truth, and a truth it would always remain. If distance would hold me away from my angel's side, then in spirit I would be with her.

I will never forget the moment Sakura told me she loved me. She loved me. Not the way a friend loves a friend, or a sister loves a brother, but the way I did, passionate and strong and threatening to overwhelm me at all times. Hearing those words, I can recall precisely the smell of the air, the breeze as it kissed my face, the resplendence of the rising sun, and finally her beautiful, lovely eyes. And then, as the seconds passed, and I began to lose myself in the depth of her forest green eyes, I saw them cloud over with tears. And the sight of those tears snapped me out of my reverie – I reminded her that my love for her stood true. Those words echoed in my heart and flowed through my veins with so much truth that I felt I had been lying before. I loved her more than could possibly be imagined.

She jumped across the precipice – despite my warnings not to; I'd told her everything would return to normal, and I feared she may take a wrong step and fall through the wide – her soft hair billowing in the morning winds, and I held her finally in my arms. I'd never been so purely happy. When she moved her soft lips from the cradle in my neck to my ear, I swear my heart stopped right then.

"Arigatou, my angel," she whispered. I laughed inwardly. The silly, wonderful girl; she was my angel!

From then on, we were inseparable. Reveling in our love, basking in the newfound light, I truly felt complete. And for the first time, all was right with the world. The war in my heart had ceased, and all was peaceful.

And now, here we were, nineteen and in love. Every day was like the first day, and I remembered with startling clarity the overwhelming beauty of her. I couldn't imagine my life without her now. I've said it before, she'd become such an integral part of me it was impossible to separate us.

I turned the final corner, and continued down the street. My heart rate was finally in check; thinking about Sakura always managed to assuage my irrational fears. My senses were always too acute, my training had never left me even after all these years. There really was nothing to worry about.

Except as I approached Sakura's flat, I could feel my heart thumping loudly again. It wasn't nerves, that much I knew. That always went hand in hand with a curling stomach and a light head. This... was completely different. Strange. Almost dangerous. My breathing came now in shallow breaths as I walked more quickly to Sakura's door. I could hardly reach the door fast enough, it seemed. My hands trembled inside my pockets, and I swallowed painfully. Finally at her door, I realized something was definitely wrong.

Horribly wrong.

Menacingly wrong.

Deathly wrong.

Sakura's name kept repeating over and over in my head, but it was no longer a comfort to me. The voice sounded more frantic in my head than it had only ten minutes ago when I left my apartment. In fact, it sounded much more now like a warning. And only one truth rang inside my head, chilling my blood. Sakura was not safe.

My muscles burned to open the door faster, to shield her from whatever danger she might be presented with. It was a battle between the shaking of my hands and my will to be quicker. In the end, my fear won over my hands, and I pushed the door open with surprising force.

And there, before my eyes, was the most gruesome sight.

Too much red. Deep, scarlet, almost black, there was so much of it... Blood, I realized. The smell was overpowering, of iron and bitterness, and my own heart grew faint. I was torn between wanting to look away, and needing to comprehend. The blood continued to consume the floor with its sickly thickness, reaching the carpet, staining the colorful fabric with an overwhelming spray of bright red. My stomach churned with a foreign emotion – fear. My eyes trailed to the thin body, frail and limp, lying soaked in crimson. One arm lay underneath her head, the other lay beside her. She looked as if she could be sleeping. Buzzing echoed in my ears, and I reached her porcelain face. I could barely breathe. I felt the darkness creeping from within me, but I forced myself to understand. Once creamy skin, now white as ivory, stained with the blush of blood that smeared her cheek. Her eyes, thank Kami-sama, were closed. Like this, I could imagine she was sleeping, delude myself that she might open her cajoling, mischievous eyes and tell me it was all a joke. A cruel, sad, sick joke. But the realization dawned deep within me, clamped onto my heart, and ripped into it with carnivorous fangs.

The room spun uncontrollably now, threatening to topple me over. My legs began to buckle under the weight. I caught one last glimpse of my fallen angel. Then, all went black.

Author's Note: Did anyone catch my Trauma Center reference? Next chapter should be up within the week, perhaps a little longer. Remember to review! Motivation always serves for the greater good. :)

Next chapter...

Depression. Angst. Guilt. Tears. Keroberos. Research. And magic.