So here it is, the first chapter of the first of what will most likely be a long line of parodies. This one, collaboration between Kaze (BloodstainedLegends) and Fai (flowrite), is a Kuro/Fai version of Cinderella. Be warned of the many random references, of a majorly OOC King Ashura, many RG Veda characters, shounen- and shoujo-ai, and probably a lot of other things. If you don't get any of the references in this or the next chapter, just ask, and it will be explained. Don't worry, we don't bite unless you ask for it!
Okay, we do not own: TSUBASA RESERVoiR CHRoNiCLES (Clamp), Cinderella (Charles Perrault), Rurouni Kenshin (Nobuhiro Watsuki), RG Veda (Clamp), The Tale of Despareaux (whoever wrote it), NCIS (whoever owns it), Disney (Disney), Disney's Cinderella (Disney), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Monty Python), asprin (whoever owns it), Ride of the Valkyries (Wagner), Remembrance Day and anything else I may have forgotten.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, -which probably isn't that far since half of the characters in Tsubasa can travel through dimensions- there was a kingdom that greatly resembled France sometime in the 17th century.
In that fair country, there stood a stately mansion upon a hill, wherein lived a widower. Though the widower was a kind and loving man, and gave his child every possible luxury, he believed that his child needed a mother's care.
And so, he remarried to a woman of good blood and great power. The woman, named Yuuko, also had two children, both named Mokona Modoki, although they were nicknamed Seol and Larg for simplicity and to avoid awkward questions.
Then it came to pass that, like in almost every fairy tale, the widower died. Upon his death, Yuuko revealed her true nature: arrogant, greedy, and very much a drunkard. The family fortune was squandered upon the two Mokona, as Yuuko had used it all on them, ignoring her step-child. Eventually, the widower's child became a slave to the witch.
--
"Kurogane!" Yuuko sang, drapping herself on a red velvet couch. "Fetch us some sake!"
"Why me!" the ninja snapped back as he stormed into the living room, sake bottles in hand. Kurogane moved awkwardly, as his torso was constrained by the dress and white apron that had been forced on him. The only reason he had not ripped off the dress nor killed everyone in the surrounding area was because Tomoyo had pleaded him not to.
"Why did I have to agree to be in this stupid story anyway," he grumbled as he poured the witch her drink.
"Now, you can go scrub the halls and wash, dry, and iron my clothes," the long-haired woman told him after gulping down the cup of sake.
"Yeah, yeah…" Kurogane muttered as he left, his mind whirling as he thought of the best ways to assassinate whoever was in charge.
--
In the castle of the unnamed kingdom, King Ashura had a dilemma. A dilemma that was causing him a headache. His adoptive son, Fai, was of marrying age, but had so far refused all of the eligible noble women he had been offered.
"Why can't we just arrange a marriage?" King Ashura wondered aloud as he massaged his temples.
"Because that would take away the point of this story, not to mention this would then cease to be a fairytale and become an alternative universe," his advisor, a boy by the name of Watanuki Kimihiro, told him as he searched in a drawer for headache medicine for his liege.
"And we can't just seal him in a tree because…?"
"Because that only worked in RG Veda, and last time I checked, Fai's name wasn't Ashura," the bespectacled boy replied, moving on to search the near-by cupboard.
"Do you have any ideas?" the king asked, shutting his eyes against the harsh light that filled the room.
"How about we organise a ball, sir? With your majesty's authority and the power of fanfiction, we should be able to have everything ready for sunset." Suddenly, Watanuki grinned and his eyes shone. "Himawari-chan~!" he thought, imagining her in a ball-room gown.
Ashura-ou nodded his head in agreement, turning away from the bright, sparkling lights that seemed to surround the servant. "Yes, sure, just find me the aspirin."
With that, Watanuki scurried out of the room to inform the rest of the castle of the king's orders, and to find the requested medications.
--
It was early afternoon, and back at the mansion, Kurogane was kneeling next to a basin full of water and soap, hand-washing Yuuko's clothes.
"I am not a rurouni. I'm not even a samurai. I never was. So why do I have to pretend I am one and act like this Kenshin guy?" the man muttered as he scrubbed smear after spec of dirt out of the overly ornate clothing.
"I mean, the guy gave up killing, damnit! How could I be-" The sound of the doorbell brought Kurogane out of his rant and into the real world.
"Urgent message from the king!" a voice called from the front door.
Wiping his hands on his apron, Kurogane went to go see who it was.
When the front door opened, a youth with brown hair and mismatched eyes (one blue, the other amber), handed him a letter.
"You are cordially invited to the royal ball," the youth read off of a cue card. "All young maidens of this land are invited to this ball, honouring the prince. The details are-" He broke off.
"Um, Kurogane-san? What happened to you?" Syaoran asked, trying to keep a straight face.
Kurogane looked down at himself. He was wearing a tattered dress, with an apron that was more grey than white and had stains on it from water, grease, and dirt. Flecks of soap bubbles still clung to him, and the edges of his rolled-up sleeves were wet.
"Never mind, kid," he said roughly as he shut the door. "Yuuko will want to hear about this…"
He walked out to where the witch and her children had set up a 'dream-shop', wherein everyone and anyone could get their wish granted for a certain price, and were most likely gulping down large amounts of alcohol.
"Witch!" he yelled as he barged in, the king's summons clenched in his fist.
"The proper thing to say is 'Please pardon the intrusion!'" the 'evil step-mother' replied tartly. "What is it?"
He shoved the letter at her. "Message from the king," he muttered.
"King Ashura's holding a ball so that the prince can chose a bride!" Yuuko said as she held one hand to her cheek and grinned in childish delight.
"Really?" asked the white Mokona, jumping up.
"Really?" mirrored the black one.
"And he says that all eligible maidens are to attend!" Yuuko exclaimed, reading further.
"So that means we can go!" the two Mokona cheered.
"Wait, you want to go to the ball to see if the prince will marry a pork bun?" Kurogane wondered, raising an eyebrow.
The black Mokona jumped up and whacked Kurogane with paper fan that had been pulled out of mallet-space.
"Of course!" Larg replied from mid-air. "If we marry the prince, we'll be rich!"
"Oh, so that's your reason. Well then, have fun," the abused 'step-child' told the three as he turned around, about to leave.
"Wait!" Seol, the white Mokona, called, leaping towards the entrance.
"Yes?" he asked, turning around. A murderous gleam shone in his eyes.
"Er, well…" the puff ball started to sweat.
"What Seol means," Yuuko inturupted, coming to the rescue. "Is that, as the one chosen to play Cinderella, you must beg us to come with us to the ball, and I will agree, on several conditions."
"Hey, the choosing was rigged!"
"You can't rig a ladder game!" Yuuko shot back. "Now, go finish your chores and find something suitable to wear! Or else." She said that last with a smirk on her face and her hand clutching Kurogane's arm in a death grip.
Grumbling, Kurogane pulled his arm out of the witch's hold and went back to finishing up the laundry.
--
When Kurogane had finally dug himself out of the mountain of cloths, he returned to his room.
"Why is Cinderella's room in the tallest tower?" Kurogane demanded as he climb one of the many flights of stairs that led to 'his' room, once again nit-picking Disney's details. "If she's supposed to be treated like a slave, than she should be sleeping on the ground level, in the kitchen.,."
When he opened the door, a surprise awaited him. Around the room, six other cast members -Ashura, Yasha, Ryuu, Souma, Kendappa and Karura to be exact- stood or sat around the room. And they were dressed up like… mice?
"What happened to you?" he asked.
"The author happened," Ryuu snapped. It was easy to see why he was angry, as the writer had decided to dress him up to look like Despereaux. He looked angry enough to hunt down his Ryuuga and use it on whoever was nearest.
Yasha's hand on his head stopped him.
"What Ryuu-ou means is that the writer decided to use us as your mice, instead of bringing in actual mice to do the work," the yaksa lord informed.
"Your dress is in there, by the way," Karura told Kurogane, helpfully pointing to a large chest.
Kurogane moved towards the chest, then stopped.
"Besides actually wearing the dress, what's the catch," Kurogane demanded, suddenly suspicious.
"Catch? What catch?" Kendappa asked innocently, absentmindedly rubbing the top of her harp with her hand.
"You're holding your harp and smiling like something is up. I want to know what it is."
Kendappa's smile never wavered. "Oh! While we help you, we have to sing." She said it with such conviction that one would think that Charles Perrault himself had written the lyrics.
In that moment, everyone turned around to look at the harpist, and Yasha turned to stone.
"Looks like Kujaku will get his price anyway!" Ashura said, starting to laugh. Ryuu and Karura joined in.
"I'll leave you to it," Kurogane told them as he turned around.
"Where are you going?" Souma asked.
"There's a hallway in need of cleaning," he lied quickly as he raced down the stairs, leaving the door open.
--
Back in the castle, King Ashura was having his own troubles.
"Look, Fai, just come to the ball tonight, pick out a bride, and we'll all be happy." Even medicated on almost an entire bottle of aspirin (or at least all he had the chance to take before Watanuki had snatched it out of his hands), he could sense that his temper was uncharacteristically short.
"But… I'm waiting for my one true love to come!" Fai exclaimed, blue eyes wide. "In fact, perhaps they'll come faster if I sang about it…" He trailed off.
The corner of the King's eye twitched. "No singing," he told his adoptive son. Then, he added to the ceiling; "And no Monty Python references!"
He turned back to the blond prince. "Just come to the ball," he stated before leaving the room.
--
"Do I really have to sing this?" Yasha asked, reading over the lyrics.
"Not all of it," answered Kendappa. "Just what's highlighted." She strummed a few bars on her harp. "Ready?"
"As I'll ever be." Yasha sighed, and then took a deep breath.
"Kurogane, Kurogane,
Night and day it's Kurogane," he sang as he closed the door for no apparent reason.
"Light the fire, fix the breakfast,
Wash the dishes, do the mopping."
"And the sweeping, and the dusting," Souma and Karura chorused, both wishing that Karyoubinga had been there. She at least would have no problems with singing a song written for mice, if it were to help her sister. "They always keep him hopping."
"They make him go around in circles 'till he very very dizzy. Still they holler." Here, Yasha paused to add "And why must we sing a song that uses no grammar?"
"Because it's a child's movie, Yama-chan," Kendappa told him, then sang the last line of the song "Keep a-busy, Kurogane."
"See? That wasn't so bad!" Ryuu said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Only because you had no lines in it."
Ryuu's grin faded slightly at Yasha's remark. Then, he coughed.
"Ahem, as I was saying…" the dragon lord walked over to the chest and pulled out an old fashion frilly, bright pink dress that he the put on a dress maker's dummy that was in the room for some unknown purpose.
After looking it over for a minute, Ryuu decided to say something.
"He's never going to go to the ball in this," he commented.
"Why's that?" Ashura asked, coming over.
"Because he'll commit sepukku before being caught dead in this."
"True…" the elf-like king agreed, as everyone in the room sweat-dropped.
"Maybe if we changed the colours a bit?" queried Kendappa. "He might still kill us, but at least then he might not dismember us, feed us to man-eating bears, then take the bears to a naval base in the U.S., where he will shoot the bears, and we will all end up in the basement of some guy named Ducky and our deaths will be investigated by a team of crack job federal agents lead by a coffee guzzling boat builder."
"Would he really do that?" Ashura asked, eyes twitching.
"I don't know really. But the writer might if we don't get on with it…."
And so, a couple of hours, twenty musical interludes, and several painfully embarrassing scenes of Yasha and Ryuu running from a giant cat later, the dress was finished.
When Kurogane returned from his self inflicted chores, he found the dress and six tired and hungry Stars. Yasha was huddled up in a corner, with Ashura trying to convince him into moving, or at least looking up. Apparently, nearly being eaten hadn't been good for his pride. Souma was fretting over Kendappa, who had small, red welts on her fingers from playing so long, whilst Karura looked over her fingers, which had been punctured many times by the needles she had worked with, and thought to herself how guardian warriors shouldn't have to sew. Ryuu had drapped himself across the bed, looking as if he had been in a fight.
"I have to wear that?" Kurogane demanded, pointing the dress. The colour had been darkened somehow, and even more frills had been added. He decided that Tomoyo-hime had gotten her fashion sense from her older sister. Around the neck of the dummy hung a string of red beads that Yasha had managed to salvage.
"Yes!" exclaimed Ryuu, pointing a finger at the roof while still laying on the bed. "And you shall enjoy wearing it, as we were nearly killed will…" He yawned, and coiled up with Kurogane's pillow under his head. "Whatever. I'm going to sleep. 'Night."
He was asleep within moments.
Karura took the dress off of the dummy and handed it to the disgruntled Kurogane. Without a word, she pulled a chair seemingly out of nowhere and curled up on it. Soon, she too was asleep.
"Have fun!" Kendappa told him from where she sat next to Souma. She leaned her head against her ninja's shoulder, and seemingly went to sleep. Even through the darkness of the room, Souma's blush was visible to Kurogane.
His eyes wide, the black-haired man turned around and closed the door, slightly weirded out that four complete strangers and two others were sleeping in his room, not to mention his bed.
As he tossed on the dress, he began to wonder exactly why he had been the one chosen to play this role. The mage would have been far better as an actor, and as being cooperate. Kurogane was beginning to be suspicious about all of this…
--
"Now," Yuuko began, talking to the two Mokona as the three of the neared the door of their mansion. "When you're presented to his highness, you will…"
Yuuko and the two puffballs were dressed in their finest. The two manjuu were wearing matching purple skirts with light pink sakura stamped on them. They also had a ribbon tied in a bow around each ear.
Yuuko herself was dressed in a white kimono-like dress. It was patterned with a design like flowing water or mist, and frills poked out from under the hems. It also left a good portion of her bosom exposed, like most of her cloths did, and she had added a long, flowing necklace made of chains connected to form irregular patterns across her skin. Her long hair had been washed and pulled up in a small bun at the top of her head. Long string of gold fell from the bun down her back to end at her knees. Her only makeup was the deep red lipstick she wore most days.
"I'm coming, dammit!" Kurogane yelled as he hefted his skirts up to walk down the long staircase in the entrance hall.
"And so the princess comes," Yuuko murmured as she watched the young man manage the stairs. Somehow.
"Are you happy?" the humiliated one-time ninja practically shrieked at her.
"Almost." Yuuko smirked. "Allow me to check the dress, just to make sure that the workmanship won't make our family look bad…" She held up a candle to inspect the dress. As planned, the material caught fire.
(In Kurogane's room, the sleeping Yasha's left arm twitched. It wanted blood…)
After staring blankly at the flames for 0.6 seconds, the lessons the firefighters had drilled into Kurogane's brain kicked in and he dropped and rolled.
He was probably the only person in the universe who remembered to do that.
"Oops," Yuuko laughed as she looked over the wreckage of the dress. "Looks like you can't go to the ball know!" She turned her back to the burnt and smoking Kurogane and walking out towards the waiting carriage with her manjuu behind her.
About to close the door, Yuuko realized that Kurogane was walking back up towards his room, instead of outside through the back door like he was suppose to. She hissed that information to him.
"I am not going to go cry like a weakling because someone brought a candle a little to close to me!" he retorted.
"It's in the script," the witch retorted. "Now, go! Or else…"
So Kurogane went, even if it was only because he had nothing better to do. That, and he kind of wanted to see who would play the prince…
He shook that thought away, and ran outside, doing his best not to look like a whiny female character from the eighties.
He stopped when he came to a large weeping willow in the middle of the grounds. He sat on the bench under it, bored.
A slight sound came to his ear. The sound of a young girl singing.
"You will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you'll keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
The lights of your memories will shine through
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing
That dream that you wish will come true…"
Wondering who would bother only changing one line in a song, Kurogane looked around him, but there was no one. Then he turned around.
Standing there was a young girl of around sixteen, with light brown hair and emerald eyes. She was dressed in a knee-length dress, a sort of white-blue in colour, with white and blue sparkles on it. A big ribbon of pale blue material was tied around her waist and into a large bow in the back. Her shoes were like her dress, a shiny white-blue, and the small tiara nestled in her hair was made of silver. In her hand, she clutched a silvery wand tipped with a silver star.
"A, anou, Kurogane-san," Sakura began timidly. "I'm here to help you get to the ball."
"Why does everyone want me to go to that stupid ball!" Kurogane yelled to the sky. A bolt of lightning in the otherwise clear sky was the only answer he got.
"Of course you must go to the ball!" exclaimed the princess. "Now, to begin… Kurogane-san, would you please fetch me a pumpkin?"
The disgruntled ninja did as she said, and returned with a large, heavy orange pumpkin. He laid it on the ground at her feet.
"Now, for the magic words…." She cleared her throat. "Sala-gadoola-menchika-boo-la Bibbibi-bobbidi-boo!"
She aimed her wand at the pumpkin, then took a step back as pumpkin swelled up and turned silver. Giant looping metal frames appeared out of nowhere, and became the wheels of the coach.
"Now, um, for the horses." With another wave of her wand, the Six Stars appeared in front of her, now dressed as white horses and looking very disgruntled.
"What's this?" Ryuu nearly screamed. "First you have us dress as mice and sew a freakin' dress, then burn said dress, and now we're dressed like horses and being made to draw a carriage across the whole freakin' town!?"
"I'm sorry, Ryuuou-san," Sakura apologized with a small bow. "I'm not the one forcing this on you, trust me…"
Ryuu grumbled a bit, but subsided.
Next, Sakura pointed her wand at the forest, and, taking their cue, Kamui and Subaru appeared.
"Kamui-san offered to play the part of your driver, and Subraru-san offered to play your footman, isn't that nice?" Sakura's smile was nearly brighter than the sun.
"Now," she turned back to Kurogane. "For your dress."
Kurogane gulped. He had a baaad feeling about this.
"Bibbibi-bobbidi-boo."
And with those dreaded words, Kurogane's fate was sealed.
In a swirl of white sparkles, Kurogane's tattered and burned dress transformed. The limp dark pink skirt became longer and fuller, and turned blood red. The bodice was blood red as well, and trimmed with black lace. Several other pieces of the dress, along with the gloves, were also black. The choker around his neck was made of several silver chains, all connected to the diamond-incrusted crescent moon that hung in the middle. On his feet were 'dainty' black glass slippers.
"What the hell is this?!" roared Kurogane. He hadn't even seen his reflection yet, so there was no way that he could know about the twenty layers of make-up that made him look almost like a geisha. Many people were also thankful that he had yet to notice the wig…
Kamui and Subaru laughed as they took as many pictures as possible, to use for blackmail later on. Or to sell online.
"But there is one condition," Sakura cautioned. "At the stroke of midnight, my magic will be at its end, and all will be as it was before."
"Do you think I care?!" the irate red-eyed man demanded.
"Now, now…" Sakura sweat-dropped as she watched Kurogane being dragged into the carriage by the vampire twins.
--
As the pumpkin carriage rode through the narrow city streets, the ball was just starting.
As the first of the nights planned 101 musical interludes ended, Prince Fai fought back a yawn. He really wished his younger twin, Yuui, had been there, so that he could have skipped an evening of dancing slow, drawn out dances with boring girls. Of course, his brother had had to choose that year to visit Italy to learn to cook.
Names and titles flew by him, some familiar, but most completely unknown, as he stared on ahead, looking at nothing.
"Of course, he isn't cooperating." King Ashura practically growled to Watanuki, who was, as always, standing beside him. The boy just shrugged, not caring.
The two watched as Fai, actually yawned as a girl, introduced as the daughter of some Colonel Mustang, bowed in front of him.
"I don't understand," Ashura complained. "There are, what, five hundred, six hundred maidens? He ought to find a suitable wife among them. Watanuki, my pills."
He held a hand out for the headache medicine he demanded.
"With all due respect, sir," Watanuki apologized. "I don't think you'll need anymore for the next century or so."
--
As the king and his advisor conversed, Kurogane stalked into the large, white marble palace, his skirts ruffled, his hair tousled. Ryuu really need anger management sessions.
The guards barely blinked as this violent, masculine-looking woman stormed in, cursing the writer's very being. Unknown to the poor ninja, there were now two of them. They both cackled, munching on cookies and plotting his humiliating downfall at their hands.
The guards didn't even raise an eyebrow as the 'woman' stormed up the velvet covered staircase, 'her' high-heels tearing small holes in the carpeting as she climbed.
Even after all the torture and humiliation the ninja still had some curiosity towards who was playing the prince. Though he feared there was some reason to dread their encounter...
To be continued in chapter two!